DH Wifework Xmas gift Buying FFS, sorry AIBU

[SJC2]

I have NC for this as am fairly sure the very pleasant woman involved in a MNer and I don't want to upset anyone. But I do want advice/telling to get a grip.

DH is a good dad and husband but a terrible friend. He has abandoned all his mates in the 24 years I've known him. He is popular as he is sporty, very able (making things, DIY, brilliant with kids, big exciting projects etc) he is funny, witty, a good cook, generous etc. Occasionally a miserable bastard but mostly just cba with any communication - won't answer phone/texts/emails etc. no social media. Months go by and he won't speak to his parents, he never instigates contact with anyone. There are deeper reasons for this (MH issues) but not relevant here. He is NC with his family (other than parents) and has dropped everyone else over the years.

The AIBU is regarding his Goddaughter (GD) who is the child of his school friend. His friend is a high flyer and very wealthy, we are not. Made a big deal of choosing DH as a GP. I was concerned that DH would not fulfill his role (we're also atheist) and attempted to speak to his friend about it but was brushed off. As I predicted DH did not maintain a relationship with GD. I have chosen and sent gifts because although I reject all other wife work, I like the children, it is an honour to be asked and it is not a big deal. Last Xmas, DH friend called me in a rage on 21st December ranting and screaming that DH had not returned his calls and that the gifts sent were pointless as it was obviously me buying them for her. He was really angry. I didn't say much but he repeatedly shouted that I had to 'make him fucking well phone me' and there was the implication that I was in someway to blame for Dh not being in contact 'I know you're very busy with your business but he needs to see his friends' etc. I said very little and was quite stunned.

I told DH about the call and he sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes then apologised for the call, and left the room. About a week after Xmas I got a text message from friends wife apologising for not sending anything for our DC for Xmas (I didn't expect anything) and received a £20 amazon voucher by email.

Over the weekend I broached the subject with DH and he said he didn't want to discuss it. It is GD's birthday and Xmas in next month and I feel extremely uncomfortable about ignoring it.

AIBU to ask DH to make a decision either:

1. we tell them he cannot manage being GF but we would like to see them when possible (limited as we live 300 miles apart have no spare room and work 6 days a week)
2. we tell them we are sorry for all the poor communication and he then sets a phone alarm and actually phones/does gifts etc
3. we decide due to the anger displayed on phone we do not maintain contact but tell them this and end confusion/frustration

Or is it his relationship to manage as poorly as he wishes and I should get my nose out? AIBU to care?

I would prefer it if DH had friends and a social life but he has made it clear that he doesn't want this at all. Sorry this is so long.

I agree with pps. DHF (DH Friend) has ridiculous expectations (“why hasn’t he taken her camping?” ) and was completely out of order phoning you to rant.

His relationship to manage (or not).

Yes, it's his relationship to manage. Also, frankly, if anyone ever called me up and shouted at me about the present I bought their child, they definitely wouldn't be someone I'd be in touch with again in the future. That would be the end of the friendship, no chance of repairing it. Obviously, your dh is like this with lots of folks, which is fine, he obviously just doesn't feel the need to have lots of people in his life (I don't either, am terrible about keeping in touch though I have some lovely lifelong friends, don't talk with my family often, it's nothing personal, I'm just not all that interested). But there is absolutely no excuse for shouting at someone's partner over a gift they graciously gave.

A Godparent's role is to guide the child through thier spiritual (Christian) life. There is no obligation to buy presents, go camping etc.

The child's dad was bang out of order on several counts. Firstly ringing up and shouting, critcising the presents, and blaming you. There's nothing wrong in the wife buying presents, I do that in our family, and dh does the DIY. Traditional, maybe, but it's teamwork and we're each using our strengths. The child's dad is grabby and rude.

Your dh isn't the one at fault here. A lot of godparents neglect their spiritual duty (including me). It's very much an honour for the day to be a Godparent, but that's it's nowadays. No one really expects more.

