To still be pissed off at the male privilege here?

[buckeejit]

So we’re away for a long weekend at pil after several months of illness for me & stressful work done to the house, (I arranged & chased all the builders/tradespeople etc).

There was a big party in a nice spa hotel on Fri & weeks ago I booked a massage for 3.30 as part of the deal which was paid for by my pil. Lovely. I was so looking forward to the treatment as had reached the end of my tether with everything going on. Told dh the details & that it was just a half hour massage & was that time ok. He said yes fine. Dh was to go clay pigeon shooting but didn’t bother checking times until we arrived at hotel. Lo & behold it was 2pm-3.30pm. Cue slight sad face & ‘I just won’t go’. I said no do go but just be back at the spa area by 3.30 & I’ll have dc ready for swimming.

I knew from experience if he hadn’t gone I would have heard several ‘what a shame dh couldn’t go shooting’ throughout the day & felt it would be reflected on me to blame-I did try to change the time of my treatment but they were fully booked.

Of course dh wasn’t back on time-messaged 30 mins before to say he didn’t think he would be, I messaged back to say ‘how late will you be? Ring me’ & he then did & asked ‘do you want me to come back now?’ I said well yes I have treatment.... phones back a few minutes later to say he’s actually about 20 mins away-I said fine & hung up. I couldn’t find anyone else to look after 2 dc & had to cancel massage. Am glad I didn’t as although he messaged a while after to say he was there at spa, I was in pool with 2 dc & didn’t see him-he didn’t come on in to help with dc so I didn’t even get to go in the hot tub/sauna/outdoor pool or any of the relaxing things I was looking forward to.

Later in the day I had fil approach me & very nicely tell me I needed to be more organised, whereupon I told him through gritted teeth that I’d booked it weeks ago & it was his son who hadn’t bothered checking details. He was sorry. Next I had mil & couple of other random people say ‘why didn’t you ask me to take dc, I’d have done it’. I don’t know if anyone asked dh why he didn’t try to arrange alternative childcare since it was his responsibility at that time. I could possibly have asked mil when we were in the pool if she’d take them but she’s had her hair done & didn’t want it wet & dc were so excited to be in pool that I’d just have been worried how boisterous they were & wouldn’t have been able to relax.

Anyway, that was Friday & we’ve barely spoken since. He hasn’t apologised. He is usually lovely but is pretty sheepish now, I imagine as he knows I’m seething. I’m awake early again & can’t seem to stop being pissed off about it.

Sorry that ended up way longer that I meant it to-thanks for reading.

He was never going to be back on time. That wasn't possible once he'd committed to the activity.

The problem isn’t make privilege but that your husband is an arrogant, selfish prat.

I bet he has a city/professional job and is used to his whims being enabled by the people around him. I bet he knew he wouldn’t be back on time and just thought fuck it, I want to go shooting.

Not even helping with the dc when he got back is shit of him. Bet he had a lovely relaxing day.

You’re married to a childish git.

Not male privilege.he offered to cancel you should have let him. He sounds kinda inconsiderate.

I knew from experience if he hadn’t gone I would have heard several ‘what a shame dh couldn’t go shooting’ throughout the day & felt it would be reflected on me to blame-I did try to change the time of my treatment but they were fully booked.

Not your problem. If they had asked me I would have said it was up to H to sort.

You did enable it but as you said, you won't let it happen again.

Is your H giving you silent treatment? Does he do this often?

"I am of course pissed off with DH, but there want time for me to organise anything else"

See what you did there? The correct expression would have been "there wasn't time for dh to organise anything else".

When he got back he did not come to find you, apologise and take the kids - why not? To me that says he never planned on trying to be back on time. How often does he have them on him own

Why didn’t fil and mil, once they had the facts, tell their ds to be more organised next time and for him to ask her to look after the children? I agree why do they assume that you are at fault/have ultimate responsibility for the children.

My dh was like this when my children were young. He still tries it on but these days I push back. I consistently tell my boys that it’s their responsibility too to look after their children when they have them!!!

"I am of course pissed off with DH, but there want time for me to organise anything else"

See what you did there? The correct expression would have been "there wasn't time for dh to organise anything else".

Yes, exactly. This is what I mean, OP, about you behaving like the default parent. You automatically assumed responsibility for it.

Sounds like you've put yourself in the position of being default parent. You should of just left you DH to deal with the childcare himself. You had something booked from weeks before, you had told him about it. Next time just leave the kids with him and let him sort out childcare if he wants to do something else. He did actually offer to cancel and MIL did say after you could of asked her. You did have option you just chose not to use them.

My dh does stuff like this sometimes as he is very disorganised and can be selfish. I just tell him that I have something booked and he needs to sort childcare. Not my problem!

don't think it's a male/female thing.

Could easily have been the other way around.

One of you is being a doormat.

I think you need to really spell out for him how he's let you down and let him take the reins and be the default parent. Make him see how taken for granted you've been and how selfish that was.

