DH Wifework Xmas gift Buying FFS, sorry AIBU

[SJC2]

I have NC for this as am fairly sure the very pleasant woman involved in a MNer and I don't want to upset anyone. But I do want advice/telling to get a grip.

DH is a good dad and husband but a terrible friend. He has abandoned all his mates in the 24 years I've known him. He is popular as he is sporty, very able (making things, DIY, brilliant with kids, big exciting projects etc) he is funny, witty, a good cook, generous etc. Occasionally a miserable bastard but mostly just cba with any communication - won't answer phone/texts/emails etc. no social media. Months go by and he won't speak to his parents, he never instigates contact with anyone. There are deeper reasons for this (MH issues) but not relevant here. He is NC with his family (other than parents) and has dropped everyone else over the years.

The AIBU is regarding his Goddaughter (GD) who is the child of his school friend. His friend is a high flyer and very wealthy, we are not. Made a big deal of choosing DH as a GP. I was concerned that DH would not fulfill his role (we're also atheist) and attempted to speak to his friend about it but was brushed off. As I predicted DH did not maintain a relationship with GD. I have chosen and sent gifts because although I reject all other wife work, I like the children, it is an honour to be asked and it is not a big deal. Last Xmas, DH friend called me in a rage on 21st December ranting and screaming that DH had not returned his calls and that the gifts sent were pointless as it was obviously me buying them for her. He was really angry. I didn't say much but he repeatedly shouted that I had to 'make him fucking well phone me' and there was the implication that I was in someway to blame for Dh not being in contact 'I know you're very busy with your business but he needs to see his friends' etc. I said very little and was quite stunned.

I told DH about the call and he sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes then apologised for the call, and left the room. About a week after Xmas I got a text message from friends wife apologising for not sending anything for our DC for Xmas (I didn't expect anything) and received a £20 amazon voucher by email.

Over the weekend I broached the subject with DH and he said he didn't want to discuss it. It is GD's birthday and Xmas in next month and I feel extremely uncomfortable about ignoring it.

AIBU to ask DH to make a decision either:

1. we tell them he cannot manage being GF but we would like to see them when possible (limited as we live 300 miles apart have no spare room and work 6 days a week)
   
2. we tell them we are sorry for all the poor communication and he then sets a phone alarm and actually phones/does gifts etc
   
3. we decide due to the anger displayed on phone we do not maintain contact but tell them this and end confusion/frustration
   
   Or is it his relationship to manage as poorly as he wishes and I should get my nose out? AIBU to care?
   
   I would prefer it if DH had friends and a social life but he has made it clear that he doesn't want this at all. Sorry this is so long.

[SJC2]

Sorry about the title.

[sourpatchkid]

God - friend sounds like an entitled arsehole. Not your job to fix. The little girl couldn’t care less about a gift from your DH if she never sees him anyway

[Nyx1]

wow

1. the GD presents are not for you to deal with
   
2. the friend should not have had a go at you. If he tries to contact you in future, tell him firmly that he was out of order, you are not responsible for your husband's actions and that if he wants to talk to your husband that is what he needs to do.
   
   when you began your post, I thought you were going to be the wife of an ex-friend of mine. He couldn't be bothered maintaining friendships either. I just wrote him off but I bumped into his wife once afterwards and she told me that some people hadn't done that and had actually turned up on the doorstep wanting to see him. But I'm not aware of anyone resorting to calling the wife and shouting at her!! That's appalling.

[TheVanguardSix]

I can't even remember which one of my uncles is my Godfather. I just know that one of them is.
Do I care? Not at all!

Maybe your DH has neglected his Goddaughter unwittingly but subconsciously this may have to do with a deep-seated dislike of his friend, Goddaughter's dad. He sounds repulsive! I'd give him a wide berth. Maybe your DH hasn't known how to deal with his discomfort with/dislike of this friend so has sort of hoped that by doing nothing, it would fade away on its own.

