angry at ex

[AngryatEx]

Soon to be ex husband dumped me last year

It’s not that I’m trying to goad or pry, but it’s really hard to see whether your actions are reasonable based on the amount of info given. It could be that your reactions are an inevitable reaction to years of trauma and walking on eggshells. Or it could be that you are just petty and view not getting your way as emotional abuse.

So I just don’t know.

here's an option.... loathsome as it may be to you right now...

can you mish-mash another memento together.. with your daughter for Him... say she wanted to do something a bit more personal for him... try to defuse the fact he wants something that's no longer there..

just a thought OP... to try take the stress and further confrontation out of the situation..

You massively over reacted to a marble being swallowed.

He followed a perfectly reasonable course of action: determined that there was no immediate choking, kept an eye on the child, told the adult at handover. He did what you would have done based on the advice of 111. He would have been unreasonable to contact you to share such information when such sharing would have had no impact whatsoever on your actions or his actions.

He may be the world's biggest bastard but on this one he was right and you've made a bit of a tit of yourself.

sinceyouask you know absolutely nothing about the situations other posters have been through either so your post is a bit ironic really.

You really need to try and separate your anger towards him and I really get that you will have huge issues and his right to have a relationship with his children. Unless he is shown to be a danger to the children ( a child swallowing a hungry hippo ball does not count) then you have no right to stop them seeing him.

OP I understand you are hurt and angry about the situation and about the way he was with you but YABU

It's an overreaction to imply the kids are at risk because one swallowed a marble - and if he is basically non contact with you what was he supposed to do? If he had called you and acted like it was an emergency would you have found that manipulative?

Stopping contact will hurt your kids - destroying something he wanted is just childish

Your relationship with him sounds awful and I get you are angry but that's not the kids fight

These children will be messed up emotionally.

You sound childish and manipulative.

He informed you, through the 3rd party, so that you were up to date. A hungry hippo marble is not going to do any harm. He's not done anything wrong.
So you broke a keepsake to prevent him having something to think of his kids? That's pretty petty and vindictive.

Don't you realise that you are being emotionally abusive and controlling - not to mention the fact that you're destroying something of your child's in order to get some sort of stupid revenge on your ex. You sound terrible. It's not going to look good.

I don’t mean to say that I don’t believe you when you say he is manipulative and abusive without anyone else realising. That’s really common.

I think you are holding back detail to avoid outing yourself, and that is why people are reacting strongly to your actions.

sinceyouask - not once does she say she is afraid of her ex. She says she can't bear to be in the same room as him, not that she's scared.

You've told him not to contact you OP, then gone nuts that he didn't contact you. You can't have it both ways and I agree with PP's that say you're the one coming off badly here I'm afraid.

sinceyouask at least you get it! Just because he never hit me doesn't mean I'm not scared of him. I've been under the domestic violence team and waiting for counselling.

Im sorry to hear that you have been subjected to domestic violence, but what bearing does that have on your original post

You were concerned that you were not told about a plastic marble your child swallowed and wanted to cut off contact. You made no mention of the domestic violence. Has your partner been violent against his children? If so, then that is relevant to your post.

Your children have the right to see their father

We all 'get it', we just don't agree with you. Can't you see the difference?

Why did you refuse to relocate for his job? I mean its Ireland, not Siberia.

He was emotionally abusive to you? Im not saying he wasnt, but you sound just the same towards him.

Grow up.

I would be so bold as to say you are in danger of being emotionally abusive yourself - don't be that person - allow contact

Yes you're angry and quiet frankly you over reacted. But don't be one of those mums who stop their kids from seeing their dad because of your personal vendetta with him.

“I can't be in the same room as he is manipulative and emotionally abusive”

Stuff like destroying property as a revenge tool
Punishing the kids by destroying their things to get back at you
Stopping contact for spurious reasons?
Refusing to speak to you but expecting you to know in what specific circumstances you can contact him ?

That sort of stuff?

I'm not surprised you don't want to be part of the hand over my ex was an abusive arsehole and everytime I let him pick our DC up he would either come onto me in front of them or call me a Cunt a Whore and a Slut in front of them so I think being as your ex was abusive you having as little to do with him is a good idea.

I would have been worried if one of my 5DC had swallowed a marble and he should have at least checked with someone like ringing 111 and he should have let you know if he can contact you.

I wouldn't have destroyed the toy but I do understand, I'm guessing you felt quite out of control of the situation and feeling like your losing any control (no matter how small it was)to someone who has been abusive to you can mess with your head and can make you fearfull of falling back into that pattern.

You said you've had some help could you speak to those people that were helping you?They should be able to help you find some strategies to deal with these feelings and worries so they don't get to take over your life any more.

The relocation I refused wasn't to Ireland, it was somewhere he had to be a married man (I won't say exactly but not a good place for a woman) so he blames me for losing the promotion. I also have my own career to consider.

I've been discharged from domestic violence team and don't need help any more except for ex to protect my children like I do.

"he should have at least checked with someone like ringing 111 and he should have let you know if he can contact you."

Or maybe he just googled it first and saw that the advice was to monitor it as it wasn't an emergency?

don't need help any more except for ex to protect my children like I do.

So you can 100% guarantee that it wouldn't have happened if they were with you? Truth is no you can't.

Yabvu

But from what you have said there is nothing to suggest he hasn’t protected your children. Accidents happen