To think most mothers treat their sons and daughters differently.

[ManicUnicorn]

From my own personal experience this seems to be the case, certainly with regards to my DM. She only has two children DB and myself, and whilst materially she's always treated us exactly the same, she totally idolises DB in a way she doesn't seem to with me. She boasts about him to anyone who will listen, about what a great person he is, how he is funny, how brilliant he is at his job, how he is a great cook, a brilliant driver, how talented he is etc the list is endless. She might boast about me when I'm not around, but I highly doubt it. The best she can muster about me is that I am the 'clever one' because I got good GCSE's and went to Uni. Any criticism of him, even jokingly from DF and myself is shot down. The sun shines out of him in her eyes.

Going back to when we were teens, and we went on nights out she would drop everything to go and pick him and mates up at all hours of the night where as I always had to find my own way home. I remember pulling her up on it once and her excuse was that lads would get into fights when they had a drink late at night so she wanted to make sure he got home safely. But women are far more at risk late at night, are they not?

There is so much more I could write, but it would be an essay if I did. She still makes him a packed lunch for work ffs! He's 30 and lives with his girlfriend in his own house! DB and I actually get along really well, and I don't blame him for any of this, but it's upsetting and from talking to other women a very common theme!

Why is this?

I think it’s common for one sibling to be favoured but I think it’s nothing to do with gender. My mum had her favourites (there was six of us), and my in laws worship DH but never have anything good to say about his brother
I actually feel very sorry for Bil, he spent his whole childhood being compared (unfavourably) to DH.

In general you are right OP, although you will get lots of posts saying otherwise.
Incidentally all the research shows boys get more pocket money on average than girls. And girls get asked to do more chores.

I have two boys and two girls. I don't think I treat them differently. DH is probably more protective of the girls than the boys though. For instance he would pick the girls up from a night out if they asked, but he would probably tell DH to get a cab.

Wasn't my experience growing up and I don't think it will be my DC's either. I hope not anyway. They are treated differently because they're different people and I don't adopt a one size fits all approach with them. Doesn't mean I have a favourite and I think you're generalising too much.

I always say my dm favoured my brother. It's now a family joke.

However, as an adult and parent, I can see it was really only because he is younger than me and I did everything first. She was learning when I did things and changed the way she reacted when it was his turn.

She doesn't favour one or the other in terms of achievement, I was the naturally brighter one who was supposed to go to uni etc, but I married young and had kids who she adores. He tried harder than me went to uni got his degree and travelled but hasn't started a family yet. She is proud of us both and is happy as long as we are.

I see this a lot where I live. Much less is expected of boys, their "antics" are viewed with fond smiles, whereas if a girl did similar she'd be hauled over the coals.

I notice it most with women who seem disappointed in their husbands. There's a bit of a culture of sons joining the family business or building a house on family land here. I suspect the mothers subconsciously see their sons as a ticket to increased wealth and comfort in some ways.

Of course, they end up as horribly spoiled menchildren, and Ma will iron their shirts forever

My Mum is a man pleaser. I don't mean that in a rude way but she defers to all things male. Similarly to what was mentioned upthread about the SIL "not knowing how lucky she is", to this day my Mum thinks I was lucky because my exH cooked and ironed his own shirt and could sew patches on his jeans. She even alluded to us splitting up because I refused to iron his shirts (I put her straight on that one, that he was an alcoholic who spent all our money on fags and beer). She positively simpers at DH, comes in to our house and asks if she's sitting on his seat, does he want a cup of tea, etc. etc. I have two elder brothers, we all get on fine but if they say something she takes it as gospel, if I do I have to show my working. It's how she was brought up and I make a determined effort to treat my DD and DS the same.

They are more likely to describe their sons as ‘funny’, ‘cheeky’, ‘playful’ and ‘loving’.

But when it comes to their daughters they are far more critical – believing them to be more ‘stroppy’, ‘argumentative’ and ‘serious’, according to the study by parenting website Netmums.

In fact, 88 per cent of mothers polled admit to treating boys and girls differently, despite considering it wrong to do so.

