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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP to pay for his family?

83 replies

livemore · 21/11/2017 13:04

I am a complete newbie, so please bare with! But my DP has opened a bank account in his name, got his wages paid into it and is just drip feeding me money as I ask for it. His reasoning behind this is that I am not affectionate enough anymore. I am livid. I gave up a good job as he didn't like the environment I worked in, I then took a lower paid job to keep the family going (we have 2 DDs) After being made redundant I took the leap to work for myself which financially has its ups and downs, but DP said he would support me. Now he has cut off all money, I mean all money. He says he's not going to pay my direct debits, I have to pay them myself, which he knows I can't afford to.
I have no money, my business is only in its second year and only providing a "pocket money" income. I suddenly feel so worthless.
Any advice please .....?

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 21/11/2017 13:27

Women's Aid might be able to talk you through jumping the hoops. And going to stay with your mum and dad is still better than putting up with living with DP.

Violletta · 21/11/2017 13:28

so what is he adding to the relationship??ltb

Viviennemary · 21/11/2017 13:30

You would get child maintenance whether you're married or not. And really being self employed but earning so little seems to work against you as benefits have cracked down on people claiming to be self employed but not earning minimum wages. You need to go to Citizens Advice and see what your options re claiming benefits are.

Ellie56 · 21/11/2017 13:31

Agree this is financial (and probably emotional) abuse. He won't get better.

Ring Women's Aid. They will give you good advice.

Start making plans to leave.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 13:32

He's a financially controlling arse. Leave him, make a claim for child support and get money that is rightfully your children's that way.

Smarshian · 21/11/2017 13:33

You will be entitled to child maintenance if you leave. Plus other benefits if you are in a low income household. Is the house in both your names? When you say no equity do you mean completely nothing?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/11/2017 13:33

I am not affectionate enough anymore
he didn't like the environment I worked in
Now he has cut off all money

He's not only financially abusive!
Jeeezzz... How did you not spot these red flags earlier?
Get on to Womens Aid and get some advice.
Also, get to a solicitor for a free half hour if they offer this in your area and find out where you stand.

Do you own your house?
Or do you rent?
Who's name is all this in?

What are the direct debits for?
Cancel them now if you know you can't pay them.

Get all your important documents together.
Passports, wage slips of his, pension info, deeds, birth certs, etc....
Get them somewhere safe.
If you can, leave now and get away from this vile abusive bully.
Do you have family close by you could go to?

He has to support his children so you would get something from him.
Work it out HERE

If you can then you may need to give up on your business until you get all your benefits in place.
Is this an option?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 21/11/2017 13:34

Agree with all the pp's this is financial abuse.
If you leave you will be entitled to benefits / tax credits to live on (CAB or similar can help with the forms) as well as child maintenance (approx 15-20% of his salary depending on circumstances). Women's aid can also offer help and advice with financial abuse. They can offer support while you are still in the relationship as well as if / when you leave.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 21/11/2017 13:35

Please don't stay with this man.
Don't waste your life.
Don't let him abuse you.
Don't make this 'normal' life for your kids.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2017 13:36

He is financially abusive. It is ALWAYS a bad idea as an unmarried partner to jack in FT work. He's wanting to you to trade sex for money. This is abuse. I'd tell him the relationship is over. And get a FT job.

Jackiebrambles · 21/11/2017 13:37

Oh god he sounds awful. Please start making plans to leave him.

For your sake and that of your daughters.

Motoko · 21/11/2017 13:37

I'm sorry OP, but you have to leave him. He's being financially abusive.

Only you can help yourself. We can give advice, but unless you follow it, you will just have to put up with his behaviour.

How old are your DDs? You might be financially better off as a single parent where tax credits etc are concerned. And you should go through the CMS to get child maintenance, don't agree to an informal arrangement or he'll pull stunts like this with the maintenance.

Start getting your ducks in a row. Contact Women's Aid for help with benefits and housing.

