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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find M&T excruciating.

81 replies

lucyellensmum · 17/04/2007 15:44

Is it just me of are mother and toddler groups full of middle class competitive mothers? I take my little girl because she loves it but pleeeeeaaaaaaaaase spare me from the small talk. Yeah yeah im probably jealous cos i dont fit in.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 17/04/2007 15:46

Some can be like this but others can be full of lovely people. i think small talk is the name of the game though. If you want to talk about politics etc I think you need the dinner party circuit

FioFio · 17/04/2007 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

suzywong · 17/04/2007 15:51

yes but are you poly/kink aware?

squeakybub · 17/04/2007 15:56

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Original poster
lucyellensmum · 17/04/2007 16:23

why brave? I am a working class professiona,l with a brain, who definately does not want to talk politics. Unless,of course, we are talking about the politics of the mother and toddler group, which in my observation, is rife.

I'm with squeakybub - we are martyrs to our dcs and seserve a medal

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 17/04/2007 16:24

I used to take a book, or knitting, or just grab a coffee and hope everyone would just ferk the hell off

I found it easier going when I went to a couple of groups with friends, then you at least had some people to talk to. Also, try to find huuuuuuuuge groups, it gets so hectic that there's no time to talk, and any cliques are hard to maintain due to the absolute mayhem

Agnes

PinkTulips · 17/04/2007 16:28

i'm lucky to have foundone with lots of lovely normal women but a new woman has just joined and her favourite question to ask everyone? ............

yes you've guessed it.... 'what does your husband do?'

little cow started to give me advice on jobseeking and careers when i said my dp had beeen laid off his last job and was still unemployed... all the while shoveling jarred food into her lo. at least i feed my kids properly while i'm sitting at home with them!

she also doesn't want to come swimming with us as she can't manage her 2 kids at the pool and only ever brings 1 to M &T

scrapper · 17/04/2007 18:19

Here's my guilty secret....I've NEVER been to one.
The thought of it brings me out in hives.

I'm a bad mother.

EmmyLou · 17/04/2007 18:45

I didn't go to any with DD1 - she had nursery a couple of days a week as I was still working p/t then. Went to village one rather reluctantly with DD2 - got to make lots of acquaintances, but no real friendships at that point.

With DD3 have ended up running our village's M&T (along with a village stalwart whose been there for 8 years)when no one else would come forward. At that point I was a little concerned as I had found it hard to get talking in a relaxed way to anyone - getting beyond the small talk is so hard - but love it now. Pissed up nights out really help break the ice...When ever I go out DD3 always wants a list of whose Mums I'm out with. She's rather non-plussed if it's just DH.

They can be cliquey - so stage a coup and take over.

EmmyLou · 17/04/2007 18:49

Someone once told me that they used 'nanny integration' as a good pointer for M&T. If everyone chatted to everyone else and you couldn't tell who the nannies were then that was a good sign. Must add that this is all strictly up north and the thought of hanging out with a load of city type yummy mummies would be enough to make me gag on my latte...

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 17/04/2007 18:52

it seems you have to be over 60 to run the M&T around here so im not quite ready for that yet. I just find the whole thing a bit shite to be honest, cliquey and boring. But i will soldier on as my dd needs the contact with other children. I'm thinking of having a preprepared conversation ready for each group/week and i bet i can get it playing on a loop, "how was your weekend?" "have you been out without your children lately" "what home improvements are you having" "where are you going on holiday?" hmmmmmm, at least i would have an advantage as a hair dresser now.

OP posts:
chirpygirl · 17/04/2007 18:53

I found the first one I went to horrible, was asked to stop BFing my 3 month old in front of toddlers and no-one spoke to me.

I now help run a lovely, lovely group with lots of friends, I would keep searching until you find a nice one. The one I go to is 3 miles from my house, and the nasty one is 3 minutes, but I know which one I prefer....

madmarchhare · 17/04/2007 18:54

In answer to OP, no, they are all gutter snipes at the one I used to go to. Used to take a book at hope to god that no one would talk to me. I think they thought I was up myself anyway (which I am certainly not).

scrapper · 17/04/2007 19:18

Chirpygirl - I'm shocked! Not allowed to bf?????

Around here, all the mum's are 4x4 driving, tweed wearing, I-support-hunting types...and there's me in my Dot Cotton rejects...

chirpygirl · 17/04/2007 19:48

Oh no, scrapper, I was allowed to BF, I was just asked not to do it in the room as the toddlers were all running up and asking me what I was doing...and I had the nerve to tell them!

I was expected to leave and feed in the hallway or the loos, so I went home instead

I think you do have to search for a decent one, I went to about 5 or 6 before I found one I like and I know look forward to it so I would bin the one you are going to and find another if you can!

chirpygirl · 17/04/2007 19:48

now, not know...fgs

PinkTulips · 17/04/2007 19:53

chirpy girl, that's appalling.

at my group i'm one of several women all feeding older babies and we all plan on going til a year or over.

i don't think the toddlers even notice and someone brought an older son of 13 to help with a new baby one week and he didn't bat an eyelid at all the bf-ing moms.

last group i went to i had one woman say to me 'i could have breastfed but i didn't want to you see' completely out of the blue while giving my poor 2 month old ds a dirty look while he was feeding ....... NUTTER! i wasn't even talking to her, or about bfing

MintChocChippyMinton · 17/04/2007 19:55

I was never brave enough to go to one. Obviously didn't miss much.

chirpygirl · 17/04/2007 20:02

They were all skanks anyway

The group I go to now is a mixed bf and ff, and TBH I couldn't tell you what half of them did as we didn't really talk about it unless someone had a problem and asked a question, which is as it should be!

mumtogusnalbie · 17/04/2007 20:02

I made the mistake of going to a local one when I moved villages - ended up leaving and saying to DS1 (who was about 20 mths at the time) "what a load of stuck up moos!!"
Didn't think too much of it until we got home and daddy asked if he had had a nice time, his reply was "no they were all stuck up moos weren' they mummy"!!!
Ooops

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 18/04/2007 13:14

not been to M&T today - woohoooo i'm such a bad mother, bunking off but i really couldnt bring myself to go.

OP posts:
Washersaurus · 18/04/2007 13:28

I stopped going to M&T last year as DS goes to nursery a day and a half each week now anyway. I only went if my friend was going with her DD as it was so scary

There was a clear divide in the hall of bf mums on one side of the room and bottle feeding mums on the other (some of whom would glare at those who bf).

Washersaurus · 18/04/2007 13:29

lucyellensmum - you have made the break now, you can move on and never look back if you choose

LadyMacbeth · 18/04/2007 13:31

I'm the Secretary of ours (tosses hair with pride and flicks lint off shoulder in a nonchalant manner).

EmmyLou · 18/04/2007 13:31

If you don't like it - don't go and definitely don't feel guilty about it!