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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like the worst parent tonight?

59 replies

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:05

I'm not in a good place tonight.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't raise children. I can spoil them and love them but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

My DD is nearly three. Tonight DH went out so I was putting her to bed. I also have a newborn and I also had a lot of stuff to do tonight. Like every night. You know how it is.

To cut a long and convoluted story short, DD just refused to stay in her bed. Refused. I kept putting her back in and she just kept getting back out. It was all a game to her. I threatened her with the usual sanctions, removing toys etc, but she just doesn't give a fuck.

She is ruling the roost in here. That's the truth. I don't know how to discipline her. She has always been stubborn and strong willed, but this was something else.

I tried so hard. I was careful with what I said e.g. The behaviour is naughty not the child etc, but I lost my temper. I shouted at her (she didn't care). I picked her up and put her back into bed. She said "don't push me!!!"

She settled for DH eventually when he appeared home. It was fraught and we argued after she was asleep.

I feel utter shite.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 17/11/2017 00:08

Well you don't shut fire with fire

Return her tonnes wirhout a single word, not one, it's the most boring thing in the world

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:09

I did. About 50 times. She thought it was hilarious.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:11

I just lost control of the situation and I know I handled it badly. But the truth is, I dunno how to handle it correctly.

OP posts:

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 17/11/2017 00:14

Cut yourself some slack. You have a newborn!

I have an 18 month old and a 3 month old. I let The toddler go to bed wearing her wellies tonight because I didn't want another tantrum (obviously I took them off of her when she was asleep and tucked her in). If you're failing so am I.

Oh and both my DDs are daddy's girls, even the three month will fall asleep after screaming at me for half an hour when she has her daddy 😕

MajesticWhine · 17/11/2017 00:14

Oh come on don’t beat yourself up. We all have limits. You have done her no harm. You are a loving parent doing your best.

Headfullofdreams · 17/11/2017 00:16

Chicoletta don't beat yourself up, we've all been there. It's the best and hardest job in the world. Just remember it's not just you, we all go through times like this. It's doubly hard when you add tiredness and a million jobs to do to the list. Am sure you are doing a great job.

blackteasplease · 17/11/2017 00:18

Can you see if your dh can get back for bedtime more and either put dd to bed or look after the new born while you do? It's tough juggling bedtime for child with a new born in my recollection.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 00:19

You just have to keep doing it, and not let it get to you even if it is 100 times or more. If you feel like it's too much, and your DD is safe you could step away for a few minutes to gather yourself again before carrying on.

As you have a newborn, I think you should speak to your DH about whether he can be around for bedtime if your DD is struggling to stay in bed.

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:20

Yeah the newborn was in my arms half the time and lying on my bed the other half. Another measure of guilt right there. She was happy enough though.

DH is usually here at bedtime but plays football a couple of nights a week. It's so hard, those nights. DD plays up when he isn't here and yet even when he is here she asks for me to put her to bed (sometimes DH will take her anyway).

OP posts:

inniu · 17/11/2017 00:20

You don't get to anywhere near the top of he worst parents league table.

statetrooperstacey · 17/11/2017 00:20

It actually doesn't sound like you handled it badly at all.
You tried different tactics and none of them worked, -pretty normal- you lost your temper and shouted at her, -normal- your husband came home and she settled for him and made a mockery of you- normal- 😂

Honestly this shit goes on nightly in everyone's houses with small kids.
She is probably trying it on a bit at the minute because if the baby, it's natural she will be a bit more demanding. It will get better.

You did nothing wrong, tell your husband you were a bit fraught and struggled. It happens. Sounds like a typical bedtime to be fair!

DJBaggySmalls · 17/11/2017 00:21

Dont be hard on yourself. We've all had days like this when they just dont want to hear it, and not all techniques work with every child.
Try to find her hook. With my lot an appeal to their sense of fair play and justice usually worked.
Will she respond to being treated like the older kid? What if you said 'I cant watch you and keep you safe, you need to be sensible and stay in your room'?
You can also have a serious talk with her and explain that she is part of the family, and she has to play her part. You know that sometimes she wont want to, but its the same for everyone.