I bet the child didn't care who'd bought the presents. Doesn't sound like she'll miss them either though.

Successful friend sounds like a bit of a user, someone who assesses the usefulness to him of everyone he meets and focuses his attention accordingly. Do you think he's stayed friends with your DH because of their shared history, or because he prizes your DH's skills and cachet as the only 'capable outdoorsy person' and 'token northerner' he has in his collection?

Had he thought he could 'buy' these skills by bestowing the godparent role?

I think a call or note from your DH, to resign from the GP role in response to the bloke's behaviour towards you, is in order.

Generally though, mightn't your DH be happier if he maintained a few, good, friendships? It sounds as though he's making life harder for himself, tying himself up in guilt and negativity, by shunning other people.

Thanks so much. Really, this has been a very enlightening and positive experience. he was out of order ranting at me, but I felt guilty as I have a tendency to do when anything goes wrong. I hadn't thought about it in terms other than DH had let this little girl down, and her parents were furious!

DH is an introvert, he is also tee total (parents alcoholics - severe abuse and neglect throughout childhood now associated MH issues which he addresses and works hard at for our DC/me) and finds himself pressured to drink in social situations. He also volunteers for an organisation working with looked after children and is very much 'in demand' for the specific skills he has working outside with and mentoring young people. I think DHF had a fantasy that DH would be spending weekends doing activities with his DC but the reality is that we are incredibly busy and in reality the once we did suggest involving them in an outdoor project DHFwife nearly had a heart attack over mud/H&S not wanting her in overalls so we went to the cinema instead which everyone seemed happy with.....

Btw, why did your DH accept the role? How did he think he was going to perform it? What did he think it meant?

Weird to ask an atheist to be a godfather - very weird indeed.

Weird to ask an atheist to be a godfather - very weird indeed.

Exactly. Clearly after his outdoorsy skill set and some free childcare with nice outings included. Pfft.

Lots of people, even quite religious ones, ask atheists to be gps. Quite normal IME. Usually because they value the person, their values, think they'll be reliable, fun, a good influence etc.

The call was out of order but it is extremely hurtful to just be dropped by an old friend - someone you though enough of to be a godparent. My dcs have godparents, two different male ones who have never bothered about them after year one, and a female who is my friend who could not be kinder.
In life in general it is good to have and to keep friends. It can be a strain also to have a partner who does not have friends to spend time with.

Due to FIL being a RC and childhood abuse DH is 'aggressively atheist' but very quiet about it (and everything else except to me!) - I felt he was a strange choice and DH was clear and told DHFwife that he was an atheist and felt very uncomfortable in church. He agreed to do it because he was asked several times and was best man at DHF wedding etc. so he thought he understood that he didn't actively phone/text/email etc.

Thanks for all your help unpicking this, I wish I had posted 11 months ago!

I don’t see the point in asking an atheist to be a GP at all tbh, but clearly it depends on the parents. In this case it’s got messy now, as the op’s Dh doesn’t know what the dhf expects from the role.

My friend had a blessing instead of a christening / baptism for her dd. It worked really well as it meant she could ask her atheist and Muslim friends to be ‘guardians’. They all made a promise to the dd and didn’t have to renounce Satan etc, (as godparents do in CoE baptisms).

Well tbh, I'd drop any 'friend' that ranted and raged at my spouse, how disrespectful, is that what being successful and affluent does to a person. Your dh is no social butterfly but sounds like he dedicates himself to things that are truly important to him.

My dh’s bestman doesn’t have much to do with him now (since getting a new partner) and I know it makes him sad. You’re not talking about a casual acquaintance or work colleague. If this man is anything like my dh he will be analysing what on earth he has done to cause the distance and not knowing who to blame.

But how did your DH expect to perform the role? How did he plan to stay in touch with the child? That's a totally different thing from maintaining his own friendship. It's an adult obligation towards a child.

I would now be inclined to message DH's dickhead friend back saying that you found him extremely rude and you absolutely did not appreciate being spoken to like that, especially as you had taken the trouble to choose and send the gifts.

