To feel like the worst parent tonight?

[Chicoletta]

I'm not in a good place tonight.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't raise children. I can spoil them and love them but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

My DD is nearly three. Tonight DH went out so I was putting her to bed. I also have a newborn and I also had a lot of stuff to do tonight. Like every night. You know how it is.

To cut a long and convoluted story short, DD just refused to stay in her bed. Refused. I kept putting her back in and she just kept getting back out. It was all a game to her. I threatened her with the usual sanctions, removing toys etc, but she just doesn't give a fuck.

She is ruling the roost in here. That's the truth. I don't know how to discipline her. She has always been stubborn and strong willed, but this was something else.

I tried so hard. I was careful with what I said e.g. The behaviour is naughty not the child etc, but I lost my temper. I shouted at her (she didn't care). I picked her up and put her back into bed. She said "don't push me!!!"

She settled for DH eventually when he appeared home. It was fraught and we argued after she was asleep.

I feel utter shite.

To be fair if I wanted to go out and leave him in charge, I could. I just don't really want to right now. I'm tired and demotivated.

I know I can be hard on myself. I always have been. But DD doesn't help when she says things like "don't shout mummy" or "are you cross again mummy?" And it feels unfair because I live for that girl and I make sure we do loads of nice things together, she wants for nothing. And in the end I don't feel like she likes me very much sometimes.

In truth I feel quite disappointed with him this time around. When DD1 was born, he couldn't have done more for us. it's not the same this time.

He needs to lose the selfish ways. The kids will spot it a mile off. He needs to be step up. Find a way to factorin some footie for him but support for you. If he gets footie night 'off' you get equivalent.

You have done the Lioness share of producing the baby and the child, I am guessing you do the Lioness share of the care. So if he loves you and them he can step up. And it will make a man of him. Any boy can end up being a father but he has the role, the pleasure and the responsibility of being a dad.

Of course she does like you! But she's 3, there's so much she can't possibly comprehend and she really won't understand the impact of what she's saying.

You don't have to go out when it's "your time" - your hobby could be sleeping, for example, whilst he deals with both children.

Yeah the fat is baby weight. I'm working on it by getting out with the pram etc but I'm still heavy.

I think skin and hair is just tiredness and hair falling out and starting to regrow etc.

He works full time and I get that he's tired and he needs time to relax. But what about my time to relax? It's the old default parent situation. He does contribute, but yeah, I'm definitely the default.

Hi, my DD was an absolute nightmare at that age. I'm not proud of how often I became cross but, like yours, she was constantly pushing boundaries and no consequences had any impact.

It got better when she started doing half days at school. I think it tired her out so much that she lost some of her ability to maintain her behaviour.

Don't give yourself a hard time. No one has never shouted or raised their voice unless they are either Mary Poppins/the mum off Topsy and Tim/valiumed up to the eyeballs/a daytime Gin drinker. Or any combination of those four 😁

Definitely leave your kids with DH and push off out sometimes. It's what I did to DH when he wasn't grasping the full horror of the situation.

The kids will be fine when you get back. Your DH probably won't though 😉

I think I spent from about 6 months until about 3 and a half with depression, largely due to lack of sleep/hormonal changes.

Can you negotiate with your DH for one night out on your own each and one night out together with a babysitter a week? Would that make you feel more like a team? If he refuses, just keep leaving the kids with him until he actually gets it!

He's not valuing what you're doing in the same way as he's valuing paid work. He can only go out and do his job because you're at home with the children. Ask him to imagine how much it would cost to put both children in childcare if you weren't able to do that. You are working, you are doing the very vital work of caring for your children. You'd think that the father of those children would appreciate that. He may work full time, long hours, but you're on 24/7 shifts no doubt, especially if he isn't doing what he should in the evenings/weekends.

Talk to him, explain how you feel.

