To find the demands for detailed Christmas lists annoying and exhausting?

[AnachronisticCorpse]

I have three dc and five nieces and nephews, as well as several adults to buy for. With my family and dc I have asked and been asked for vague suggestions and ideas for gifts, and I have chosen and bought things I think they will like as well as a few specific things they’ve asked for or mentioned throughout the year.

DH’s family do things very differently, they ask for and give very specific lists, I’m talking right down to catalogue numbers and Amazon links.

This year I have really struggled to buy for my kids, they all have everything they want or need really, but I’ve managed to cobble together enough.

But I now have to have the same conversations with MIL and SIL several times for the next few weeks. ‘What do you all want for Christmas?’ ‘Can we have your lists please?’. I’ve given them a few ideas but then they come back to me asking for specifics. Then they call DH and ask him the same. And of course the trouble with lists is then you have to ring round and find out who’s buying what. It’s all so complicated and it bugs me every single year.

I leave Dh’s family buying to him now because I find it a bit joyless, it’s just going through Amazon with a list. But I’ve done all my thinking for my kids and family and I don’t want to have to do MORE thinking for DH’s family. They know what the kids like and I’d much prefer it if they would just choose something lovely for them without me having to tell them the item, price and availability. And I don’t want to choose my own presents either! If I want specific things I tend to buy them, I want to be surprised at Christmas (or not get anything).

I know this is a bit grinchy of me. Also, I fell into the trap in the early years and gave them completed lists, and they bought EVERYTHING on them, which meant I had to do another round of thinking of things that we could get the kids.

I’m just exhausted by it all. AIBU?

My IL's are the same and I've learnt to make the most of it.

DS also has a December birthday so we need to draft up a pretty long list. We hold right back on buying new stuff from roughly end of summer hols and start adding it to the list if it can wait. Each gift giver is given only one suggestion per recipient so we don't have to go back and confirm who got what. We aim low on the price point, if they want to spend more they can top up with a little thing/chocolate or sweets.

For the adults we have either agreed no gifts or there is an established protocol (e.g. I like marzipan and soap from L'occitane, I could get either every year from everyone and it would be fine).

There is still room for spontaneity and surprises if people have the energy, I just hate to think of people slogging round the shops doing that "will they like it? will they have it already?". I haven't the time in my life for that these days.

This is why we all have amazon wishlists that we add to throughout the year. Works for birthday and Christmas.

Totally agree with the poster who said that it's time/thought/effort that make a present, and without those there's no point. Certainly no point between adults - which is why we now have a Christmas present amnesty with DM and DMIL (and hoping for a birthday present amnesty, too. Sick of choosing thoughtful gifts and receiving thought-free cheques.)

Also wish that DM and DMIL would actually try talking to their GC sometimes, listening to what they say, and generally getting to know them so that they might get some idea of the presents they'd like. They have the opportunity, they just don't have the inclination.

After that long whinge, thank God for my DSis who does all of this and comes up with brilliant presents that I would never have thought of. Otherwise my DC would only get stuff I chose, which (as a previous poster said) can be quite a narrow field.

Oh I feel your pain op. My parents, parents in law, brother and sister in law are all currently waiting for me to tell them what to buy my dc for Christmas. They will then buy whatever it is online and get it sent to my address, all ready for me to gift wrap.

I wish they’d just bung a tenner in a card (and the kids would love that too!!) but no chance.

Each gift giver is given only one suggestion per recipient so we don't have to go back and confirm who got what.

One year PIL asked early for suggestions. We suggested a comic subscription for DC1 (comfortably within suggested budget, his favourite comic) and PIL said oh no they didn't want to get him that. So we suggested a few other ideas and they went away happy. Meanwhile, since we knew he definitely wanted the comic, we suggested it to the next people who asked, my parents, who arranged it immediately.

You know what's coming.

On Christmas Day, DC1 opens two subscriptions to his favourite comic. Fortunately the publisher was happy to run them consecutively so he got comics for longer. But FFS.

And that's why I prefer Amazon wishlists now: because you can see what's gone and what's outstanding, so if something really is a must-have you as the parent can make sure it's bloody well bought and under the tree on the right day, and you are equally sure there won't be two identical somethings. Two different sets of Lego is fine; two identical kits is not...

