AIBU or is it my husband?

[angryjoanna]

Please help me with some advice. I have a six month old baby and my husband and I seem to have been at eachother's throats since he was born and have discussed divorce. The latest tiff is turning into a full on family feud. I'm just not sure if it's me or him being unreasonable this time and I'd appreciate the advice of people who don't know either of us.

The latest tiff started at a family lunch at my parents' house a week ago. My uncle, who has never much liked my husband (he has never said so but has always been a bit cold with him), was there and ended up full-on shouting at my husband when they were talking about politics. My husband definitely didn't provoke this - my uncle has a tendency to lose self-control whenever politics comes up and he is also a little racist, which gets my husband's back up understandably.

Anyway, when my uncle shouted at my husband, I didn't intervene (I think I was concerned it would turn into a big argument if I chipped in) and, seeing we were all a bit shocked, my uncle then said sorry very quietly. My husband finished his food, cleaned his plate then went to another room and played chess on his phone for the rest of the afternoon. When we left, my mum called him rude for having gone off in a huff (my husband does have a tendency to go off in a huff). My husband didn't hear that comment from my mum, but I did tell her that it was my uncle who had been rude.

Since this tiff, my husband is insisting on cancelling our plans to spend xmas with my family every year unless my uncle spends xmas elsewhere. He says I'm pathetic and cowardly for not defending him. I've tried to suggest that we can go to his parents (in a different country) this year, and my family next year, but he's insisting that we can never have xmas anywhere where my uncle is, ever and that he doesn't want to spend xmas with his family either - he wants it just to be me, him and our son. As a compromise, I've half-heartedly suggested that me and my son can spend Boxing Day with my parents, uncle, sister etc., and xmas day just the 3 of us, but in reality I'm not OK with this every year and I know for sure that my family are not going to understand this and they will just dislike my husband causing ever more tensions.

Am I right to think that my husband is being childish? Or is it me who is in the wrong in expecting him to spend xmas with the uncle who - husband says - humiliated him?

Thanks.

If the boot was on the other foot - ie the wife had been shouted at by a member of the husbands family, wouldn't you expect the husband to support his wife ?

Sorry OP but I think you're totally in the wrong here. If you want your marriage to survive you need to support your husband when your family are being so rude. If he'd seen you standing side by side with him on this I doubt he would have taken himself out of the family dynamic.

As for Christmas, I think he's right to want the three of you to spend a relaxing day together, imagine what the day would be like for him, waiting to be goaded into another argument. And I wouldn't be looking ahead either, just focus on this year.

YABU.

You're uncle's behaviour was disgusting. You didn't stand up for him and neither did your family. Your DH removed himself I assume to prevent things from escalating further and your family think he's in the wrong?

No wonder the man doesn't want to spend Christmas with your dick of an uncle or your family who seem to condone his behaviour.

You need to grow a spine and support your husband. If this was the other way around, and it was his uncle who was racist and shouted at you and he said nothing, the MN just would be telling you to LTB!

So he's a shouty bully but doesn't like it when someone shouts at him? I see.

He shouts at your mom. He has a history of sulking and stropping. He sounds delightful (as does your uncle fwiw)

I also agree that "I think he's picked a stupid cross to die on" (I love that phrase) and now, being a stubborn arse, he won't back down, putting you in this impossible position.

He won't compromise now OP and frankly I don't see why you should have to

I think you're being unreasonable - is hate to spend Christmas in the company of someone who dislikes me and thought it was ok to shout at me over dinner. I too would have taken myself out of the situation - not to huff, but to calm myself down and avoid further conflict. How on earth should your DH have responded? Just continued in small talk and pretend the conflict hadn't happened?

I'd get this Christmas out of the way - a quiet Christmas for your wee family might be nice - and possibly bonding for you and DH. Don't underestimate the pressure a new baby places on marriage, compromise and teamwork are key early on.

I am not reading the detail because you have a six month old baby, and you need to realise that all of this stress and arguing is because of the disruption and lack of sleep and difficulty of having a six month old baby.

Dont fly off the handle banging on about divorce for goodness sake - take a breath, consider yourselves on the front line of parenthood until the age of 1, and don't make any silly decisions in the meantime.

You are looking at this whole thing in entirely the wrong way - it is the circumstances, not that you have both suddenly, magically changed and become irreconcilable. Try and focus on that and give each other a break/be forgiving.

i always find it irritating when people a) use the term "went off for a sulk" following an argument/emotional outburst... maybe a bit of peace and quiet/focussing on a game is a coping mechanism while ordering their own thoughts and emotions.
And then for your mum to call him rude having allowed him to be publicly lambasted by your uncle is totally out of order.
Without knowing all the context, i infer from this that your DH wants to build your own little family identity and that you are possibly still too tied into you family to allow that. Obviously i'm not suggesting that your family aren't important and you need to be less close, but potentially he is trying to focus on your little family unit and you aren;t on the same page.
I don't know what sort of person he is clearly, but from experience, holidays are mainly about resting mind and body and travelling and staying with other people (particularly where there is conflict) isn't going to help that.
I think you need to start focussing on your own immediate family unit and not be governed by whether your extended family will be pissed off that they aren't your priority....

