AIBU to expect help when I'm this ill

[MissesBloom]

Ok first time on Aibu so go easy on me.

Have had over the last few days some sort of virus, which has left me unable to get my head off the pillow. Am feeling a little better but yesterday and night before was horrendous. Have had a raging fever, aches and limbs feeling heavy, sore throat, severe headache and stomach upset.

Anyway dh has a pretty demanding job, I am a sahm. He is a director of a company so works very long hours and doesn't have an assistant or anyone helping him so pretty full on.

The AIBU bit is that he just refuses to take a day off to help. I was up most of Monday night was in too much pain to sleep, and warned him I wouldn't be able to take care of kids. I managed to grab an hour or two on the sofa in the end and I woke up to him telling me hed taken my ds to school and that id need to take care of dd (2) and the puppy as he had a busy day ahead.

As the day went on I got worse and worse and was worried about dd. I couldn't get up without feeling dizzy and very very sick. In the end I called dh in tears telling him to come home and he basically just said sorry not possible as he was interviewing people. He refused to cancel and carried on with his day. He did agree however to pick up ds from school and drop him home.

AIBU to ask what do people do when they don't have any help with childcare from family (ours don't live nearby and work full time). How does it work for everyone else when you get something like flu and you just can't function?

I was fuming tbh that dh wouldn't just take a day off to help with his own kids knowing how sick I am. I basically said that If he went to work today and left me again that would be it. He's taken today off (but has worked from home). Hes not lifted a finger in the house just been sat on laptop all day. I ventured downstairs to find every counter covered in stuff and not a single spoon or plate clean. Now he's parading around saying he's so stressed out he thinks he's having a stroke and how he can't 'keep this up'. Its one f*cking day!!

I've never had a job where I couldn't get an emergency day off so maybe I'm not seeing it through his eyes. But when he's sick (with even the tiniest sniffle) I take care if him...and of course he'll take a day off. Its infuriating!

When DD was about 10mos old I went into kidney failure. Hallucinations, confusion, vomiting. I couldn’t even sit up let alone look after a small person. I needed DH to take the day off work and he wouldn’t. MIL “didn’t feel” like helping out. DDad ended up taking the day off work to take me to the hospital. 5 years later and I’m still resentful. DH just didn’t realise just how ill I was.

You need to tell him and make sure he understands that you need help and he needs to step the fuck up.

I was admitted to hospital last week and my dp ( not ds's dad) took time off to care for him, exh did fuck all, one of the many reasons he is an ex.

I would leave someone over this. Honestly. It shows an apalling lack of care and kindness toward you. Small acts of kindness and consideration keep a marriage going. Being a drama llama and always putting oneself or one's business first will slowly but surely kill it.

I was all prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt till you said that he takes time off when he has minor illnesses himself. He is just a selfish fuckhead, as an OP says.

In practical terms I'd remind him that if you split up he will be responsible for arranging childcare for your children 3.5 days per week and when he is ill he will juat have to manage.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to expect help at all. It does sound there is a bit more going on in terms of the help and support you get generally from your DH and how he views your role in the house.
I’m a (mostly) SAHM and can think of two events in the last 10 years where I was as unwell as you. One was when DC 1 was a few months old and BF so there actually wasn’t much he could do other than work a shorted day.
The other he worked from home one day and then I got friends to take the preschool DC.

I think for situations like this being a SAHM with no local family your network is really important. Try and get three or four friends who you can ask to help out/do a school run/watch someone for a few hours (and who you can help out in return).

DH is a surgeon so a day off for him would probably mean cancelling operations, clinics or similar. I'm sure he would if I was unable to function, but luckily I seem to have escaped serious illness on childcare days.

My DH is usually away on the rare occassion I am very ill and I have no family close. Until I just moved I had friends who would pick up and collect the DC from school in an emergency. I realised that I needed to build my own support network, to be honest I need to do this in our new home. I had flu last week and asked DH to take DC to school, his office is five minutes away but he told me he had a meeting early am on the phone so couldn't. He did apologise later in the week when he got the flu himself. Try and build a network, either pre organised babysitting links or friends who can step in and help if needed.

Yep surgeons I can understand.

But nothing the OP has said indicates her OH is in anything resembling that role. He takes days off when he is ill no problem.

Actually I guess if you are a surgeon you are probably duty bound to go off sick if you yourself are sick!

Sorry OP but from what you've described your OH sounds like a bit of a twat. Stop pandering to him, in future if he's ill ignore ignore ignore (unless seriously ill obviously) you should not be looking after a grown man with a cold etc. In your case he should at the very least be looking after the DCs. There is not many jobs (and his doesn't sound like one) where you cannot take an emergency day off, he is being a twat making you feel guilty about it too "I'm having a stroke" I mean wtf is that?!?!

Does he ever look after the kids on his own? Does he have any idea what that entails? My husband does so he knows how much of a struggle it is if you're sick. Last month when my period hit and my pain was worse than ever, he outright asked me if I needed him to take a day off.

It's different for him because he does work from home and can drop things part way through the day in an emergency, but it sounds like your DH's work is more flexible than his, and he's only a few minutes away so not much different.

