AIBU or is it my husband?

[angryjoanna]

Please help me with some advice. I have a six month old baby and my husband and I seem to have been at eachother's throats since he was born and have discussed divorce. The latest tiff is turning into a full on family feud. I'm just not sure if it's me or him being unreasonable this time and I'd appreciate the advice of people who don't know either of us.

The latest tiff started at a family lunch at my parents' house a week ago. My uncle, who has never much liked my husband (he has never said so but has always been a bit cold with him), was there and ended up full-on shouting at my husband when they were talking about politics. My husband definitely didn't provoke this - my uncle has a tendency to lose self-control whenever politics comes up and he is also a little racist, which gets my husband's back up understandably.

Anyway, when my uncle shouted at my husband, I didn't intervene (I think I was concerned it would turn into a big argument if I chipped in) and, seeing we were all a bit shocked, my uncle then said sorry very quietly. My husband finished his food, cleaned his plate then went to another room and played chess on his phone for the rest of the afternoon. When we left, my mum called him rude for having gone off in a huff (my husband does have a tendency to go off in a huff). My husband didn't hear that comment from my mum, but I did tell her that it was my uncle who had been rude.

Since this tiff, my husband is insisting on cancelling our plans to spend xmas with my family every year unless my uncle spends xmas elsewhere. He says I'm pathetic and cowardly for not defending him. I've tried to suggest that we can go to his parents (in a different country) this year, and my family next year, but he's insisting that we can never have xmas anywhere where my uncle is, ever and that he doesn't want to spend xmas with his family either - he wants it just to be me, him and our son. As a compromise, I've half-heartedly suggested that me and my son can spend Boxing Day with my parents, uncle, sister etc., and xmas day just the 3 of us, but in reality I'm not OK with this every year and I know for sure that my family are not going to understand this and they will just dislike my husband causing ever more tensions.

Am I right to think that my husband is being childish? Or is it me who is in the wrong in expecting him to spend xmas with the uncle who - husband says - humiliated him?

Thanks.

You chose to marry your husband but now appear to be prioritising your racist, argumentative uncle and shit-stirring mother over him. You need to sort this out or be prepared for him to walk.

It sounds like you expect your husband to sit back and take whatever shit your family throw at him. You're angry that he reacted when your racist uncle had a go and your angry that he reacted when your mum provoked him. There's no way I would tolerate anyone treating my DH like that.

YABVU and I really feel for your DH.

Im with your husband. Politics are a no no unless you want to get into an argument I find but for no one to pull uncle up is rather shitty of you as a family.

Any reason you didn't support your husband over your uncle?

Just agree to spend Christmas at home this year and say you're not going to discuss what you are doing in future years. Next year might be better. At 6 months you are still getting little sleep etc and tensions can run high.

Give yourself a break from the drama. As long as you don't have to cook a turkey it'll be lovely having a little Christmas for 3. Get ready meals from M&S or a takeaway.

Then if things are still strained with dh you've got all of boxing day to spend at your mum's house.

Honestly, I think you're almost arguing for the sake of it now.

My advice is to get through this Christmas first, and it sounds like you've got a plan you both agree on for that. No need to drag it out arguing about what you're going to do years in the future - forever! Jeez, that's an argument no-one can win - regardless of who's BU - and there's every likelihood it won't even matter at some point in the future.

Just tell him you think it's perfectly reasonable that he'd feel that way and put it behind you for another 12 months. And if he insists on getting your agreement on , tell him to stop being belligerent and whilst you are on his side there's no sense getting at each other over someone else's actions; you may both feel differently next year anyway.

Ha, x-post badabing :)

Wear your husbands shoes OP, maybe you'll understand him better.
Families are important, but you should be considering how you would have felt, if the situation was reversed.

I can understand why you didn't defend your husband - it may have made the argument worse but moving forward I do think you need to show your support to your husband and if that is a commitment to not spend Christmases with your rude, racist uncle - or mother if she provokes dh - then you should do it.

Dm has been rude to dh before (when he was 'just' a boyfriend) and it was so unprovoked I went nc for a couple of years.

Good luck op, I hope you can get your marriage back on track.

Sorry OP but your family sound awful. They gang up on you DH and you do nothing? It seems that your DH cannot win

• you admit that your mother provokes him - but gets upset if he answers back or shouts
• your racist bully uncle shouts at him - yet your family gets upset if he walks away from the situation

What do you expect your DH to do? Just sit there and take the provocation and verbal abuse as the family scapegoat? It will appear to your DH that you are condoning your family's behaviour!

I spent a very uncomfortable Christmas with my MIL who abused me and gave me the silent treatment for being the "wrong" nationality. It was horrible but my spouse supported me and we never spent Christmas there again.

You should have all left-you were really rude to leave your husband alone.

Your Uncle & mum sound awful & you'd rather be with them than your husband on CD?

You want your child to spend time with an angry racist?

But he's not saying she can't see her family just that he doesn't want their family to be around someone he doesn't get on with on Christmas day. Not controlling imo...

