Dh's family let their Dc chase our ds and family pet ALL THE TIME

[BitOfrarebit]

SiL & BIL let their ds (9 yrs old) chase after our young dog whenever they visit. They also let him chase my ds (3 years old) around the house which he hates.

Whenever they visits their son who is an only child and is perhaps not used to having younger children around chases and annoys my ds and also our dog. The same happens when we visit them although we don't bring our dog with us then.

AIBU to say something next time he does this? Last time they came my ds was hiding behind the sofa as his much bigger cousin was teasing and chasing him. He is not scared of his cousin but finds it annoying and seeks shelter by hiding.

I hate to create a situation with my in laws especially with Christmas around the corner but should I say something or am I being PFB and ds should toughen up?

Do your older dc chase their much younger cousins or siblings around, or family pets for that matter? At 3 my ds knows not to chase our dog.

I am expecting dc2 and have had a rough pregnancy and need some perspective here. Is it me being PFB and soppy because of pregnancy hormones?

We are invited over this weekend and i am dreading it already.

I totally agree what does only having one child have to do with anything My son is a single and is lovely, and would definitely not harm animals. Annoying

Bit I have two dcs much closer in age than your ds and yoUr nephew.
Chasing around each other when they were the age of your ds was normal but they BOTH were enjoying it. As soon as one of them had enough, the message was clearky that they had to stop.
At 9yo, they were not chasing each other around. I think they had passed that age and if one of them had done that, that wouod have been to annoy the other.

I agree about the fact your nephew sound sbored so one way to deal with it is to find stuff to occupy/distract him.
Better would be to talk to his mum so SHE can deal with it. But I’m gett8ng the feeling she wouldn’t...

How is your nephew at school? Maybe remind him that rules he needs to follow at school (about not annoying other children) applies to your house too.

@twigs13
I think maybe what the op meant by the only child comment that he wasn’t used to small children, maybe I’m wrong. I’m saying this as someone who had one child for 9 years who was also a lovely lad x

Understandable BitOf - I remember being ridiculously emotional and quick to cry at some stages of pregnancy.

It's not a normal"kids will be kids thing".

9 year olds are normally years and years beyond the stage where chasing a much younger child constantly against their will would be something they would think is ok or would even feel interested in doing. Ditto chasing a dog. I'm sure you know that really.

Where is your bil in this?

If he and sil are not socialising their child at all they are failing him. If he has special needs they appear to be in denial and not addressing them.

Whatever is going on it is not normal for typically developing, normally socialised 9 year olds. He'd be emotionally immature if he was 6, from your description.

You or your husband need to set firm but simple house rules about not chasing and enforce them, no matter who is upset by that common sense rule. If you don't you are failing both children and the dog (which will bite soon).

Failing the courage to do that employ a dog walker/ sitter or ask a friend to take the dog elsewhere when they visit and keep your own child on your knee. That's a wimpy last resort but better than standing hopelessly by letting your 9 year old nephew terrorise your own child in his own home.

Twigs I don’t think op was targeting single children families, she was only highlighting that he hasn’t had a sibling to learn how to be more gentle and maybe that’s why he is a bit bullish rather as just blaming parenting which unfortunately this is the reason for his behaviour. By the looks of the op any way.

You have a very good natured dog, ours wouldn't tolerate being chased round the house. We have a lockable dog crate that we would put him in those circumstances. I think chasing things comes naturally to some DC, it just needs a clear simple explanation that the dog/dc doesn't like it and they need to stop. My pair used to try and chase birds when they were toddlers and I had to explained that it was stressful for the birds. Aged 9 they wouldn't do this but they have had adults explain not to do this and why.

So when the poor dog bites the nephew, then what ?
This isn't acceptable behaviour, unless both children enjoy it, and preferably, out in the garden.
Just have a chat with your SIL, tell her it's a bit much at present. If she gets prickly, she can prickle off, it's your home.
Could you get some sort of game for them to play ? Nip this in the bud now, it goes without saying, dogs should be treat with respect, on that score, she has no comebacks.

twigs13 i would have mentioned him having siblings if had any, it was to paint a picture and nephew not having younger family members or pets around may explain why he is so excited.

...which I blame on pregnancy hormones and I feel overwhelmed on the whole. I wondered if I am unduly annoyed and this is just a 'kids will be kids' thing.

Bless you OP, I really feel for you as I'm currently pg with dc2 and feel just like this. It's hard to know whether you're being rational or not most days! However, I can most definitely say that what your nephew is doing isn't right. I'm not sure whether it's been mentioned but could you ask your husband to broach it if you're feeling fragile? I know it's not the ideal solution but coming from someone who can empathise with how you're feeling, it might be the best option?

Tbf i don’t really blame the nephew. I think most kids would run wild if no boundaries are put in place by parents.

I don't think you have a problem here at all.

Next time the kid starts chasing your kid, your dog or you around your house, tell him firmly to stop it then carry on the conversation you were having. If he continues, tell his parent to stop him doing it. If he carries on, tell them they have to leave because you won't put up with such intimidating, unpleasant behaviour from anyone. If they take offense, good. Your child won't have to put up with being frightened in his own home anymore, and your dog won't end up being put to sleep for biting a child.

