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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is it my husband?

99 replies

angryjoanna · 21/11/2017 09:54

Please help me with some advice. I have a six month old baby and my husband and I seem to have been at eachother's throats since he was born and have discussed divorce. The latest tiff is turning into a full on family feud. I'm just not sure if it's me or him being unreasonable this time and I'd appreciate the advice of people who don't know either of us.

The latest tiff started at a family lunch at my parents' house a week ago. My uncle, who has never much liked my husband (he has never said so but has always been a bit cold with him), was there and ended up full-on shouting at my husband when they were talking about politics. My husband definitely didn't provoke this - my uncle has a tendency to lose self-control whenever politics comes up and he is also a little racist, which gets my husband's back up understandably.

Anyway, when my uncle shouted at my husband, I didn't intervene (I think I was concerned it would turn into a big argument if I chipped in) and, seeing we were all a bit shocked, my uncle then said sorry very quietly. My husband finished his food, cleaned his plate then went to another room and played chess on his phone for the rest of the afternoon. When we left, my mum called him rude for having gone off in a huff (my husband does have a tendency to go off in a huff). My husband didn't hear that comment from my mum, but I did tell her that it was my uncle who had been rude.

Since this tiff, my husband is insisting on cancelling our plans to spend xmas with my family every year unless my uncle spends xmas elsewhere. He says I'm pathetic and cowardly for not defending him. I've tried to suggest that we can go to his parents (in a different country) this year, and my family next year, but he's insisting that we can never have xmas anywhere where my uncle is, ever and that he doesn't want to spend xmas with his family either - he wants it just to be me, him and our son. As a compromise, I've half-heartedly suggested that me and my son can spend Boxing Day with my parents, uncle, sister etc., and xmas day just the 3 of us, but in reality I'm not OK with this every year and I know for sure that my family are not going to understand this and they will just dislike my husband causing ever more tensions.

Am I right to think that my husband is being childish? Or is it me who is in the wrong in expecting him to spend xmas with the uncle who - husband says - humiliated him?

Thanks.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 21/11/2017 11:33

What are the other arguments about, OP?
It's perfectly possible that both your uncle and your H are shouty, aggressive dickheads - if you have been brought up in a family of bullies, you may well have picked another bully for a partner because bullies feel 'familiar'.
Even if your uncle was totally in the wrong in this particular argument, the fact that your H is still laying down the law to you about who you can spend time with sounds fairly bullying to me.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/11/2017 11:35

If my in laws screamed in my face I wouldn’t be going around again for dinner either.

SecretSmellies · 21/11/2017 11:37

I also want to know what the OPs mum does to 'provoke' her DP.

Even with the minimising going on by the OP it seems that the DP is treated appallingly regularly by her family. I'd not want to spend christmas with them either.

RagingFemininist · 21/11/2017 11:45

Well... answers are interesting because they are clearly from people who think Christmas is a small family affair and to spend it with parents or IL is a chore.

I would personally hate to spend Christmas as a small family knowing that my own family is nearby (different if they are in another chutney for example). For me Christmas is a family affair that is family wth parents, siblings etc...

So what the DH said bout never ever spending Christmas with them wouldn’t sit well with me at all. I think it wouod be totally understandable if that was the case for the OP (at least it looks like it is the case for her - nothing to do with being still attached to her mum’s apron)

I’m also a bit at the reaction for a ONE OFF argument. Plenty of people are racist. You just avoid talking about politics etc.. with them.
Which then makes me think that there is A huge backstory there....

I’m also at the idea you didn’t dare intervene and tell your uncle to calm down. Actually no one seems to have thought it was. Good idea. Is it because he has form and people are bit frightened of him or is it because actually it’s nowhere near as bad as he makes it out to be?

TBH, I think his reaction has more to do with all the other issues you have atm. He is making a point to get at you (by disturbing your Christmas plan, by stopping you from spending your first christmas with your dd with your mum etc...) as well as using that incident to make the point you never have his back.

Last, why on earth is saying youR DH saying he ne er wants to spend Christmas with him means no Christmas with your side of the family? Is it not possible for you to see your mum for example wo the uncle present?
What about all the other occaions during the year when you will want to see your mum? Is he going to say no too??

Trinity66 · 21/11/2017 11:47

"the fact that your H is still laying down the law to you about who you can spend time with sounds fairly bullying to me"

tbf he's saying that he doesn't want to spend Christmas there which is fair enough if her family don't like him/are rude to him.I wouldn't want to spend my Christmas there either

Mittens1969 · 21/11/2017 11:47

It definitely seems like OP’s DH has been ganged up on by the awful uncle and DM. There is also some minimising going on, i.e. ‘a bit racist’. I agree it’s not possible to be a bit racist, that just shouldn’t be tolerated, end of.