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/11/2017 13:39

Please please please leave. Make a plan. Talk to friends you can trust. Put documents (passports, birth certificate etc) on a safe place outside the home (with close family/friends). Put anything you own, worth any money away with family, along with emergency bags for you and kids containing clothing etc. Sell small things like grown out clothing on a local Facebook page (hide posts from him if he's on Facebook too). Ask for money to buy Christmas gifts.

If you move to your parents temporarily, can you increase your work or get a new job? You'll get child maintenance & tax credits (but might take a while to set up).

Don't tell him you're leaving until you're gone. He is abusive and abusive men often ramp up when they think they're losing control.

MrsWombat · 21/11/2017 13:40

Your parents don't need to support you financially long term. Just provide you with a room/roof over your head so you can LTB ASAP while you get a job or benefits sorted, then you can pay them housekeeping/rent until you can get a flat somewhere else. I'm assuming this would be better for you than staying in a refuge but that is also an option for you.

Please listen to all the advice on here and leave.

Pavonia · 21/11/2017 13:43

If you were on your own you would have:

Child tax credit
working tax credit
child benefit
child maintenance (from ex)
Your self employed income
Maybe housing benefit too

It would be tough and complicated in the short term but you can leave, especially if you could stay with family/friends while sorting yourself out.

Does your partner own the house?

Were you happy before this? If so can you tell him that you will only stay if he agrees to stop the financial abuse and attend relationship counselling with you? I have to be honest, I wouldn't stay with someone who would do this.

Flowers
NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/11/2017 13:45

Does he own the house you live in?

gillybeanz · 21/11/2017 13:45

This is financial abuse, it isn't his money when he has a family.
So sorry you are going through this, but he has decided to abuse you, it's up to you what you do about it, not randoms on a forum.

We can tell you what we would do, and personally I'd be gone with both kids asap.

Trinity66 · 21/11/2017 13:50

I don't think there's anyway to save this relationship tbh, you need to get yourself away from him. It will be hard but do it, it will be worth it in the end. Don't let your daughters grow up seeing this kind of treatment and them thinking it's ok

Schoolquery1 · 21/11/2017 13:55

Very very abusive behaviour. You need professional advice OP. Call citizens advice and they will point you in right direction.

Mrskeats · 21/11/2017 13:55

Yes what’s the housing situation?
This is why it’s such a bad idea to be financially dependent on someone you are not married to. Especially when there are kids involved. He has the power to abuse you but you can take it back.
As others have said make plans to leave
He wants to trade money for sex. He is awful.

IslingtonLou · 21/11/2017 13:57

He’s using money as a form of control - if you’re more ‘affectionate’ then he’ll give you a little bit more pocket money. Please consider leaving him

This behaviour isn’t normal, what partner wouldn’t want to help pay their bills/for their kids and actively see their partner struggle to pay bills/go into debt when they’re the main earner? It should be a partnership

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/11/2017 14:07

This is financial abuse. Does he own the house? Legally he has to house your children. You need some decent legal advice. I wouldn’t leave the house if you can avoid it if he owns the property. But yes, you need money and out of this relationship. Are the dds on your personal account?

HelenUrth · 21/11/2017 14:07

Oh wow, you poor thing. What a horror of a man.

There are no good reasons to stay with him. His behaviour has been escalating and will get worse.

The sooner you're out the door the better - but please do take the good advice of previous posters as to how to get yourself organised to do this as soon as possible.

Good luck with it all, it'll be worth it.

CardinalCat · 21/11/2017 14:10

Financial abuse is a crime- www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse#where-you-can-get-advice

this is only going to get worse, not better. You must take your children and leave. Contact women's aid (the link I posted above has some good information)

PoppyJ1 · 21/11/2017 14:11

Awful. He has probably been planning this for some time, which would explain why he wanted you out of your job. This will get worse. I would also agree with the other posters and advise you to make a plan to leave safely if that is possible at the moment. Tread carefully though, because I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to read your communications too; he sounds very controlling.

So sorry to read this I HATE seeing women in this position xx