"But DD doesn't help when she says things like "don't shout mummy" or "are you cross again mummy?"" She is smart, that is all, she can see you are cross. Sometimes it is OK to say "Yes, I am cross because I was expecting you to do X, Y, Z." BUt at three she is a bit young for all that so just use a very clear, non-shouty voice. I know it is bloody hard. She is too smart to be confused and cajoled by your shouting, you will need to use plain speaking and clear consensuses. For example the thing you are going to show her tomorrow could be her favorite DVD, and if she stay in bed she gets to watch it before lunch or whatever. It is not bribery it is incentivisation. I know it is boring to do all that and in an ideal world I would not bother but with kids sometimes we need to. How about a sticker chart, she stays in bed all week you take her swimming or to soft play while dad looks after baby?

"...it feels unfair because I live for that girl and I make sure we do loads of nice things together, she wants for nothing. And in the end I don't feel like she likes me very much sometimes." Of course she likes you, she loves you, she is just super smart! At 3 my dd said "Why don't you go and live somewhere else and I will live here with dad."

I was heart broken, I longed to hug her and say "love me!" But of course she did, she was just going through a phase, and I gave it no real attention. "I live here too." I said. And after a while she stopped saying it!

She is now 12, like you I live for my kid and adore my dd but she is bloody hard work. But she is sometimes rude etc because she knows she can be with me, and I will love her unconditionally.

I would say as much as possible stop the rude or not nice behavior with consequences BUT praise the good all the time, reward it, fill up on lots of fun times, and activities, lots of affirmation etc.

Think of it from her point of view. YOU and her dad are her world, but now a new squeeling little baby has arrived. Maybe she is feeling insecure. Make your dh step up and make time for your 3 year old just you and her.

XXX She loves you, just as you love her. You are a great mum.

Thank you Italian and to everyone else. This is really helping.

Why is it that they like their dads so much?!

Chicoletta "Why is it that they like their dads so much?!"

I guess it is because they do not see as much of them. There is a novelty factor. But my kids (I have a son too) may love me and dad but if they are ill, or upset etc, they want me. Dad does the fun stuff, he is better at the rough and tumble (in our house) and he can go to soft play and not get stuck in the chute slide (my fat is not just baby fat). BUT they come to me when the chips are down.

Raising kids is honestly the toughest thing but so rewarding (in the long run - or so I am led to believe).

I would suggest you and dh make up, look to the future and work together, it is so much easier but he will need to grow up, there is only room for two kids in the family.

Sounds like you have a "threenager"!

See if anything here helps? www.care.com/c/questions/2908/how-can-we-get-past-threenager-stalling-at-bedtime/

Deffo think your hubby needs to give you equal time off to what he's taking himself though, there are times when it's understandable to over-indulge in "me time", I wouldn't say this is one of them. The kids won't be that size for ever, you need support at this early stage.

Just to add that you are not the only one who has gone through this and it does not go on for ever. I second what a PP has said that putting her back in bed without a word or sign of emotion will work eventually. Difficult to stop what you're doing with the newborn I know but this is where your DH could help. I also put a stairgate across the door to my DC's bedroom as an extra delaying tactic. Also agree you need you time.

I was just about to say stair gate over the door, too.

I now tell my dd if she cannot sleep - to tidy her room!

Oh chicoletta

You’re not a bad mum by any stretch. We all have our breaking points.

Similar boat - ds2 is 3 months. Ds1 went to bed without dinner tonight; he literally will not eat anything unless it’s sweet. Anything. He’s always been fussy but he’s getting worse.

So now my poor baby is asleep with only milk in his tummy and devastated doesn’t come close to how I feel.

So my dear, beat that! It’s clear how much you adore her, but you’re human. Patience can only get you so far, and when it’s gone then it’s gone.

Try to get some sleep, it will be better tomorrow

Three year olds are trying. Very, very trying.

I once put DS back to bed 103 times one night. (I counted) his twin sister lay in bed giggling and egging him on.

Grit your teeth. Silently return her to bed without a word. It’s unbelievably infuriating but they get it eventually.

Get yourself an evening out a week, exercising or seeing friends or a book club or something.