More than half – 55 per cent – said they found it easier to bond with their sons.

And seven per cent admitted their sons were given more treats than their daughters.

The survey, which questioned more than 2,000 women who have both sons and daughters, found that mothers were twice as likely to be critical of their daughters than sons – 21 per cent compared to 11.5 per cent.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1318036/Sons-really-mothers-favourites-88-cent-admit-treating-boys-differently.html

I do notice that my sister idolises her DS and is more critical of DD. On the other hand her DH idolises DD and is more critical of DD.

My sister was the golden child and I the bumbling, sickly, less talented but lovable idiot. My mum definitely lionised my sister and this discrepancy is, to small extent, why I only have one child now.

I don't think this sort of imbalance is restricted to a brother/sister scenario. Most parents don't treat their kids equally - even when they say they do!

MIL favours SIL over DH. SIL had a house deposit and wedding paid for, DH got nothing. SIL went travelling round New Zealand whilst DH re-sat accounting exams and now earns well, but apparently "he always lands on his feet!" She always alludes to sons moving away leaving daughters with the brunt of caring for elderly parents, yet conveniently ignores the free childcare on tap they have provided to SIL over the years which has cost us thousands.

I have 4 children and treat them all differently as they are different people. My son is the eldest and probably I have been different with him because of that - everything was a first with him! I do remembering making him walk home late at night when he had drunk his taxi fare, whereas I would not have done that with the girls for obvious reasons. I think YABU to generalise wildly from your own experience

My mother is a misogynist and has reacted to my brother’s childhood abuse of me in a typically mysogonistic way. In fact I now actually think she enjoyed his maltreatment of me.

Brother is gc and I am the scapegoat. He can do no wrong despite having frequently imprisoned me in a room as a child and physically hurt me all my life. When I was 12/13 he started with vile and sexually degrading name calling and him and his friends stripping off and willy wangling, getting right in my face and I didn’t know what to do. His friend also entered my bedroom and didn’t leave when I was naked and I just pretended to act super cool. This endured until I was at least 18. Brother is two years older.

Now in our 40’s, he has continued to threaten and physically hurt me, pushed me over etc. Denies my disability and chronic illness. Only last week I got a text from my mother about how grateful we (she and I) should be for something he’d pointed out. What I have recently done for him is a nothing obviously. (Business stuff thankfully soon to be concluded and am now NC with brother).

My father is deceased. But he lived vicariously through my brother. So although he was more harshly disciplined, he go lots of exciting extra things to play with and additionally got power over me so he could decide if I pleaded enough and would perhaps let me play with them. I’m talking stuff like scrap cars and motor bikes to drive around the fields. So big stuff.

I always took solace that my father loved me more than my brother. Now I think he treated me like the baby of the family, wrapped me up in cotton wool and infantilised me more than preferred me. That was the best parental connection that I had. And it was sorely inadequate.

I only have one child. But I’m still super aware of such things. My mother learnt from her mother. Her mother was only ever truly interested in her first born gc. My female cousin. The woman was largely indifferent to me.

I forgot to say. I think I’m in the minority though. Healthy families treat their children differently because they are individuals and have individual character traits. But the same on balance and all are loved and honoured equally.

My mother treated my sister and I totally differently. I was the golden child, my poor sister could do nothing right. It was an easier position for me, but I still hated it.
So it's can happen with same sex siblings. DM in total denial about it, even when my sister went nc and told her why.

my family is exactly the same, my brother is definetly my mum's favourite and I've also heard her friends say this to her so i know I'm not imagining it.
My brother can do no wrong whereas she seems to argue with me over nothing, i do think that the fact we have a very similar personality in that we are both stubborn and opinionated does have something to do with why we argue so much.
I hear my brother criticise my mother all the time and she just smiles and if I were to speak to her the way he does she would've disowned me by now! I also think my low self esteem has a lot to do with my mum too, the way i see her smile and look at my brother is something I've craved all my life but when she looks at me all I seem to get is a scowl or her look at me like I'm stupid. I used to hear her call my brother beautiful all the time growing up and I remember when I was a teenager I asked her if she thought I was beautiful and she laughed at me and said does it matter. That definetly dented my confidence and when I found out I was having a girl I made her dad promise me that if he ever saw me treat her differently to my son then to pull me up on it, I'm terrified of making my kids feel like I love one more than the other.

