Visit Parents vs New Kitchen?

[PossiblyPFB]

Hi all.

Long story short, we have a difficult relationship with my parents, who live abroad, where I am originally from. I have posted about DM before, poss under another username, not sure. DM is on the narc spectrum, controlling, no boundaries etc, and DF is an enabler. I love them very much and I know they love me very much, but it’s an incredibly conflicted love. I don’t think they were always this way, it wasn’t like this when I was growing up.... it’s really been escalating over the past 15 years or so. They are both 70+.

They have flat out refused to travel to see us. —DM has trouble controlling as efficiently when she’s not in her own space— Therefore every year, we dutifully take 2 weeks of our annual leave and visit them.

It costs a huge amount, usually between £5k-£7k, with multiple leg flights for 3, car rental, 2 weeks expenses, activities, etc etc. It adds up fast and we aren’t even extravagant with it. Last time was nearer £7k as had to go stay at a hotel for part of the stay. Going forward we have agreed we will not stay in their home so we can expect a hotel bill to ramp it up.

Every year, with the odd exception, it is miserable and exhausting. We don’t look forward to it (other than the weather & seeing other family & friends). This last time was pretty bad & DD (5) is now avoiding talking to them on the rare Skype we have & also keeps bringing up how unkind they were to us, which I have tried to dispel. I don’t force her to talk to them.

So here is my AIBU. We really need a new kitchen as ours is falling to pieces. DH does not want to go into debt for it, and I agree. The only way to fund it is to use the money earmarked for that trip. I don’t want anything fancy, just functional, so the £5-7k would more than do the job.

AIBU to spend the money on the shiny new kitchen instead of 2 weeks of dutiful misery? It feels like the answer should be easy but I’m feeling conflicted. Thanks.....

Kitchen. But tell them you can't afford to visit them because your kitchen's unsafe and needs replacing immediately - stop them guilting you into visiting anyway, and maybe that's the jolt they need to come to you.

Not that that's necessarily a desirable outcome for you, but one problem at a time hey.

kitchen.

YANBU kitchen everytime!

When I opened your thread, I was ready to post along the lines of "time is precious, see your folks etc etc" But after your description, I would say get thee to Howdens/Wickes/Ikea etc quick smart.

My thoughts EXACTLY!

Kitchen, definitely. Could you have a quick trip on your own next year, without the whole family?

Kitchen. And the next year a family holiday with your DD. You are enabling your mother, too, by subjecting your daughter to her when even your DD can tell she's an unkind narc. Tell them the truth, you're not coming anymore because of their behaviour.

Get over to the Stately Homes threads, too.

coxxoc thank you I will look that up. I have trouble remembering everything that’s happened, it’s as if my mind suppresses it. I now try to ensure that DH witnesses it. Last time they were very critical (unforgivably so) of lovely DD to both of us. Which is why we left abruptly.

Kitchen it is then..... I’m now not looking forward to telling DM that we are - cue the next guilt trip.

Thanks everyone

Start planning your gorgeous shiny new kitchen immediately, it will give you pleasure every day for years. And also immediately, tell them you can’t come to see them this year and then let go of the angst, and focus on your family and kitchen. You’ll be amazed how much lighter you feel

In your case I would go for the kitchen.

Put in higher boundaries for yourselves as of now; you can and should stop using your annual leave to go visit them. You go out of a combination of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt); please for your sake find a decent therapist to deal with this and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships pages of this site. Your DD is perceptive and is not wrong with regards to your parents at all. Am not surprised whatsoever to find that your visits to them are full of misery. They trained you well to serve them and from childhood to boot. I would suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

You do not need such toxic people like your parents in your life; they were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not fundamentally altered since then. It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist in any event and like all narcissistic women she has a willing enabler in the shape of your dad to help her.

Kitchen.

'I’m now not looking forward to telling DM that we are - cue the next guilt trip. '

Do get over to the Stately Homes threads. She has you operating under FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It's damaging to your DD so it needs to stop. She won't accept that it's her behaviour that's the issue, but you can point it out to her and then leave off. I wouldn't go there again, tbh, if they were awful to my child. I really wouldn't. It's my duty to protect my children.

@Finola1step In all honestly, this isn't about kitchens. This is about you redrawing the boundaries with your parents to provide an emotionally healthy family environment for your own dd.

This is incredibly insightful advice. I urge you to take it.

Kitchen

Even if you had a close relationship with your dps, that’s a lot of money and you have a right to maintain your own home. Don’t go and enjoy your new kitchen.

Split the money. There is no need for you all to go so
You go over for one week on your own. Oh takes leave from work to see to kids and oversee new kitchen installation.
You come home to a new kitchen.

Get the kitchen!

Please, get some distance and boundaries from your mother. Don't go for a week. Put your own family first.

Kitchen. You could always over egg the pudding a bit - say yours is actually falling apart and will be unliveable soon and you have no choice.

expat I will check it out. And also FOG as well, it’s not something I’m familiar with.

And YES - 100% agreed, protecting our DD is at the top of our agenda. We packed our stuff & took her out of bed and left at 10pm into the night, googling hotels as we drove rather than stay another minute in their house last time.

Among other stuff They accused her of “being manipulative, selfish etc, just like me” told my Dh that he has a “problem” on his hands with both of us. His response in the moment was legendary and reaffirms why I will love him forever. They have apologised, but mainly because we played hardball. They have behaved since.

She is the only grandchild, it’s sad.

Glad you chose the kitchen.

Tell them that unless they are willing to pay for your trip that you can't afford both.

Say your goodbyes if the guilt trips start. I always find it easier to deal with them long distance, as we can reply when we want.

If your parents were the sweetest and loveliest people on this planet you would visit them one year and they would visit you the next. They are far from being this so it is not appropriate for you to have to double what you would otherwise spend on these visits by paying to go every year. Buy the kitchen. Go and see them the following year if that is possible.

Every year, with the odd exception, it is miserable and exhausting.

Why on earth do you do it?

New kitchen 100%

I disagree with splitting the money. Going over brings unhappiness to the entire family. She should stay at home and have a lovely kitchen.

On second thoughts, do tell them that after the last visit they are very low on your priority list anyway.