To think most mothers treat their sons and daughters differently.

[ManicUnicorn]

From my own personal experience this seems to be the case, certainly with regards to my DM. She only has two children DB and myself, and whilst materially she's always treated us exactly the same, she totally idolises DB in a way she doesn't seem to with me. She boasts about him to anyone who will listen, about what a great person he is, how he is funny, how brilliant he is at his job, how he is a great cook, a brilliant driver, how talented he is etc the list is endless. She might boast about me when I'm not around, but I highly doubt it. The best she can muster about me is that I am the 'clever one' because I got good GCSE's and went to Uni. Any criticism of him, even jokingly from DF and myself is shot down. The sun shines out of him in her eyes.

Going back to when we were teens, and we went on nights out she would drop everything to go and pick him and mates up at all hours of the night where as I always had to find my own way home. I remember pulling her up on it once and her excuse was that lads would get into fights when they had a drink late at night so she wanted to make sure he got home safely. But women are far more at risk late at night, are they not?

There is so much more I could write, but it would be an essay if I did. She still makes him a packed lunch for work ffs! He's 30 and lives with his girlfriend in his own house! DB and I actually get along really well, and I don't blame him for any of this, but it's upsetting and from talking to other women a very common theme!

Why is this?

My brother was the golden child in our house, Mum literally did everything for him, never told him no, never told him off, defended him to anyone who criticised him (he was and is a horrible little arsehole), did everything for him and handed him everything on a fucking plate.
I was the opposite, had a hell of a time growing up, couldn’t do anything right and was constantly criticised and put down.
Then she got cancer and we realised time was running out, so we had some pretty frank conversations, and sorted our relationship out.
In the last months of her life it was me and my dad who cared for her, we became closer than I ever thought possible. The one occasion my brother came she threw him out because of the disgusting and entitled way he was behaving and spoke to my dad like shit. Her words? “I’ve created a monster, I’m so sorry. If I could go back and change things I would, I was too hard on you.”

I told her none of that mattered, not any more, and that I love her. She died 48 hours later.

She’s right, my brother is a monster, he’s a soulless, selfish, manipulative, spiteful, childish, self serving abusive arsehole. He doesn’t know how to love, and I wouldn’t change places with him for the world.

MIL has always treated SIL and DH differently, and as a result there's some ill-feeling about it. Oddly, though, SIL has gone on to treat her DD differently from her DS'. So perhaps there is some truth in it.

My Mum seemed to have no time for any of us equally. I like that; no favourites because I'm not keen on anyone.

And in DPs family it is his dad who favours his sons. So much that it annoys his mum.

No. I have seen some who do and some who don't

From the enormous amount of women on here who post about their useless, spoilt, self absorbed husbands; it clearly started somewhere and hasn't helped them grow in to nice people.

I think it's a generational thing. Men were the breadwinners, boys were expected to get jobs while the girls would be someone's skivvy wife.

My mother is in her 70s, had 3 boys and 5 girls. Girls were all stupid, boys were the apple of her eye. Lots of boasting about the boys, can't remember any of my sisters being praised. Girls all low achievers, boys high achievers but guess who always forgot her birthday/mothers day?

Her mother was the same.

I think this might be a generational thing and has almost gone back the other way. I've heard several women of my generation (i'm early forties) say that their mums favoured their brothers growing up. But of my friends who are parents now, I see almost a favouritism towards daughters. I often see families who have boys and then when a girl comes along she becomes the precious, favourite child, completely doted on. Also FB/ Instagram feeds full of cute daughters with much fewer pictures of sons etc...I have boys and constantly hear negative comments about boys/ postiive ones about girls though may be oversensitive to this.

Unicorn I know exactly what you mean! My DM always seemed to care more for my DB- she said he needed her more, and I think that's the key. Girls grow up and become more practical in terms of looking after them selves where as the boys are happy for DM to go on doing their cooking and washing etc and it makes DM feel needed. It does make you sad when you're the one who helps out but you know you're still in second place, I know it damaged my relationship with DM. DB is deceased now so I'm the Golden Child but too little too late

My brother and I always say that my mother dislikes us both but she still likes me less

True on both counts

Bugger, do we have to pick the boy as favourite? I was planning on choosing the one that less of a shitbag toddler as my favourite.

[its been a traumatic toddler day today]

Don’t know about the generational thing. I notice it a lot.

Little things- yesterday in macdonalds two women, each with a girl and boy each. The girls sat at the table with and were engaged with, talked to etc. The boys were sent to sit at the bench seats and of course with no supervision (all of the kids were aged about 5 or 6) started to prat around, get loud, drop food. Which them led to eye rolls and “boys eh” from the mums.

I see it a lot, girl child expected to sit and eat nicely while boy child is allowed to run about and “burn energy”. In parks too, boys run about rowdily while girls are discouraged from going to high and getting skirts caught..

My mil does it. Boy children are dirty greedy smelly creatures that aren’t capable of much. Girls are “3 going on 13” and always extremely advanced, even at random things like weaning early.

It’s subtle, but it’s insidious.