My dh likes Christmas day just our family and we see family before and after. He wouldn't need to go on boxing day? Could be good compromise

Another vote for your DH being in the right too.

I'd even go one step further and say do you really want your child to grow up around racists who are not being called out for their appalling behaviour. I would be upfront with your Mum and tell her that you will not be attending an event as major as Christmas if Uncle is present.

Christmas is supposed to be the time where you can relax in a smaller family setting comfortably. If it was say a NYE party I suspect you could avoid Uncle but in a setting where you are sat to eat and play games etc you can't!

I think you need to stick up for your DH more. If you take him to your family and he is treated that way it is up to you to soothe the situation and stand by him. Can't fault his behaviour on the day, but I do think he is lashing out unnecessarily now. Get through this Christmas as best you can and why not invite your family to your house in some future years and not invite your uncle? This is not grounds for divorce; seems you've both got very upset and angry, probably due to the stress and tiredness of having a new baby.

Tbh, it sounds a little as if you're minmising your family's role in all this and rather taking their view of things. Your OP talks of your dh 'causing ever more tensions' - is it really him causing the tensions? And 'a bit racist' is very minimising language (and a bit like saying 'a bit pregnant').

It sounds as if your dh has had enough and is making a stand, and tbh I don't really blame him. You sound a little in thrall to your family and used to seeing things their way. Time for a change of perspective.

Re: the husband shouting, I kind of get the impression that the OP might be minimising WHY her DH was angry with her mum in the first place.

OP - realistically, is it possible that you've been conditioned into accepting and minimising your family's behaviour, and your DH, as an outsider, won't tolerate it in the same way? If he's always facing defensiveness from you and continual contact, then he may well have worked up to the position where shouting and frustration is his only response.

And YY to the PP who said that taking yourself off isn't always immature. Sometimes just five minutes alone is enough to recompose yourself, and if I'd been shouted at by my fiance's family, I'd have calmed down before driving home immediately!

With the information you've posted I'm with your husband. Could you go around for a couple of hours on your own with LO?

It sounds as though there is a bit of history though. What did your Mum do to provoke him into shouting at her? Unless your husband is abusive to you, hence their dislike of him, then I really think you need to sit down and talk this through with them on your own.

Personally, it would be a case of this is my choice of husband and the Father of your grandchild. If you can't be civil and polite then I don't expect him to spend any time with you and that will therefore impact upon the amount of time LO and I are with you as well. You also need to apologise to him as well for your past behaviour.

So your mum is rude to DH, he bites, her DB is rude and racist, and your H is 'forrin'

and you sit there and tell him he has to suck it up?

You need to pick your sides better! Clearly your family are not a good bunch and you are in denial.

I'm Team DH on this.

Had someone shouted at me the way your uncle did, I'd pack up and fucking LEAVE!

Your H took himself off and allowed the visit to continue for your sake. and you let HIM down for not backing him up.

I see you have clocked this, work on it and you'll save your marriage.

Your H is not the enemy here. far from it

If this was the other way around, and instead you were the one being abused by an abusive, racist uncle while your husband sat and said nothing, people would understandably be saying ltb.

Your uncle is allowed by your family to behave as he likes and you expect your husband to come back again to a situation where he is expected to sit and take abuse?

OP, it is the perfect time to start new traditions now that baby is here! Make it your own, do what will please your little family!

Boxing Day or Christmas Eve with your parents, so that they also have the joy of having their grandchild with them.

Also, don't make it about the argument and the tension. Just about a special day for the three of you. If it means a Chinese takeaway instead of a Christmas dinner, go for it! It's your baby's first Christmas, try to make it memorable in a good way, not for it being a bit of a disaster with people shouting and criticising and being unhappy.

It is so tense when a little one becomes part of the family, look at what you can do as a couple to pull together as a unit.

Wouldn't it be nice to spend your sons first Christmas with just the 3 of you?

You say your husband has been rude to your mom before but not unprovoked, what has your mom done? Do you think your husband or you mom are behaving badly? Is there a specific reason that your family don't seem to like you husband?

I can see both sides TBH. I think that your husband is being a bit OTT to say that you can't have Christmas with your family ever again if your uncle is there, that puts you in an awkward position. But then he is probably very hurt by what happened and you not standing up for him but I can understand why you didn't as you didn't want to escalate the situation and it can be difficult to know what to do in the moment. Sorry I am not being very helpful but I don't think that either of you are being totally unreasonable so maybe when things have calmed down you could come to a compromise. I think the important thing is that your husband feels heard and understands that you are on his side.

I think these replies are a bit harsh.

Yes OP should have stuck up for her husband at the time, and I can see why he's hurt by that, but I also think it's unreasonable for her husband to demand they never spend Christmas with her family again for the rest of their lives!

Let's face it, most of us have moments where we dislike our OH's families, but they're still family and part of our OH's lives, so it's not fair to force our partners to cut them out (unless something really major occurs).

OP is there any chance your DH will relent a bit when he's calmed down?