in thinking this was not the norm in the 70/80s?

[MimpiDreams]

I've finally reached the point of no contact with my family but I've been told that my childhood was not neglectful or abusive as things were just different back then. But I don't hear of any of my peers having the same type of upbringing.

Some examples:

• rarely had clean underwear
• never had sanpro until I started a part time job at 16
• didn't have my own toothbrush
• dad used his belt on us when he was angry
• dad kicked down the bathroom door when sister tried to run away from getting the belt
• I broke my coccyx while skating and was denied access to doctor and pain relief.
• also denied access to doctor over a terrible verruca problem until a teacher noticed it at swimming and insisted I be taken. The whole of the sole of my foot was completely covered and I'd been in agony for months.
• often left with evil psychopath older brother who was never punished for his cruelty.

There's loads more, 30 years worth. But you get the gist of it.

So is this just how it was then and AIBU?

I remember being told by a friend that her dad hit her with a belt, and I was shocked. Her parents divorced soon after. I am not sure if SS would have intervened or not, but as a child in the 70s, I thought that was wrong.
By the 80's I was working with kids and would have reported to SS for what you describe.

I grew up at a similar time and this was not normal. Nor is any of it your fault. You also do not owe the people who put you through this any access to your life (you may choose to contact them on your terms but it is not their right or your duty).

I did not experience the neglect that you clearly did but can associate with your comments about the 'evil psychopath brother'. I was frequently left with an older brother who enjoyed causing me pain and revelled in the fact that he found ways to cause me distress without breaking bones/too much bruising. If I ever complained about his behaviour I was told to I must have provoked him or that I was simply oversensitive. It was not until I had left home that I spoke to others about this and was shocked to hear that this was not normal sibling behaviour. My parents still claim that the same happens in all families but other people have family loyalty and keep it quiet and the (in my view contradictory) story that I have remembered things incorrectly and all there was nothing more than a bit of low level fighting between children. This last despite the fact that the aggressive/violent behaviour continued in to adulthood.

When I first stopped contact with him my parents even tried to persuade DH that it was all perfectly normal and that I was overreacting- they really seemed to expect him to have a word with me and make me play happy families/put up with the abuse.

I have a generally good relationship with my parents and can understand that perhaps they did not want to face up to his behaviour but I don't think I will ever quite forgive them for trying to pretend that I was making it all up.

There was one time when I was around 17 and we were on holiday in a remote cottage in Wales. I woke up in the night with food poisoning (I think). The cramping pain was worse that labour pains. I spent most of the night literally screaming in pain and begging them to get me a doctor. I genuinely thought I dying. Needless to say they didn't and the next day they all buggered off as planned and left me by myself for the day, so poorly I couldn't leave the bathroom floor.

Sorry - just re-read the bit about the therapist. Please see another one or get some help, you really deserve to be happy and have someone to really listen and help you properly.

At least a quarter of my friends got the belt, lots of others were hit with a slipper or wooden spoon. This was c1975 and in a nice middle class area of the SE. No one raised an eyebrow.

Again, not saying it was right, only that it happened frequently.

I'd class a 'normal' upbringing as one where the children are loved and cared for, money or no money - yours was far from normal and I'm sorry you've had such a rough time

No not normal. sounds very abusive and neglectful.

I am so sorry OP. None of it or was "normal" in 1910, 1940 or 1970!
Corporel punishment aside - it was much more acceptable in the past, so on that aspect, things have changed.

Not having clean laundry or being refused medical care is so wrong. If nothing else, we see doctors much less nowadays - hospitals and surgeries are full. Years later than the 70s it was still standard for GP to do home visit. I know our GP came when my sisters and I had chicken pox for example.
On that aspect, we are going backward, but no, it' s not normal or acceptable for parents to ignore their children's pain.

Nope. Unless there is some bizarre backstory that is not and never has been the norm.

Normal was being out for hours on one's own / with friends. Maybe one bath a week if money was tight. Hand me down clothes. Limited presents at Christmas and birthdays. A smack on the legs if naughty. Hair trimmed at home. But, a doctor if in pain that wouldn't go away or if a limb was hanging off.

We were hit with a belt or a slipper sometimes. We did get some sanpro, but not enough. My Mum was very hot on personal hygiene and clean clothes though, so we were never smelly.
Some aspects were more acceptable then than they are now, I do think parenting as a whole has improved but your childhood does sound very harsh, even by the standards then.

justmature

Oh my god you just reminded me of the pink worm medicine!

I grew up in the 70s and yes was smacked my parents and teachers alike as was dh but the rest of it sounds abusive op.

My darling dil has a similar childhood to you op and try as we do it still dominates her and makes her fought herself.

And trust me her parents are very wealthy and middle class pillars of society.

Bastards

Not normal then, not normal now.
In the 70's we had a bath and hairwash on a Sunday night AND Wednesday night (according to my mum). My mother made sure we had clean pants and vests daily and we washed our face and hands (with palmolive soap) every morning and had toothbrushes.
There was no belt in our house....shudders at the thought 😥.
I started my period at 14 (just turned) and the towels (and the dreaded looped belt) were put in my top dressing table draw (with a packet of mint toffoes and a copy of Jackie every month).
I was very, very loved and reading the OP honestly makes me so grateful for my lovely, darling parents.

Your childhood was abusive, it was certainly not normal in the 70's and 80's. Yes, there was poverty, and some children went without new clothes, baths once a week was the norm, smacking was a standard punishment, but beating with a belt was abuse, dirty clothes was abuse, no toothbrush was abuse and allowing you to suffer without medical treatment was most definitely abuse.

I was born in the 70s and didn't experience this - you were neglected and abused. And that therapist should be struck off.

