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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and Brother blame me for his drinking

77 replies

AJ65 · 20/11/2017 14:05

It's a long story, but my brother and I have not always got on. This causes my Mum pain, for which I am sorry, but don't know how to heal.

Recently he suggested we go out together in London, where I live, despite him living in the country with my Mum. I assumed we'd go to a matinee and grab a bite to eat before he went back to home in the evening, but he booked a hostel and pre-booked cinema tickets without my knowledge.

I was ill, but hoping to get better in time to go out last Friday. I spoke to our Mum on the Thursday and mentioned I was not well and later that day emailled him with apologies to say I couldn't make it after all.

On Saturday I got an email from my Mum saying he'd just arrived home from London looking sad and was rather drunk (for the first time in 6 months) as I'd cancelled. She'd been out from very early on the Friday so this was the first she'd heard about it.

I thought it over and emailled them both with further apologies early Saturday afternoon and haven't heard anything from either of them since.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a response? I apologised for cancelling, but take no responsibility for his decision to come into London and have a bender. Should I?

OP posts:
Rhodiolia · 20/11/2017 15:52

So we are meant to give advice on a story we don't know about, by mind power or something?

KC225 · 20/11/2017 15:56

I get you might not want to go to the cinema with a hacking cough but could you not have invited him round offered to get a take away. DH could have made himself scarce or made an effort even given your brother was coming a long way.

Perhaps now you are better offer to go to him, make it up to him.

Supermansmartersister · 20/11/2017 16:00

I think the back story is hugely relevant.

I have a sibling that I don't get on with (he has been manipulative and abusive for most of our lives). My DP were never happy that we didn't get along and put a lot of pressure on me to try to build bridges (that actually I was happier were not built). There were several occasions where I would agree to some kind of meeting/conversation and he would try to push it further (eg. agreeing to meet in a public place, only for him to turn up on my doorstep expecting to stay the night). I always got emotional blackmail if I would't do what he had planned (even if I had not agreed to it) and he inevitably used it as an excuse to drink (he had an alcohol problem).

I can see that the OP may be in a similar situation. It sounds like her DB arrange a longer event that she had agreed and did get her cancellation message before he set off. Perhaps it would have been better to cancel by phone but what would it actually change? She is still not responsible for the fact that he arranged something she didn't know about or his decision to get drunk.

So whether or not cancelling and not, for example, inviting him over to see her instead etc was unreasonable I think depends entirely on the back story. As does whether this was a DB trying to do something nice as a surprise for her or trying to manipulate her in to doing something she didn't want to do.

But maybe my experience colours my view

diddl · 20/11/2017 16:05

Well yes, you'd think that if they got on, Op would have wanted to meet up somehow.

She didn't know that anything was booked & that he would still go to London.

So yes it could be that he did what he wanted & Op not being there didn't make a difference, or that Op would have felt coerced into it or that what he'd planned was really thoughtful & Op would have really enjoyed it!

StormTreader · 20/11/2017 16:07

For all we know, the backstory could be "I always bail last minute and let him down, and I'm annoyed that this time I'm being told off for doing it".

kaytee87 · 20/11/2017 16:11

Biggest flounce I’ve seen in a while.

Op if you were feeling really poorly you should have phoned him so yabu.

If you can’t be bothered to explain the backstory then you can’t expect a bunch of judgemental strangers to understand now can you.

Original poster
AJ65 · 20/11/2017 16:24

Thanks Supermansmartersister - yes, it does sound like we have similar situations as regards our siblings. Mine has alcohol issues and is probably bi-polar but that can only be discussed if he has a particularly bad episode.

I probably should have called, but I'm not sure what difference it would have made to the outcome. He's used me as an excuse to get drunk before, like the Christmas when we met at the station to catch the train down to my Mum's together (he was living in London at the time) and he got so furious that I suggested we 'get a coffee' when he'd quit caffeine that he went to the station pub and downed a few before we got on the train and drank a 4 pack of strong lager on the hour and a half trip. That was a fun Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 20/11/2017 16:27

Stormtreader - no that isn't the back story, but thanks for your concern.

