AIBU to expect help when I'm this ill

[MissesBloom]

Ok first time on Aibu so go easy on me.

Have had over the last few days some sort of virus, which has left me unable to get my head off the pillow. Am feeling a little better but yesterday and night before was horrendous. Have had a raging fever, aches and limbs feeling heavy, sore throat, severe headache and stomach upset.

Anyway dh has a pretty demanding job, I am a sahm. He is a director of a company so works very long hours and doesn't have an assistant or anyone helping him so pretty full on.

The AIBU bit is that he just refuses to take a day off to help. I was up most of Monday night was in too much pain to sleep, and warned him I wouldn't be able to take care of kids. I managed to grab an hour or two on the sofa in the end and I woke up to him telling me hed taken my ds to school and that id need to take care of dd (2) and the puppy as he had a busy day ahead.

As the day went on I got worse and worse and was worried about dd. I couldn't get up without feeling dizzy and very very sick. In the end I called dh in tears telling him to come home and he basically just said sorry not possible as he was interviewing people. He refused to cancel and carried on with his day. He did agree however to pick up ds from school and drop him home.

AIBU to ask what do people do when they don't have any help with childcare from family (ours don't live nearby and work full time). How does it work for everyone else when you get something like flu and you just can't function?

I was fuming tbh that dh wouldn't just take a day off to help with his own kids knowing how sick I am. I basically said that If he went to work today and left me again that would be it. He's taken today off (but has worked from home). Hes not lifted a finger in the house just been sat on laptop all day. I ventured downstairs to find every counter covered in stuff and not a single spoon or plate clean. Now he's parading around saying he's so stressed out he thinks he's having a stroke and how he can't 'keep this up'. Its one f*cking day!!

I've never had a job where I couldn't get an emergency day off so maybe I'm not seeing it through his eyes. But when he's sick (with even the tiniest sniffle) I take care if him...and of course he'll take a day off. Its infuriating!

Well I'd give him a taste of his own medicine when he is ill. Stuff the looking after him. In fact I'd threaten to leave him on his own with the kids and go out for at least a few minutes to let the penny drop.

But tbh I think that attitude would kill any respect I had for him and I think my resentment would either cause him to change or it would likely end in divorce. Whether he wants to or not, if he cares for you at all, he needs to step up to the plate.

Why can't you leave? You're not getting anything out of the relationship other than you love him.

So few jobs that you couldn't take a day off if you had to. I mean does his job not have a sick leave or dependents leave policy?

I wouldn't know where to start. I don't work so no income, we jointly own our home but would need to sell to get the equity but it wouldn't be enough to buy another place. I've kind of put all my eggs in one basket.

In truth I don't want to leave him but hate what he's become.

Have tried talking and he's just spinning it back on me again. He says he's been at it all day with my kids (although there is nothing done, He did however do dinner) he says I'm unsympathetic and that his job is just difficult right now (I've been hearing how it'll get better soon for the last 5 yrs).

He just doesn't see he's being an ass.

I've left it as he's still clutching his chest. I'm thinking he's got some sort of stress anxiety. Will not let it go though. At least I know for the most part ianbu

It's not about sick leave, He's not worried about his salary it's that he reckons he's got this multi million pound contract that if he doesn't get this calculation in on what the company owed he could lose big money (or something similar )

He doesn't trust anyone else to do it as nobody has experience with it and if it's done wrong it'll cost them big.

I remember when my kids were very young and I was very ill. I had to look after them all alone and couldn't wait for morning to take them to nursery in a taxi. I'm a lone parent with no family around and thousands of us have to do this every day.

What you should think about is having a standby babysitter agency for emergency situations where your DH won't step up. Use his money to pay for the help you need.

Clutching his chest and saying he's got pains? What the actual fuck?

He doesn't trust people to manage his emails and correspondence correctly and worries they'll make a mistake and cost him thousands.

If he has this stroke or heart attack he keeps pretending to have and has no-one able to cover him, it could cost him hundreds of thousands.

I don't think you'd have to sell the house if you split up - you'd have an excellent claim to be able to continue to live there with the children and receive maintenance, at least till they're out of education.

If you're so ill that you can't get off the sofa (I'm using a little hyperbole), you obviously can't look after a 2 year old. If he really, really can't take a day off, he needs to make other arrangements, like finding a sitter.

I suggest once you're better, you have a conversation about how you're going to manage this in the future, and research options ahead of time.

Of course, all that doesn't help with your OH problem...

YANBU

I remember when my kids were tiny having D and v bug, parents were on holiday so no help. DP wouldn’t come home from work even though I was on my knees and crying.

Fast forward 4 days and he phones me at work, lying on the bathroom floor, cos he’s got it now and can’t get the kids ready to go to childcare!

just had another conversation about it and said I'm just not going to have us put last all the time it's not fair.

I'm going to look into the option of getting a babysitter in case it happened again (hopefully it won't happen again anytime soon). we will never agree on this he feels he did enough over the last few days and I feel totally neglected.

I can see he is visibly stressed tonight but I don't think his work should be allowed to take over to the point where he has to juggle so many things. I'll try and speak with him in the morning I think when he's calmed down but I agree we need to have a plan in place if he can't just take a day off.

ceto I didn't realise that was possible. I don't think he'd be able to pay for us to keep living here and he get a separate property. He'd probably not be able to afford it. I'm hoping it never gets this far but as time goes on I can see he's getting more and more engrossed in work and less involved at home

That's awful bakedbeans. Thank god i didnt have d & v but this is some sort of gastric flu. I felt violently sick and had upset stomach..and the 2 year old wanted to bounce on me and the puppy was jumping all over me. There is nothing worse than d & v though.
Funny how as soon as they pick it up they want help!

