To still be pissed off at the male privilege here?

[buckeejit]

So we’re away for a long weekend at pil after several months of illness for me & stressful work done to the house, (I arranged & chased all the builders/tradespeople etc).

There was a big party in a nice spa hotel on Fri & weeks ago I booked a massage for 3.30 as part of the deal which was paid for by my pil. Lovely. I was so looking forward to the treatment as had reached the end of my tether with everything going on. Told dh the details & that it was just a half hour massage & was that time ok. He said yes fine. Dh was to go clay pigeon shooting but didn’t bother checking times until we arrived at hotel. Lo & behold it was 2pm-3.30pm. Cue slight sad face & ‘I just won’t go’. I said no do go but just be back at the spa area by 3.30 & I’ll have dc ready for swimming.

I knew from experience if he hadn’t gone I would have heard several ‘what a shame dh couldn’t go shooting’ throughout the day & felt it would be reflected on me to blame-I did try to change the time of my treatment but they were fully booked.

Of course dh wasn’t back on time-messaged 30 mins before to say he didn’t think he would be, I messaged back to say ‘how late will you be? Ring me’ & he then did & asked ‘do you want me to come back now?’ I said well yes I have treatment.... phones back a few minutes later to say he’s actually about 20 mins away-I said fine & hung up. I couldn’t find anyone else to look after 2 dc & had to cancel massage. Am glad I didn’t as although he messaged a while after to say he was there at spa, I was in pool with 2 dc & didn’t see him-he didn’t come on in to help with dc so I didn’t even get to go in the hot tub/sauna/outdoor pool or any of the relaxing things I was looking forward to.

Later in the day I had fil approach me & very nicely tell me I needed to be more organised, whereupon I told him through gritted teeth that I’d booked it weeks ago & it was his son who hadn’t bothered checking details. He was sorry. Next I had mil & couple of other random people say ‘why didn’t you ask me to take dc, I’d have done it’. I don’t know if anyone asked dh why he didn’t try to arrange alternative childcare since it was his responsibility at that time. I could possibly have asked mil when we were in the pool if she’d take them but she’s had her hair done & didn’t want it wet & dc were so excited to be in pool that I’d just have been worried how boisterous they were & wouldn’t have been able to relax.

Anyway, that was Friday & we’ve barely spoken since. He hasn’t apologised. He is usually lovely but is pretty sheepish now, I imagine as he knows I’m seething. I’m awake early again & can’t seem to stop being pissed off about it.

Sorry that ended up way longer that I meant it to-thanks for reading.

This is about male privilege. The fact that you've become the default parent is underpinned by male privileged.

He behaved like an arse and you're right to be annoyed.

OP I completely agree that this is about male privilege. You are not wrong.

The reason you are the default parent is not because you do not stick up for yourself or because you are being a martyr, it's because this is the behaviour that is expected of women. You are merely conforming to type.

Of course you can change things by being more assertive. But it galls me that once we wake up to wifework we then become responsible for changing the order of things and, effectively, teaching men the error of their ways. How tiresome!

I would be seething at my treatment be8ng blown off beca8se my DH t88k a fancy for go8ng shooting.

They enable his thoughtlessness.

I would be pissed off too as it's not easy to ask somebody else's mother to mind kids.

Also the FIL's comment that you need to be more organised would have made me so mad.

His working hours are not long. Very similar to DP's. All our organisation and planning (rather than day to day functional activity) happens in the evenings and at weekends. So do most DC activities and all family ones. All that is shared.

What is your DH doing all evening every evening that he cannot plan a family day out, a holiday, or organise everyone's Christmas presents?

What is he doing all day every weekend that he doesn't take on his fair share of ferrying DCs to activities, making sure you and he both get some 'me time' and thinking about associated logistics?

You know what to do next time, now, and forever more.

‘Oh ok, I just won’t go’ sad face Husband.
‘Ok, if you think that’s best’ agreeing wife.

Your dc didn’t need to stay in the pool and mil would have looked after them for 30 minutes

You’re actually making excuses as why no one else there, many family and friends couldn’t look after the two dc

The reason you are the default parent is not because you do not stick up for yourself or because you are being a martyr, it's because this is the behaviour that is expected of women. You are merely conforming to type.

Conforming to type is a choice though. We can all choose to position ourselves however we wish.