As for your DH, maybe he just doesn't do well socially and people aren't his thing. The more I've accepted this about myself, the better I've become at nurturing the right relationships. I like people but social obligations and human expectations stress me more so than the norm- your DH may be like this and have a low threshold for social stress.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't think any of the godparents I chose for my DD are in much contact with her.
One went NC with the family when my DD was 3 and hasn't contacted us at all in nearly 17 years.
Even her god mother doesn't bother.
But as PP's have said, this is nothing to do with you really.
It's up to them to sort it out between themselves.
If he phones again and starts ranting then hang up immediately.
You care and that's nice.
But leave them to it.

[PhuntSox]

My MIL has blamed me for her son's lack of communication, as if I am somehow responsible for him not talking to her. She also shouted a fair bit. I have decided that rather than facilitating their relationship I will be stepping back, far far back, because its is not my responsibility and I did not appreciate being abused.

[SJC2]

The friend is very successful and has a huge sense of entitlement - his wife is very well to do and to give an example of how different we are the first time we met up we all went for a walk in the Lake District and she revelaed she'd 1) never wee'd outside and 2)never eaten a pasty or sausage roll! It's another world eh?

The friend has been a good friend to DH but at their wedding we were paraded round - it was all a bit 'here are our northern working class friends, see how down to earth we are' - a bit odd when friend is from the same estate DH grew up on!

I have never made any attempts to control Dh or his social life or lack of, it's his choice. I am a bit of a hermit myself but am good at phone calls/email etc and maintain 3 very close amazing friendships. This couple seem to have lots of 'couple friends' they do expensive weekends at centre parks/trips to london/cottages in cornwall etc with but we could never afford that and wouldn't want to anyway!

[PhuntSox]

Also, I think I would have been much more willing to help them have a functioning relationship if she hadn't shouted at me. I expect you feel somewhat the same.

[NapQueen]

Your DH hasnt implied to his friends that you are the reason he doesnt see them has he? Like using you as a scapegoat?

[CupofFrothyCoffee]

YANBU. The asshole friend needs taking down a peg or two, I would want to have my say with him and put him right.

[FizzyGreenWater]

So hang on, Twat Friend is angry that you send the presents when DH is the godfather and he should be doing it but clearly cba...

...so he rings YOU as somehow you should take responsibility for it??

That makes no sense.

Either:

• he thinks that managing the social stuff is Wifework and Wife does it, in which case gifts coming 'from DH' but obviously chosen by you are exactly what might be expected, or
  

• he is hurt as he does NOT think this and expects DH to step up and take/want the responsibility. In which case, he'd shout at DH, not you, because the scenario of you maintaining the relationship on his behalf is exactly what he has such a problem with, yes?
  

I'd probably email him myself, point out this utter inconsistency in his thinking and suggest he sits down and works out what he wants. Then tell him to think back to what you TRIED to tell him when his DD was born and maybe give you a moment's credit for knowing your own H. Finally, tell him that if he has anything further to say about this, your H is the one to contact, just as he was in the beginning, and he is to absolutely never contact you again as you will NOT ever be screeched at like that again.

[SJC2]

I think DHF (DHfriend) had a fantasy version of what we are and how the relationship would be. In the call he was spouting off about all sorts - asking why Dh hadn't taken GD camping, taken her to the seaside etc. Dh is very outdoorsy and he seemed to have built expectations and not discussed them. It's all a but soap opera and weird for me. I like the quiet life - just be kind and enjoy each others company when possible.

[GrasswillbeGreener]

I wonder if your husband's inability to maintain his friendships has an element of depression crossed with excessive expectations on the other side. I say that largely because the not answering calls and emails / not initiating contact sounds very familiar to me and in my case depression is largely where that comes from.

[Creatureofthenight]

DHF sounds bonkers - why would his daughter want to go camping with someone she barely knows?
I've not seen my godfather for years and he never sent me so much as a card, I'm not bothered in the slightest.

[Justanothernap]

If all you are to the gd is a provider of additional presents I don't think you need to feel bad about stopping. The picture you painted of the family suggests she won't be lacking in presents anyway.

Ultimately if your dh isn't interested in pursuing a relationship it's not on you. Stop the presents due to friends rudeness. Ignore any ensuing rants - or direct to your dh.

