Babies in Childcare - Honest Opinions Please

[ChesterBelloc]

I've read several threads recently in which people stated that so long as a baby is competently cared for in a suitable environment, it makes no difference to the child whether the adult(s) in question are the baby's parent(s) or childcare professionals.

Do you believe this?

(I'm not asking for yet another debate about the extent to which 'stay-at-home parenting' may be detrimental to women's quest for equality/career progression/intellectual stimulation etc etc. There's enough on these boards already about that.)

I'm asking whether people genuinely believe that babies have/should have no stake in the discussion; whether they think that it makes no difference to the babies themselves whether they are with their parents all day or with a nursery/childminder - and if there is a qualitative difference, which is the better option, from the child's perspective.

I'm genuinely curious to hear people's views, not trying to be goady (though fully expect to be flamed for even raising this question, due to the possible implications and inferences that could be extrapolated from it). Thank you for reading thus far!

I know several people who were in childcare from a very young age. They are all pleasant enough. They all have various emotional problems but I would hesitate to attribute that to the childcare. Most people have emotional problems even without being sent to a nursery. The only thing that I have noticed is that children who I have known who started nursery at an early age developed self care skills like self feeding, self dressing noticibly earlier than children who I have known who were kept at home. If you really have to send them I doubt it does them any real damage. I do however wonder at women who do that because they just don't want to be SAHM. The only real opinion I have on the matter is that if you don't want to raise your own children then you shouldn't have them.

Really lard i would say the opposite is true. Children who dont go to nursery or childminders and spend most of their time with parents alone dont know how to socialise or share and can turn to aggression to get their own way.

That is just a normal stage of development for under 5's.

Come on margaret you haven't answered;

No. I'm asking.

Where has the mad idea that SAHMs should be playing with and staring at their children all day come from? I genuinely haven't heard of this yet.

The only real opinion I have on the matter is that if you don't want to raise your own children then you shouldn't have them

Sending your child to nursery is not "not raising them"

I do think it's an interesting debate. Problem is that when I've seen this on mn you get the working mums being defensive/possibly guilty and sahms being a bit smug.

I've been on both sides on this in some ways.
I was a nanny twice for under ones. They both enjoyed being with me. I think one of them would have, if you'd given him the option, always chosen to stay with mummy, but in principal would have wanted perhaps tomorrow to come with me. The other one would have chosen me at least some of the time.
I chose to sah with all of mine because I enjoyed it, and could afford to.

There are some mums who need to get out and do something different and that makes them better mums the rest of the time, and I am totally confident in this case it's better for the child.

I have on a few occasions been in discussion about this where there have been reception/preschool teachers. Some of them have stated that in their opinion the children who used child care before school appear at first glance more confident, they don't cry coming in, they get on independently. However they said a significant number show other signs of feeling unsettled.
So they didn't think it particularly gets them ready for school-they've just learnt earlier that crying doesn't stop them going. It doesn't actually mean they feel better about going to school.

I wish there were more ways to encourage people, who want to, to stay at home. Round here house prices are so bad, it's hard to get a mortgage on one salary.

But at the same time, I think people are expecting too much at times. I remember a programme years ago on R4 which was offering financial advice to someone who was wanting to give up work after she had her baby, but they spent all her (well over the average) salary. They advised on how to make savings. She had things like she was going to the hairdresser fortnightly. She paid more for the hairdresser fortnightly than my whole family typically pays for in a year too! They suggested she either cut it down to monthly, or found somewhere cheaper to go.
Her conclusion at the end of the programme was that she didn't want to make these cuts so was looking into child care.
Now she was clearly one extreme, but I have seen it among friends/family when they say "oh I couldn't afford to give up work" and it's at least partially a situation of "I don't want to give up luxuries".
Which is a choice.

And I do have friends for whom they need to work either because they need to keep working/training regularly or else they lose their licence to work, or because they genuinely do need the money to live. These people should be able to do it without feeling guilty.

The only real opinion I have on the matter is that if you don't want to raise your own children then you shouldn't have them.

That's going to go down like a lead balloon

I think the OP has asked a valid question and one we as adults avoid because we are busy defending our choices be they financial, for our mental well being, hoping it gives our baby a head start later etc.

It’s not often we stop and think how does the baby feel about this choice right now and I think they do let us know quite clearly.

I’m curious how many would use childcare rather than have a parent at home if finances were taken out of the picture and society didn’t make people feel working was essential to be seen as productive.

