Mum and Brother blame me for his drinking

[AJ65]

It's a long story, but my brother and I have not always got on. This causes my Mum pain, for which I am sorry, but don't know how to heal.

Recently he suggested we go out together in London, where I live, despite him living in the country with my Mum. I assumed we'd go to a matinee and grab a bite to eat before he went back to home in the evening, but he booked a hostel and pre-booked cinema tickets without my knowledge.

I was ill, but hoping to get better in time to go out last Friday. I spoke to our Mum on the Thursday and mentioned I was not well and later that day emailled him with apologies to say I couldn't make it after all.

On Saturday I got an email from my Mum saying he'd just arrived home from London looking sad and was rather drunk (for the first time in 6 months) as I'd cancelled. She'd been out from very early on the Friday so this was the first she'd heard about it.

I thought it over and emailled them both with further apologies early Saturday afternoon and haven't heard anything from either of them since.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a response? I apologised for cancelling, but take no responsibility for his decision to come into London and have a bender. Should I?

Youve spent the whole thread defending your poor behaviour instead of seeing what everyone has written and simply holding your hands up and saying yabu and you will call him tonight to fix it

Sorry, but you sound completely in the wrong here. I would be furious if someone had cancelled an event the day before, by email, and didn't have the manners (or guts) to let me know in person or at least via a phone call.

You know what, he could have called me to make the arrangments for what was supposed to be a 'birthday treat' for me!

I'm kind of with the OP on this one. if the standard procedure in this family is to make and confirm arrangements by email, then I don't see why cancelling by email is a problem.

I think people are being a bit harsh here!

Sounds like he was going to do what he wanted to do and was using visiting you as an excuse.

I think its a combination of your guys' history which probably makes you uncomfortable around him, and having a bad cough which can make you feel pretty rough. I would probably have cancelled too in this scenario tbh.

If they don't believe you were ill, that's their problem.

If he was so sad he got pissed alone, that's his problem.

Did you want him to come to you for your bday?

I also agree with ArcheryAnnie

I don’t know but if I’d paid money and made arrangements to travel to another city to see a friend/relative and they cancelled the evening before I’d be a bit pissed even if it was because they were unwell

YANBU.

If this is genuinely how you contact other regularly then YANBU. Email is just the same as text.

No one made him go and get pissed causinging him to have hangover depression or anxiety. You were ill, you told him in enough time.

I think its hte late notice that has caused the issue., Clearly the DBro is trying to make arrngements to see his Dsis and he's been rebuffed. Ok so the OP didnt know Dbro had booked a hotel and tickets, so she cant be held to account for that . I suppose DBro had no option but to use them or lose the money, and any town is pretty lonely if you're alone. Probably had a couple in the hotel bar.

Nothing however in the OP leads me to think she was 'blamed' for Dbro getting drunk, it sounds like DMum wrote a fact I got an email from my Mum saying he'd just arrived home from London looking sad and was rather drunk ... as I'd cancelled

I feel quite sorry for DBro actually, but I suppose there will be a massive back story

Cancelling by email is shitty and cowardly, regardless if that's how you usually communicate!

I agree with previous posters - you are trying to garner sympathy here, despite being very obviously in the wrong.

Your brother deserves a massive apology from you.

You obviously have a lot of history here but from what you've said it doesn't sound one sided

The test for me would be whether you offered a sincere and profuse apology by phone for having to cancel. This should have been followed by indicating a desire to re-book and an offer to pay for the treats next time round. As you do not seem to feel guilty about cancelling and have not lept in and offered a new date and to foot the bill I think YABVVU

The general message here seems to be that I'm a cow for not phoning him to apologise.

Thanks all - it's been an education in why not to ask a bunch of judgemental strangers for input when they don't know or care about (and, really why should you?) the complicated backstory.

/flounce

If you ask a question in isolation what do you expect?

And no one is being judgemental - they're giving an opinion based on limited facts

TheAntiBoop exactly, no-one here knows the full backstory and it would take pages to explain, which no-one is going to read, so people judge the situation from their own perspective, which is fair enough, but not particularly helpful in this instance.

But you’re asking for people to give an opinion based on the information you provided. Nobody here knows your backstory. On the surface from what you’ve told us most people would say you could have handled his situation better

"it's been an education in why not to ask a bunch of judgemental strangers for input"

ie "I didnt get the validation and sympathy I wanted."

Had he booked train tickets to come to London? If so, you were out of order not ringing him.

Recently I'd booked train tickets, paid for a jazz club thing, and arranged somewhere to stay for me and my girlfriend. She really wasn't well to be honest, but she struggled on because she didn't want to let me down. I was so grateful to her because we would've lost over £100 if she couldn't have come with me. I looked after her lots because she didn't feel up to it.

Yet you just sent an email the night before. Your poor brother

People give responses based on the information you give. You haven´t told us the huge backstory so how can we take in into consideration in responding...

You can't be blamed for his actions, but maybe you could reach out and find a way to rebuild your relationship. If you want to that is.

Everyone has this ideal view of how family life would be. It's not always that simple, but I understand as a parent how I'd feel if DC weren't to talk, although it would depend on the reasons why of course.

I'd imagine the lack of reply is her helping your brother and supporting him, although you should also be a priority, it depends how bad your brother is.

Hope you're ok OP

Regardless of back story you've still behaved poorly

I think you should have met him even if you did have a bit of a cough, even just for a quiet drink or a bite, it's not your fault he got drunk though.

I’m not sure the back story is particularly relevant here.

We have one sibling who is going out of their way to build bridges and another who basically knocked that bridge down by not showing a little bit of decency.

Yabu - you should of rung.