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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the demands for detailed Christmas lists annoying and exhausting?

79 replies

AnachronisticCorpse · 21/11/2017 07:05

I have three dc and five nieces and nephews, as well as several adults to buy for. With my family and dc I have asked and been asked for vague suggestions and ideas for gifts, and I have chosen and bought things I think they will like as well as a few specific things they’ve asked for or mentioned throughout the year.

DH’s family do things very differently, they ask for and give very specific lists, I’m talking right down to catalogue numbers and Amazon links.

This year I have really struggled to buy for my kids, they all have everything they want or need really, but I’ve managed to cobble together enough.

But I now have to have the same conversations with MIL and SIL several times for the next few weeks. ‘What do you all want for Christmas?’ ‘Can we have your lists please?’. I’ve given them a few ideas but then they come back to me asking for specifics. Then they call DH and ask him the same. And of course the trouble with lists is then you have to ring round and find out who’s buying what. It’s all so complicated and it bugs me every single year.

I leave Dh’s family buying to him now because I find it a bit joyless, it’s just going through Amazon with a list. But I’ve done all my thinking for my kids and family and I don’t want to have to do MORE thinking for DH’s family. They know what the kids like and I’d much prefer it if they would just choose something lovely for them without me having to tell them the item, price and availability. And I don’t want to choose my own presents either! If I want specific things I tend to buy them, I want to be surprised at Christmas (or not get anything).

I know this is a bit grinchy of me. Also, I fell into the trap in the early years and gave them completed lists, and they bought EVERYTHING on them, which meant I had to do another round of thinking of things that we could get the kids.

I’m just exhausted by it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Trb17 · 21/11/2017 08:12

I hate lists too as I firmly believe it’s the thought that counts and if no thought is put in then it’s meaningless to be honest. Even a nicely worded card is better than a thoughtless expensive gift.

Malpais · 21/11/2017 08:17

YANBU. My dad is like this. I hate giving a list it feels so grabby, but I’ve given in now because otherwise I’ll end up with gifts which serve no purpose but to show how little he knows about me... depressing.

missyB1 · 21/11/2017 08:20

I'm really glad my family dont do this, we just choose what we think is right. My mum did ask ds if there was anything in particular he would like and he said he would love a giant tube of smarties, so that's what she's getting him, he will love it - and so will I!

chocatoo · 21/11/2017 08:23

I know exactly where you're coming from. My parents get quite grumpy with me for not having any idea what my DH would like - they feel that it's my job as a wife to coordinate it all which gives me the hump! I kind of understand with GPs and kids because they are a couple of generations apart and will be wanting to make sure that they want to get it right and even more so if it's an expensive gift but for me and DH I think they should surprise us.

I hate giving money. One year we gave MIL money and she gave us money. I felt terrible because she gave us more. The whole thing was awkward.

Basecamp21 · 21/11/2017 08:28

I would prefer to spend my money on something I know someone wants than on something that is never going to be used.

How old are the kids - I would be expecting them to do the list themselves as soon as at school - you may need to cut paste links for a couple of years but they can do the thinking. I would just do wish lists on amazon - simple click to create and once someone has bought something it is off the list so no duplicates.

We always did lists as children as my dads family lived miles away and did not really know us. Never effected Xmas for us - my list was normally about 3 sides of A4 so I still never really knew what I was going to get.

whoareyoukidding · 21/11/2017 08:29

I think you're being a bit U. I think that working from a list makes present buying much simpler than agonising over whether a certain thing will suit someone or not, or wondering have they got that already?

I would much sooner buy someone something they actually want.

I have to say that I am with your MIL too verbena, I think that she is only trying to be fair and she doesn't want it to look like she is favouring someone over someone else.

However I can also see that it takes the 'surprise' element out of present receiving.

Original poster
AnachronisticCorpse · 21/11/2017 08:30

My favourite gift ever was from my parents to Dh and me. It was a total surprise. Tickets to a West End show and babysitting while we went. I’d never be able to ASK for something like that as it would be hugely presumptuous and cheeky.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2017 08:34

It’s swings and roundaboyts really. My ILS never ask any questions about gofts BUT they are absolutely shit ores

paperandpaint · 21/11/2017 08:34

I get this every year too and then.... a parcel arrives from amazon and I have to open it, dispose of all the packaging and then wrap and label it for them. It’s just throwing money at the situation (which if you have money is easy to do) without very much thought or effort.

Nyx1 · 21/11/2017 08:38

why not make a rule and say you don't do Xmas gifts?

yes, really.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 21/11/2017 08:39

I have this as well.
My DM does not live in the same country as me and my DC so she is not around as much as she would like to know what to get them. It is a reminder to her how far away we are and a bit sad...
I do find it stressful as she wants to know every early and, to be fair, just wants to get it right.

We don't have large extended family-no one but DM really buys my DC pressies. I (or they) do an amazon wish list for each. Lots of ideas of various prices so DM can sort of feel like she is choosing and they will get things that they actually want.

Otherwise she buys them things that will be wasted and it's a bit sad.
So I do nag and chase my usually DC into giving me some ideas as it is worth it on Christmas morning.

cook64 · 21/11/2017 08:39

it can be hard suggesting something when you dont know how much they want to spend

LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2017 08:41

Sorry pressed too soon!

