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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend’s an idiot

98 replies

Undisputed56 · 21/11/2017 22:24

My friend has been single a few years, has a 7 year old daughter, doesn’t get out much so decided to try her hand at online dating.

She messaged a guy early last week and by Thursday had taken herself off all dating sites and arranged to meet him on Saturday. He spent the night at hers.

She seems to have fallen hard for this bloke, hasn’t stopped talking about him which is great for her but here’s the bit where I think she’s behaved like a prize twat.

On a Saturday her DD wasn’t home she was at her dads, tonight though she is there and my friend has invited this new man over to meet her DD and stay the night again!
He’s agreed to it too

I know everyone can make their own choices so far as parenting goes but she’s literally known of him a week, only met him once before today and has introduced him to her DD.

She says she’s not introducing him as a boyfriend but that he will be sleeping in her bed- what if DD gets up in the night?

I tried telling her to slow down but she said I should just be happy for her. She doesn’t know this man at all, I think she’s a naive idiot

AIBU?

OP posts:
f83mx · 22/11/2017 12:33

Show her this thread, she is being totally out of order on her kid, why would she think its acceptable for her 7 year old daughter to meet a bloke she's known 5 minutes - and the meeting is in their (mum and daughter's) house and he's down for breakfast the next morning - YUK. poor kid.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 12:41

Also I wonder how she'd feel about the thought that her DD might come to her room at night and accidentally see them shagging? In the very early days of a relationship you do tend to get completely carried away with the thrill of all that ex with a new person and forget that children HEAR THINGS and will come looking to see what all the fuss is.

It's not a very nice thing to see and once it's seen it can't be unseen. It's bad enough when it's your happily married parents but when it's a variety of complete strangers, yuk. Just yuk.

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 12:41

sex not ex!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/11/2017 12:44

Here's a message for your friend OP.
You have every right to be happy, but no right to put the security and welfare of your precious little girl, secondary to your own happiness.
You do not know this man, he could be anyone.
A decent man wouldn't stay over, when your daughter was at home.
He could be a freeloader, or a chancer, or worse !
Take it slowly, find out what you need to know.

Swizzlesticks23 · 22/11/2017 12:45

My friend met A man from internet dating. She got pregnant. Social services come round and informed her he had his own children he couldn't see due to to many allgeations especially one involving a baby.

I have no idea why anyone would risk their own children's safety. She should tell him she wants to do Sarah's law search against him before having him round.

Your friend is a bloody idiot.

manicinsomniac · 22/11/2017 12:51

YANBU at all to be concerned.

But I'm a little uncomfortable with so much judgement of the mum and her behaviour. I know many are just thinking that it's too soon for the child to meet someone in regards to emotional stability etc (which I totally agree with, btw) but a lot are focussing on the risk of abuse.

If this was a thread written after the situation where something terrible had happened and we were talking about the man having raped or abused one of both of the mum and daughter then this thread would be horrible victim blaming.

I know nothing has (and hopefully never will!) happen but the mum's actions are the same. We can't say it's ok to call women's behaviour idiotic, risky, crazy etc when there's 'just' a risk of something happening but go back on all that and say it's men's behaviour, not women's that needs to change when something does happen.

Swizzlesticks23 · 22/11/2017 12:55

If this was a thread written after the situation where something terrible had happened and we were talking about the man having raped or abused one of both of the mum and daughter then this thread would be horrible victim blaming.

But it's not.

Everyone has just indetified she is putting her daughter at risk. Weather it's to abuse or confusion or wondering why her mum is shagging a stranger.

Hmm
AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 12:56

manic it's been pointed out several times on this thread that the risk that this man might be a paedophile is not the only issue, nor is it the most likely scenario here, even if it's the most potentially damaging one.

FriendsFriendsFriends · 22/11/2017 12:57

A lot of my single friends have done similar, perhaps not a week (to my limited knowledge) but within a very short timeframe they’ve been posting ‘lovely’ family day out snaps to Facebook.
I’m single, I wouldn’t dream of doing it but hey ho, you can’t reason with batshit.

Mittens1969 · 22/11/2017 12:57

If this man is someone with a history of DV, or is a danger to children, social services will potentially get involved too. It could get serious for your friend.