Say that as it clearly isn't appreciated, you will not do it again, but you are not DH's secretary or keeper, so you cannot guarantee that he will ever bother to do it himself. Finish by saying that from now on all communication and gifts will have to come from DH (who you know is unlikely to step up to the plate, though probably best not to point that out).

Copy the guy's wife in too. From what you have said, she may well be a lot more grounded than him. Drop him in it there, and hope that he gets a kick up the arse, which he so richly deserves.

Then back off. Respond to nothing else, but forward any messages to DH and leave the ball in his court, if he bothers to respond.

Do nothing. Don't send a present. Tell your DH that after the phone call, you took that to be an end of your 'facilitating' role. Sit back and leave it. You are not in the wrong and everyone else can sort it out if they want (or, more likely, not).

It is also quite possible that the shared history and long friendship meant this guy really valued your DH's friendship. He'd recognised, four years into the non-GP role that it was over and was expressing his sadness and upset about that to you. Badly.

I think your DH has really fucked up here. He never should have accepted.

Friend is a dick for shouting at you obviously but it sounds like he is upset and angry and he lost it and considering it seems your OH won't speak to him/return messages/calls, then you were the easy way in to voice his anger. He owes you an apology.

This is really enlightening. I think it might be a combination of things that led to the call. I never really thought about it before.

DHF is the CEO of a successful company he started at University. He has a driver, house keeper etc and is probably used to telling people what to do and them doing it tbh, which may have become a habit.

Other than that, DH and F met when they were primary school kids, they were the only 2 students at the sink comp they attended who did A Levels, they both escaped their back grounds and there was a lovely time, when we got married that they both seemed to have escaped the demons of their youth (DHF poverty, DH abuse etc) but by the time DHF married 8 years later the discrepancy in wealth/expectation was becoming a bit difficult (we stayed at the hotel they got married in for one night as DH was best man which meant we couldn't have a holiday that year and DHFwife complained to DH that our DC didn't have special evening outfits for the wedding and wore the same clothes they'd been in for the service. It was all extremely polite and a lovely day but thinking back, the cracks were already showing of different expectations.

Peoples' sense of responsibility here is way out of wack.

1. You should never have offered your opinion on whether or not your DH would make a good GF. That made this 'your business'.
2. The 'friend' has no right whatsoever to speak to you like that or demand a certain level of engagement from anyone after making them GF. Presumably if he is an old friend he knew what he was like?
3. Your DH does need to try and show friends some appreciation. You describe this as an old friend, so he presumably managed to keep in contact before?

Yes, it’s clear DHF had expectations of DH that were unlikely to be fulfilled. He also felt it was a badge of great honour, similar to choosing his Best Man. You DH, to put it simply, isn’t interested in being GF or even very interested in the child concerned. He has his own dc and works with others.

DHF on the other hand has just one dc and feels very insulted both for himself and his child that no interest has been displayed. He also probably had to fight for his choice with his wife who may have had other suggestions.

I think your list is good. He did accept the role so need s to address it. The friend was totally out of order and probably drunk. Why he wasn’t challenged earlier is odd but probably characteristic of your husbands communication style. It now needs sorting out one way or the other.

Finally, we chose a GF for ds2 who was childless and one of DHs oldest friends. He and his ds have been utterly useless. No interest ever displayed at all. We met for the first time in a few years recently and neither of them even asked after our dc. So hopeless but I wouldn’t ever have said anything. Not even when they dropped out of his 21st tea party last minute and never even sent a card.

his dw not ds.

I don't know how DH expected to manage. If they lived next door and had a more similar lifestyle I know they would be great friedns but we are so far apart in distance and lifestyle.

I think DHwife is a very well brought up woman with exquisite manners where as her partner is extremely clever and wealthy but had a more challenging upbringing and has been known to drink heavily and lose the plot a bit, if that makes sense. I don't think we'd ever know what she really thought although she has made comments indicating she finds our lifestyle odd.