In my view I was treated differently by my parents, especially my mother, to both my brother and sister. They expected me to do a lot of chores and my brother got off scot free. Lots of rules imposed aroung going out in teenage years but none for my brother. My mother evidently can't remember the parties he had when they used to go away and make mess of the house. I have tried to raise it with them but they won't hear of it, they see everything a different way. There's a positive and negative to this. The negative is that something happened this year that was the final straw, I won't let my parents expect anything of me now and I do what works for me. The positive is that I am determined to treat my two as equally as possible, I have a girl and a boy. I don't expect DD to do more chores than DS, I expect the same from them both.

I've said this before on threads of a similar nature.

some mothers are jealous of their daughters doing better than they did. Mine certainly is.

After all I succeeded with being a single parent quite happily rather than take any man. She took the first bloke that came along and had lots more kids because she was scared of being alone (my grandparents were pretty liberal and supporting and housed me and my mother when I was a baby and gran did childminding so there was free childcare on tap when my mother returned to work so that wasn't the issue) . I went to uni, she didn't. I have had my own house since I was 22. She's been moving up and down the country chasing the tails of a man. I kicked my cheating partner in the balls she took hers back.

The underlying jealousy and need to sabotage me with sly comments is glaringly obvious as I've grown up. The less contact I have with her the happier I have been.

I dont think its sex per but I am wondering if your mother is a bit miffed you've done the things she didn't? or if she feels resentful she never did X but you did and she's putting that resentment into you? This could be true of ladies here who have similar issues but their mother prefer their sister, more like them iyswim.

Oh dear OP, I can feel your frustration, even though you are so amazingly lucky to have such a brilliant brother. That was sarcasm by the way!

I have two DS, and yes I am sure I treat them differently so it’s not down to gender, but reflects their skills or lack of them, ie DS1 has always lacked in confidence and needed more support in general. DS2 can look after himself and DS1 in my absence. Just two completely different characters but equally wonderful and lovable, and both golden in my eyes.

Anecdotally, I see mothers of boys, 'baby' them to a greater extent and to an older age

My own mother treated my brother and me differently. She was "old school" and pretty much told me that it was because he was male, the world was and always will favour males, I should accept that as a female I am not in the same league. And that was in the 1980s, not the 1950s.

Now I refer to him as the "prodigal son". He went NC with them for a few years in his 20s, leaving me to pick up the pieces of their emotions. Now he is almost NC. Yet when he does appear, the bunting goes out (so to speak) and he is welcomed with open arms. I speak to her every week. No bunting.

DM has already made it clear that she expects me - as the daughter - to handle any care needs in her old age. She doesn't expect the same of my brother. She wasn't that impressed when I scoffed at the idea. And yet I know she'll split any inheritance 50:50.

Maybe she is envious of me.

I haven't noticed parents of a boy and girl treating them differently, but I have definitely noticed a few mothers of boys who worship the ground they walk on. Ironically, these women would argue they're staunch feminists, and yet treat their own sons as if they're better than girls.

My mum idolises my DB, her DP makes jokes about it. I do adore him as well tbh as he is a great bloke but my sister and I definitely notice the difference. And I adore my DS but think I am the same with my DD. It’s difficult because until I met my DH (who is DD’s father) I was on my own with DS so we have a close bond. I have always had to share my DD with DH so the dynamic is different

I don’t think it’s chauvinism, I think that boys are easier for mums. The same way that girls are ‘daddy’s girl’. My DD has my DH wrapped round her finger. I tell him she’s going to be his problem when she is a nightmare teenager 😁

Bit hard then on DDs with absent or uninvolved dads

This wasn’t the case at all with my DM.