Actually I've invited him to family events at my house over the years, and although he lived a mile away in London for 11 years he never once invited me to meet for so much as a coffee or a walk.

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 20/11/2017 16:29

diddl - if we got on in the first place none of this would have happened and I wouldn't have issues communicating with him generally.

He cut off contact with me previously because I responded to an email with a text.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 20/11/2017 16:36

Well that does change things - if he has a mental illness I can see why your mum is so concerned and I can see why cancelling a the last minute could have been more of a problem

TheAntiBoop · 20/11/2017 16:38

Well that does change things - if he has a mental illness I can see why your mum is so concerned and I can see why cancelling a the last minute could have been more of a problem

PiffleandWiffle · 20/11/2017 16:44

so people judge the situation from their own perspective, which is fair enough, but not particularly helpful in this instance.

But if you're going to be all "Secret Squirrel" about these circumstances that are too complicated for people to understand, you're going to get judged from our perspective.

Which is that it was pretty poor effort on your part & that next time you should have the decency to call someone if you're going to cancel.....

Original poster
AJ65 · 20/11/2017 16:53

Part of the problem is that I can't address any mental isues he may or may not have as we can only discuss them while he's actually having a breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 20/11/2017 16:57

Thanks ZombieVampireHedgehog - I am okay, but troubled and sad.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/11/2017 17:02

"diddl - if we got on in the first place none of this would have happened "

I was thinking along those lines which is why I had put "you'd think that if they got on, Op would have wanted to meet up somehow."

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 20/11/2017 17:13

I think you are being unreasonable in cancelling the day before. I would have soldiered on for a one day visit when he has made arrangements to travel.

HartlandRoad · 20/11/2017 17:18

You behaved poorly but you are not responsible for his drinking

Jux · 20/11/2017 18:54

Oh for heaven’s sake! He lives with your mum, your mum knew you were unwell.it is not ur in any way to assume that your mum would mention it to him. You emailed him with plenty of notice.

Why earth would you have to do more?

He decided that he’d come down to town anyway. So he did.

He’s a grown up. You are not responsible for what he chooses to do. My bro’s an alcoholic (apparety ‘functioning’); he lives with us and there’s nothing I can do.

What on earth makes you think they’re blaming you?

MatildaTheCat · 20/11/2017 19:25

He has probable mental health issues and problems making arrangements. So making this date with you was a very big deal for him. You mother will have been really pleased to see him doing this.

So when you cancelled and he then went off and got drunk of course your do was sad and disappointed. She can’t blame him so she’s blamed you. Sorry but suck it up. Next time try to make it more bullet proof. People with his issues really have difficulty with rejection and change.

bibliomania · 21/11/2017 09:22

You're not to blame for his drinking, no. He makes his own choices.

But it's not a simple as he's wrong, so you have to be right. He may be really difficult. It doesn't stop your last minute cancellation by email being a mean thing to do. You're responsible for what you did just as he is responsible for what he did.

Original poster
AJ65 · 21/11/2017 15:34

bibliomania - my actual birthday was 2 months ago and I spent it with family and friends at a local pub. He emailled on the day to say he'd like to take me to a movie sometime and it's taken until now for him to decide on one.

I came on here because I genuinely couldn't decide whether I was being unreasonable to cancel because I was ill and not feel it was my responsibility that he then went and got drunk.

OP posts:
PavlovianLunge · 21/11/2017 16:14

OP, you seemed very tense and defensive earlier in the thread, less so now - that’s an observation, not a criticism. But it makes me think there could be some benefit to you in posting on the relationships board; there isn’t the cut and thrust of AIBU, and from what you say, you could benefit from offloading about the situation, and you might get some good advice into the bargain.

bibliomania · 21/11/2017 16:20

Nope, that doesn't make it any better. And yes, YWBU with regard to how you behaved but they are also BU if they're blaming you for his drinking.

niccyb · 21/11/2017 18:25

i wouldn’t dream of emailing any of my family. I didn’t know people did this. I have always called or texted my family even cousins who are a 2 hour drive away.

Original poster
AJ65 · 22/11/2017 14:00

niccyb - well, good for you.

OP posts: