To still be pissed off at the male privilege here?

[buckeejit]

So we’re away for a long weekend at pil after several months of illness for me & stressful work done to the house, (I arranged & chased all the builders/tradespeople etc).

There was a big party in a nice spa hotel on Fri & weeks ago I booked a massage for 3.30 as part of the deal which was paid for by my pil. Lovely. I was so looking forward to the treatment as had reached the end of my tether with everything going on. Told dh the details & that it was just a half hour massage & was that time ok. He said yes fine. Dh was to go clay pigeon shooting but didn’t bother checking times until we arrived at hotel. Lo & behold it was 2pm-3.30pm. Cue slight sad face & ‘I just won’t go’. I said no do go but just be back at the spa area by 3.30 & I’ll have dc ready for swimming.

I knew from experience if he hadn’t gone I would have heard several ‘what a shame dh couldn’t go shooting’ throughout the day & felt it would be reflected on me to blame-I did try to change the time of my treatment but they were fully booked.

Of course dh wasn’t back on time-messaged 30 mins before to say he didn’t think he would be, I messaged back to say ‘how late will you be? Ring me’ & he then did & asked ‘do you want me to come back now?’ I said well yes I have treatment.... phones back a few minutes later to say he’s actually about 20 mins away-I said fine & hung up. I couldn’t find anyone else to look after 2 dc & had to cancel massage. Am glad I didn’t as although he messaged a while after to say he was there at spa, I was in pool with 2 dc & didn’t see him-he didn’t come on in to help with dc so I didn’t even get to go in the hot tub/sauna/outdoor pool or any of the relaxing things I was looking forward to.

Later in the day I had fil approach me & very nicely tell me I needed to be more organised, whereupon I told him through gritted teeth that I’d booked it weeks ago & it was his son who hadn’t bothered checking details. He was sorry. Next I had mil & couple of other random people say ‘why didn’t you ask me to take dc, I’d have done it’. I don’t know if anyone asked dh why he didn’t try to arrange alternative childcare since it was his responsibility at that time. I could possibly have asked mil when we were in the pool if she’d take them but she’s had her hair done & didn’t want it wet & dc were so excited to be in pool that I’d just have been worried how boisterous they were & wouldn’t have been able to relax.

Anyway, that was Friday & we’ve barely spoken since. He hasn’t apologised. He is usually lovely but is pretty sheepish now, I imagine as he knows I’m seething. I’m awake early again & can’t seem to stop being pissed off about it.

Sorry that ended up way longer that I meant it to-thanks for reading.

Doesn’t sound particularly like male privilege it sounds like you’re an enabler.

Next time agree when he offers to cancel his thing.

How old are your kids?

It's not male privilege - your husband is inconsiderate and selfish - and I'm not surprised you're angry.

The thing that does suggest privilege as opposed to sheer selfishness is his dad getting involved to berate you.

But whether it is or not, it's nasty behaviour.

Him not apologising is poor.

You knew I in advance you and your DH were double booked. You could have asked MIL to look after the DC in advance. They could presumably have swum with you and/or DH after your activities.

You do sound a little bit disorganised.

Nothing to do with male privilege.

I'm no surprised your pissed off.

Is the pool open now? Can you get yourself down for an early morning swim? Get yourself some me time. Rebook that massage if you can. And tell your DH in front of his parents when it is and here are the kids.

You're!!! Not your
Bloody hell autocorrect

There were plenty of family to look after dc!

When clash arose correct response to H would be "I'm sure you'll find someone to help you" and leave him to it.

Your prioritising him and then feeling martyred.

No wonder you are feeling stressed. You are being a martyr to your DH (and his PIL). You need to make time for yourself. Stop seething and ask your DH what he is going to do to make up for you losing your massage yesterday. Also, it sounds like your PIL would have been happy to help out. In the nicest possible way, I think you need to try to relax a bit and let other people take some of the strain. (Speaking from experience here!)

You're!

So when he mentioned the shooting you should have said no, you had a pre booked commitment. Stop enabling it. If you're not happy then say so.

It is male privilege, but only because of female enablement.

As others have said, you could have agreed that he'd need to cancel it, you could have said, "Well I've got my massage and you were having the kids, so if you can find someone else to have them I don't see the problem".

The male privilege existed in your head because you allowed your plans to be superceded by his. It was you who prioritised his activity over your own and it was you who assumed responsibility for the childcare when it was already arranged that he was having them.

