To think most mothers treat their sons and daughters differently.

[ManicUnicorn]

From my own personal experience this seems to be the case, certainly with regards to my DM. She only has two children DB and myself, and whilst materially she's always treated us exactly the same, she totally idolises DB in a way she doesn't seem to with me. She boasts about him to anyone who will listen, about what a great person he is, how he is funny, how brilliant he is at his job, how he is a great cook, a brilliant driver, how talented he is etc the list is endless. She might boast about me when I'm not around, but I highly doubt it. The best she can muster about me is that I am the 'clever one' because I got good GCSE's and went to Uni. Any criticism of him, even jokingly from DF and myself is shot down. The sun shines out of him in her eyes.

Going back to when we were teens, and we went on nights out she would drop everything to go and pick him and mates up at all hours of the night where as I always had to find my own way home. I remember pulling her up on it once and her excuse was that lads would get into fights when they had a drink late at night so she wanted to make sure he got home safely. But women are far more at risk late at night, are they not?

There is so much more I could write, but it would be an essay if I did. She still makes him a packed lunch for work ffs! He's 30 and lives with his girlfriend in his own house! DB and I actually get along really well, and I don't blame him for any of this, but it's upsetting and from talking to other women a very common theme!

Why is this?

Things my Mum has said to me over the years:

• you sleep around
• perhaps you split up [with ex-H] because you never ironed his shirts (therefore I wasn't a good enough wife (laughs - but the implication is there)
• do you trust DH whilst he's away
• he'll chuck you out if his tea isn't on the table
• does DH mind you going away with the girls
• does he cope ok on his own (well he functioned perfectly well alone before we got together)
• ah but he didn't have two kids to look after before (she looks triumphant with this statement to which my response was 'well neither had I but I got on with it when he went back to work after a week paternity leave)

It's like someone said upthread, she's jealous of the life I've made for myself without being man-pleasing all the time. I know in different generations it was more traditional but she could've had it both ways. Her parents wanted her to go to Uni but she chose not to. Her parents didn't think my Dad was good enough (and he was, he was wonderful) but thankfully she saw the sense in marrying him. He was the life and soul and a thoroughly good and decent man but she would have been just as happy staying within her 4 walls.

She is an introvert though and the notion of me leading an exciting, fulfilling life makes her feel uncomfortable with hers. She's always saying I do too much (because I like to go keep fit, dance and socialise) but as she does absolutely nothing, doing anything seems a lot in comparison. She never asks about what I'm doing but will tell me at length about the minutiae of her day (which for someone who never goes out, isn't very exciting but I listen anyway coz it's rude not to).

Oooh that feels cathartic to get that all written down. I could go on.

Meant to add that nothing similar was ever said to my brothers.

My brothers are given much more wriggle room.

I probably treat DD and DS differently but only subconsciously

It was my sil who pointed out to me that my brother (her dh) is my mum's golden boy, and I am The Difficult One.
Idk if it's because of our genders. It might be because I am the eldest and he is the baby. And funnily enough I am closer to her than he is. Families are odd.

I agree, unfortunately.

My mother always assumes the worst intent in anything I say. She repeatedly described me as 'headstrong' and 'stubborn' as I was growing up - when in fact I just had interests that were different to hers. I actually have quite low self-esteem, and struggle with depression and anxiety, but of course she is not aware of this at all.

I try to think of her, call her, ask after her as much as possible. But I do find the conversations quite awkward and a bit of a minefield. I never know what I'm going to say that is going to be interpreted in the worst possible way.

My also-in-his-twenties younger DB, on the other hand, is unbelievably selfish and thoughtless. But of course she fawns over him. Describes him as 'lovely' and 'caring'.

I think my DH is starting to get tired of my tearful rants about it all when I decompress at home after seeing her . . .

Binary I can relate so much that.

I'm so glad I didn't have a brother because my dm wanted boys not girls, and she would definitely have idolised him. Whereas dsis and I were considered baggage, especially once her marriage broke up

I don't blame her though, she was brought up to believe it was an indisputable fact that girls and women are second class citizens.

I treat my children differently because they are different people, different ages and have different needs. They happen to be the same sex. My younger child, for example, can complete his homework independently. My elder child needs a lot of support. My younger child could truthfully say that I spent loads of time helping his brother but left him to get on with it. My older child could truthfully say that he gets less attention at bedtime than his brother. This is because one is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow while my younger child struggles to switch off.

I love both of my children just the same and parent them according to their individual personalities and needs and that means that sometimes I treat them differently.

