Visit Parents vs New Kitchen?

[PossiblyPFB]

Hi all.

Long story short, we have a difficult relationship with my parents, who live abroad, where I am originally from. I have posted about DM before, poss under another username, not sure. DM is on the narc spectrum, controlling, no boundaries etc, and DF is an enabler. I love them very much and I know they love me very much, but it’s an incredibly conflicted love. I don’t think they were always this way, it wasn’t like this when I was growing up.... it’s really been escalating over the past 15 years or so. They are both 70+.

They have flat out refused to travel to see us. —DM has trouble controlling as efficiently when she’s not in her own space— Therefore every year, we dutifully take 2 weeks of our annual leave and visit them.

It costs a huge amount, usually between £5k-£7k, with multiple leg flights for 3, car rental, 2 weeks expenses, activities, etc etc. It adds up fast and we aren’t even extravagant with it. Last time was nearer £7k as had to go stay at a hotel for part of the stay. Going forward we have agreed we will not stay in their home so we can expect a hotel bill to ramp it up.

Every year, with the odd exception, it is miserable and exhausting. We don’t look forward to it (other than the weather & seeing other family & friends). This last time was pretty bad & DD (5) is now avoiding talking to them on the rare Skype we have & also keeps bringing up how unkind they were to us, which I have tried to dispel. I don’t force her to talk to them.

So here is my AIBU. We really need a new kitchen as ours is falling to pieces. DH does not want to go into debt for it, and I agree. The only way to fund it is to use the money earmarked for that trip. I don’t want anything fancy, just functional, so the £5-7k would more than do the job.

AIBU to spend the money on the shiny new kitchen instead of 2 weeks of dutiful misery? It feels like the answer should be easy but I’m feeling conflicted. Thanks.....

YANBU. If they really wanted to see you they would come to you.

Compare how much joy each would give you get decide. ...

Even if you weren't wanting the money for something else I'd be telling you to knock off the visits (not entirely, but every other year or less). If they want to see you more often they can reciprocate (I appreciate in reality they won't).

7k on something you don't enjoy that much is madness. It's not your duty to do this much for parents who won't even visit you.

If they really wanted to see you they would come to you.

Really?

They are both 70+.

However, they wont be here forever. Are you expecting to inherit? >nosey

Your 5yo has noticed they are mean :(
You really aren't selling this trip. You, DH, DD spend 2 weeks of precious annual leave and £7 k to have a miserable time vs get your kitchen done and spend the 2 weeks having a nice time? Decisions, decisions...

Do you just need mumsnet to make you feel less guilty? How about have a family vote. Then it's DH and DD taking responsibility out of your hands!

YABU to spend thousands every year out of obligation.

How would it be if you didn't have 7k lying around to spend? God knows we don't Your parents are incredibly lucky you have that amount of spare cash.

Interest free kitchen is no big deal though. We used Ikea totally fab.

When I opened your thread, I was ready to post along the lines of "time is precious, see your folks etc etc" But after your description, I would say get thee to Howdens/Wickes/Ikea etc quick smart.

In all honestly, this isn't about kitchens. This is about you redrawing the boundaries with your parents to provide an emotionally healthy family environment for your own dd.

Kitchen.

Crazy that they don't consider visiting you - unless there are serious health issues - my parents are in their late 80s and frequently travel overseas.

And seriously reduce the time/money you spend visiting your parents, it is a huge amount to spend.

Kitchen

Dutiful, expensive, and not-fun visit to parents every two years.

New kitchen this year.

Visit to parents next year.
Two weeks of lovely, relaxing, pleasing-yourselves holiday in 2 years.
Visit to parents the following year.

Combined with regular skype calls, you're still being a loving and unselfish daughter, but you and your husband and child also get more wonderful family time together.

You go every year - that is above and beyond (I speak as someone who also lives on other side of the world from my family).

Relax and enjoy your new debt free lovely kitchen.

Stay at home and get the kitchen! It sounds like you'd all breath a sigh of relief once you made the decision not to go. There's always next year and they're not so old that there's a good chance they won't make it.

It's your life OP. Take your DD camping instead this year, and get yourselves a banging kitchen :)

You aren’t selling it to us, OP!

Kitchen. Without a doubt.

They’re lucky you have that money to spend to visit them every year. They can miss a year. Especially if it’s making your poor DD miserable too!

I think I’d reduce the amount of time spent with them next time too, no point forcing it (and costing loads of time and money!!) if you’re all unhappy.

Yeah, give yourselves a year off.

I can't believe you're spending that every year to be miserable. You've done enough - you deserve the kitchen!

To me, it's a no-brainer. Get the kitchen.

If you enjoyed your time going to them, then I could understand your guilt, but even your DD now doesn't want to speak to them. Why would you force her to spend two weeks with them.

If they can't be decent people, to the extent that a five year old notices, then you have nothing to be guilty about.

Go and get those kitchen brochures.

There aren’t any health issues, they are both quite spry-

splinterz haha, no, not particularly- and the women especially in my family seem to live forever. For the last year they have been caring for DGM who is well over 90, but she should be in alternative care fairly soon. So that has been a single very good reason they couldn’t travel over the last year. (Last time they came to the UK it was just my DM and I was pg with DD)

They frequently say they can’t leave their dog.

They are former world travellers so it’s not a fear or unfamiliarity thing.

finoula - yes. You’re right on your last point I suspect

YANBU

Even if your parents were the most lovely caring non-narc parents then spending that amount of time and money every year is beyond what I think most people would do (ok only taken from a sample of two friends I know with parents in Australia - it is every 2-3 years max).

Given that it isn't even a joy-filled time when you get there and can't afford to do it without sacrificing other significant thing then...yes, definitely YANBU. A lot of people simply wouldn't be able to afford to do that every year, sacrifices or not.

I would recommend seeing a counsellor about your FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt). I did something similar (although not at that kind of cost!) for two decades and my counsellor was...aghast (well, at least pretended to be). So am I looking back.

For god's sakes woman, get the kitchen. Life is too short to spend nearly £70,000 over the course of 10 years visiting people you don't like. Think about that. That's enough to pay for your daughter's education plus add to your pensions. Screw that martyrdom noise.

I'd opt for the kitchen this year and go back for a visit next year. There's no point going every year if you're keeping in regular skype contact, especially as it's so hard work/expensive. I'm assuming there's no health issues with either of them?

My sister moved abroad 5 years ago and has only had two visits to see our parents since then but speaks to them every week.

Tell us about your kitchen plans OP. I love a good design thread.

Kitchen.

Is it an option for you to visit them on your own one year, maybe just for one week? Then you're not subjecting the whole family to a tense fortnight, plus it'll be lots cheaper.

If it were me (and I also live away from home country but luckily relationship with parents is easy and they loved visiting) ...

I'd do the kitchen. Then I'd do a quick trip back by myself to see them - maybe 3 or 4 days. It would be a lot cheaper, you could probably stay with them for that time, your kids wouldn't be disrupted and you wouldn't use all your holidays.

Kitchen every time. But as someone says its not really about a kitchen its about your relationship with them and how to manage it. Why would you want to spend money and time with people that make you miserable?

I’d voted for Kitchen just by reading the title of your post ! £7k for a miserable two weeks - ditch the parents, have your kitchen & your sanity !