To just want this to go away?

[passmetheketchup]

I’m depressed. I know I am. I’m not myself anymore. I feel empty and numb. Everything seems a bit unreal. Like I’m living in someone else’s. I’m normally so happy and fairly organised. No I’m sad, low, miserable and numb. My partner has started to ask questions and I just know my eldest knows I’m not right at the moment. The poor child only wants to talk about what he wants for Christmas and I just can’t be bothered. If I can be bothered to talk about it then it’s forced conversation and he probably jno s my heart isn’t in the conversation. I want to care but I’m all honestly I just don’t. It hurts to even write that but it’s true. I’m emotional and crying over anything. This morning I cried whilst driving the children to school. I waved my eldest off with tears running down my face so no doubt he will have a shit day at school. I don’t know what prompted me to cry- maybe it was one of those mornings. I then sobbed all the way to work but hav come in with my cheerful smile and put on my happy face. I’ve been to the toilet for a cry a couple of times. Today is a really low day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the GP. I don’t want to sit and sob in front of a stranger.

@EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans
I really want to get better. I just don’t know why I’m so reluctant to do anything about it. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what’s what at the moment. I don’t understand how I can be ok(ish) one day and so numb the next. I’m definitely not feeling suicidal or wanting to harm myself. I just asked as I’ve been thinking a lot about depression as a whole today. Wondering what make people who are depressed go from ‘just’ being depressed to suicidal/self-harming. 

There's no such thing as "just" being depressed, you're a bit depressed or you're more depressed but you're still depressed - it's a spectrum disorder basically. Different degrees of it have different features. Suicidal thoughts come with more serious depression, and suicidal ideation (plans, attempts etc) is very serious depression. But it's still depression.

Suicidal thoughts are actually pretty common as a feature of not so severe depression, they refer to it as "intrusive thoughts". If you do experience it it's important to understand that it is just a thought, even though it's a frightening one.

Pass

You know you need help & that's a really big step. I'm very glad you're not at the stage I was (and I'm living proof that there IS light at the end of the tunnel) but please, make that appointment. We're all behind you!

Sorry you are feeling this way, can I ask how old you are?

@EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans I promise I will speak to the GP on Monday. Thank you so much. I’m so glad you’re better x

@pickleypockley I’m 32

Ah I only asked as the menopause can you make you feel like this, but I would say not at your age. Definitely make sure you book again to see the gp, the sooner you do the sooner you will be on track to your normal self xx

ketchup, I've been there. Always got me mid November and I'd be able to cope again in early March - so I was interested if you had noticed a similar pattern in yourself.

Mine was a combination of situational childhood-caused anxiety. All of the things you have described, crying in the toilets at work, having no interest, feeling numb and disengaged, being anxious, a general feeling of dread... I used to have that every single winter. I used to talk to myself to get through the shopping, force myself to stay in the supermarket.

How it turned into the suicidal type of depression I think was getting so tired of the constant struggle to get through another day feeling like that. Heart thumping on the street, feeling outside of everything in company, not feeling safe. It became a terrible struggle to go through another day. I used to think if I could just make it to Christmas, the days would start getting longer and I'd see the end was in sight, but one year I just got worse. I just wanted it all to stop. I told my friend and DP and they brought me to the GP.

Medication was life changing. I was on Lexapro - this was prior to the availability of generics - and the GP said it was up to me whether to take them or not. My DP had booked a weekend in Paris around the 3rd week of January and I wanted to be well for that - naive view of magic pills! - but it gave me initiative. I also went for counselling and I remember thinking this is the first time anyone is actually going to help me. I was fine by March but GP advised me to stay on medication as he said there is a better chance of depression not reoccurring if you're on them for a lengthier time. I came off them the following March but needed them again in November. Kept that pattern for a few years. I never had any kind of side effects or withdrawal symtoms.

I'm not on any medication now. Looking back I know I was unhappy, but in denial about it, and able to cope during the summer months. But the lack of sunlight tipped me over the edge in winter.

And people who I told were amazed, as usually so strong, positive, cheerful etc.

Please go to your GP. I have no idea why I didn't go years before (I did try once but different GP said anyone would be upset by what I described and I failed to describe how upset I was). I wish I'd got help sooner. It would have saved me so much suffering.

for you.

I feel neither better or worse. Perhaps a bit anxious for Monday. It was the way it is affecting my young children that urged me to go see the gp. They don’t need to see their mum crying and being angry all the time.

Thank you, pass. MN helped me get through it too! Xx

@passme How does it feel to be depressed? My brain felt as if it was shutting down, almost as if I was a zombie and my world became smaller and smaller. At times I felt absolutely nothing, at times I cried about everything - good, bad or happy, it made me cry. In retrospect the most frightening thing was that killing myself seemed to be a really, really good idea. It was a logical, sensible thing to do, after all I was a worry to others, a waste of space, a total failure! I was lucky because at the times those feeling were worst I was at my most apathetic and couldn't get the focus to actually do anything about it. I lost years of my life to untreated depression, years I will never get back. Please listen to the other posters and see your GP. I think this has gone beyond unhappiness and you need some help. You do not have to feel like this. Please.

Wondering how you are, ketchup.

@DogMa1 Thank you for sharing your experience. I will hopefully see my GP today.

@Apileofballyhoo I had the day off from work yesterday and it was fine. O went shopping, went for some coffee and got some jobs done. I had a good day in fact. By the evening I started to feel anxious again. But today, it’s back and I’m finding every possible reason not to go to work. I wish I had a good reason not to go. I don’t understand why. My job isn’t stressful and like the people I work with but it just seems so difficult to get there at the moment. I have to leave in 45 minutes. No beds are made, we haven’t had breakfast and we are all in our pyjamas still. How can one I be ok one day and then like this the next?

It's the illness, not you. Depression, even mild depression, affects your thought processes. Unless you've been there you have no idea what a nasty illness it is.

I'm not sure myself, but I used to also have ok days and awful days. How did things go yesterday in the end?
I didn't see your update till now.