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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect help when I'm this ill

103 replies

MissesBloom · 22/11/2017 17:10

Ok first time on Aibu so go easy on me.

Have had over the last few days some sort of virus, which has left me unable to get my head off the pillow. Am feeling a little better but yesterday and night before was horrendous. Have had a raging fever, aches and limbs feeling heavy, sore throat, severe headache and stomach upset.

Anyway dh has a pretty demanding job, I am a sahm. He is a director of a company so works very long hours and doesn't have an assistant or anyone helping him so pretty full on.

The AIBU bit is that he just refuses to take a day off to help. I was up most of Monday night was in too much pain to sleep, and warned him I wouldn't be able to take care of kids. I managed to grab an hour or two on the sofa in the end and I woke up to him telling me hed taken my ds to school and that id need to take care of dd (2) and the puppy as he had a busy day ahead.

As the day went on I got worse and worse and was worried about dd. I couldn't get up without feeling dizzy and very very sick. In the end I called dh in tears telling him to come home and he basically just said sorry not possible as he was interviewing people. He refused to cancel and carried on with his day. He did agree however to pick up ds from school and drop him home.

AIBU to ask what do people do when they don't have any help with childcare from family (ours don't live nearby and work full time). How does it work for everyone else when you get something like flu and you just can't function?

I was fuming tbh that dh wouldn't just take a day off to help with his own kids knowing how sick I am. I basically said that If he went to work today and left me again that would be it. He's taken today off (but has worked from home). Hes not lifted a finger in the house just been sat on laptop all day. I ventured downstairs to find every counter covered in stuff and not a single spoon or plate clean. Now he's parading around saying he's so stressed out he thinks he's having a stroke Hmm and how he can't 'keep this up'. Its one f*cking day!!

I've never had a job where I couldn't get an emergency day off so maybe I'm not seeing it through his eyes. But when he's sick (with even the tiniest sniffle) I take care if him...and of course he'll take a day off. Its infuriating!

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfRa · 22/11/2017 17:14

Oh that sounds dreadful op! I’ve only been properly ill twice since dc was born. The first time she was a tiny baby so I just laid her beside me and slept as much as possible (not an option with a toddler, I know)! The other time, Dh did have to take a day off.

I’ve never done it before, but would sitters.co.uk work? Or is there such a thing as an emergency nanny service?

Really I think your Dh should take a day off, but if he refuses I’m just trying to think of alternatives.

socialmisfit · 22/11/2017 17:15

I think he should take a day off. Or at least work around his meetings etc if he's the boss. If he was in the middle of a meeting he can't just stop, but he can work around them.

Funnily enough I was thinking about this earlier on today. I've had a horrible cold this week but only a head cold, not flu.

But years ago when ds was only 2, DH and I got flu at the same time. It was dreadful. But the saving grace was ds went to nursery. One of us managed to take him, the other collected him, he had all his meals there, was well looked after and entertained, etc. My mum came for the weekend to look after him (and us) and by the following week DH was a bit better than I was and went back to work, I took nearly 2 weeks off. But I really don't know how we would have coped if ds hadn't had a nursery place.

I remember when I had ds, the midwife told me I could never be ill again. I kind of see where she was coming from, but yeah right!

What would he do if you were in hospital? If you don't get the rest, that's where you'll end up anyway Tell him that. Healthy young people can get pneumonia and pleurisy.

Ragwort · 22/11/2017 17:18

I've never had a job where I couldn't get an emergency day off so maybe I'm not seeing it through his eyes.

^^ I think that is the problem, yes it is tough but there are jobs out there where you can't just 'take time off for a domestic emergency'. If you have genuinely never had that sort of job then it is hard to appreciate that not everyone has the same sort of working conditions.

It probably won't help you immediately but you need to find some sort of network of friends/neighbours that can help you in an emergency.

Of course, that doesn't excuse your DH's laziness in the evenings etc.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 17:21

I have 14 month old twins and endometriosis- my periods are apocalypse level horrific right now. Today I'm in complete agony and faint and have been pushing through as no one to help. It's so hard and really scary. DH finished work an hour early and is now giving them dinner so I'm lying on the sofa with my heat pad in tears.

Wish I had an answer for you. How are you financially? There are adhoc childcare services which I have numbers for in case it becomes completely impossible to manage but can't really afford it so it would be a last resort.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/11/2017 17:21

If he manages to take a day off for himself when ill, but doesn’t extend you the same courtesy when you’re very unwell, then he’s a total fuckhead. It would be annoying if he never took days off ever but to take care of his own illness but expect you to struggle - how deeply uncaring.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 22/11/2017 17:32

It is infuriating because when he's rough he'll take a day, but I need to be on my knees begging and screaming for him to take any action. He had a couple of interviews which couldn't be cancelled that day, but his office is 5 mins away he could have sorted them and came home around it I think.

Now I am just being told repeatedly that he can't do it and it's too much.

To be fair I had chronic tonsilitis last year and ended up in hospital with iv antibiotics. That was the same issue again. Trying to get help was like getting blood from a stone. I had my tonsils out in January but am still getting throat infections which for the most part I just get on with.

It's really hard to sympathise though when he's kicking off about doing the very thing I have to do every day, and he isn't even doing it. He's just taking phonecalls and emailing people. God help us if I ever have to go into hospital for anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissesBloom · 22/11/2017 17:36

Tammy that sounds awful - is it like that every month?