Call his bluff on this chest pain / stroke stunt. Next time he does it say he will need to go to hospital and be checked out if it's that bad and you're calling an ambulance. Watch him change his mind at the speed of light when he thinks either a) he'll be found out exaggerating or b) that he'll be kept in hospital and unable to work. This behaviour is all about stopping you from complaining.

Sorry but this man doesn't love you. He doesn't really even consider you to be a human being - you and DC are just props to his image as he is the only 'person' in the family and only his wishes and needs matter.
Once you're better I would seriously suggest getting some legal advice about what would be your best options on ending the marriage. you don't have to do it but information is power.

Personally I'd be looking at my options at leaving as it sounds like he's a complete dick and your life wouldn't be much different without him if your getting no emotional support or co parenting from him!

My dh has a similar job, a very stressful role. He’s quite often not even in the same city as me. However if I called and said I wasn’t well he’d move heaven and earth to come home and look after me.
Leaving you feeling like crap and not giving a damn is completely heartless and indicative of the importance he places on his family. I wouldn’t stick around for this. If you end it you will manage.

Actions speak louder than words. His behavior towards you speaks volumes.

I’m sorry if this causes you pain but you say you know he loves you. Why do you think this? It honestly doesn’t sound like it from your description. He’s content for you to suffer when he could be helping you. This is not a one off. He’s out multiple nights a week without so much of a thought for the impact this has on you. He rarely looks after his children and when he does you come back to him raging at them. Are any of these actions those of a person who cherishes someone else?

Has he made you a cup of tea today? Got you some medicine? Asked how you’re feeling? Asked if you needed anything to eat? Or has he just raged all day while working, being arsey with the kids, and gone on about his fucking ‘chest pains’.

If you truly think the stress is at the root of this behaviour then I think you should make it a deal breaker that he goes to see someone about it to get some coping mechanisms. He doesn’t get to just swan about moaning, he needs to do something about it.

Also the reason you seem to get ill all the time is almost certainly because you are utterly exhausted.

It'snice you have definitely hit the nail on the head for the most part.
I know he loves me because he is loving in other ways, unfortunately he's gotten away with shitty behaviour also and it's become normal for me to be bottom of the pile (I have enabled this to some extent because I put up with it over and over). He will always plan massive surprises for my birthdays and Xmas, he puts loads of thought into it wether it's a gift or a trip away and he gets me things I'd never know about but that he knows I'd love. I don't care about material things but the thought behind a gift means alot to me and he always thinks of me. Also I know the reason he works so hard is so that he can retire early and spend more time as a family later on.

He does offer to help sometimes, he just has a short fuse which is what I find hardest. There have been times when he's gone too far and I've had to 're evaluate our relationship. It's always followed by an apology and we try and make good.

He has had a little taste of how I feel anyway as now he's come down with it and has had to cancel appointments today that he told me he couldn't cancel. Watching him backtrack was quite satisfying given what he put me through, especially because he reckoned he would "just get on with it". I'm leaving him with dd and taking d's to school. Will take a super long time too.

That's really shit. Honestly, I think you're glossing over how bad it is.

I'd be very angry too. If you can't function at all you should not be looking after children. It was his responsibility to either take a day off or find an alternative person to mind the 2 yr old.

Going forward you can't have this happen again. You need to have a babysitter or two you can call in an emergency. Even a 18yr old or college student could have minded your toddler downstairs while you slept.

If your lives (is his work) can accommodate an emergency then you both need to have a reasonable fall back plan in place for emergencies.

Ok well if you truly think there is love there then please do work on suggesting he gets counselling for his stress/temper. I actually have a short fuse myself but do not want to bring my children up like that so I’m about to start CBT. It’s not enough to put up with his ways just because. They can be changed.

Has he at least apologised to you today given he is magically able to cancel the uncancellable now that he is the one suffering?

Also fair enough with the early retirement plan but if he’s not careful his wife and dc will want fuck all to do with him once he does start to prioritise them. You don’t treat people like shit for years then bask in their love afterwards. And do you honestly believe he’s capable of early retirement given his commitment to his work? Or is it a convenient get out clause for putting any time into family life while dc are small and things are tough?

I'd ask myself what is the point, aside from money he is bringing nothing to family life. Tell him that.
If you separated, he'd have to look after both himself and his children for a few days a week, tell him that too.

You may love him, but it is not enough is it, he doesn't love you enough in the right way back, at least, what love he has doesn't sustain and nurture you and the family. His love for his job, money and success are more important.

He needs to be frightened about what he could lose. Leave the laptop open with a divorce lawyer details on it.

Sorry but I honestly would have asked friends and neighbours before expecting my husband to mess around his interviewees. Have you no friends with children the same age? I often look after other people's children when they are ill and it is no big deal. If a friend posts how ill they are on FB, loads of people pile in with offers- job done.

I can't see that it is better for him to have to ask favours of people (changing their interview, perhaps they have had to organise annual leave to even be there) because you are sick, than for you to ask someone for a bit of minor help.

I think your DH should be more considerate overall, but you aren't considering him or the people he will let down today by being too embarrassed to ask anyone else for a favour. Try and establish a support network, life is so much nicer when we help each other.

Its nice has just nailed it. He's taking you for a bloody fool with promises of early retirement, he doesn't look after the kids now never mind retire early to be with them.