Pagan Molloy yes! I can relate to many of those although in my mums case i think its just the way she was raised to see men as more important. I get told i do too much because im a working mum. Or belittling langauge -your little job, you try to go out to work. Db never gets told such things. His job is important!

It’s not the case for everyone of course, but in my 20s I met a lot of men who didn’t know how to use a washing machine, clean a bathroom etc as Mum always did that for him.

I suppose it’s partly a gender roles thing but with both partners likely to be working nowadays, it’s not fair to expect the female half of a partnership to pick up all the housework too (disclaimer I know this isn’t everyone and most men can perform basic housework tasks!)

In one case I knew a guy like that and his sister too, she could do all of it no problem but her brother was clueless! Seems their Mum did everything for him and he was just useless. He was struggling to meet a woman who would get serious with him as they didn’t want a man baby who couldn’t wash his own pants....

My mum treats my brother and I differently, she would always deny it. My brother has acknowledged this is the case. My brother is single, lives alone, I am married with two children. I think my mum has always viewed me as the more capable one so assumes I don't need any support. I assist my mum with everything I can, weekly shop occasional cleaning etc. My brother does nothing. Golden child comes to mind.

My mum freely admits she brought up sons not husbands...as my brothers wives can attest to. Growing up the boys didn't have to lift a finger, ever - whereas my sister & I had a list of chores to do during the summer holidays while mum was at work (brothers out with their friends all day)

I always thought when I have children I won't treat them differently (as it happens I only have one DD) but my sister makes bloomin sure my nephews can cook, clean, budget for themselves and get themselves places & don't rely on her for everything. Mum of course thinks that's like child cruelty haha!

I think it would be pretty surprising if parents from a generation ago or older 'didn't treat their sons and daughters differently tbh, given that male/female stereotypes were very much alive and well (and to a large degree still are)! Things like expecting your son to be a bit boisterous but practical and brave, and your daughter to be caring, modest and responsible have not yet died out. My dd is super confident, pretty outspoken and certainly no more varing than her brother.

boys / girls and men / women are different by and large. That's why they're treated differently.

I'm sorry that you've experienced this. I have one brother. We were genetally both treated similarly in all things. None of that golden child stuff.

I think it’s indefensible to favour one child over the other - and I think there’s a very very microscopically fine line between that and ‘treating them differently because they’re different people’.

Very easy to justify cosseting one for various reasons and diverting time and attention from the other because from your POV they don’t need it. Very unfair imo.

A lot of people say boys are simpler and easier. Certainly my DM thinks so. My DM loves me and my brother, but struggled to cope with the horrible, psychological bullying I experienced from other girls and my subsequent depression, coupled with teenage hormones and menstrual hormones etc. She didn't really know how to help me, and there was some defiance and a lot of crying on my part which didn't help. I also found feminism as a teenager and I think she found it a bit alienating and a bit disappointing that at the point I was becoming a woman I was becoming a "women's libber" rather than becoming more like her. She'd had hopes for me being a mini version of her I guess, and hadn't pinned the same hopes on my DB, because of his sex.

We get on absolutely fine now, but had arguments as a teenager that mirrored all the arguments my female friends had with their mums. I don't recall my brother or any of my male friends talking about similar. I think, on reflection, that a lot of that was to do with wanting independence. My female friends and I all wanted to grow up, live our own lives, wear make up and clothing that made us look older, have our own houses, go out to bars, have boyfriends over, earn money. So we were desperate for any way of feeling a bit older and more independent from quite a young age and our parents, fearing that any of the above could lead to pregnancy, weren't so keen, leading to arguments which then saw us labelled "difficult, stroppy, 15 but thinks she's 25".

My male friends and DB almost unanimously weren't that interested in the above. They wanted an easy life- lots of gaming, TV, having everything done for them. And in areas where they did want a bit more freedom- having a girl to stay over, going off camping in the middle of nowhere etc, these tended to be encouraged by dads who wanted their sons to be outdoorsy, intrepid, brave, good with women.

I do think some of my female friends and I got asked to do more around the house just as a punishment. Our brothers sat in their rooms out of the way gaming, not causing any trouble, and we were downstairs arguing about how late we could stay out which quickly turned to "this isn't a hotel you know, you could do something to help if you think you're Miss Grown-up..." I definitely think there was an element then of earning privileges through chores that most of our brothers didn't, simply because all they wanted to do growing up was stay in their rooms!

I have seen and witnessed this time and time again with my own dm, totally dismissing and ignoring db dreadful issues, violence etc whilst chastising her daughters for the minor crap. Seen it with loads of aunts and theories sons, friends with awful nasty brothers, the dm idolise them