It might of course be that he’s a perfectly nice guy, but she can’t know that.

Swizzlesticks23 · 22/11/2017 12:58

manicinsomniac

You sound ridiculously naieve.

Her mum she be safeguarding her daughter.

Do you leave the doors open at night and hope nobody steals your possessions and say to yourself I shouldn't have to change the robbers should?

No. You lock the door and protect yourself as a preventative measure and because you have bloody common sense.

EvieBlack · 22/11/2017 13:01

She’s a moron and if she were my friend I’d be telling her.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 13:01

manicinsomniac, your post is absolutely inane.

Ttbb · 22/11/2017 13:04

What if he's a pedophile axe murderer? Even if he isn't come on. She's gone insane.

manicinsomniac · 22/11/2017 13:06

manicinsomniac, your post is absolutely inane

No. It isn't. I thought it through carefully, wondering if it was the right thing to say and, having considered it, I stand by it.

I know people were talking about a range of problems (I acknowledged that) but some were talking about abuse. and no, I wouldn't leave my house unlocked but that's that's the exact same argument that gets peddled out on rape/abuse threads too as an excuse to blame women.

I just think we need to be really careful in the language that we use about women in situations where the concern is the behaviour of a man.

KERALA1 · 22/11/2017 13:07

I would be "judging" putting her sex life above her daughters safety what is she thinking?

AstridWhite · 22/11/2017 13:08

Actually if anything did happen to that child, the mother wouldn't be the victim anyway - the child would. And the mother would be partially responsible for putting her at risk, even if she didn't do anything abusive herself.

If a mother habitually left a load of upstairs windows wide open and a toddler fell out to their death, or she left a load of drugs within easy reach of a child, would it be victim blaming to point out that the mother was neglectful and stupid to be so lax about open windows or drugs lying around?

I am not sure how pointing out that she is being naive, irresponsible and selfish is victim blaming.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 22/11/2017 13:11

Manic the mother should be protecting her daughter, and part of that is safeguarding against potentially dangerous situations.

If something did happen to the child I for one sure as he'll would be blaming the mother. The child would be the victim. How is that victim blaming.

Grow up.

Nabootique · 22/11/2017 13:13

It's not even that he's necessarily a potential danger! It is mad to introduce them to children when you are not even in a stable relationship yet. What if the child becomes attached and it doesn't work out? Obviously this is a risk with any relationship but you are going to be more sure further down the line.

I have a friend who has done this recently. Their children had also met each other within a couple of weeks. She now spends all of her time with him and our children haven't seen each other for months.

skilledintheartofnothing · 22/11/2017 13:19

Sorry but if something did happen i would think the man was a disgusting vile pervert , but i would also think that the mum was a fecking useless waste of space too who cared more about the feelings of her fanny than the welfare of her child.

Yes nothing excuses what a man would do however we do need to take some responsibility as a parent. I wouldnt pull a stranger off the street to babysit i would go through a trusted and checked source as im not a idiot

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 13:22

manic we don't blame people for making stupid decisions that land them in a violent situation because it's deeply unempathetic. This does not mean that we remain silent when we see people putting themselves and more importantly, their children, in harm's way.

Your logic would only make sense to a time traveller or someone who slips between alternate realities.

LunchBoxPolice · 22/11/2017 13:28

She says she’s not introducing him as a boyfriend but that he will be sleeping in her bed- what if DD gets up in the night?

Imagine that at school- Mummy let's a man in the house to sleep in her bed. He isn't her boyfriend though. Classy.

Mustang27 · 22/11/2017 14:01

Good lord that is utterly irresponsible.

Nikephorus · 22/11/2017 14:07

It doesn't matter if he's the nicest, most honest, utterly perfect man on the planet with zero faults - you don't introduce them that quickly to your kid and you sure as hell don't shag them the first time your child meets them!!!!
Any decent bloke (who wasn't just after sex) would have insisted on meeting the child once they'd got to know the friend, and would be reluctant to shag when they were there at first.
You have a very selfish friend OP.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 22/11/2017 14:12

Let's hope this man didn't purposely seek out a single mother with a child

That chills me to the bone. My grandmother thought that was what my stepfather did.