If you think working class nineteenth century women, for instance, spent all day playing with their babies then you're the crackpot, not me

Exactly. 'I was going to launder all the bedsheets until my fingers bled but I think it's time for some 'mummy and me time' on the playmat instead'. More like give the baby to next door's 7 yo to mind for the day instead. Informal fostering and adoption used to be very common (before the law started regulating these). Among the poorer classes, children were often sent to live with relatives so that their parents could work in service.

It’s not often we stop and think how does the baby feel about this choice right now and I think they do let us know quite clearly

I dont think they do at all. My 18 mo will tantrum over the smallest thing. He is unhappy for maybe 10 minutes but it doesnt mean he is unhappy in general.

He goes into nursery excited with a smile on his face and comes out the same way.

So as far as i can see he is happy with my decision?

There's no "exactly" about it blue.

I was saying modern women don't EITHER not that Victorian women DID.

Why has this strange soap advert idea taken hold?

The only real opinion I have on the matter is that if you don't want to raise your own children then you shouldn't have them

And you would never say that to a father working full time, would you, ttbb????

I think the best place for baby is with parent. Not workable or practical in all cases but that is not what OP asked.

And you would never say that to a father working full time, would you, ttbb????

Why not? I said it to DH.

No, op asked how the baby feels about it.

Posted too soon.

But none of us can answer that can we?

No she said "from the baby's perspective".

Same difference. How do we get the babys perspective?

Gosh, you're impatient! It took me 5 mins to reply? Do you think you're that way because of your upbringing?

Either children need undivided one-on-one attention, which only a single carer per infant can provide, or they don't. What I'm saying is that, despite what you seem to think, historically speaking the idea of giving an infant undivided attention is a very unusual one.

I was saying modern women don't EITHER not that Victorian women DID

Hahaha, I have seen so many parents who spend every waking hour playing with their kids to the extent that their kids cannot play on their own as a result. There are people on here who think its neglect to leave your child to play on their own in their room. I have heard people say that they cannot possibly do any housework while looking after a toddler because their entire time is spent 'interacting' with said toddler.

Of course it's a 'thing'. If it was still socially acceptable to stick your kids in the garden and crack on with things, people wouldn't have a problem with nurseries at all. The reason they do is that they believe that young children need constant interaction with the primary carer.

I mean when my 18 month old wakes up i can ask him if you like? Hes v good with words for his age but hes more likely to tell you he "cant find it" or he wants to "get you" than be able to articulate his emotional state and how nursery affects it.

Gosh, you're impatient! It took me 5 mins to reply? Do you think you're that way because of your upbringing?

But it only took you one minute to bite my head off because you'd completely misinterpreted.

It's tricky.

My DH and I have one child and will stick to one. As I openly said to aghast mothers at play group the other day, DH and I are selfish people and we both want to work. It wouldn't work for us to have more than one DC. With one, we've been able to balance everything. I was SAHM for first two months but as DH didn't have job, he was SAHD before DD started at childminder until recently. We've moved and DD is starting pre-school for 4.5 days a week aged almost 3.

Because of nature of childminding and flexibility of our jobs, working from home etc we both spent a lot of time during the week with DD and it was great to have that balance. Now she's almost 3, she's really ready to go to pre-school - she's loved her settling in sessions and didn't want to come home!!

It's about what works for your families and your jobs. I sort of agree with PP about whether you should be having children if you are not raising them. We am not having more children because we wouldn't be able to offer the same balance with DD.

As I said this completely shocked ladies at the play group this week who couldn't seem to reconcile themselves to a woman who only wants one child and isn't willing to make the work sacrifices to have more. Horrible woman that I am!!

This has been raised again and again. Every child is different. Every parenting situation is different and every childcare setting is different. You have to what is best for you, your child, your family. There is so much judgement which is so silly. Just do what is right for you and do not judge others.

Battleax but how do you expect such a family to finance their lives? Is there some magic way that money just appears in your bank account to pay the rent and the mortgage and stuff, meaning that you don't have to work? I would have thought earning a wage is as much part of raising children and being responsible for them as reading books to them.

I don't know where people are getting the notion that kids with a SAHM never see any other children and are somehow unsocalised as a result.

There are loads of playgroups around with kids of varying ages. The ones I go to, kids come on the same day each week, so children do get to know each other and form bonds. Parents are a mix of SAHMs and part time mums who come on their non working days. There are art and craft activities and singing in circles and all sorts. Kids run around together and eat morning tea and learn to share.

Nursery is not the only way for children to get interaction with their peers.