I get colds and sore throats all the time, thankfully never as bad as this usually.

It's painful to take care of little ones when you can barely take care of yourself

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 22/11/2017 17:38

DH is also very senior, but he uses that seniority to manage his own schedule and take time off when needed. If I tell him I’m genuinely unable to look after the children he’ll rearrange things and take a day off. I was very ill when DD1 was about 4 months old and he did an execute committee meeting via dial in while she was asleep on his shoulder.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 22/11/2017 17:38

Also meant to say we are ok financially, we could probably afford to get someone in. I've never tried before so have no experience with childminders etc. My parents are moving nearer to us hopefully by new years so next year may have some help if i was desperate

OP posts:
Original poster
MissesBloom · 22/11/2017 17:43

Ecureuil your dh sounds like a hero! Mine has threatened to 'throw the dog out of the window' (obviously in jest!) And generally moaned about every child related thing he's had to do. He just can't cope with being at home I think. He finds the kids really testing at the best of times but he's got no patience while he's working.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 17:45

Sadly yes, first three days are absolutely horrific each month. Haven't been this bad for years, on morphine but even that doesn't stop it being agony. Might have to go to hospital tonight if I can't get on top of it. Waiting to see gynaecologist again but already had six surgeries and every treatment available so not many options left now besides having the lot removed. My poor boys basically get stuck in the playpen with a lot of toys on days like this but they hate it and I still have to get bottles, food etc done.

Definitely look into options for ad hoc childcare - there are sitters agencies, and if you're sick they could just come to you so you'd be there in case of any problems.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 17:46

When one of my twins had whooping cough at 3 months, I had to stay in hospital with him for two weeks and my husband had the other twin at home on his own. Happily took the time off, and a few more days when he came home and was still recovering. I think you need to have a word.

BellyBean · 22/11/2017 17:49

I had D&V and wasn't fit to look after my 3mo and 3yo. DH took the day off without even making a deal of it, despite previously saying what a busy week he had and having 7 meetings with colleagues that he had to reschedule.

He managed to do 4 hours wfh, entertaining DD1 and just bringing DD2 up for feeds when needed.

Your DH should definitely have only been in work when absolutely necessary (unless dc was napping).

FlakeBook · 22/11/2017 17:54

I can see both sides. If he could take time off but won't, he is an arse.
If he really can't take time off, you are being U.

When I've been ill with young dc I've put peppa pig on and dozed on and off on the sofa. Dh has taken a day off, once.

Your dh sounds a bit useless while he is at home though!

Ecureuil · 22/11/2017 17:56

Do I have the only 4 and 2 year olds who couldn’t care less about TV?! Sitting them in front of the TV when I’m ill would work for all of 30 seconds.

VeganIan · 22/11/2017 18:10

Hearing about this really, really, boils my piss. Look at this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2966736-To-expect-dh-to-take-sick-day-for-both-me-and-DD-1-of-2-when-we-both-have-pyelonephritis-I-have-a-20-week-old-a-sick-2-year-old-given-antibiotics-yesterday-and-I-was-in-a-e-until-1am You are not alone, there was lots of good advice on that thread.

user4321 · 22/11/2017 18:14

I can see both sides too. I’d look into emergency childcare options in this situation. But I’m wondering why your DH isn’t suggesting this if he realises how ill you are.

Furgggggg12 · 22/11/2017 18:22

Am a LP, I have to get in with it BUT your DH has behaved despicably.

He needs to get his head out his arse and start parenting/looking after you like a normal person.

Furgggggg12 · 22/11/2017 18:24

*on

Crumbs1 · 22/11/2017 18:26

Trouble is he wasnt ill so couldn’t really justify taking a day off - it’s why he pulls a Director salary.
He could maybe have worked from home and juggled or you could make a relationship with a nanny who is happy to work on an ad hoc basis. There are nanny agencies covering much of the country so not too difficult to sort.

cestlavielife · 22/11/2017 18:29

Call a nanny agency.
If he won't take time off or can't then pay someone

AlternativeTentacle · 22/11/2017 18:29

Can you go to a friend's or relatives to recover? Then he will have to pull his weight? He obviously hasn't got the faintest idea what you actually do.

therealreginaphalange · 22/11/2017 18:32

I work full time and my DH is the SAHP. He's been very ill the last 2 weeks and I've worked from home (as much as is possible around toddler care) for a total of 2 days. It's been stressful but I couldn't leave him with 11 hour days of childcare knowing he felt that rough, not to mention he was throwing up and generally not really fit to be looking after anyone except himself. It's been far from ideal at the busiest time of year but if he was doing a regular job he'd get time off so I think it should be the same in his current job. We don't have any family nearby and can't afford emergency childcare.

I'm lucky that my employer is sympathetic and I get 5 days compassionate leave a year. Appreciate it's not that easy for everyone. But I think he should be making more effort than he is.

Parisa78 · 22/11/2017 18:32

OP - what do you mean he's parading about saying he thinks he's going to have a stroke? This sounds very dramatic.

Your post made me think actually - in 14 years of 4 DC, I've never asked DH to take a day off to look after them. He has his own companies too and I know he'd just be pacing around in the phone all day. It's too stressful to listen to him dealing with the kids and phone calls and whatever is the crises of the day, so I just wouldn't bother asking.

ButterflyForest · 22/11/2017 18:32

Family comes first for me. He should have taken the day off- it was possible.

Do you have a friend who could help?

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