There was no way he was going to get back in time, so one of you had to cancel or find someone else to look after the kids before he left for his clay pigeon shooting. You set yourself up to be a martyr, there, OP. You should have told him he could only do his shooting if he could find someone else to care for the kids while you had your massage, as the clash was his fault, not yours, and ate into his time to be reponsible for the kids, not yours. Instead, you gave the impression it would not be the end of the world if he messed up your massage.

Actually, I have a slightly different take to this. The thing is, you weren’t on a level playing field because you were with HIS family. I’m sorry, but if DH and I travel to be with my family then my spending time with family takes priority over solitary indulgences that he might want to partake in.

You could book yourself into a spa day wherever and whenever you want to. But I doubt that he could as easily have some time out with his DDad.

I think there are times when one person in the couple has priority, and this was one of them. If, however, he does this ALL THE TIME then that is different.

You said there was lots of family there. Why didn't he just find an aunt or someone and say "Can you look after the kids for a bit-buck and I have a diary clash!"

And (not ideal, and you shouldn't have had to) but when it was obvious he wasn't going to be back in time, why didn't you?

What would you have done if he wasn't back for a reason out of his control-like the car breaking down or something?

If I understand this thread, it was the OP's job to manage her DH and she is at fault for poorly managing him? He bears no responsibility or blame?

Yes agreed, I see that I’ve behaved like the default parent-he works in a city, not the city & doesn’t have a high flying job sadly but leaves the house at 7.30am & is back at 6.20pm so naturally most things fall to me.

He’s fine with having dc but it does feel like I’m his mother too sometimes as I’m also the one always organising holidays & suggesting days out etc. He’s not confident but not shy of doing his share & just not organised-last minute with everything-he never needs me to do any sole childcare as he never does anything outside work. Will assign responsibilities more between us & take less of the burden.

Feels better to have written it down. Will move on & certainly learn a valuable lesson from it.

If I understand this thread, it was the OP's job to manage her DH and she is at fault for poorly managing him? He bears no responsibility or blame?

Yes, he was the selfish one and is to blame for taking advantage of OP. Agree that it isn't OP's job to manage her DH but it is her responsibility to stand up for herself and make sure that she isn't being treated like a doormat.

You’ve fallen into wife work. Hopefully this is a wake up call about enabling/martyrdom.

Sorry about your massage, I hope you get to treat yourself soon.

Sounds good op

Glad the thread has helped

And get that massage booked!

The hotel was busy, only found out an hour before about the clash & dh didn’t organise childcare as he isn’t used to that & presumably thought he could get back. Everyone was Dotted around, the only family was mil who was presumably in an area of the spa I couldn’t go to with dc.

I agree it was important for him to spend time with his dad but on top of everything I’d driven for over 4 hours to get to pil as he’s not that experienced a driver so not confident & I was feeling drained & only needed half an hour from him or even him to come help after I’d missed the treatment.

I love my pil but next time they walk past dh to ask me if the dc want such & such for lunch, I’ll gently tell them to check with dh instead of getting pissed off in my head. Mil had already said this morning when I’ve said I’ll come out with her & sil that fil can look after dc. No it’s fine, their father is here!

dh didn’t organise childcare as he isn’t used to that

In that case, you need to hand it over to him occasionally so that he does become used to doing it. He is as much their parent as you are.

next time they walk past dh to ask me if the dc want such & such for lunch, I’ll gently tell them to check with dh

Yes.

You could have asked MIL to look after the DC in advance or you know, her husband could have asked HIS MOTHER to have HIS children.

Why does it all fall to the female?

Why don't you go for a walk and leave the kids with DP to deal with when they get up?

You said in your OP that he / others would have whined about DP not being able to do the clay pigeon shooting... I think it’s that pressure that made you feel unable to take off the mantle of default parent.

It’s a case of being tough enough to retrain yourself and those around you to behave differently. It shouldn’t be up to you to do this of course, it’s intrinsically unfair. But, it will either change people’s perceptions about you as default parent / buck stops with you, or people will refuse to shuffle over their ideas and at least you’ll know and can deal with it with your eyes wide open.

I’d start with DP. Every time he leaves you as default parent, basically, leaving you to make family arrangements or childcare etc, you pick him up on it. Doesn’t have to be meanly done, just refuse to be dumped with that role ‘I’m sure you’ll find someone to look after them’ or ‘oh dear that’s a problem for you isn’t it, anyway, I’m off to x now, bye’ etc. Avoid arrangements where he’s supposed to come back early to take over, as that leaves you powerless when he decides not to bother.

Id try for a few weeks and then see if it’s making a difference, to your mood or to him taking responsibility. Don’t see it as a way of life, just a transition. And if it doesn’t work... then at least you know.

Knackering yes, worth it maybe if he is genuinely just being thoughtless and both of you have defaulted to gender roles that are pushed by society.

I never normally suggest any woman tries to teach her partner to behave properly, but as it sounds like he does generally have respect for you, it’s slightly different.