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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Urgent- Misconduct

82 replies

Panickcrosse · 20/11/2017 10:25

Last Friday I took time off work, advising them that my DD(8) was unwell. She often suffers from this illness so work are used to me needing time to organise childcare when it crops up. The truth is I had the day off because I'm suffering from anxiety and depression after a traumatic event I'm not ready to tell anyone about. I'm so anxious work will see through my lies though. I'm due to start in 10 minuites and worried they will request to see my DD health records to prove I did need time off to get her seen by GP. Could they do this? (Please don't lecture me on using DD health issue or about lying, I know how wrong this was. That's why I'm so worried and upset).

OP posts:

CelebrationSizedBounty · 20/11/2017 11:10

My love, if you are honest with the GP and your managers about the extent of your anxiety they will support you to access help. Employers have a legal duty of care to support employees who are physically or mentally unwell. You just need to tell them.

You don't need to lie. Go and see your GP today.

And no, they can't ask for your DD's medical records.

Original poster

Panickcrosse · 20/11/2017 11:11

I will get GP appointment tomorrow. (You have to call at 9 to get appointment and the receptionist will not deviate from that at all. I really can't face an argument today).

OP posts:

Clandestino · 20/11/2017 11:13

You need to go and see your GP today. Honestly. The "not-caring" state is the worst because you've gone beyond anxiety to a state which can be extremely dangerous. Don't shut yourself in. Don't shut down. Reboot.

MrsPepperpot79 · 20/11/2017 11:13

You ARE unwell - anxiety and depression are illness! Seriously, you do need to talk to someone - and anything you discuss to a professional (at GP or refuge or wherever) will be completely confidential - it will go no further. Eventually you will need to tell work that you have A &/orD but don't need to say why, just to have a doc's note which will be extremely vague as they can't say anything. And work will just want to know it isn't work related so that they aren't likely to find out you're taking them to tribunal. But that's for later. Just talk to someone in the knowledge it will definitely go no further.

TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 11:14

If you are honest with them about the domestic incident, your anxiety and depression they will likely help you. Continued lying will cause bigger problems.

Ameliablue · 20/11/2017 11:15

It sounds as if work is the least of your worries right now, you need help for what's really going on. Do you think you could phone an anonymous help line?

phoebemac · 20/11/2017 11:17

Panickcrosse

You are unwell, notsquirrels advice was spot on. They won't ask for evidence anout you daughter being ill, that's your anxiety talking as others have said. Go and see your GP and take good care of yourself.

FreshStartToday · 20/11/2017 11:17

OK, deep breath. You are not well and need to see your GP. You have today and tomorrow to get yourself some time and support from your GP.

When you have had time to breathe, you can then go in for your disciplinary and explain that you have been managing your dds health condition and your own anxiety and have not been getting the help you needed. You are aware that this has affected your attendance at work but you can present it as a positive to say that you really appreciate the support work have given you. You have now sought help and will be continuing to talk to your GP to ensure that you are able to manage things better in future and give 100% to work.

NoSquirrels · 20/11/2017 11:19

Sweetheart, as soon as you have a GP note for absence it will be easier to deal with work. Don't worry about the disciplinary for now.

Lots of frequent, short absences of one or two days at a time are a trigger for employers. So that ironically it can be much better to stay off for your full 5 days at a time, than to struggle back when not better/still anxious etc.

The "disciplinary" should - with any good employer - give you an opportunity to address any issues they can make better for you to support you if you have a medical need (anxiety & mental health issues count). It's not just a telling-off.

But all that is for another day.

Go to the GP tomorrow.

Today, consider calling Samaritans or Women's Aid, just to talk to someone in complete confidence. Get things off your chest. Please.

EmilyChambers79 · 20/11/2017 11:21

You are ill. You are not pretending.

Please get into the Dr's. Please talk to them. Don't shut down and keep talking.

Very good advice about calling Woman's Aid.

Keep you and your daughter safe.

Original poster

Panickcrosse · 20/11/2017 11:22

Thank you everyone. I feel like I can breathe a bit easier now, if that makes sense? I will think about calling Women's Aid. As long it's definatley annoymous and they won't push things before I'm ready?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 20/11/2017 11:24

Please call Women's Aid. You need a listening ear. They know how to support, and they understand your concerns about anonymity. They are committed to the safety of the people they support - they won't force you to do anything, they understand that is not helpful to people in lots of situations.

Twickerhun · 20/11/2017 11:31

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/11/2017 11:40

OP, can you discuss this with your gp?

I would suggest signing off on longterm sick (just need to send them updates sick notes).
It means you won't have to face any disciplinary action until you go back.
Check your contract to see the terms of pay for sick leave, i.e is it X months full pay/half pay or will you only be entitled to statutory sick pay?
This means you will still have money coming in each month and can use this time to deal with the husband situation.

If you have zero income coming in then it will make things much more difficult for you.