My mum and her sisters were hit with a belt by their mum, in the 1950s. GM used to fly into rages. Her dad occasionally had to lock her in the coal cellar until she calmed down because he was worried she’ll kill them. It certainly wasn’t normal even then.

The other stuff is just vile. Dirty knickers, no toothbrushes and no medical care? My GP were working class (GF was a miner) but they were respectable working class and there is no way my mum and her sisters would ever have worn dirty clothes. It would have shown my GM up if they’ll looked uncared for. Washing was done by hand with a copper and washboard, but they would never have re-worn dirty knickers. Baths once a week in front of the fire, but daily flannel washes (GF used the communal baths at work). They certainly saw the doctor whenever they needed to.

I grew up in the 70s/80s, and hitting children with any implement was completely beyond the pale. I’m sure it was illegal by then anyway. Lots of parents at my school didn’t even smack. Of course clean clothes every day (we had a washing machine, and my mum is the kind of person who irons socks). My mum bought me towels and tampons to try, and once I had a favourite it would automatically be replenished with the weekly shop, I never even had to think about it.

We popped down to the GP with every minor virus. No way would I ever have been left alone with food poisoning - one parent or other always used to sit up with us when we were sick overnight. I remember one camping holiday I had D&V (from eating unwashed blackberries, totally my own fault) and my dad sat up with me all night holding my hair out of the way while my mum handwashed all the bedding. We were never left on our own, that must have been awful.

The neglect of medical needs was not normal, also lack of access to clean underwear isn't normal.
Even though I don't agree with hitting kids with a belt or slipper both were done in the 80's, my parents never did to me, but our headmaster used to 'give the slipper' or hit hands with a ruler . Seems unbelievable now.

Born in 1970 and that sounds nothing like my childhood, or that of any of my friends. Our parents weren't violent, we were well fed, we weren't hit, smacked or slapped.

OP they are lying through their teeth. That was not normal behaviour in your childhood era. You were seriously abused and neglected.

OP. No, this wasn't how things were in general, I'm sorry OP. But not uncommon, sadly.

I remember that my schoolfriend and my cousins were hit with a belt. My parents were horrified, especially as my dad's own childhood had been abusive and he'd realised how damaging that had been for him.

Baths once a week were the norm for us, and although we always had clean underwear, I never seemed to have enough school uniform to get it washed frequently, as it was so expensive to buy, even second-hand. I have a weird hoarding attitude with clothes now and am always doing laundry!

I hope you find a better counsellor very soon.

Yes our Head hit kids with a slipper, even 5 year olds.

Some of that sounds like the extreme end of normal, some of of definitely not normal.

I think though with the medical care people were much less inclined to get it checked out back then.
My parents were over-protective generally, but I can think of two times where they seemed very casual about things that I think nowadays would be looked at a bit odd.
First was when I was 3yo I had pneumonia. I commented fairly recently about the journey to hospital. Dm said "I'm surprised you remember that journey, we weren't sure if you were going to survive it." Bearing in mind that the hospital was 40 minutes drive away usually, in a place that was awkward to get to, and it was rush hour, I'd have been in no doubt about calling an ambulance (ambulance station was 10 minutes away max so it wasn't the delay in them getting there).
And dsis cut her head open in a playground aged about 5 or 6yo. Blood everywhere from a metal roundabout that was up in the air and knocked her flying. They wiped the blood up and we went home. Didn't even get it checked out.

Belt was normal for some of my form, although we didn't have it. I'd say about 1/3 to 1/2 of my secondary class said it was something that was used at home. That was mid 80s.

The first three I never saw/heard of though. One of my friend's mums used to always ask when she was going out "you have got clean underwear on" which we found pretty funny.

So I'd say although what you're describing isn't normal, I suspect it wasn't as abnormal as we'd like to think.

In the 1950's and 60's you would be smacked at school, i am in my 60's and my parents would occasionally give me a smack (usually for rudeness/cheekiness) but after the age of about 10 not at all.
Dh said his mother would threaten them with a cane she kept, but she had to catch them first!
I always had clean clothes, as did DH and we were taken to the dentist every 6 months, and we were taken to hospital/doctors for any injury/illness.
I brought my DC's up in the 80's, I like to think I brought them up well (can't have been that bad, as half of them are still living at home)

Op it was not a "caring and loving "upbringing, no way!

Not normal OP, I'm so sorry

I was born in mid-70s. I was hit (with the wooden spoon, clothes hangers etc etc) but my physical needs were always taken care of. I had baths, clean clothes/ uniform and sanpro when I needed it. I hope you can find a new therapist who works better for you.

the towels (and the dreaded looped belt) were put in my top dressing table draw (with a packet of mint toffoes and a copy of Jackie every month

^ this has just made me cry for some reason!

Neglect is never normal OP, and that's that. Maybe there were others back then who thought spanking and using the belt was ok but there were those who were kind and caring too. Why couldn't have they done that?
I'm glad you've changed therapists. A therapist who tells you what you did is "wrong" or "right" is just judging, not helping. One of the most liberating moments in my life was the moment when my therapist said to me "you're not crazy". Just three words. Set my heart free.

We had a very strict, austere household in the 70's & 80's and we did get physically punished. However our peers were not physically punished the way we were and they were horrified we got smacked.

Still, we had clean (second-hand) clothes, underwear, got bathed twice weekly, face and hands nightly and we all had our own toothbrush. Teen girls had San-pro. Whenever we needed medical attention it was never delayed, and despite me saying we got physically punished, it was solely as a punishment and not an outlet for an abusive parent IYKWIM. And as soon as they learned about other methods of discipline we were no longer smacked or hit.