I got sucked into doing that as well, and yes, it’s not a horrible problem to have (oh no, people want to buy me the exact thing I want!!), it does end up being a bit joyless.

For this year, I would just go with it as it’s a little late in the day to ask them to get creative in their thinking. But next year, fairly early on (Sep/Oct), say that your children (and you!) would really like a surprise. To help them, put a list together of things the kids like, characters, colours, sports, hobbies, sizes, brands etc

I’ve tried this approach this year - I’ll let you know if it works

Could be worse they could damand lists and pepper with questions and get none of the items but other stuff with no warning to you they've done that.

We learnt quickly to not suggest things kids really wanted - though they then started asking children directly - which left us trying to work out if they were getting it or not.

Now we direct to clothes - which mostly works well.

Though oddly they struggle withe easiest to buy for. Though even there we've had issues we get pepered with size questions but we had it a few times they decide they know better about sizes and it then taken two years for child to grow into or been passed onto youngest immediately or even had to be returned as too small.

Really odd one is when they've been with us and I've bought something, usually after pestering , to be put away for chirstmas/birthday so they know they will have item and go on to get exactly the same item of clothing - they don't even get a different colour of same thing. So who ever gives second us or them get a rather muted thank you from the child followed by a conversation from adults about having two clothing items exactly the same isn't a bad idea and really useful with said child nodding dutifully along.

I love a list. My mother particularly has form for getting me awful presents on the past, so she now asks for a list because I hate the thought that she’s wasted money on stuff I won’t wear/use. She’s really generous and loves giving presents so this seems like a win win.

We’re quite minimalist so it’s never a list of things for the house, but I fill it up with things like posh bubble bath/ toiletries/olive oils/Art books/ edible or drinkable things. Or use it to replace things like hairdryers and radios. It’s a long list so there’s plenty of choice and I don’t know which ones I’ll be getting.
I can’t get worked up about it to be honest. I’d rather people spent their money on something I wanted rather than something they thought I might like, as the difference between the two can be huge.

YANBU. I hate that.

OP, my IL’s have taken to giving me the money and telling me to do their shopping for my dcs for them. On top of my own shopping which gets harder every year.

Some people are better giving a specific list though as they are damned ungrateful no matter how much thought is put into their present.

I really struggled with this when I met my husband.

His mum would ask me for a list of things I wanted. I was worried that I would look cheeky if I put too much on. Had I put too little on? It made me really uncomfortable. I refused to have a wedding gift list too, much to people's annoyance.

I do ask my ILs for a list because they would prefer to get a present from their list.

The children write lists and they get some items from there and some surprises. What I don't get them then gets forwarded on to the ILs.

This really bugs me too, some years it is hard enough to find enough decent ideas for my own kids, especially as having 3 boys, they are into similar things.

Had a particularly disheartening conversation with my step mum at the weekend. She had asked for Christmas ideas about two weeks ago, so I picked some of the good ones off of my Xmas list and emailed them to her. When we saw them at the weekend, she pulled me aside and said 'We need to talk about Christmas. The ideas you gave me are not good enough' and then proceeded to tell me how she expected to spend £30-40 each on my three sons and that I needed to give her more expensive ideas.

I'm very grateful to her that she's willing to spend so much, but surely it should be about the enjoyment and the presents that my boys will really love, rather than how much it costs. So I came up with new ideas for her and bought the original ideas myself. It just felt very materialistic. I gave her ideas my boys will LOVE, they were decent presents, but because they didn't cost enough, they weren't good enough..... sigh.

dont know..... can see both sides.

my dd is so easy, she has a list a mile long of small things (most under £10) so its so easy to say to someone..."oh yes she would love this" and she will get lots of different things (things like barbies, enchantimals, sylvanian families....and not get duplicates)

my ds is completely different. He doesn't know what he wants. The one thing he did want was a lego set which he has got from us. The other lego sets are no way we can ask anyone for as its far too expensive. I don't want to ask for money from everyone for him as he is still young (under10) so wants things to open not just money. so just suggesting science sets or gadgets to people this year....lets see what he gets lol

Better that is annoying and a bit daft on her part. My sister will ask for specific things to get my dcs so I tell her some cheap things they’ve asked for and tell others not to get those things. Then the week of Christmas she’ll say she saw something else and got that instead. Usually a t shirt in the wrong size. I’ve told her if she wants to get anything then to get whatever she wants this year.

