Dad in tears about Christmas

[SingleKrisKringle]

My dad has been so upset tonight about Christmas and he's not a man who cries!

Basically he dotes on my nephew/his gs but my sister has announced that she would like all family gifts delivered prior to Christmas Eve as all presents are to be from Father Christmas/Santa not getting into that debate

I can't get too worked up about it. She wants him to believe, says we can say relatives told Santa to buy the presents they bought and still hand over a little gift from us, she thinks this will stop people going overboard and I think that will most definitely be a result as most people want to 'see their face' when they open gifts.

However I also totally understand my dads side too. He's concerned my nephew (3) will wonder why his family aren't buying for him and will see other people exchange gifts. I guess this year it won't be a problem but if she wants to keep doing it this way in future I can see that maybe becoming an issue. Also gratitude I suppose, if he thinks someone else is giving the gifts he won't be thanking anyone. Again, probably not so much an issue this year.

So... AIBU to be on the fence? My head is telling me keep quiet it's her decision, I don't want things to be strained for Christmas. I love my sister dearly but she can be ver stubborn. On the other hand my dad being so sad did break my heart a little bit.

Any suggestions for compromise or reasons one way is better than the other will maybe help me get the splinters out....

RTFT

Last year OP and dad gave multiple sackloads of gifts to her sisters 2yr old. This isn’t about handing over one gift, this is about swamping him with gifts.

Her house will be overflowing with shite and the kid will have so much he won't know what to do with it all/ ignore 90% of it/ turn into Dudley bloody Dursley if you all carry on like that.

Sis is being unreasonable demanding how you all give dn gifts, but sounds like you're all being U buying him so very much.

$ kids any many years down the line - experience has taught me less = more. Really. My dc get relatively few presents. They enjoy opening them, generally appreciate what the do get. dn & dn get TONS, so much so, they even get bored of opening them, the present giving is spread over a few days, and they generally don't care about most of what they get.

Even with relatively few presents, my house is over-full with crap.

Get him one thing and give it to him yourselves.

Or dutifully give diss the present as requested in advance, then turn up on Christmas day with a sackful of crap anyway.

I'd have a word with her, maybe she doesn't realise how upset your dad is about it?

When our children were little my MIL and FIL gave us money to buy them a present from 'Father Christmas' and a little present for under their tree to give to them. With my mum and stepdad, they gave them a big present from them a little presents from 'Father Christmas'. However that is because that is how FIL and MIL and my mum and stepdad wanted to do things, the way I saw it was that its up to them as they are the ones who are giving the gifts.

If she's worried about the children questioning if Father Christmas exists if he doesn't give all the presents, it can be worked around so that they do still believe in Father Christmas even though they get larger presents from other family members (I've actually found that until they are older they really don't bother psycho-analysing the way they get their presents anyway)

Deeppiletinsel

It won't! It's a healthy thing for children to start naturally questioning things. If the magic of the Christmas season is dependant on a child believing in Santa then you're doing it wrong.

OK - then I'm doing it wrong in your eyes but I have happy children who have a firm and loyal grasp on the reason we celebrate Christmas as Christians, who love the time as a family and with extended family but who are a delight to behold in their perception of the magic of Father Christmas who brings just one gift chosen for them especially.

If that's wrong, then I'm happy to be wrong

@DrussIsTheLegend this isn't really about believing in Santa though it's about a family who go way too far and overwhelm the child and the mother is trying to find an excuse to stop them.

My sister was in a similar position with her in laws and she managed to control the excess by going abroad skiing for Christmas so just didn't see the in-laws around Christmas at all and yes my bil fully supported the decision

If your dad wants to spend money maybe he could buy a couple of gifts and put the rest in a savings account for the toddler? Hargreaves and lansdowne do junior ISAs and share portfolios etc. Not exciting or magical but will certainly be appreciated by the child when he's older - and your sister won't be swamped with mountains of plastic!

But if you hadn't gone so really OTT last year, then her asking to buy one present wouldn't see such a big deal.

She has come down really hard, but I'm wondering if she thinks compromise is pointless.

Why does handing over too many presents mean so much?

Does he not seem him often or get the chance to go to places with him?

This is why I really hate this Santa/Father Christmas/Little Baby Jesus whatever else lie.

So many presents takes over the whole day - it can take hours to open them and stops people getting on doing all the other lovely stuff that happens on Xmas day.
Xmas really isn't just about watching kids open presents.

Totally get wanting to rein in spending. But. How will a 3 year old understand that this present is from GDad via Santa.
We have this stupid Santa/UPS bollocks where I live - dh’s part of the world and now mine.
I knocked that bollocks on the head as soon as my dmil started to wheel it out.
Presents from people who know you love you and care for you. And a present or two from Santa for fun. And we buy a token present for them because we know them, love them and care about them.
Santa gets a carrot and a mince pie.

She is being very unreasonable, I could never tell any of my family to do that!! I would say that one main present is from Santa but the rest are from mum and dad, and family bring gifts on christmas day, I would not expect all the presents to be from santa, that means that her children will never thank their grandparents and other family for gifts which I think's just rude. She can't dictate how other people give their gifts! I think part of christmas is to watch the kids open their presents and see the look on their face. Just do not comply with what she is asking :)

In our house, presents have always ALL come from Santa (cultural reasons, that’s how things are done in my original country).

