To feel like the worst parent tonight?

[Chicoletta]

I'm not in a good place tonight.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't raise children. I can spoil them and love them but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

My DD is nearly three. Tonight DH went out so I was putting her to bed. I also have a newborn and I also had a lot of stuff to do tonight. Like every night. You know how it is.

To cut a long and convoluted story short, DD just refused to stay in her bed. Refused. I kept putting her back in and she just kept getting back out. It was all a game to her. I threatened her with the usual sanctions, removing toys etc, but she just doesn't give a fuck.

She is ruling the roost in here. That's the truth. I don't know how to discipline her. She has always been stubborn and strong willed, but this was something else.

I tried so hard. I was careful with what I said e.g. The behaviour is naughty not the child etc, but I lost my temper. I shouted at her (she didn't care). I picked her up and put her back into bed. She said "don't push me!!!"

She settled for DH eventually when he appeared home. It was fraught and we argued after she was asleep.

I feel utter shite.

So I've been known to turn off the tv the lights everything and send the entire house to bed because ds won't go to bed my dd was 15 at the time and very by being sent to bed he continued to go nuts at me but I firmly shut my bedroom door lay down and slept unfortunately I was so tired and stressed I really did fall asleep funny enough so did he 😂

Maybe you are putting her to bed too early, she doesn't sound tired?

You did well. I’d would have been shouting at mine within about 5 mins. And I mean shouting so loud I’d hurt my throat. You’re very patient. My rule was that they didn’t have to go to sleep, they just had to stay in bed. They could have toys and books in bed with them. It worked most of the time.

Your DH isn’t pulling his weight - so your text was mild. BTW with my second dc, DH was studying part time as well as working full time, but he still knew I was frazzled at the end of the day and he needed to give me a break.
Yelling occasionally will not cause lasting harm and will show your DD that Mummy is human.

One thing I would try is to spend a bit of time with her without the baby if at all possible. Can you put the baby in their crib whilst tucking her in bed (the first time). It might also be useful if she could see the baby isn’t getting all your attention when she gets up in the night.

I think that every parent on the planet has been there, done that. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Are you following through with the threats? So if you are saying you will take a toy the next time she gets out of bed, you take a toy? They do need to see that you are true to your word and any consequences at that age need to be immediate. She will likely scream louder for a time but if you hold out, she will settle.

She’s playing you. She knows that you feel shitty and she has the uncanny 3 year old ability to push exactly the right buttons. The only “right” way to parent a 3 year old is to be consistent. Pick your battles and stick to them. Sit down with DH and figure out what is important and what is negotiable and then present a united front. Before you say “no” to stuff, ask yourself why. If it’s something you are going to end up giving in on, don’t say no in the first place. It’s so hard for all of you, adding a newborn into the mix, especially when the older one isn’t yet at playgroup or school to give you a bit of a break. I would try really hard in the evening to put the baby down for a bit too (I know it’s difficult) and spend some time with DD before she goes to bed, even if it’s just a quick story with just her on your lap. The baby won’t know or care, but your 3 year old will.

If I were you, I’d try a different tack. When your DH is at football, I would get everyone’s PJs on and snuggle on the sofa with a film. When he comes in, he can put her to bed. She is old enough to know that it’s a special treat for when daddy is at football, and it’s not going to ruin her. She’s also old enough to know that it is conditional on her behaving nicely and sitting quietly. You will never look back and wish you had cuddled your kids less or spent less time with them.

You are doing fine! If you feel you aren’t, please speak to your GP. PND is insidious, and it can creep up on you. Don’t ever think it’s ok to feel shit - it’s not, and there is help there if you ask. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life that I wasted over a year of my son’s life with undiagnosed PND.

Maybe your dh needs to give up football for the time being or cut it down to once a week.
Does your 3yo still have a nap? Maybe she’s ready to drop it if she’s not tired cat bedtime? What’s your bedtime routine like?

Wombling has some good advice there.

It seems you’re desperate for her to go to bed as you have more things to do aftewards. This is putting so much pressure on you. Can you get your partner to do any of it? Or can you ignore it and give yourself a break?

Snuggling up and giving three year old back to daddy after football sounds like it might be a sanity saver? And a small recompense for your partner going out and leaving you all twice a week...