People, are you not paying attention here? Are you just blindly virtue signally because racism was mentioned?
Yes the uncle is in the wrong. But the husband is rude to OP's mother and shouts at her family, and thinks he can control her relationships with her family for all time.

Why so much sympathy for this man? So weird.

You were being cowardly in not speaking up about your Uncle's behaviour.
Your husband was behaving like a silly child by going off in a huff and failing to interact with the rest of you. An hour to calm down, I understand that, an hour away from the uncle, of course, but it is poor decorum to punish everyone there and create another poor atmosphere. He should have come back and socialised.
The uncle needs to be told his apology was not heard, and he needs to phone your husband and apologise for his behaviour.
Your husband is BU to not want to ever spend xmas with your family ever again just because of this one man. He can still attend but make it clear if this man is abusive to him again, he will leave.

Sounds like you put your family before....well YOUR family. Your little unit now comes first, your parents etc are second. People that get that het up about politics are ridiculous anyway so your uncle has no excuse. I can't believe you didn't leave with your husband after that and demanding a proper apology from your uncle to your husband. You need to sort out your relationship and fix your family unit -to be blunt fuck all the rest of them for a while- for your child's sake at least try and make your marriage work.

Also there is no such thing as a "little bit racist" if he is racist and your husband is from another country then no wonder your husband never wants to see him again.

Sort it out OP!

shutitandtidyupgitface Where does it say he was rude to her mother and shouted himself? It says the uncle shouted . Taking yourself away from a situation is not rude in those circumstances. Personally I would have gone home with my family not left the table.

Seems like you come from a shouty/argumentative family and have married a man in the same genre. I would just make decisions about this xmas now (and choose just the three of you for a lovely time with new baby) as there will probably be more shouting matches before next xmas.

You need to support your DH and should've stood up for him in the first place.

in one of the OP's posts. You have to actually read them all?

Did the argument involve racism towards your husband?

Also I would deal with one Christmas at a time. You could ask be dead by next year!

It says it here 2beers

"My husband has been very rude to my mum in the past - not unprovoked, but his reactions have always seemed very exaggerated to me e.g. shouting and not speaking to her."

So he has a go at your mother but you admit he was provoked.

He buggers off to be by himself because your Uncle Nobhead verbally attacked him in front of everyone and you’re wanting him to spend Christmases with them and wondering why he is being unreasonable for refusing?

I’d be refusing too and I’d also be pretty miffed that you hadn’t said anything to Uncle Nobhead or your mother.

He is not being unreasonable he’s protecting his sanity. Your priority is your little family.

If one of my DPs family shouted at me I would not be seeing them again until I had a proper apology. Shouting is not normal, acceptable behaviour.

I also know that my DP would stick up for me. In fact I expect that we would immediately leave such a situation and go home.

I also think YABU.

bit of drip-feedery going on, and certainly, shouting at your mum (with no context to explain why this might have happened) isn't great... but if this is a MIL who still has you attached to her apron strings and is also someone prepared to let DH be shouted at by her brother at a family get-together, then i would be inclined to think that the animosity goes both ways....

shouting is not ideal, but what provoked it? It's not about victim-blaming, but i have been in a situation where something incredibly offensive was said to me by MIL and then she got upset and shocked when i reacted loudly....definitely not my finest moment, but it's incredibly naive to think that people won't react to offense...

hate to spend Christmas in the company of someone who dislikes me and thought it was ok to shout at me over dinner.

I agree. Good job the OP's mom doesn't feel the same about the OP's DH though or the OP would be totally stuck

I wouldn't be spending Christmas with a bigot whether he yelled at my DH or not.

Your parents have a choice between spending Christmas with their daughter and her family, or spending it with a racist who flies off the handle for no reason. If that's not an extremely easy choice for them then I can't see why you'd want to go anyway.

There is no such thing as ‘a little racist’. He’s either racist or he isn’t. Stop minimising.
You need to stick up for your husband a bit more.
Maybe you could invite your family (less uncle) next year. This year I’d do what your husband suggested. It’s one year and I can see why he doesn’t want to hang out with your racist uncle and play happy families when people are being ‘cold’ and aggressive towards him.

Gitface On the subject of the shouting before, what justmature said

You should of stuck up for your husband and called out your mother for her rudeness.

You are minimizing your family behaviour i bet YOU would not want to spend time with his family if they treated you like that and i bet you would have wanted him to stick up for you.

I'm sorry OP but I'm on your DH's side on this one.
There are umpteen posts on MN where the DH didn't stand up for his wife and posters are going mad about it so I'm going to say that you didn't stand up for your DH.
I think it would be a good idea to begin to set your own family traditions, especially around Christmas so if your DH doesn't want to go to your parents for Christmas you can't make him so why not have Christmas in your own house, just you, your DH and with your 6 month old?
If your uncle doesn't get along with your DH then they don't get along and you should have said "Uncle John*, don't speak to DH like that. It's rude and uncalled for. If there is any further talk like that, we're leaving" and then leave if it doesn't stop. You don't want your 6mth old to learn poor behaviour like what you've described as he grows up.