Hand over the D.C. to their Dad on Saturday and take yourself off to get your hair done.

Tell your DH you are struggling and work out a plan. Work together, it’s not a competition.

Just reading your thread reminded me of how easy it is to be a grandmother rather than a mother. My dd and dgd live with me so I see how she can also be difficult for her mother so when she is difficult for me I don't stress about it. When you stress about it all, it makes a bad situation worse. Absolutely no child is perfect.

If you find that she is misbehaving a lot, so you have to tell her off a lot, choose one behaviour at a time to correct and let the others go until you solve that issue.

Chicoletta what you describe is NOT bad parenting. You're dealing with a three-year-old! At this stage of maturity she's facinated with the control she can newly exert over her environment (including other people) but at the same time very frustrated at her limitations, so will want to test her power; she's not very rational and has a limited understanding of cause and consequence, so imposing sanctions or bribery won't always work; she's intensely competitive for your attention so will play up with the arrival of a sibling; and she's programmed to enjoy torturously tedious repetition. She's acting up as a function of the phase she's in, not because you're a bad mother. In fact it's precisely because she's fully secure with you and implicitly regards you as protective and loving that she's able to push you like this - she knows you won't hurt her or stop loving her.

Probably the fact that you're exhausted and never truly off-duty is making this especially difficult. I agree with others that you need time when you aren't in charge of the kids - everyone has to recharge. Then you'll feel more confident as well.

Do you think you'd enjoy something like yoga, either a class or through an online platform? I use yogadownload.com and find the practice a good way to get out of my anxieties. It's also relaxing and healthy for your body, and enhanced balance and flexibility can help with pinning one child down on her bed while juggling a baby in the other arm

You are not a bad mom.
You are reaching out.

Hang in there.
Find a support system, and be patient, and be heartened that your family is a good family, and that all good families have hard days.

Just be strong, be patient with her, be positive.

Be her mom, and be on her side, and encourage her to be the best she can be.

thinking of you!

Oh Op. I feel for you.
I find it so upsetting when I read about people’s husbands who do so little for their wife and children. He might work full time but your job is 24/7. Football shouldn’t be happening at all right now. Maybe I’m a hard ass but I’d have a very firm word about this. My ex was completely shit with housework and kid work and I would never put up with it again. It would be us as a priority or see you later. I’m being serious too. I’d rather be single than taken for granted.

Get a gate for the bedroom door?

I'm smiling at your original post. That was me and my eldest daughter a few years ago. Oh my goodness, she took the p* when it came to bedtime. And yes, like you, I had a newborn - AND a partner who often ran late. One night, I counted ... 62 times she got up. At one point , I was sobbing... had no idea what to do. No advice really... apart from keep doing what you're doing. You will lose it (lots of times if I'm honest!) and you will probably cry BUT things will get better and your little one will be none the worse for it. My eldest is now a well adjusted 8 year old (the kindest kid I've ever come across!) and she remembers nothing! 😂 Keep going OP... you're doing a grand job xxxxx

When you put her back to bed no communication what’s so ever. She’ll get bored eventually if you keep taking her back whilst totally ignoring her. In a calm manner.

Your doing great but she has found your buttons and is pushing them. So don't let her.

Bad mothers don’t care about their children, they take drug overdoses and leave their children to find them, they get drunk to the point on incontinence when in charge of their children, they lock their children in cupboards. You are not a bad mother. You are tired and frustrated.
Agree a stair gate in the door, a firm ‘it’s bedtime’ and no fussing. Three or four nights of returning silently to bed will bring about improvements but it needs patience. Lots of patience. It might be better if her father does it.
Don’t threaten things and not carry them through.
Reward too. So star chart for staying in bed. Prize for five in a row.

Agree with everyone else. What you’re describing isn’t bad parenting! Children can be so frustrating at the age and you’re doing your best. Have a chat with DH. Explain how hard you’re finding it and try to come up with some ways to ease it for you. Does he understand now that your sarky text was because you were at the end of your tether?