DH Wifework Xmas gift Buying FFS, sorry AIBU

[SJC2]

I have NC for this as am fairly sure the very pleasant woman involved in a MNer and I don't want to upset anyone. But I do want advice/telling to get a grip.

DH is a good dad and husband but a terrible friend. He has abandoned all his mates in the 24 years I've known him. He is popular as he is sporty, very able (making things, DIY, brilliant with kids, big exciting projects etc) he is funny, witty, a good cook, generous etc. Occasionally a miserable bastard but mostly just cba with any communication - won't answer phone/texts/emails etc. no social media. Months go by and he won't speak to his parents, he never instigates contact with anyone. There are deeper reasons for this (MH issues) but not relevant here. He is NC with his family (other than parents) and has dropped everyone else over the years.

The AIBU is regarding his Goddaughter (GD) who is the child of his school friend. His friend is a high flyer and very wealthy, we are not. Made a big deal of choosing DH as a GP. I was concerned that DH would not fulfill his role (we're also atheist) and attempted to speak to his friend about it but was brushed off. As I predicted DH did not maintain a relationship with GD. I have chosen and sent gifts because although I reject all other wife work, I like the children, it is an honour to be asked and it is not a big deal. Last Xmas, DH friend called me in a rage on 21st December ranting and screaming that DH had not returned his calls and that the gifts sent were pointless as it was obviously me buying them for her. He was really angry. I didn't say much but he repeatedly shouted that I had to 'make him fucking well phone me' and there was the implication that I was in someway to blame for Dh not being in contact 'I know you're very busy with your business but he needs to see his friends' etc. I said very little and was quite stunned.

I told DH about the call and he sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes then apologised for the call, and left the room. About a week after Xmas I got a text message from friends wife apologising for not sending anything for our DC for Xmas (I didn't expect anything) and received a £20 amazon voucher by email.

Over the weekend I broached the subject with DH and he said he didn't want to discuss it. It is GD's birthday and Xmas in next month and I feel extremely uncomfortable about ignoring it.

AIBU to ask DH to make a decision either:

1. we tell them he cannot manage being GF but we would like to see them when possible (limited as we live 300 miles apart have no spare room and work 6 days a week)
2. we tell them we are sorry for all the poor communication and he then sets a phone alarm and actually phones/does gifts etc
3. we decide due to the anger displayed on phone we do not maintain contact but tell them this and end confusion/frustration

Or is it his relationship to manage as poorly as he wishes and I should get my nose out? AIBU to care?

I would prefer it if DH had friends and a social life but he has made it clear that he doesn't want this at all. Sorry this is so long.

SO your dh couldn’t email or phone now and then because of the distance and the altered lifestyles? This is just excuses for your dh not giving a fuck about him. This is his choice - but it can be lonely when you realise all your friends are your partners not yours (especially if you ever split up) and that no one knows you from childhood anymore.

OP "DH was best man which meant we couldn't have a holiday that year and DHFwife complained to DH that our DC didn't have special evening outfits for the wedding and wore the same clothes they'd been in for the service. "

this isn't about a discrepancy in wealth, the friend sounds like a horrible person. but anyway none of this is your problem anyway. I realise you're just musing on here, but in real life you need to let go of it and give the guy what for if he calls you again.

DH does not want friends from childhood tbh, he is NC with everyone else - and that is his choice. He doesn't have social media, email, doesn't answer the landline or mobile except to me. He has suffered severe trauma in his early life and he manages very well. He works as a mentor for other youths that remind him of himself and that is the focus of any spare energy. I tried to maintain visits etc but it was hard as they always suggested expensive weekends away/theme parks/restaurants etc which we cannot do.

Again, if it was your H’s friend and he doesn’t wish to keep up with that friend and his family it’s not your problem - don’t do this kind of wifework any more!

DHFWife certainly doesn’t sound like she has exquisite manners when she’s doing things like complaining your children didn’t get changed at her wedding (?!) or making it plain she that she finds things you do strange. They both sound quite unpleasant, to be honest.

All the more strange that your DH agreed to the role really.

It sounds as though he has an awesome sense of social and personal responsibility and generosity in his everyday life. While a distant, privileged child with two functional parents might not seem a necessary subject of his attention, in a way, it seems odd that he wouldn't put the child first in his thoughts about the GP role.

The idea he should have taken her camping by four is silly (and I imagine more an expression of regret at things that clearly wouldn't be happening when she was older). But, rich kids can be miserable too and I bet she could have benefited a lot from the broadening of horizons the relationship could have offered in future.

Anyway. Not your problem and I'm sure they can send her to whatever camps they want to in future.

Next time DHF calls up to bollock you have a speech prepared. Preferably one in which you say something like 'don't talk to me like one of your hired skivies you jumped up, bargain basement Alan Sugar'. Who the hell does he think he is?

Thanks for all replies. I’m going to leave it and let DH sort any calls/emails although I know he won’t, you’re right it’s not my problem to resolve. Thanks for helping me see what’s going on.

By godparent, were they implicitly expecting you to take on the DD and raise her if they are suddenly killed? If so, do they feel her security is somehow threatened by his flakiness and lack of relationship?

So what was so urgent, did you ever find out? Why was the friend constantly ringing him?

It sounds like he had your DH pegged as the groom/mary poppins figure in her life, teaching the little princess to talk to the animals and have worthy outdoorsy experiences that would put her in touch with the common folk later on.