To give 16 year old ultimatum- shape up or leave?

[DamnMyFrizzyHair]

DS (16) left school in June and has done NOTHING since - he's basically been sat on his arse for almost 6 months, going to bed at 4am, getting up mid afternoon and going out with his mates until gone midnight.

He refused to go to college, half arsed attempt to get an apprentiship but failed and then eventually landed a job in McDonald's ... however he pissed about with that for weeks afterwards making excuses about why he couldn't start until he eventually gets a proper start date two weeks ago and goes and breaks his hand punching a wall over a disagreement about his girlfriend. Therefore on his first day, he had to tell the manager he couldn't work due to broken hand. I don't even know if he still has the job as he won't discuss it.

Lately he hasn't even been coming home, he goes out and stays out, often for a couple of days at a time.

I've just come back off holiday and he's left the house in a shit hole and has blatantly used it as a hotel for his mates.

I'm at the end of my patience with him. He's disrespectful and not nice to be around. Causes so much tension in the house and we don't even know where he is half the time or whether he's coming back or not. Last night DH waited up until 1.30am for him to come home (not his dad, his dad is a useless sack of shit) only for DS1 to pass the message on that he'd just text him to say he wasn't coming back.

AIBU to tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live if he can't live by normal family rules and expectations?

I just wish there was somewhere safe for him to go, like supported living or something

There is.

Awful age I know OP. It does pass though.

Renting a room and working at McDonald's (I use that as he has experience) or finding other employment. Like millions of other young men have done for generations

Not in 2017!!

Nobody will rent him a room. Nobody. And jobs in MacDonald's are actually relatively well paid and not available for 16 year olds with no experience or qualifications.

Thirdly all 16-17 year olds are expected to be in education or training meaning they are legally barred from working full Time until past the end of year 13.

Yes, things have changed a lot in recent years. When I was a teenager, people who were kicked out just signed on and got somewhere to live and in some cases had very little to do with their parents ever again. Nowadays, they can't get income support or a decent full time job but that doesn't mean that throwing them out will be a "kick up the backside" they need. Without any support from the state or parents, they might end up sofa surfing, sleeping rough or even selling drugs or committing other crimes to make money.

What fleur said

And I don't have an issue with op going on holiday without him. Op needs to detach so spoiling her own leisure time by dragging a recalcitrant teenager along seems counter intuitive.

Your son needs help. He needs help from a substance abuse team about his dope smoking (and where is he getting the money from for this habit?),; he needs help because he is NEET and he needs help with whatever underlying psychological problems he has that are linked to his low esteem and lack of self care.

Yes, set boundaries. However as a single parent of a 16 year old, I know how difficult it is to reinforce these. Also, seek help from social services. He is putting his health and welfare in danger and he is affecting you.

A similar thing happened between my DM and dB.

He was 17, barely working any hours, treating the house like a hotel and just generally wasting his life.

After a few rows my DM said if you don't like the rules then don't live here.

He left and spent a year sofa surfing with friends. He eventually got a full time job and started renting a horrible, cheap flat.

Around this time they started talking again. When DM saw how he was living she said, you can come home but the rules haven't changed.

He moved back home, finally understanding how good he had it there. They've been fine ever since.

I work with people like your son. Who for one reason or another can't live in the family home.
If you throw him out, the council have a "duty of care" to put a roof over his head. So, unless he wants to live in the streets, he will not need to do so.
He will have to go to Connections or Local Housing or direct to Social Services and they will have to house him. Either in a hostel (not very nice but a sharp wake-up) or into Night Stop for emergency overnight accommodation . Then they will find him some sort of Supported accomodation.
Up to you really if you can't handle him.

Don't kick him out, he's a child. You have responsibility for him until he's 18 in any event.

Have u ever considered the impact of his absent father has had on his life? Perhaps he's depressed? He's a teenager, whose brain hasn't fully formed. There could be a multitude of reasons for his behaviour, including him perhaps being lazy. Think of all the contributing factors.

Who is funding his outings with friends?

Show him love but set clear expectations regarding how you want treated, use of your home and provision of pocket money. You could link pocket money to helping round the house, for example, and perhaps an attempt to find employment or education.

