Visit Parents vs New Kitchen?

[PossiblyPFB]

Hi all.

Long story short, we have a difficult relationship with my parents, who live abroad, where I am originally from. I have posted about DM before, poss under another username, not sure. DM is on the narc spectrum, controlling, no boundaries etc, and DF is an enabler. I love them very much and I know they love me very much, but it’s an incredibly conflicted love. I don’t think they were always this way, it wasn’t like this when I was growing up.... it’s really been escalating over the past 15 years or so. They are both 70+.

They have flat out refused to travel to see us. —DM has trouble controlling as efficiently when she’s not in her own space— Therefore every year, we dutifully take 2 weeks of our annual leave and visit them.

It costs a huge amount, usually between £5k-£7k, with multiple leg flights for 3, car rental, 2 weeks expenses, activities, etc etc. It adds up fast and we aren’t even extravagant with it. Last time was nearer £7k as had to go stay at a hotel for part of the stay. Going forward we have agreed we will not stay in their home so we can expect a hotel bill to ramp it up.

Every year, with the odd exception, it is miserable and exhausting. We don’t look forward to it (other than the weather & seeing other family & friends). This last time was pretty bad & DD (5) is now avoiding talking to them on the rare Skype we have & also keeps bringing up how unkind they were to us, which I have tried to dispel. I don’t force her to talk to them.

So here is my AIBU. We really need a new kitchen as ours is falling to pieces. DH does not want to go into debt for it, and I agree. The only way to fund it is to use the money earmarked for that trip. I don’t want anything fancy, just functional, so the £5-7k would more than do the job.

AIBU to spend the money on the shiny new kitchen instead of 2 weeks of dutiful misery? It feels like the answer should be easy but I’m feeling conflicted. Thanks.....

Kitchen - and do it now while they're still in good health. It'll be trickier on the guilt-front when one of them starts failing.

OP, what would their response be if you said you couldn't afford? Realistically if they don't come over they won't know about the kitchen, will they? If you said you needed a new car or the roof had blown off etc they wouldn't know, would they? Would they offer the money so that you could go over there?

Last time they were very critical (unforgivably so) of lovely DD to both of us. Which is why we left abruptly

They were so awful to your little girl that (a) you up sticks-ed and moved to a hotel, and (b) your little girl STILL remembers it to the point that she herself doesn't want to talk to them on Skype from the safety and security of her own home?

Why are you even talking to them? have they acknowledged what they did that was so bad? Guessing not. Betting that history has been re-written and you have been sucked back in close ready for more punishment, Right?

The other thing I want to say here is that your savvy 5yo is showing you how hurt she was and is and you are teaching her to suck it up. Just as you have been taught to by your DF.

PLEASE stop the skypes? please stop minimising what was done to you and your little girl?

"Sorry mum, after last year we've re-evaluated how we spend our money and precious family time. We're making other plans for this year "

Mum, that's our decision and you won't change it.

My friend lives in Oz her parents in the UK, they can't all afford or want to do the journey every year. She does it alone every 18 months for a week.

I would get the kitchen and reduce the visits to one person, one week, once a year or 18 months.

Kitchen. A nice one and two weeks of a proper holiday.

I’m now not looking forward to telling DM that we are

So don't specifically tell her. If she asks just say 'no we don't have the money this year what with the money we have had to spend on the house' and leave it at that.

Kitchen.

I'd use money and school holiday prices as excuse not to visit every year too. If they offer the cash - well you at least still get your kitchen.

Kitchen.

And, we'll need diagrams.....

Uh, kitchen.

They will treat her as they treat you OP. is that what you want for her?

No, didn't think so. she's lucky she has you and her dad. I know you probably had nobody to protect you until now.

I didnt need to read about the kitchen to decide you shouldnt bother with visiting them - Skype them instead - cheaper to pay for internet and an ipad if they dont have the equipment.