Original poster

Panickcrosse · 20/11/2017 11:45

If I discussed an incident with GP would they/ could they then report it to police without my permission

WA seem to be not answering

OP posts:

NeverNic · 20/11/2017 11:47

Some lovely advice here. Just to say I've triggered an absence alert for work before. It was not a disciplinary as you imagine it to be, more that my absence indicated to my line manager that I might need support to attend work regularly. I was referred by him to the company's Occupational Therapist to find ways of making things easier for me at work. Most good employers want to minimise long term absence by being supportive. It is not in their best interest to try to fire long term employees. As part of my OT assessment, my manager was advised that I would benefit from working from home when I was unable to come in to the office and they recommended that as part of my regular weekly hours I should take one day from home a week, regardless.

I've also been in places of work before, which as standard did a 'fit to work assessment' after illness (because I worked with food). It was a formality, that they just ticked off. Nothing to be concerned by.

I hope you are getting the support you need OP, or at least finding the support here is giving you the strength to reach out. Much love xx

SweetMummy911 · 20/11/2017 11:49

Would speaking to your GP and getting some time off to deal with your anxiety help the situation? You obviously need to look after yourself and you are not in a position to go into work and face you colleagues - if you spoke to your GP about the situation s/he might be able to write a sick note which will explain to your employer what has been happening.

From my experience you don't need to show medical records unless you've been absent from work for more than 7 days so I wouldn't worry about showing proof but obviously you are not well and left untreated it will only get worse. Go and get help - nobody will judge you hugs

NoSquirrels · 20/11/2017 11:50

Keep trying Women's Aid, OP. They do get busy but please keep trying.

I'm not sure what duty of care the GP has. Perhaps a more knowledgeable poster will come along to answer that. I can tell you though that no one would put you in a position of danger.

DeadDeadDeadRose · 20/11/2017 11:54

Anxiety and depression ARE illnesses. Please see your GP.

Pearlsaringer · 20/11/2017 12:00

Op does your surgery have a system whereby your doctor could speak to you on the phone? If so you might be able to get that today, and then make a face to face appointment tomorrow. Good luck.

NeverNic · 20/11/2017 12:01

OP - they can contact the police if they think you or your children might be in immediate danger, or if they think there is a safeguarding issue. However they will also weigh that up against any risk to yourselves by reporting it and your safety is the most important thing. They have a duty of care to you.

GP's can be very helpful in documenting any evidence - physical injuries, reports about how you are feeling, etc. which may help in the future should you feel later on that you are ready to go the police. They will also be amazingly helpful at signposting other types of support that you might need.

Keep trying the WA line. The reason they're not answering is because they are speaking to other women like you right now, and they will answer as soon as they can. You're not alone. x

Twillow · 20/11/2017 12:12

I've been in the position of having time off for "incidents" and not being able to tell anyone - eventually, it spilled out and they were so supportive. Your work is suffering because of whatever you're going through, that's what they are concerned about but try to find someone there you can confide it and although it feels shameful (I understand believe me...) you may well be surprised at the response. If they tried to dismiss you for what I suspect are the genuine reasons behind your stress they will be in trouble with unions etc. Is there a local DA support service?

Herbcake · 20/11/2017 12:17

The way to avoid losing your job is to tell them you are having mental health problems. Get a letter from the GP.

If they don't know, then they're just going to treat you like a bad employee who takes too much time off etc.

QuizteamBleakley · 20/11/2017 12:17

Hi @Panick. My company has an attendance policy that sounds like yours. If one of my team goes over the number of days or instances, the 1st stage of the policy is 'triggered'. I know that can sound quite intimidating so let me explain. It's a really informal meeting but I understand it can be nerve racking so I always tell whoever I see that they can have a rep or someone with them. I explain the 'triggers' and then chat about the illness/es or absence. We talk through the business needs too and I usually ask if there is anything that I, the company, or people like occy health can do.

The people who're always sick on a Friday night shift but who've plastered pics of them clubbing get a slightly different approach!

Genuinely, my role is to support the team while minimising absence, where possible. Even if someone has a terrible attendance record, I would not be getting rid of them until a number of stages have been gone through. It costs a lot of money for a business to advertise, recruit and train you; whatever you may feel about your recent work, you are a valuable asset to them - I'm sure they will want to help. Knowing even some of what you're dealing with will help them to help you.

I hope you're feeling less anxious soon.

Woollycardi · 20/11/2017 12:21

Can you ring the Samaritans just to talk it through? I am reading a lot of anxiety about being reported coming through your posts and I really feel like you need a 'safe' space to talk to someone. Perhaps start by voicing how important it is to you that what you disclose won't be passed on. Your work can't access any info about your daughter, they don't need to know any details about how you feel or think now, all of this is private information. I wish I could sit with you now and chat, am sending a virtual hand hold. Just breathe OP, you're not pretending, your anxiety is at the driving seat right now and anxiety convinces us of all sorts of untruths. Take care of yourself.

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