in thinking this was not the norm in the 70/80s?

[MimpiDreams]

I've finally reached the point of no contact with my family but I've been told that my childhood was not neglectful or abusive as things were just different back then. But I don't hear of any of my peers having the same type of upbringing.

Some examples:

• rarely had clean underwear
• never had sanpro until I started a part time job at 16
• didn't have my own toothbrush
• dad used his belt on us when he was angry
• dad kicked down the bathroom door when sister tried to run away from getting the belt
• I broke my coccyx while skating and was denied access to doctor and pain relief.
• also denied access to doctor over a terrible verruca problem until a teacher noticed it at swimming and insisted I be taken. The whole of the sole of my foot was completely covered and I'd been in agony for months.
• often left with evil psychopath older brother who was never punished for his cruelty.

There's loads more, 30 years worth. But you get the gist of it.

So is this just how it was then and AIBU?

My parents lived in the USSR at the time, even there this wasn't normal.

Sometimes no contact is the best way to heal. You don’t have to resolve everything always, some people you just can’t or won’t resolve things with. Spend your time with people who love you for who you are

I'm sorry this was not the norm back then, of course not.
So sorry for you

I can also relate to the underwear, in infant/primary it wasn't always clean everyday. We also only had a bath and hair wash once a week when in primary. These things were different to now, but what you describe is abysmal behaviour from your parents, I'm so sorry.

Yes there were kind caring people around too. I was lucky enough to encounter a few and I'll never forget them. The lady in the house up the street who saw a little 3 year old sat alone on her wall and came out and gave me treasure (a plum) many times. Or the headteacher who sneaked biscuits to me from the tuck shop.

Later on there was an elderly lady who lived opposite us. She was really cantankerous and shouted at all the kids and parents alike. Apart from me. I spent hours in her living room chatting and singing. Her friend was a musician and gave me singing and piano lessons for free. Although I suspect they were being secretly paid for because my elderly friend once insisted I look respectable when collecting her pension, so as not to embarrass her, and provided me with a coat for this purpose. The coat just happened to be the exact same regulation one I needed for school but never had (until then). It's only as an adult looking back that I see what she did for me.

Some of the things you list are neglect - which is failing to do things such as providing clean underwear or sanpro.
Some of them are abuse - active behaviour that causes harm, such as using the belt or kicking down a door.

Your parents were both neglectful and abusive, you arent overreacting, being unreasonable or too sensitive about any of it. They know they are in the wrong, thats why abusive people hide their behaviour from other people.

Not normal at all. Sounds horrendous! I was born in 1951 to the usual sort of undemonstrative parents and had my DC in the 70s. Your childhood was awful.

Maybe people can’t quite believe parents can be so cruel but you know they can.
See a different therapist and look to a brighter and happier future, not a miserable and abusive past.

my elderly friend once insisted I look respectable when collecting her pension, so as not to embarrass her, and provided me with a coat for this purpose. The coat just happened to be the exact same regulation one I needed for school but never had (until then).

Oh, this is lovely, she was lovely, and she clearly thought you were lovely, too, OP.

How kind of the lady to buy the coat.

Aw that elderly lady sounds lovely bless her. Sad to hear about your experiences OP. I grew up in the 70s/80s and feel I won the lottery with my mum and dad. Realise not everyone was/is so lucky. Thankfully it seems there were some caring adults around who gave some comfort to you. My niece in law has just gone no contact with her parents after experiencing physical and emotional abuse throughout her childhood.

I hope the unanimity here is helpful to you? Not normal, not ok and you have the absolute right to put distance between yourself and your family if that is what you want.

That lady sounds lovely. But surely you see that if random old ladies felt so sorry for you that they were buying your school coats, it must have been very clear to everyone around you that you were being neglected and abused by your parents?

People intervened much less then unfortunately.

I’ve just listened to A Good Read on Radio 4. One of the books was Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me which is all about how people can and do justify the most horrendous behaviour, up to torture and murder. It made me think your parents OP. Maybe worth a read? Not to forgive or even understand but for perspective.