Your dh has been very supportive in using his holiday time and money to visit your family despite their unpleasant attitude. It is not reasonable to expect him to continue to do this every year at the expense of other things that your family needs.
Your parents know that you left after an argument last time. Skipping your visit this year may make the point, better than you could make it with words, that they cannot expect to behave badly and still command your time/money.
When telling her, just keep a cheerful tone and keep saying "yes, it's such a shame but we cannot come. Yes, I wish we could afford to replace the kitchen and visit, but we can't. I quite agree but that's not an option etc..etc...ad nauseum" Don't get drawn into big discussions about it. You cannot reason with the unreasonable. Good luck op.

Loving parents don’t treat their children and grandchildren the way your parents treat you, OP. Nor do they choose caring for their dog over visiting their child nd grandchild. Nor do they expect their child to spend a fortune on visiting them, and guilt-trip them if they can’t.

You deserve so much better than this - and for that, you need to set boundaries on how your parents treat you, and I think choosing a new kitchen over visiting your narcissistic mum and enabling dad, so they can make you and your child unhappy is a no-brainier.

Enjoy your new kitchen - and DON’T let your parents make you feel guilty!

Kitchen, we saved hard for a few years to afford a kitchen extension, I even said at one stage let's just use some of the saved money to go on holiday but the DCs refused, they knew how life changing the kitchen would be.

We did it 4 years ago and I love that kitchen, as does everybody else in the house. It brings us joy daily.

For that reason alone, prioritise your kitchen. And yes, wander over to the stately homes thread.

Protect your daughter, I wish our parents had. We visited our Grandma every 2 weeks and she was awful, sniping at us all the time, telling us how much better behaved our cousins were (they weren't, they were feral.) She put us down, criticised us and generally made our lives awful.

Kitchen definitely.

Kitchen this year. Them next year, maybe. (Or a holiday you'll enjoy). But definitely new kitchen before everything else.

100% kitchen.

If you do ever get guilted into going there, tell them you have no money and they would need to fund the flights and hotels.

Just wandered over to Stately Homes, and so much yes !

I can’t linger there as a) I’m in public and it made me feel like crying & b) it feels like I need a large glass of red to go with it!

I will post kitchen diagram when I get one!

Kitchen. Absolutely. I’m in a similar position - live 3000 miles away from my parents, burn through cash and annual leave to visit them and my mother is vile to me while my father enables her. He even said that I should allow her to put me down and criticize me, as it makes her so happy

We’re now not visiting unless we have another reason to go over- the last two years we’ve had weddings to go to, so we’ve just tacked on a few days seeing my parents on top of that. We stayed with them a week on this trip and that was for too long.

Do the kitchen, enjoy it and limit your visits to every other year or special occasions. You don’t deserve to be treated badly when you’ve made such an effort.

Blimey, not a difficult decision given that info. Kitchen.

My parents are 80 this year and still travelling so without serious health issues (your GM aside) there's no excuse for coming to see you on alternate years.

Some friends of my parents have one daughter in Aus and the other in Singapore, so every year they do one trip that takes in both of them. Another friend visits her daughter in Aus every year at the age of 90.

My sister has just got a fab Howdens kitchen for 8 grand all in - I was very sniffy about it initially but it's lovely.

Yep, definitely time to make changes. The fact your dd remembers meanness suggests it’s very bad. My parents played mind games, but only on me. Mostly they were ok with dc and dh - though there was dc1’s first Christmas which made dh refuse to go back for Christmas (so we’ve had lovely Christmases at home since!!).

You need a new kitchen, but also now that dd is older she’d prefer different sorts of holidays. Can you reduce the length of the trip for every other year? I know travel is probably the biggest element of the cost, but maybe you can see them for 7-10 days and stop somewhere else en route? Dh or dd might express an interest in seeing a particular place en route? Also, can you afford to not stay in their house? If you can, try to stay in a guest house-type place or with other relatives.

Kitchen.

Duty visits where even the child of the parents being visited are fucking awful.

sorry, where even the child...doesn't enjoy it...

op please be brave and tell your DM that you want to take a break from visiting this year, rather than not being able to afford both visit and kitchen. Otherwise she might go and scare up some cash and insist you take it, so you can do both. She'll then get to pretend she paid for your kitchen AND your trip forever.

Hard as this is, you need to make it clear that it's not really about the money. That way they can't 'fix' it for you