Butterfr33 · 21/11/2017 11:47

Tbf to the DH he isn't flat out refusing Christmas with the IL's he's refusing if the nobhead uncle is there.

streetlife70s · 21/11/2017 11:50

Sorry op but I’m with your husband on this one. I wouldn’t spend Christmas with anyone that was rude or abusive to me. Ever. And I’d fully expect my husband to back me up at the time too.
He isn’t refusing to spend Xmas with your family just refusing to spend a special time with knob head uncle.

RagingFemininist · 21/11/2017 11:51

Re racism....

TBH I have related something on here that has happened to me with my FIL. His made xenophobic (racist) comments about how all foreigners are awful blabla.
I’m one of those foreigners so took it as a personal attack. (And so did my MIL btw. She was horrified)

Strangely enough MN told me I should chill out, that he didn’t mean it (it was Obvioulsy not directed at me). And that was really not acceptable to say he was a twat for speaking like this.

And now in that case, you can’t be just a bit racist and you should just never eepver speak to that guy again....

Even though we haven’t hear anything about how the DH answered, if his answers were measured or actually stroke the fire.

Notreallyarsed · 21/11/2017 11:54

First of all you can’t be “a bit racist”, that’s minimising something that is a very real problem and needs to be challenged.

Your husband is being unfair taking it out on you, however I think you were unfair not to speak up when it happened. Not a hope I'd let someone do that to DP and sit and say nothing, the same goes for him.

StaplesCorner · 21/11/2017 11:57

Agree with your husband. If his family had done this to you, we would all be supporting you to go NC or get your husband to sort them out. As it is, YOU need to sort your own family out. It sounds like a horrible situation for your husband, if that had been me I would have gone home left alone play chess on a phone!!

MerryMarigold · 21/11/2017 12:00

My husband has been very rude to my mum in the past - not unprovoked, but his reactions have always seemed very exaggerated to me e.g. shouting and not speaking to her.

You and yours sound like a right barrel of laughs. Not sure how provoked your dh was, and if he is very unselfcontrolled or was extremely provoked by your DM - but all this doesn't sound v healthy.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/11/2017 12:01

As someone who has been in your dh's situation, I'm on his side. My dh has never intervened for the same reasons you gave - he didn't want to exacerbate things. It doesn't exactly show loyalty to your partner. Although I wouldn't cancel christmas plans because of it. No family is perfect!

Clandestino · 21/11/2017 12:09

Your DH was right. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with a little racists man either.

Quartz2208 · 21/11/2017 12:18

Its difficult because I suspect your husband and uncle are far too similar - reading between the lines your husband is just as capable of shouting and has done so at your mum and your uncle has stepped in.

Now is the time really to decide whose side you are on, speak out where people cross the line, have a voice in your family

AnnaT45 · 21/11/2017 12:52

Just to say my marriage was on its knees the first year after having a baby. It’s such a huge shock but it does get better!

Also you’re not being fair. He’s your husband and the father of your child, why would you subject him to that behaviour on Christmas Day? If your mum doesn’t like him either then that’s even more reason to keep away.

Eliza9917 · 21/11/2017 13:23

I thinks it's a bit 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

You were unreasonable in not defending your husband when your uncle kicked off, but then your husband is also BU in his refusal to be anywhere your uncle is ever again, over such a relatively minor thing.

Maybe he just doesn't want to be near your uncle in case he decks him so thinks it's better not to be near him. In which case you would be U in trying to force them to be together and make matters worse.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/11/2017 14:36

It's always worth remembering that, even if someone's feelings are hurt, that someone can still be a complete wankstain themselves...

FlouncyDoves · 21/11/2017 14:48

Sounds like husband did the right thing and challenged a racist on their views. Good for him.

You should support him.

musicposy · 21/11/2017 14:50

If this was the other way round people would be saying you have a DH problem and he needed to stick up for you.
It's very unfair to expect him to spend Christmas with someone who is openly nasty and cold to him, and racist to boot.
You need to stick up for him, sorry.

The early days with a baby are HARD. It gets better, I promise. Try to cut each other some slack.

SecretSmellies · 21/11/2017 14:53

Yes...I was not sure DH and I would last the first year after birth. We went from being so strong to really having issues. It gets better. Talk talk talk to each other about how you are feeling.

biffyboom · 21/11/2017 14:57

Totally agree with your husband.
Why the fuck would he want to spend his time with your crap family.
I wouldn't let my children go back either.
Go on your own since you value them such more.

brownien · 29/11/2017 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/11/2017 09:55

So your mum regularly provokes him, your uncle shouts at him and you never stick up for him. I wouldn't ever want to go there for christmas either.

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