We’ve always had the ‘Santa sometimes brings things at different places because he knew you would be going there/we can’t carry everything in a suitcase’
Never ever been an issue.

And yes grandparents haven’t always seen the dcs opening their presents. But then so have they with my SIL who was doing the ‘big presents are from Santa and small ones from xxxx’ because we had been exchanging gifts a week befire Christmas.

I think your dad is bit over the top (sorry) and that your SIL can make it work better for everyone quite easily too...

Personally I think both are being rather unreasonable.

You should not dictate how someone gives a gift but also gift giving should be done for the recipient to enjoy the gift not for the thanks/gratitude/kudos giving the gift gives the giver.

This seems to me like something really silly for anyone to be getting so upset about

But your Dad clearly feels strongly and so instead of causing an issue why does he not give him an experience with his Granddad from Santa - e.g. Under the tree Santa has left him an envelope with tickets for a trip to the zoo with Granddad or something like a fishing rod (or whatever your Dad really likes doing) that Granddad will teach him to use- then your Dad can really get to see him enjoy his present and I am sure he will remember it for far far longer.

I actually did something similar last year.

My mother was buying hundreds of presents for my DC (think amazon prime delivered daily to our house in the weeks before Christmas). It was much much more than we were planning to buy from 'santa.' I couldn't bare to buy our planned presents on top of this and completely overwhelm our DC.

So I asked that she keep back one or two to come from 'her' and the rest we would wrap to come from Santa. I then cut back on what we bought so the DC got a manageable number of gifts.

It was nothing to do with being tight over buying our own Christmas presents - we are very fortunate and money is not an issue. I just couldn't cope with the mountain of stuff.

It worked. For birthdays this year she has bought one gift only for each DC.

Everyone has their own personal Christmas and we all have a different picture of what the perfect Christmas means. I really don't think some general consensus of opinion on Mumset makes the OP's sister wrong.

He needs to understand that now your sister has her own family she wants to do Christmas her way - just as I'm sure he did Christmas ''his' way during yours and your sisters childhoods. There is no right or wrong answer here but I think he needs to back off and let his daughter give her son the Christmas she thinks is best. When you and your sister were growing up I'm sure he gave you and your sister the best Christmas he could - he just needs to realise that his picture (and perhaps yours) of Christmas and your sister's picture of Christmas is a very different one.

Every poster on here does their own thing too - would anyone here want someone else telling them how they should do Christmas? At the end of the day - it's her house, her son and her bloody Christmas!

ErnesttheBavarian, if you find that your house is overflowing with junk I'm thinking why not request specific things for your kids? You could say it's clothes you want and if one person buys your kid just one coat they could buy the warmest, cosiest coat around? Not just a cheap Primark one. Same for clothes so there are few presents but they are all quality. You know your kids better than anyone so if there's a specific toy you know they'd like you can buy them that.

notangelinajolie, this is a very good point. I hadn't thought of that to be honest and you're right. This is her idea of how Christmas should be and it's not for others to try to alter that.

You haven’t mentioned your Mum in all this OP, is she no longer with you? Perhaps your Dad is overcompensating for her absence with the gift buying, plus it’s bound to make Christmas a bitter sweet time and bring emotions close to the surface if there are suggestions to change how things were done when you were kids. Sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick.

I think your SIL is being very unreasonable, and you should definitely pull her up on it. Family members love having the opportunity to give children presents and watch them unwrap them (and play with the paper and the box when they’re the age of 3).

We had a variation of this, but not all presents.
There would be presents from named people, so parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, then there would be the "odd" present for each of us from Father Christmas or Mother Christmas or Miss Christmas.

I do get why Dad would be upset. Say he can't afford multiple presents and wants the GC to be aware Grandad got me this.

Everyone's got different ideals, but we quickly sussed that a living room full of presents equates to a bored DC. Stick to the list, not random stuff that will never be used.

By visiting relatives and having more to open breaks it all up a bit too.

Beats a conveyor belt of 'next' and DC being either overwhelmed or bored.

Doesn't it make sense to break it up?

Doesn't it make sense that Grandad got me this.

Has anyone seen a Fairy, yet Fairy doors are rather popular! Why not the same with Santa?

Unless i couldnt be there i wouldnt be buying a present for a child if i couldnt see them open it! Whats the point? You do it to see the excitement of them ripping open the paper and thanking you for it! Why should santa get all the credit

My bil and sil used to do the whole 'every present is from santa' thing. But forgot to tell me because apparently EVERYONE does it. I turned up with the kids presents one Christmas , they were 10 and 8. And announced I came bearing gifts, where are the girls! To which sil said very loudly, shhhhh they are supposed to all be from santa, they still believe you know.
Kids were standing in the door way.
Now they don't! Of course I got the blame for not knowing the gift I was giving wasn't actually from me. What a load of tripe.

My grandmother solved that by putting down santa gifts, even when we were all adults! There was always one (1) gift from Santa to each, which could be a compromise for your dad and sister? The rest were gifts for each other. Meant she gave out 2 gifts or more but she loved Christmas. Your sister could put a price cap or give a very short wishlist. Works for us when I get ask, will say what dc need and what interests them to give gps ideas