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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking this was not the norm in the 70/80s?

87 replies

MimpiDreams · 21/11/2017 11:42

I've finally reached the point of no contact with my family but I've been told that my childhood was not neglectful or abusive as things were just different back then. But I don't hear of any of my peers having the same type of upbringing.

Some examples:

  • rarely had clean underwear
  • never had sanpro until I started a part time job at 16
  • didn't have my own toothbrush
  • dad used his belt on us when he was angry
  • dad kicked down the bathroom door when sister tried to run away from getting the belt
  • I broke my coccyx while skating and was denied access to doctor and pain relief.
  • also denied access to doctor over a terrible verruca problem until a teacher noticed it at swimming and insisted I be taken. The whole of the sole of my foot was completely covered and I'd been in agony for months.
  • often left with evil psychopath older brother who was never punished for his cruelty.

There's loads more, 30 years worth. But you get the gist of it.

So is this just how it was then and AIBU?

OP posts:
Nanasueathome · 21/11/2017 12:13

I was born in the 50s and had my children in 70/80s
What you describe is certainly not normal

LagunaBubbles · 21/11/2017 12:19

No its not normal. And you arent being over sensitive either, you were abused.

When I went no contact even my therapist was critical. He said I was wrong to do it and it's a reflection of my inability to resolve issues rather than a bad reflection on them

You need to find another therapist then if this is exactly what he said. Im a therapist and Ive dealt with people in therapy with similar sounding childhoods. I would never say this to a person.

karriecreamer · 21/11/2017 12:20

May not be "the norm" but a lot of that went on. (And probably still does today). I was never physically attacked, but was very much neglected, especially regarding hygiene, so I can identify with lack of clean clothes, lack of toothbrush, etc. One of the reasons I was badly bullied at school was dirty/smelly clothes, greasy hair etc. There was just absolutely no emphasis at home on cleanliness/hygiene. There's only so much you can do yourself when you're young and there's no hot water for a bath or to wash your hair! Same with food - everything we ate at home was processed crap out of tins/packets or from the chippie - fine at the time, but it caused massive weight gains and ultimately diabetes. My parents wouldn't even consider school lunches - they just gave me a crap packed lunch. As for school trips, etc., it was never an option - straight refusal "what would you want to do that for?" response. None of this was down to poverty, lack of money, lack of love, etc - it was just that my parents had a "strange" upbringing themselves (living through the war) so didn't really know any different themselves. When you're young and up against that, you aren't really in a position to change things. It was only when I was a much older teenager that I started to be able to look after myself better.

This is why Shania Twain's charity really resonates with me. It's all about helping children who fall through the gaps - the ones who aren't actually covered by other support mechanisms - the ones who aren't under the radar of social services. The ones who seem to come from a normal family but who aren't getting proper support. I know it's based in Canada, but I keep an eagle on its' progress and wish we could have something similar in the UK as the problems are just as bad here.

In the UK, of course we have pupil premium, but what about the kids who's parents have decent incomes, so aren't under PP? Just having the money doesn't mean that the kids are properly looked after and supported. Nor does not having money mean that the kids aren't properly supported - plenty of families without lots of money do a really brilliant job by their kids and don't need the PP support. I don't really agree with PP being the gateway to extra support - there should be a better mechanism to identify and support the kids needing help - money alone isn't the best way of identification!

tiredbutFINE · 21/11/2017 12:20

I agree that this isn’t normal. Are you still seeing the therapist who made the comment about you not wanting to resolve things? If so I would recommend discussing that comment with them, if you can bear to. Isn’t going NC a type of resolution? Why NC and not any other type of outcome? This could be a useful thing to explore. Also the therapist could well be a total arse which would become apparent by doing this, or they might have an uncomfortable point worth delving into.

queenofthebucket · 21/11/2017 12:24

its not normal to be hit with a belt. Sorry you had that.
It was a bit different then - I agree, I was brought up in the 70's and was definitely neglected. Standards were different, but I think your family and counsellor should recognise your experiences and feelings as valid.

Hissy · 21/11/2017 12:26

When I went no contact even my therapist was critical. He said I was wrong to do it and it's a reflection of my inability to resolve issues rather than a bad reflection on them

My darling, you need another therapist. this one is broken.

whatsavings · 21/11/2017 12:26

I had a very similar upbringing & it has affected my whole life.

My moment of peace and clarity came when my amazing therapist said three simple words - "I believe you".

You need a new therapist.

UrsulaPandress · 21/11/2017 12:28

Not normal at all. I grew up in the 60s and my Dad did used to threaten to take his belt off to us, but whilst pointing at the cupboard, so I bizarrely imagined he was somehow going to hang me up by his belt from the handles. He never did take his belt off though.

Hope you find some resolution to your issues.