Thanks for replies-yes in hindsight I was being a martyr & should just have left dh with the problem. It won’t happen again.

I am of course pissed off with DH, but there want time for me to organise anything else-although people said they would have taken dc after, there wasn’t actually anyone around at the time I needed them-it was a big birthday for mil & her party-she was spending the day with friends & I knew she wouldn’t really want to have them at that time anyway.

The bigger issue isn’t the male privilege but the part I seem to feel most annoyed about is that the comments are all directed to me as the default parent, rather than dh. Also this was after listening to someone tell me all about his son who is a SAHP & how busy & stressful it is as he does all the organising dc, shopping, cooking, admin etc. 🙄

I will organise a little ‘me time’ today to try to calm down & talk to dh about it.

I think I would be seething too, next time he does that though suck up any comments about how it's a shame he has to miss out. That's the only thing that stopped you having your massage.

Recently I've gone back to work and one afternoon dh said he couldn't have the kids as he was doing x,y,z and I said well book some childcare then...... it's not just my job. That's the attitude you get from sorting it out for them all the time, I've learnt my lesson and dh has to book childcare now when we go out or it's my birthday, it's part of being considerate to each other.

Next time resist his sad face and let him cancel. I wouldn't have lost out on my planned and prebooked massage just because he couldn't organise himself. Male privilege is made out of thousands of similar incidents. Next time, break the mould and put yourself first.

So wouldn't it have better for both your enjoyment of the weekend if you'd had your massage and left him to sort out his problem?

He was a fool not to check times - he can't have been that bothered about doing the activity. Surely 'you utter silly billy, maybe you can sort something out with your mother?' would have been a reasonable response, as you exited the door.

If his family are all such enablers of male privilege I suspect MIL would have put herself out for him. You'd just have to held your bemused face and patient, factual explanation of it being his responsibility, when she asked you afterwards why you hadn't been more organised.

Why does him looking a bit sad at his own mess up prompt instant self-sacrifice in you? Why don't you expect the same, or even a reasonable level of thoughtfulness, from him?

When clash arose correct response to H would be "I'm sure you'll find someone to help you" and leave him to it. Your prioritising him and then feeling martyred

This ^^

He was an arse for being late?.... He should have left earlier, got back in time. He has no respect

If you are still there sort this out today. Get your massage re-booked, get some spa time (alone) planned in and tell everyone together that this is what is happening and that DH will be taking the kids. Don't lose out on your activities this weekend - salvage it!
Also you were too soft with your DH and his sad face, you should have agreed he'd left it too late on Friday. If the comments would have been directed at you, deflect them each & everytime it would have been DH's cock up, not yours.

The issue I think is that him and his family expect you to. You should have said sorry no and then when asked simply say it was agreed

Talk to him though

You're still talking about it being your job to arrange childcare. It wasn't.

But, if it was MIL's big event, why wasn't your DH willing to put himself out and look after his own children so that she could focus on her friends?

He needed to take responsibility for his mess up, explain it to people - including why it was so important that you should have your treat - and laugh off his own foolishness. He'd have made himself look lovely (and you'd never have heard the end of that, from his family, of course but, something you could have been proud of at least).

Anyway. Now, can you book anything lovely for today? Or just go for a big swim, sauna etc?

Why don’t you talk and sort detail before rather than after? You can’t arrange things in isolation- either of you.
We still go through our diaries regularly to check for clashes or sort dog cover. If we’re going away or at weekends we sit in bed with a mug of tea and work out timings for the day well in advance.
Bit irritating he didn’t get back when he said but not worth ruining the whole weekend for. Not worth a long sulk. Next time discuss timings before booking anything that requires input from the other.

He was being a complete git.

And you shouldn't have had to arrange this, but if it was a big family party, surely there was someone who could have had the children for half an hour?

the part I seem to feel most annoyed about is that the comments are all directed to me as the default parent, rather than dh

But you behaved like the default parent. You assumed responsibility for the children and childcare when the clash came to light, rather than handing the childcare problem back to him.

It's hard to do and it's only when you really it happens that you realise how often it happens.

I've been separated from my husband for 5 years and yet, even now, when he says "I can't have the children on X day [a contact day of his] because I have X to do" it's really hard to not say "well I'll have them then".

I have practised saying, "well I have plans now. You'll have to arrange childcare, just like I would, or re arrange"

But the reason you are treated like the default parent is because you behave like the default parent.