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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend’s an idiot

98 replies

Undisputed56 · 21/11/2017 22:24

My friend has been single a few years, has a 7 year old daughter, doesn’t get out much so decided to try her hand at online dating.

She messaged a guy early last week and by Thursday had taken herself off all dating sites and arranged to meet him on Saturday. He spent the night at hers.

She seems to have fallen hard for this bloke, hasn’t stopped talking about him which is great for her but here’s the bit where I think she’s behaved like a prize twat.

On a Saturday her DD wasn’t home she was at her dads, tonight though she is there and my friend has invited this new man over to meet her DD and stay the night again!
He’s agreed to it too

I know everyone can make their own choices so far as parenting goes but she’s literally known of him a week, only met him once before today and has introduced him to her DD.

She says she’s not introducing him as a boyfriend but that he will be sleeping in her bed- what if DD gets up in the night?

I tried telling her to slow down but she said I should just be happy for her. She doesn’t know this man at all, I think she’s a naive idiot

AIBU?

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 10:43

Gross.

LunasSpectreSpecs · 22/11/2017 10:53

It's not necessarily "risky" - I don't believe that all men are paedophiles given half the chance.

It is however not putting the needs of her daughter first by introducing her to a man she's known for less than a week.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/11/2017 10:54

Why are people so emotionally immature and selfish like this?

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 22/11/2017 10:58

I’m so sorry but, yes, she is an idiot. Maybe you should show her this thread? Might give her a wake up call that majority of people don’t think this is an ok way to proceed?

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 11:00

It's not necessarily "risky" - I don't believe that all men are paedophiles given half the chance.

What about just garden-variety violent?

HermionesRightHook · 22/11/2017 11:04

Of course not all men are paedophiles. But the ones who are are much more likely to be trying shit like this and it's massively irresponsible to move this quickly.

And the paedo thing is somewhat not the point anyway - introducing a man and potentially other men afterwards who may not stick around into a child's life is unfair because it makes their lives very unstable.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/11/2017 11:16

REALLY irresponsible.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2017 11:21

Oh god that’s awful. She’s clearly got all swept up in it and all common sense has deserted her. The poor daughter, having a stranger there and in her mother’s bed. I think we can all just hope and pray he’s not a bad person that’s going to cause harm.

Worriedobsessive · 22/11/2017 11:25

Crackers. And incredibly selfish too.

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/11/2017 11:33

I moved in with my fiancé after a couple of months and it’s over a year now and my instincts were not wrong. He is the best in every way. You can know how you feel about someone very quickly but this is not the norm and for most it does take a lot longer. With us there were no young children/ children living with us involved.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 11:41

yes but have you got children fantasmasgoria?

That makes a whole world of difference. Take a risk with your own happiness and security if you like, but not with your children's.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 11:42

My DH moved in very quickly with me too, once we were an actual couple, but we already knew one another very very well by that stage. And there were no children so if it didn't work out, no harm done, just a ton of inconvenience.

Mittens1969 · 22/11/2017 11:46

Of course not all men are a danger to children but there are a disturbingly large number of children who are abused by men who their mothers bring into their lives. How can she possibly know that this isn’t the case with this man she met online???

I would definitely keep on at your friend about this. And yes, try to persuade her to make use of ‘Sarah’s law’ to check that this man is ok to be around children.

FlashTheSloth · 22/11/2017 11:46

Why are people commenting saying they did this when there were no children invoved? It's not the same bloody thing at all!

Your friend is very irresponsible OP. I hate it when people do this when children are involved.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 11:47

oh sorry just seen that you answered that at the end of the post. What do you mean by 'young' children though? They don't have to be young to be affected by having a virtual stranger moved into their home. In fact sometimes the older they are the worse it is.

FlashTheSloth · 22/11/2017 11:49

How many women either have been abused, know someone who has been abused as an adult or child, been physically or emotionally abused? More yes's than no's I bet, and it will be by 99% men. So no you cannot assume some man will be ok with you and /or your child.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 11:52

Pp said this behaviour is common, I have never heard anything like it.

It's incredibly common unfortunately. Something strange seems to happen to some single mums when they are lonely and driven by the fanny gallops. They lose all common sense and forget that their first priority should be their children's happiness and security, not their need for a sex life.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 11:55

Thing is though, if you were a paedophile and wanted to access children, how would you do it? Dating a single mother with a child of the right age would be a good way wouldn't it? Hence the need for being cautious in this situation.

Worriedobsessive · 22/11/2017 11:58

Even if he isn’t a paedophilic violent abuser, subjecting a child to a relationship so intense in her HOME is terrible. And it shows that her mother isn’t prioritising the child. The bloke might be a nice perfectly normal man, but his interest is in the mother, the child shouldn’t have to take second place for her affections.

Worriedobsessive · 22/11/2017 12:00

Not all abuse is direct too - the mother being taken up in a relationship so intense and playing it out in front of her child means change and instability for the child, regardless of what kind of man this is.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 12:02

It's not just about the risk of bringing home a violent abuser or a paedophile though, is it? He could be a perfectly decent bloke but she doesn't know him AT ALL yet. That child is going to have to get used to him being in her mother's bed, perhaps she'll be encouraged to call him Dad after six months, only for the relationship to fall apart after a year because they rushed it.

And bang goes yet another 'father figure', kicked out or buggered off to make room for the next one. Hmm

People are so self centred and stupid.

Thornyrose7 · 22/11/2017 12:13

YANBU
Awful behaviour. I hope that child will be ok.

Kewcumber · 22/11/2017 12:24

I'm a single parent and have had relationships. DS has never met any of them other than occasionally in passing as a "friend".

Very glad indeed because though none of them were violent and none (as far as I know!) are paedophiles, none worked out in the long term. I would have hated DS to become attached to someone for them to disppear, to be replaced a year later by the next "someone".

Not healthy for a child probably already dealing with the baggage that comes with being a child of a single parent.

Original poster
Undisputed56 · 22/11/2017 12:27

Have spoken to my friend this morning. She said he stayed last night and they all had breakfast together this morning and her DD likes him a lot! I swear she’s had a brain transplant or something.
I asked how can DD say she likes him a lot when they’ve spent about 30mins together, plus it doesn’t sound like something her DD would say either
I suggested before rushing things any further she look into his background a bit just to be on the safe side but she says she doesn’t need to because he’s been honest and upfront with her so far.
I questioned how does she know that and she said she can tell he’s telling the truth 🤦🏻‍♀️

I despair. I will show her this thread and maybe the collective voices will show her how stupid she’s being

OP posts:
AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 12:28

Your son will grow up happy, secure and well balanced Kew