Its also not fair on your DH to have a go at you, they usually act differently with someone else than to you.

Bunglecunt · 17/11/2017 00:22

People will give you advice but the truth is that we are all just winging it! Don't beat yourself up, no one died. Right now you have a brand new baby and a strong willed 3 year old to deal with, that is hard work! Getting through the day is an achievement at this stage, everything else will come later

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:24

To be fair he didn't have a go at me because of what had happened with DD.

He um....had a go at me because he texted me to say he was popping round to his brothers to pick something up, and I basically responded with "are you fucking kidding me?!" type thing.

He isn't psychic he did not know what was going on at home.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 00:28

Ok, so that wasn't ideal... but he knows you've got a newborn! Surely he could see that you were stressed when he got in? Having a go at you doesn't help at that point.

DancingOnParsnips · 17/11/2017 00:28

Two nights playing football when you have a newborn? I think your reaction was mild.

BelleandBeast · 17/11/2017 00:30

You have a newborn and 3yr old and do bedtime on your own 2 a week? WTAF?

How often does he do it? He can't know as he never does it.

Walk out one evening and ask him to get on with it. Then he won't need to be psychic, he'll have lived it.

Fucking football 2x a week. What a selfish arse.

alibongo5 · 17/11/2017 00:31

Really don't beat yourself up. When I think back to all the times that I was feeling myself the worst parent in the world, bedtimes and feeding as babies and toddlers and then blazing rows through teenage years. And now, I have a wonderful relationship with my children in adulthood that I literally couldn't have imagined at times. I really phoned parentline and was close to murdering my son at times when he was a teenager but we got through it! It really is normal to feel like it. But I really do sympathise.

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:31

Yeah. The text wasn't fair but I must admit I have slight rage about the football situation. And that his life just resumes where it left off and mine is all up in the air and I'm fat and stressed with crap hair and skin. And yet he still complains about being tired.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 00:32

I think you did really well.

Parenting is new to all of us when we first become a mum or dad. Evn if you helped out with younger siblings this is a first time gig for all of us (the first time). And it is hard!

Do you get out and meet other mums, and dads, and swap tips and things? This can help.

If you want something to read, try this

familylinks.org.uk/shop/the-parenting-puzzle-book

www.bookdepository.com/Raising-Happy-Children-Jan-Parker/9780340734643

You could probably pick both books up quite cheaply second hand or ask your local library to order them in.

Both are brilliant.

I think one thing you could try is to work out what she most likes to do and then put that thing in her room at night, or a picture of it, and say, if you stay in bed we can do this tomorrow. Just give it a go. Make staying in the bed fun, - let's have a game of sleeping lions in bed. Put a beautiful lullaby tune on and listen together.

My dd was a shocker, would not go to sleep and came in my bed until age 8!

The only thing that worries me about your post is not your parenting, and not your dd, but rather your low opinion of yourself and your parenting skills.

To be honest I do wonder if you may be suffering from a touch of baby blues or actual post natal depression. Because you sound very down on yourself and overly critical.

Please speak to your midwife, or health visitor.

Your dh should be cutting you some slack and not upsetting you. Your body has been through a tumultuous time. Your dh should be supporting and helping, not upsetting.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 00:33

Does he think it's fair that he gets to spend so much family time on his hobby instead? When do you get to spend the same amount of time doing something you want to do?

Original poster

Chicoletta · 17/11/2017 00:33

He is selfish. He's a good, kind man and he loves being a dad but I don't think he's grown up much.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 00:33

Good, kind and selfish don't go together...

MissConductUS · 17/11/2017 00:35

This is why this age is called the "terrible threes".

I think you should tell DH that you're picking two nights a week to go out and leaving him with the baby and demon child those nights. Fair is fair.

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 00:36

"I'm fat and stressed with crap hair and skin. And yet he still complains about being tired."

Is the fat thing is most likely post baby fat? That will sort out, the hair and skin, speak to the chemist or GP for something.

Your dh should not be moaning at you. The text was a bit harsh, have a nice chat, explain how you feel and say you are going to speak to someone for some advice etc.

Enjoy this time with new baby and find a way to work together with dh, he needs to step up, he is dad of two not just a footie fan!

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