His expectation might be 'male privilege', but it can only continue because of 'female enablement'. If the OP had just said, "well I've had a massage booked at 3.30pm for 4 weeks, so you'll have to find someone to have the children for you". Problem wouldn't have arisen.

Ivykaty-there was no one-actually no-one there when I was due for my treatment-not sure why you think I’d be making excuses about that-would have taken that option if available. Didn’t know where mil was & bil was busy sorting the party room. That was it for family. Barely know pil’s friends as they live in another country & the single only person I could find at the time was having a treatment 10mins after so couldn’t ask her. Dc didn’t go into pool until after I cancelled treatment-they we’re chomping at the bit to get in & there was no point keeping them out

But you knew where BIL was and could have asked him to either help out or help find MILjust for 30 minutes and then us repay by helping him

I love it when posters disagree with the facts of the situation the OP states. Like they know better than the person was actually there.

YANBU. A lot of people will say it's not male privellege but it is. In many families men aren't expected to take any responsibility for anything except finances. It's annoying AF. Your DH knew what was expected of him. He didn't do his bit. And you were held responsible.

Ivy I did ask bil then found out what he was doing & we crossed texts with him saying sorry no & me saying don’t worry, just heard you’re dressing the room. He thought mil was in spa-she was somewhere but I couldn’t find her

Spoke to DH briefly today. He thinks he did all he could as he ran back 1.5 miles in wellington boots to try to get there. I pointed out he didn’t start bloody running until I prompted him so was never going to make it back in time & then didn’t come in to the pool etc to help & allow me at least 10 mins in hot tub enjoying the view.

While I’m still frustrated about it, it’s a good but sad wake up call. I thought he was fairly enlightened, albeit after I instigated taking turns putting dc to bed, making lunches etc. This kind of situation of being away for something fun is once in a blue moon for us so quite unprecedented, but as said before I’ll be sure to make sure There’s no repeat & book a lengthy massage when I get home!

A lot of people will say it's not male privellege but it is. In many families men aren't expected to take any responsibility for anything except finances

But this is only able to occur because the women facilitate and enable it.

If the women said "no" rather than "don't worry, i'll sort it", the men would have no choice.

Calling it 'male entitlement' and refusing to acknowledge the woman's part in it assumes that it is inevitable and all we,as women, can do is complain and feel frustrated. And that's just not the case.

Change the expectation and you change the behaviour.

@Saturdaynightatthe movies would you make the same comments about other major or minor acts of subjugation? Is it always partly the less powerful party's fault for allowing the bad behaviour?

I had a recent interesting convo with DP about this. His father was very 'my road or the high road', ruled the roost type. But who gets half the blame for this testy, testosterone-fuelled atmosphere?: His mum for 'enabling' it. Logically I can see this makes sense but we'll, part of me thinks this is just another way of shifting all the responsibility for challengjng patriarchy to... yep you'very guessed it: women!

By calling it male entitlement it categorically does not imply there is nothing that can be done. Giving something a name (in this case, male privilege) doesn't disempower you, it empowers you. Know your enemy and all that.

Ragusa there shouldn't be a less powerful party in a relationship.

In heterosexual relationships there is usually a less powerful party and that less powerful party is usually the woman.

I agree fully here shouldn't be a less powerful party by the way. But there is, in most.

To take my three closest friends:
Friend 1 is fabulous but does all the wifework bar cleaning ( which is contracted out to a female relative. )

Friend 2 (Has a husband. Who works in the city and enjoys a fantastic house and quality of life as a result yet should they divorce (which is looking likely) will end up worse off unless she can get a shit hot lawyer well-versed in offshore trusts..

Friend 3 has given up her career to be a mum and facilitate her partners' career. Is unmarried and will be f*ed I'd they ever split.

Of course there is friend 4, the statistical ourlier who has a brilliant career and was prescient enough to get married young (security) and keep her own income.

She is very much the minority in my circle.

Ragusa i agree with everything you have written there. Society is very much set up to favour men and facilitate them.

But i think that in the specific circumstances the OP describes, actually she could have said "well i have that massage booked. You'll have to ask your mum and dad if they'll have the kids if you want to go and do shooting".

He offered to not go. Yes, it might have been a passive aggresive move, but it was her response that enabled him to do it.

We don't know, he might have kicked off and been a dick about it, he might have sorted it, but she didn't even try.

She made herself the default parent by allowing his activity to be prioritised over hers.