My dd is bright and academic like you. She is also fircely independent and has been since birth. It might look like l dont do as much for her as my 2 ds but she has never wanted me to. I am very proud of her and admire her independence. Maybe your dm is the same.
My dd has also been adamant from day 1 that she is not going to fall into the role of housekeeper with her brothers. They are far more domesticated that she is...thats not me favouring them!!!

My mum (who died when I was 13) was very encouraging of me, in that I felt she really believed in me and had confidence that I was very capable. I was a star student and athlete until she died and then I didn't care about any of it anymore. I suppose I was depressed and grieving. My db was always a very natural people person and has always had a very enjoyable charming nature. I felt my mum appreciated both of us and tried to encourage us to be ourselves. I think one of the best gifts she and my dad ever gave us was how to be a great friend. Both parents had very close friends and db and I are still able to make friends wherever we go. I felt loved my her and I knew she also really loved my brother but for who we were.

It could be a generational thing I suppose, but my DM can be very bitchy and critical of other women in a way she's not about men. I think on the whole she sees all other women as competition and that includes me.

This sounds just like MIL with DH and his sister... except it’s his sister who is idolised and who can do no wrong. DH has a very successful career, which MIL declares ‘dull’ and doesn’t want to hear anything about as it’s so dull. SIL has a low paid job in an area that MIL deems worthy, and it’s all she talks about.

I think it tends to be first borns who are favoured, regardless of sex.
We certainly treat all of ours differently. We always say we love them all the same but differently. They have/had different needs, different personalities and different ambitions. How could we possibly treat them all the same?

Oh and DH’s favoured sister is the second born!

I certainly haven’t treated my 5 DC differently on the basis of gender. I may have gone out late at night more to collect the older ones and been the group taxi more with their cheeky friends and sent a taxi for the younger two but that didn’t fit with gender bias, but being older, more tired and more affluent. Still didn’t sleep until all accounted for....

I’d say overall I’m closer to 2 of my adult DDs than the older ones though I love them all fiercely - and that’s not geographical.

It reads like you've got a lot of sibling rivalry issues, OP (sorry).

I can't treat my kids the same. They have different needs and I get different opportunities to help them (or get furious at them). Being fair is about doing your best by each of them at the time.

I have cousins, 3 brothers, 6 yrs apart each time. The eldest said about the youngest "He got the nice mummy. I got the shit Mum." Which is so harsh... but I suppose it's him making peace with the fact his mother learnt from her mistakes.

I’m one of 4, 2 boys 2 girls.

My older brother can do no wrong - he is the perfect child who married the perfect woman blah blah puke.

My sister is the golden girl - she was very poorly for many years and since my parents walk on egg shells and treat her like a princess, never left home, pays no rent (I was thrown out at 19 after college worked 3 jobs to support myself) works when she wants as she’s too ‘poorly’ to work, blah, blah puke.

Me and my younger brother are the ‘black sheep’ they have actually called us this to our faces, me more so as I take the flack off him and onto me. I married the wrong man (my parents irrationally hate my dh) they hate my house, hate my animals. My own mother didn’t even come to my wedding, however my brother was fawned over at his wedding.

I’m very meh about it.

I could have written your OP. It’s exactly the same in my family. I actually talked to my Mum about it the last time she visited and said how much it hurts me that I make so much effort to be good to her whereas my brother is unbelievably selfish and if I acted the way he did she’d be horrified - she said “if you treated me the way your brother does I’d be heartbroken - but it’s different, that’s not who you are, he can’t help it.”

It’s bizarre - she’s totally blind to his faults and it’s torn my family apart (not just our immediate family, but extended too, as he’s awful to all of them and she lets him away with it. She knows and admits that his behaviour leaves a lot to be desired but she’s too scared of losing him to say anything, I think.

I keep trying to make my peace with it but it’s very hard.

My DH and his siblings and DM tiptoed around the DF. My SON IL and his DF & DB tiptoe around his DM. I don’t see a pattern.

I should say I treat my children the same but I parent them differently.

One child is much sensitive and caring the other is a whirlwind. Obviously the whirlwind has stronger boundaries than the sensitive child.

They both have the same opportunities so swimming lessons, Birthday parties etc and a hobby which is exclusively for them.

I never want either of them to feel like one is better like my own parents did to me.

The hardest thing is when they want me to take sides.

DD: "No I shouldn't have hit him, but he shouldn't have started shouting at us! And he shouldn't have hit me back so hard!.... Why don't you punish him!??"

And I'm thinking, "Oh FFS. He was more violent but you started it. You both could have stopped this fracas from happening."

My mum is the same but would never ever admit it. Ridiculously in thrall to my DB. Of my friends Im not the only one who's experienced this either. & have seen those silly memes on FB 'My son is my sun'. I thought - why don't you say your daughter is your star?

A friend who has 1 9 year old DC (boy) said in passing she was so worried that when he grows up a bit more he won't want girlfriends as he won't want to leave his mum all alone, and it may be s big problem for him. I was incredulous. My answer was along lines of "Oh, really? wait till he discovers girls love..."

You only have to look at Stately Homes thread + other posts that pop up on here, to see that yes, this is s thing. But good luck getting that admitted OP.