Tho k about taking advice from a parenting organisation.

He's your son and I can only imagine u love him. Don't throw that away

Fleurjasmine - your messages are well written, full of empathy, understanding and are so touching.

OP bear in mind that in some countries your DS would still be at school. We expect far too much too soon of young people in this country. They are expected to have a career plan and make really important choices right at the same time as going through huge turmoil and changes that being a teen and growing up brings. Is it any wonder that so many fall through the cracks. He sounds lost and directionless and I’m sure deep down he feels as hopeless about his situation as you do.

YABU, he sounds like he needs support and stricter boundaries from you! 16 is still very young and a critical age. Throwing him out or giving him ultimatums is probably not the most productive thing to do. He sounds like he is quite immature and angry: breaking his hand from punching a wall. Does he often act out like that?

Might be worth trying to understand what his feelings around his own self-worth are. If theyre low then hes not going to feel the best about anything in his life and you threatening to chuck him out may just reinforce them

JustHope
We expect far too much too soon of young people in this country. They are expected to have a career plan and make really important choices right at the same time as going through huge turmoil and changes that being a teen and growing up brings

You have got to be kidding. There were 16 and 17 year olds going up in planes during the war, defending this country, operating technical equipment, combatting fears, learning skills in rapid time, dealing with authority and more responsibility than most adults will ever experience, overcoming immense fear and displaying unbelievable courage, mental stamina, determination, responsibility and character.

And this 16 year old can't handle a few shifts serving hamburgers.

My dad is going through the exact same experience with my step brother. (18) However he stole money from my step mum to fund his crap lifestyle.

He has been kicked out and for the past 6 weeks he has been living in his car, but he will loose that soon ( he owes money on it to my dad)

We found out the more chances he was given, the more he rebelled and screwed up.

My dad told him to join the army so he could have a home, job, food etc. however he failed basic training due to a drug conviction he had kept secret.

An 18yo is quite different to a 16yo, IMO

Although I still wouldn't kick out an 18yo either

That's a very sad situation, Kursk

Does he want to give up the drugs?

No he doesn’t want to give up the weed, he doesn’t think it’s a problem. His own words were that he plans to bum around until he gets to a point where he has no choice but to get a job

Kicking him out was the final solution.

Isn't he already at that point, if he is living in his car?

We thaught he would be at that point but apparently he doesn’t feel like he is yet.

I am thinking that he is expecting his Mum to give in and let him come home.

Kursk no one deserves to live on the streets. Your step brother has an addiction and possibly other issues such as ADHD and he needs the support of an educational and therapeutic psycholgist and rehab, not kicking out

It would mean the world to him if you could support him so he can keep some pride and know someone in the family cares. I dont understand why forcing your step brother out into the cold is seen as the final solution. Nothing like giving up on your children to get rid of your stress when you dont know how to deal with a crisis. There are many, many teens with issues like your step brother. But not so many with parents willing to force them onto the streets

My dad kicked me out when I was 17 for the same antics as your son.

I ended up sleeping rough and it was an awful time.

After about 6 months i went back home because I'd realised it was actually important to finish school.

I finished school and my relationship with my parents became very close and solid.

I would say the experience whilst nightmarish was kind of the making of me

A friend has had similar issues with her daughter. It has escalated and there's been many instances of theft, violence and vandalism and even though the daughter is now living elsewhere she still visits her mum and steals from her at every opportunity.

My friend is much less jittery now and feels safer at home but she worries. I think her daughter is probably more a risk to others than at risk herself. SS were involved, anger management classes at school, counselling was offered but she refused. My friend has never involved the police and I think if I was in her place then I would have told them.

Splendid isolation that is fantastic that you turned it around. I still believe we should never force them to leave home and have no shelter. Yes they need to learn natural consequences, but not by sleeping rough.

ParanoidPammy agree involve police , for warning of stealing and violence. Sleeping at a friends or another family members is what other friends of mine chose to do, and they say that after their 16 year old spent 6 months away at the friends, they came home more down to earth and decent.