The only pause for thought is if there's any chance you will be seeing them socially at all?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Just step back. The little girl honestly won't be distressed by your H not sending her presents or keeping in touch... well, unless her dick of a father makes a big deal of it to her. However, even if he does do that, it is not your fault and not your responsibility.
And if the friend ever rings you again, unless it's to apologise, tell him that he can phone your H or email him if he wants to, but you will not be a messenger.

[WeShouldOpenABar]

I wonder if by trying to warn them having your dh as a godfather wouldn't end well he now sees it come true and thinks you caused it rather than foresaw it.. Nothing excuses his attitude and I would not be answering any calls from him

[RandomMess]

I would completely ignore or consider emailing them yourself and expressing how unkind and distasteful the phone call was and that you cannot make your DH bother with friendships and you warned that he was not a good choice for this very reason...

[Viviennemary]

This guy was totally out of order for yelling at you. I don't think you can opt out of being a GP. It's for life but whether or not you choose to actively do anything that's up to you. And it's really rude of people to complain if GP's don't live up to expectations. That's just tough. And why would you choose a GP who was an atheist. It's mad anyway.

[BewareOfDragons]

For any future phone calls:

"Just because I have a vagina, doesn't mean I am responsible for making sure my DH calls, emails, texts or writes to you or your DD. He is a grown up and responsible for himself. I am not his mother." Then hang up.

Let him sort it himself.

I find it amusing but not surprising, incidentally, that the friend's WIFE sent through 'the apology voucher' ... wifework belief is clearly strong on the other side. And apparently such men don't apologize for their own shitty behaviour, either. Pathetic.

[missiondecision]

Your dh needs to manage this. If his style of managing it is to ignore it, so be it.
Your dh is o.o.o to not address the way his “friends” speak to his wife.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think you should gently talk to your DH about his lack of friends/social life. Not to criticize him or such, but to be sure there isn't a MH or other reason behind it. If he insists not or he refuses to discuss, then drop it.

Assuming he doesn't confide any MH or other struggles to mitigate, the godfather 'issues' are up to DH. And that's where I'd put it. I wouldn't offer suggestions or solutions I'd just say "Friend was very disappointed last year in your lack of attention to Child. And I was very upset over his rude phone call. So this year I am leaving it entirely up to you. I am not buying her a gift, nor will I be taking any phone calls from Friend. You decide how you want to proceed with the relationship and I will support you".

It does occur to me to wonder whether or not the difference in your incomes bothers your DH and whether or not this friend has made remarks (even innocently) to him that have made your DH feel inferior as a godfather in some way. Men can be much weirder about that than most women are.

[Dozer]

You were unwise to take on the wifework re DH’s godparent role.

He was asked to be a GP by HIS friend and accepted but then didn’t send gifts or bother to maintain contact with the DC or friends: not your problem.

As PPs say the “friend” behaved like a tosser. If a friend ever spoke to me like your and DH’s male friend spoke to you - or indeed criticised me for doing wifework or told me to try to make DH do something - I would tell them to stop it immediately - or to F off. I would no longer want to be friends with or see him.

That would probably also mean no further contact with his wife or DC. if I was personally good friends with his wife I would seek to maintain contact with her alone.

[Julie8008]

I didn't realize many people did god parents any more. Didn't it used to be that the god parent was appointed to look after your children if both parents died. Certainly never thought it was about presents and would never expect a man to have to buy gifts every year for 18 years.

The 'friend' is a dick just dont ever talk to him again you dont have any connection to him.

[SheGotBetteDavisEyes]

Regardless of your DH's bad behaviour up to this point (really not on expecting you to maintain this relationship for him and fulfill that role), if anyone shouted at me that way DH would no longer be his friend out of principle. How vile

This.

Your DH has relevant MH issues over communication. He chooses to let friendships go. He sounds like an introvert as well. THat's perfectly okay. He hasn't stepped unto the plate as a GP but it happens. It doesn't make him a wrong 'un. I know lots of wonderful, caring people who are rubbish GP.

The 'friends' reaction was appalling. I'd never have anything to do with them again. This isn't an authentic relationship or friendship. Life's too short. The child won't suffer as a result as there's no emotional input, it's just a few pressies less.

Don't feel guilty, OP.