To think my friend’s an idiot

[Undisputed56]

My friend has been single a few years, has a 7 year old daughter, doesn’t get out much so decided to try her hand at online dating.

She messaged a guy early last week and by Thursday had taken herself off all dating sites and arranged to meet him on Saturday. He spent the night at hers.

She seems to have fallen hard for this bloke, hasn’t stopped talking about him which is great for her but here’s the bit where I think she’s behaved like a prize twat.

On a Saturday her DD wasn’t home she was at her dads, tonight though she is there and my friend has invited this new man over to meet her DD and stay the night again!
He’s agreed to it too

I know everyone can make their own choices so far as parenting goes but she’s literally known of him a week, only met him once before today and has introduced him to her DD.

She says she’s not introducing him as a boyfriend but that he will be sleeping in her bed- what if DD gets up in the night?

I tried telling her to slow down but she said I should just be happy for her. She doesn’t know this man at all, I think she’s a naive idiot

AIBU?

@EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck I’m
Sorry that happened

This would always be a question I’d ask before letting a man be part of my life then again many times before I even let them near my child. You never can know and it’s the risk you take when you let someone in like that but good god I’d feel less stupid if I’d spent a couple of years dating and getting to know them rather as a couple of weeks.

She sounds very lonely and it's overridden her sensible side

YANBU. The primary role of a mother is to protect her child. She knows nothing at all about a guy she met on the internet. She is about to involve her young dd in who knows what. She’s a disgrace!

Surely she can keep her lust under control for a few months in order to protect her dd?

If not can you have her dd to sleep over at yours OP. Be the responsible person and tell your df exactly what she needs to hear. Her poor dd has no chance being brought up by a mother who regards her as an afterthought 😢

My mother did this lucky not with me I didn’t live with her but I younger brother had to cope with different men moving in and then leaving - nothing happened to him in an abuse sense but by the time he left home he stopped caring about any of our mother’s ‘friends’ and even now years later he has major issues with relationships even friendships cause he just doesn’t trust that people will stay or mean what they say. It’s heartbreaking that her choices are making it so hard for him to form a lasting relationship and lead a ‘normal’ life

Thanks Mustang, and yes, I agree.

I'd have been very uncomfortable if DP had proposed me meeting DSS and sleeping over this soon.

As it was we waited 3 months until first meeting and about another month after that until my first sleepover.

Your friend is being niaive to think she can trust that he's a nice honest man. He may well be, but he may just as easily be a very good liar who isn't. Does she realise that some people can be extremely convincing at portraying a certain characters yet be very different underneath? That abusers don't go around with it tatooed on their foreheads? What is she going to say to her DD if/when the "relationship" fails, and is she going to get a new BF ASAP afterwards and quickly introduce that new one to her? She needs to stop and seriously consider what she's doing.

There's a thread somewhere on MN about what to be aware of when dating, especially online, and I'd suggest she reads it.

I know a woman whose marriage fell apart due to her h's alcoholism. They had a 2 year old. This woman met another man within 6 months of leaving and moved him in about 2 months later. The relationship worked for some years, but they decided to have another child at which point the lovely man turned into a nightmare and she had to flee. She is now with another man who has moved in, he's been there for 6 months now. There were several other men who 'moved in' before him, each of whom lasted about 3 months.

Those children - who are now 5 and 9. The older one especially has had his hopes ruined so many times; he's developed relationships with father figures who then disappear and another arrives, who disappears, and then another......

It's horrible. The poor lad doesn't know whether he's up or down.

Keep telling her OP and invite her DD around for sleepovers. However, something tells me she won't want to hear what you're telling her and your friendship will end.

I’ve shown her the thread and she’s furious I’ve asked about it. She said it’s her life to live how she wants, Ive never seen this side to her before but then I’ve never known her with a boyfriend.
I offered having DD over when she wants him to stay over but she wants them to all spend time together.
It’s like all reason has gone out the window and she’s told me to butt out!

Stupid cow. I loathe people who put relationships before their kids. I hope she turns on her and leaves her without inflicting damage on her poor daughter.

I’m not sure I could have much time for someone that stupid and selfish. I’d just see them in a whole new light.

Your friend is an idiot then. Poor kid.

As it was we waited 3 months until first meeting and about another month after that until my first sleepover.

That's not exactly the picture of restraint, is it?

OP what an unsatisfying update. I'd struggle to remain friends with such a woman.

She IDBU, after one date she doesn't know this man. And there's no need for her daughter to spend time with him yet. The most important thing now is for the friend to get to know him and make her own decision about him. If he won't wait and see the friend during her child free time or pushes the relationship with the DD then that is a definite red flag.

OP, you were right to raise this with her, even if she dismisses it now maybe it'll sink in.

However, I disagree with some of the very judgemental general comments (both on this thread and others) about children and new boyfriends. Not all children view any man who passes their radar as a "father figure". For me, a brief in passing/as friends meeting with DS, once a bf was trusted and I knew enough about him, actually helped me to work out whether we were right together and more than once helped me to see that, as a couple, we weren't on the same page where family life was concerned. DS was in no way damaged/at risk. He has plenty of excellent male role models/ father figures in his life (including his Dad). I have female friends i see intermittently with DS so it was nothing unusual to meet a new friend. I feel it can be better to introduce a new bf slowly and increase very gradually over time. But I believe that most mothers know their children and will introduce at a time and in a way that is right for the child - which will be different for different situations and children.

Let's hope her daughter doesn't have to meet any more men, around the breakfast table. Your friend needs to give her head a wobble.

I’ve just been at hers for lunch, was about to start on the issue at hand when she told me she’d text him this morning to say she didn’t feel it was working for her!!

So then I had a chat with her about that exactly being why she shouldn’t have had him stay over or introduce him to DD.
She said she “really liked him to begin with” and that’s why she’d introduced them- to begin with!? It hasn’t even been a month!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

So she’s dumped him?

I did that once. My child was 2 rather than 7 so less able to understand or care about adult relationships. My risky behaviour ended up in a very happy 20 year marriage and 3 more children.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Reckon she's just telling you she did that to get you off her back.

I would be very cautious about letting a complete stranger stay the night when I had kids.

She’s definitely dumped him, she showed me the texts