This kind of thing would put my marriage on shaky grounds. I would have serious words with your dh , including telling him that next time he is ill and takes a day off, you are going to leave the children with him.

What kind of absolute bastard watches their own wife feeling atrocious and unable to get out of bed and just makes it her problem? Unless he’s Philip Hammond then he should have either a) taken time off or b) found someone to have the kids.

Honestly, the world will not stop turning because some self-important director takes one single day off to look after his children because his wife is unable to. Even if he really couldn’t take the day off, then there’s no excusing his woe-is-me attitude.

It’s this kind of uncaring attitude that breaks marriages, it really is.

You'll have to have emergency paid for childcare lined up. If you don't have a local support network of friends.
My husband has very limited AL and camt work from home so I've always just struggled through. But I don't think I've been as I'll as you are in 10 years since dd was born. But I do feel that I ignore illness and just carry on because there's no other option (except paid for care which we haven't really considered). Not looking for a prize for that! It's just an observation that it's only when I'm better that I realise how shit I'd been feeling.

Dh has a big important job and he still manages to take a day of if absolutely necessary. Face it OP, if he was sick he'd miss a day and the world (and his company) wouldn't end.

You sound really ill MissesBloom and if your so ill you feel like your going to faint your DH has no choice but to take time off!

God forbid but how would he feel if anything happened to you and you were all alone with your DD,he needs to get his head out of his arse OP he really does if he can take time of if he's ill he can take time of to look after you when your ill,that's what marriage is all about,being there for one another when times get tough.

If you can afford outside help I'd get some and I'd be speaking to the Dr as well you shouldn't have to put up with being ill so often.

Don't wish to sound meh or know it all or anything like that,... but both myself and DP would know immediately what was necessary here.

I think you really know the answer re OH/DP yourself OP too.

I don't know what the solution is, will not judge, but some help is needed here for you my darling.

Why doesn't he have an assistant or anyone he can delegate to? I know it carries an expense, but it's incredibly bad business practice to have someone who is literally indispensable. What would the company do if he fell under that bus tomorrow?

Now he's parading around saying he's so stressed out he thinks he's having a stroke

Point out to the idiot that if he really was having a stroke, he wouldn't be capable of either parading around or whittering on about it like that.

Even my callous bastard of an ex took a few days off to look after me when I had food poisoning (which was lucky, as I couldn't manage the 10 paces to the bathroom unaided, so god knows what kind of mess I'd have ended up in if he hadn't).

I think your DH is being a bit of a shit, frankly.

Tell the fucker to go on and have a bloody stroke. I'm sure you won't be any worse off and the insurance will come in handy. The man sounds like an absolute twat, I've worked in lots of offices and have never known a Director who doesn't have an assistant or anyone that they could delegate work to.

Whilst l can really sympathise with your situation and YANBU to need help when you are ill, some jobs are impossible to simply take a day of at little notice.

If that is the case then you need back up, find an emergency babysitting/nanny agency you like and that will supply professional help at short notice.

When living overseas with 2 under 2 and knowing no one, my Dh was often away for a week at a time, so l found an agency that would supply day or night nannies for emergency cover.

I only needed them on odd accasions but had no hesitation when l did, and it is very reassuring to have a competent professional come in when you are very ill and look after Dcs and dog.

Your DH will not change so you need something in place and he needs to understand this, also it takes the strain out of your marriage.

I hope you feel better soon.

Your DH is a selfish tool. My DH is a company director and he has taken time off to look after the kids when THEY have been ill so I, as a self employed person can still work even though my job is not time critical. It's because he realises that parenting is a joint responsibility and the childcare shouldn't always be down to me.

OOOh my husband is this, my husband is that. Doesn't matter what position they hold, it is WHO they are in relation to YOU and the family that matters.

But that's obvious.

Totally agree but he makes me feel like an asshole if I try to have it out.

We've had an argument this evening and tbh I'm fuming. He's been neglectful for a very long time, says he hates his job but is absolutely obsessed with it. Have told him about getting an assistant a million times over he always says he's going to but never gets round to it. He doesn't trust people to manage his emails and correspondence correctly and worries they'll make a mistake and cost him thousands.

All this basically makes me feel that me and the kids aren't important to him at all. I just can't work out why he doesn't see it.

I was ill alot last year and for some reason I seem to come down with stuff all the bloody time but I NEVER ask for help unless I'm at deaths door.

He has alot his way, he gets nights out paid where he goes out entertaining clients sometimes two or three nights a week and doesn't understand why it's such a strain. We eventually have it all out He realises how I feel then it's back to business as usual a few weeks later.

He uses his stress levels as a guilt trip for me, and then will start saying he's got chest pains etc he probably believes it but what concerns me is how easy it is for him to start losing it.

He occasionally offers me an afternoon off where he has the kids but calls me the minute I leave and then when I get home the house is a mess and he's raging and shouting at the kids.

I've rethought this relationship so many times over his short fuse and uncaring nature towards me at times. But I can't walk away. I love him and know he loves me. It's just his job has totally gone to his head. He's just a giant knob who won't realise until I've had enough and gone

Ps that thread someone posted earlier is exactly my life