Iris65 · 21/11/2017 12:28

*dad used his belt on us when he was angry

  • dad kicked down the bathroom door when sister tried to run away from getting the belt*

This sounds like my childhood, although he didn’t use a belt he used his hands. And no, it isn’t normal, it is abusive.

My sister and the rest of my family believe that our childhood was idyllic and I didn’t recognise the eulogy at my Dad’s funeral. My sister and mother are both absolutely griefstricken at my Dad’s death and I find it hard to fathom how someone so bad tempered, so selfish and so abusive could be missed so much. I am just learning about something called trauma bonding though and I think this is what my sister and mother had with my dad. I had very low contact with them for a long time and this reduces or breaks the bond.
Denial is a very common and powerful way of dealing with abuse, particularly in families.

Original poster
MimpiDreams · 21/11/2017 12:29

I didn't go back to that therapist.

OP posts:
spankhurst · 21/11/2017 12:29

I was born in 1970 and none of what you say sounds remotely normal. You had an abusive and neglected childhood, OP, and I'm sorry. Your therapist sounds misguided at best.

MrsJayy · 21/11/2017 12:31

My husband was treated like you growing up none of it was normal not even a little yet he questions it like you do. I am sorry all that happened to you Flowers

justmatureenough2bdad · 21/11/2017 12:32

given i think the worst treatment i got in the 80's was being forced to drink that god-awful pink worm medicine (obviously for medical reasons rather than it was that or nothing), what you have described is definitely not normal behaviour

Iris65 · 21/11/2017 12:32

Just having the money doesn't mean that the kids are properly looked after and supported. This is so true. I had a student who came from a vey wealthy family but was horribly neglected. It was heartbreaking: he was dirty, smelly, his uniform didn’t fit and he started stealing. His parents argument was that he had a credit card to buy his own clothes and food, he had been told to do his own washing, shopping and to organise his dental appointments. He was 11.

c3pu · 21/11/2017 12:33

I'm a child of the 80's... spanking wasn't uncommon, breaking down the door to brutalise a child with a belt definitely was not normal.

Flowers
BarbarianMum · 21/11/2017 12:33

It was very normal to hit children with a belt in the 1970s. Doesn't mean it was right though - that's why we don't allow it any more.

flumpybear · 21/11/2017 12:34

I didn’t have the best childhood and both my parents were alcoholics but nothing like what you’re describing at all - free doctors help and free prescriptions sonwheres the problem going to a doctor?! Sanpro is dreadful for a young girl too (I had this) and honestly made my heart bleed for you

I can’t blame you going NC

BonfiresOfInsanity · 21/11/2017 12:34

Not exactly the same but I could tick about half of your list.

BeautifulWintersMorning · 21/11/2017 12:40

It was very normal to hit children with a belt in the 1970s
Smacking was very common where i lived but the belt definitely wasn't normal.

whatkatydidnext1 · 21/11/2017 12:41

No sweetheart not normal Flowers I’m so sorry that you and others have been through this. I hope life is better for you now xxxx

brasty · 21/11/2017 12:41

No that was not normal at all.
Being spanked was fairly normal, but not using belts.

AJPTaylor · 21/11/2017 12:41

No. Not normal. Prob similar age to you. Parents were benignly neglectful. What you describe is abuse..

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 21/11/2017 12:43

I'm very glad to hear that you didn't go back to that therapist!

I'm wondering about this: nobody takes what I say seriously. I'm just over-sensitive, overreacting or have no sense of humour. I'm guessing you're referring to other family members and relations? If so, I really wouldn't let their reaction make you doubt yourself, nor spend time and emotional energy trying to convince them. Some people find it difficult to face up to these experiences, either because they're not able to deal with it emotionally or possibly because they feel guilt (even if that's unjustified). Guilt because they didn't intervene or because they didn't protect a sibling or maybe feel they "didn't have it as bad".

Sometimes too people are very uncomfortable with something that's so far outside of their own experience they sort of minimize it or assume you've exaggerated or misunderstood or misremembered.

Sorry if that's all a bit waffly! My point is that it's what you feel that counts and you can really only control how you deal with this as an adult, which obviously you are doing.

NooNooHead1981 · 21/11/2017 12:44

You poor thing, that sounds so sad and awful. Sad I do hope you have a few happy memories, childhood is so precious and innocent. No child should be subjected to anything like you were. None of what you went through was normal at all, and you must be traumatised by it all so much.

Have you had any counselling etc? Flowers and lots of love to you - I hope you are happier now.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/11/2017 12:44

MimpiDreams not normal, no, and absolutely not acceptable - but not uncommon then, anyway. I recognise some of what you said. I sometimes recount stories from my own childhood and then have to sort of remind myself that other people find them horrifying (with good reason).

Here's to not having to live with all that shit anymore (except in our memories, and in the way that it has shaped us as people). Flowers