Sounds like a win all round to me.

I don't take any shit when it comes to my behaviour around my animals -dogs and horses -not only because things like chasing can be irritating, but also because they can be bloody dangerous. I am very mild mannered, but have been known to roar "LEAVE THE DOG ALONE" at a couple of kids before who had been prewarned but wouldn't leave my dogs alone.
My older girl now goes away in another quiet room when people with boisterous children visit for her comfort and sanity. If someone sat on her (yes, we have had this before 😐😣) and she snapped which is unlikely but possible, it is her that gets the repercussion of possible euthanasia.
You tackle it now or you remove the dog to another room with shut door and a latch at the top so it can't be opened by a child.

Right, with the dog I would say that you're afraid it will make the dog snap and hurt your DN, focus on the fact that you are concerned for his welfare.

With regard to chasing your son, I would focus on the fact that your son doesn't like it rather than her son is behaving badly. Also get some good toys that they can both pay with, and you or your partner sit down and play with them to stop the behaviour before it starts.

OnTheRise OP has already explained why it isn't easy for her to do this. She's pg with dc2 and feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't want to cause any problems with her in laws, particularly just before Christmas. Speaking as a currently pregnant, emotional, overwhelmed, occassionally angry, irrational woman (sorry OP I'm not saying you're all of those!) I can understand OPs desire to avoid conflict.

OP this really isn't right.

I'm a bit of a push over but a child would only chase my dog once! I wouldn't put up with it. I also wouldn't put up with my DS being chased (unless they were playing a game and both enjoying it).

You need to stop this.

My older girl now goes away in another quiet room when people with boisterous children visit for her comfort and sanity. If someone sat on her (yes, we have had this before 😐😣) and she snapped which is unlikely but possible, it is her that gets the repercussion of possible euthanasia.

Oh my goodness, it took me a while to realise you were talking about your dog and not your child 😂

OP I'd. Be vey worried about DS tumbling when. being chased and sustaining an injury -- a fall onto a sharp corner to could result in serious injury, which is why most families have a no running inn the hous rule (that nod danger of breakages)
A scarred face would be a constant reminder of your. failure. to speak up.
Get a game DN can play with at your home (don't give it to him to take home)) He sounds bored. If the weather is fine give him a ball and send him outside
Good luck

YANBU

And to add to the chorus, no, it's not normal. I often have a very lively four year old and a five year old in the house together with my dog and the four year old has ASD. They both know how to behave around the dog and the cats and don't chase or harass them. They learned that around 2-3 years old.

From your description of your SIL, whatever you do someone is going to be unhappy. It's just a case of choosing who. Tbh I'd be less worried by an adult choosing to have the hump over my stopping her child torturing my dog and a toddler than throwing my toddler and dog under the bus to keep her happy. Both must hate the visits. Third way; shut the dog where the 9 year old can't get at it and protect the toddler by constant supervision/redirection, or meet only on neutral ground. But a firm 'no, in my house we don't chase x or x. Leave them alone please and come and do x.' will probably fix it.

and told us before that they don't tell him off for whatever reason. I expect that if I tell my nephew to stop it she will get cross.

Then you tell her that YOU have the right to tell him off in your own home, and that his behaviour isn't acceptable IN YOUR HOME. They can do as they like in their home, but when DN is out in the wide world he has to abide by other people's rules.

Does he randomly chase people at school? In the street? What would SIL do if he did?

I thought exactly the same Red

OP YANBU and getting a hard time here I think. And obviously you mentioned the only child aspect because you’re suggesting having a younger child in the house to play with makes DN excitable - so not sure why people are taking it to mean “he’s badly behaved because he’s an only child”

No that's cruel.our Chihuahua is tiny and my ds age 3 loves trying to chase him etc but I won't let him as it's very stressful for the dog .Kids who are older should have an awareness of how to behave around animals imo

my (7) year olds play chase with my nephew (5) - but this is usually instigated by the youngest member! And I am constantly reminding them to be calm, play nice and let him catch them, not the other way round. Re the dog - absolutely no. I'd tell DSis that, however child-centric her parenting is, it is actively unsafe for DN to chase the dog and that if she will not stop it, you will as you don't want a dangerous situation to develop. And if she is that keen on child led behaviour - your DS is actively leading the way on NOT being chased and she is massively U to allow her child's wishes to overule those of another child. Child led parenting is NOT an excuse to bring up children with no empathy or respect for their peers....

Op its yours dog! It'd you who is allowing this! You have to take charge and say no more, you cannot chase after this dog anymore enough!

Maybe when they visit could you sit with your DS right beside you with a book cuddled up with you. I did this when a very badly managed young cousin used to visit...My children found that cousin overwhelmingly spoilt and that cousin is avoided now.

So what if SIL gets cross. Let her. Her fault entirely for not disciplining her son so that he now behaves like a horrid brat.

Next time just tell him firmly to STOP! Say that you don't like that sort of behaviour in your house and are not prepared to tolerate it. If SIL gets uppity about it then tell her that she can either control her brat or take him home.