I don’t expect anyone to buy anything for me or my dcs and I wish people would not feel they have to just get something for the sake of it. It’s so wasteful and most of the times there’s little thought so it’s all a bit pointless. I try so hard to only buy a couple of things for my dcs and everyone else seems to go nuts and buy any old thing. We just don’t have the room for a lot of it.

Totally with you on this OP and it's exactly why we (as a family) gave up on christmas gift buying all together. Simply hand back all lists and give whatever you want which is within your budget - one gift per persona nd children only. Adults don't need to demand specific stuff from hard pressed relatives, it's gabby, greedy and rude IMO. So what, if they get chocolates instead of an iPad.

So what, if they get chocolates instead of an iPad.

Absolutely.

But it's often more like "so what if they get chocolates when they're prediabetic and trying really hard to avoid sugary foods instead of welly socks to replace the ones with a hole in which they've deliberately put off replacing because they knew Christmas was right around the corner".

ON the one hand Its good to know your not wasting your ££ and getting a gift thats wanted, BUT!!

To me it sucks out all the joy of gifting and the point of xmas.

Same with my DH family we dont get issued lists but mil isn't backward in coming forward with her disappointment over stuff - I couldn't believe it I think its bad manners! She also squeezes all joy of out gifting because you know she has broken her neck to get whatever for the absolute cheapest price - rather than choosing something the recipient would like, they are extremely wealthy.

Yes of course get the bargain etc, we certainly do, I am all for bargains but I dont break my neck to get them and not over xmas to the same manic degree. Even xmas food, she was moaning we paid £3 more for the better smoked salmon...

I get depressed spending xmas with them, in such a mildly panicked environment where people are spending money ie it panics them! dont spend...so guess what, I dont bother with her now and we dont spend xmas there.

Xmas is the one day where we dont want to have to think about the extras we have spent!

We all agreed to buy for the children not the adults. It’s a huge relief not to be frantically trying to think of something different each year.

I can't Xmas shop without lists.
I don't want to buy someone something I think they might like if there's something they actually want.
I actually don't understand the point of smelly sets etc coz to me it's standard "I couldn't think of anything to get a few people so here's some smellies I got on 3 for 2."

There's a difference between lists for adults and lists for children, surely.

A child is unlikely to be able to buy himself the must-have toy, whereas an adult can usually afford to buy herself the things she needs. My 4yo wants the Sea Patroller. Absolutely no way he'd be able to get it if Christmas weren't round the corner. Children have written Christmas lists, or letters to Santa, for generations.

I'd quite like some Rennie Mackintosh style silver earrings for everyday wear. If it weren't late November I might just buy them. Instead I've put them on my Amazon wishlist and either I'll open them on Christmas Day or I'll think about buying them in January. In the meantime I've given someone who wants to buy me something an opportunity to buy something they know for a fact will delight me.

Yep, my ILs do this.

Starts in about August and I am INCESSANTLY pestered until I provide lists for me, DH and DS.

I am given lists and INCESSANTLY pestered to decide what we’re getting for others so that “everyone knows and doesn’t buy the same thing”.

I used to resist but that frankly took more effort. So now I embrace it, does feel less stressful (albeit less festive too!)

It’s just how DHs family “do Christmas”.....

#bahfrickinhumbug

I don't want to buy someone something I think they might like if there's something they actually want.

Exactly this. If they are genuinely not fussed then great, I'll have a think, but if they do have some thoughts I'd love to hear them.

I actually don't understand the point of smelly sets etc coz to me it's standard "I couldn't think of anything to get a few people so here's some smellies I got on 3 for 2."

I've finally got someone who will be thrilled with one of these: a 9yo who is just starting to think about personal hygiene and wants his own stuff. For him the gift means "here's some shower gel that's only for you and reflects your journey towards manhood". For everyone else it means "sorry, I panicked"

So it is once again the time of year where ILs are either not buying off the specific list (bad ILs) or wanting specific presents (so they don't upset their DIL but are still bad ILs!)

I thought the whole point of Amazon wish lists is that the person buying the present can either buy it from Amazon or even just mark it as bought without having to know what everyone else was getting!