My ILs are shit present buyers. They buy things which they like, thinking nothing about the person. Highlights have been a hostess trolly (who the fuck uses one of those nowadays), microwaveable fish dish (who the fuck microwaves Fish), and other kitchen appliances I’ve never wanted. The dc usually get something they’ve already got (but a more expensive version).

They bought my neice a new, very expensive highchair, when she was 18 months, she already had one and my SIL refused to take it home. PIL were most put out.Hmm.

Id much rather they asked for a few ideas as they spend a lot of money.

magpiemischief · 21/11/2017 08:47

I feel the pain. You feel like you have to do all the thinking. Not very Christmassy somehow.

However, I get why people ask. They don’t want to get the ‘wrong thing’. Other people they buy for might be very particular and not want them to get the ‘wrong thing’.

I tend to just make sure big gifts have a receipt and say if it is not suitable please change it. Even with children who believe in Santa I have said that the gift was a ‘special request’ (to Santa) from me for them & he doesn’t mind them swapping it for something else, if they already have it.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/11/2017 08:48

My MIL does this - but she leaves it until 2 weeks before Christmas which drives me insane. I've got enough to do in the last 2 weeks

whiskyowl · 21/11/2017 08:51

I get this all ways - have to think of presents for myself and for DH from both of our families. But it's not that much hassle - in fact, it's designed to cut down on the stress of choosing gifts! And it's way better than receiving a ton of stuff that just goes to waste.

I keep a list in my phone, of present ideas for other people and gift ideas for us. It really cuts down on hassle, because there are tons of things that you see and think "Oh that would be useful" and then forget about!

Frege · 21/11/2017 08:54

My MIL does this- drives me crazy, esp as my kids have Christmas birthdays so I need double the ideas.

Last year my brother (unprompted) bought DS the same gift that I had suggested to my MIL. She was absolutely furious about it. I explained that I hadn't told him to buy it, that I'd had no idea that he was planning to do so etc because it was a surprise, but she wouldn't accept it and to this day thinks I told her something someone else was getting in order to undermine her. FFS.

SilverSpot · 21/11/2017 08:55

Don't most children have a nice long list of things they DO want? Not hard to pick something of that to give to relatives to buy?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 21/11/2017 08:59

Bad memories of dcs Christmas list with dhs family. Every member wanted an individual list with several ideas to choose from - no sharing of ideas - was a nightmare to think of so many different things.
My family gave me the money to buy for the dcs - another nightmare as I did not know what they were getting from dhs family.

Shattered04 · 21/11/2017 09:05

I hear you. I have four DC and both sets of grandparents, and my siblings do the same. Several years I have to order it myself to our address and bloody wrap them all too on top of the ones we've bought them. Then they transfer the money and consider it job done.

What with all the school plays, teacher presents, Christmas parties, nanny presents, Christmas cards and working full time on top of that and DC with SN, I bloody hate it.

Original poster
AnachronisticCorpse · 21/11/2017 09:05

The only things the kids have asked for are the things we’ve already got them, and that was like getting blood out of a stone. The 15yo wants a new CPU so he’s getting boring cash (although I’m going to hide the cash inside other silly presents), the 13yo is getting all new bedding and curtains, again, yawn, but it’s what she wants. The 6yo only wants an Xbox which he’s NOT getting as we already have three different consoles so I’ve had to think of wow things to distract him from that.

It doesn’t leave me with a lot to go on. But DS1 is always happy with books, DD crafting stuff and DS2 Lego etc. Which is what I’ve said. But ILs want specifics.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnachronisticCorpse · 21/11/2017 09:06

And don’t get me started on the birthday when SIL bought all BIL’s presents herself and then billed us...

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 21/11/2017 09:10

Don't most children have a nice long list of things they DO want?

Nope, my 15yo consistently requests "I dunno" or "a surprise".

And there are no surprises for me at all on Christmas day because every relative has pestered me to give suggestions and know exactly what's in every parcel. We genuinely still really love and appreciate every gift, but sometimes a bit of randomness would be nice.

magpiemischief · 21/11/2017 09:11

Don't most children have a nice long list of things they DO want? Not hard to pick something of that to give to relatives to buy?

Not necessarily. Mine struggles to think of enough stuff. Or not ‘impressive’ enough stuff since grandparents often want to get something ‘good’. We think of a main present and they want to get it sometimes. We manage though. It is only because they care a bit too much, I think.

PickingOakum · 21/11/2017 09:18

I always find these gift threads interesting.

Our motto is that gifts are something you would not buy yourself. So as a rule, I request lists of ideas from PIL, DPs and DH and supply lists to DPs and PILs for dd, DH and me.

As a result, we are getting a wireless doorbell from my DPs for Christmas. Grin But I'm absolutely delighted about this as we really need one, yet I can never quite bring myself to buy one as I always think "oh, it's £30. We can manage without it."

I only really buy a surprise gift for my grandmother and one of my close friends. And to be honest, I find searching for the right thing at the correct price point to be horrendous most years.

I do wonder whether our way of doing gifts is a throwback to my parents' working class/immigrant upbringing where Christmas and birthdays were the time when you got items or clothes that were not necessary for day to day existence, but that you wanted (such as a toy, a party dress or a hair dryer). As money was always tight, getting the right thing was imperative as there was no scope to waste money.

It did take PIL quite a while to get this idea though, and we went through years of gifts that were completely inappropriate. I used to wince at the waste of money, particularly when there were things we really would have liked, but could never bring ourselves to buy, such as a new frying pan or set of baking trays.