To just want this to go away?

[passmetheketchup]

I’m depressed. I know I am. I’m not myself anymore. I feel empty and numb. Everything seems a bit unreal. Like I’m living in someone else’s. I’m normally so happy and fairly organised. No I’m sad, low, miserable and numb. My partner has started to ask questions and I just know my eldest knows I’m not right at the moment. The poor child only wants to talk about what he wants for Christmas and I just can’t be bothered. If I can be bothered to talk about it then it’s forced conversation and he probably jno s my heart isn’t in the conversation. I want to care but I’m all honestly I just don’t. It hurts to even write that but it’s true. I’m emotional and crying over anything. This morning I cried whilst driving the children to school. I waved my eldest off with tears running down my face so no doubt he will have a shit day at school. I don’t know what prompted me to cry- maybe it was one of those mornings. I then sobbed all the way to work but hav come in with my cheerful smile and put on my happy face. I’ve been to the toilet for a cry a couple of times. Today is a really low day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the GP. I don’t want to sit and sob in front of a stranger.

Op you sound exactly in the place I was 8 months ago. I was bursting into tears and in emotional pain. I couldn’t listen to music or anything without feeling like breaking down. It was debilitating. I went to the GP, burst out crying and she recognised my anxiety immediately and prescribed Sertraline. Felt sea sick for 1 day but they have really worked. It’s like they’ve opened up the happy compartments in my head again. It took a lot of guts and bravery for me to go To the GP but she was so lovely and once I did it I thought “why didn’t I do this years ago?”.

@passmetheketchup How did it go today? I
Meant to come back to the thread yesterday but illness got me.

Little steps is the only way forward here. As I said before, make the appointment and hug dc. That’s enough for 1 day.

Hi OP,

How are you feeling today? Did you manage to make an appointment? I just wanted to say hi.

Hi there.

You are going brilliantly, you are a great mum, you just need a little helping hand (we ALL do every now and then)

I was feeling exactly as you are.
I resisted going on any medication for over a year, it scared me.

I finally accepted I need help more than I can get from lifestyle changes.

Two weeks I have now been on a low dose of antidepressants and it has surprised me to start beginning to feel my old happy positive self already, I am looking forward to being back on full form.

I hope your GP visit goes well.

Thank you for checking in on me. It’s funny. Today I feel much better. I almost feel like I don’t need an appt but I know that today is a good day and days like yesterday are not normal. The ‘not normal’ days are becoming a more regular than the ‘good days’. I’ve asked for a telephone call from the duty GP which will be later on this afternoon. I’m going to explain how I’ve been feeling. The citralopram really helped last time so hopefully I will get prescribed it again. I may take a few days off work next week if I get them (I had headaches and blurry vision for the first few days on citralopram last time) and I’m going to talk to my managers about how I’ve been feeling. I’m feeling strong today but also scared as I know all too well I could come crashing down again tomorrow. It’s strange because the days where I don’t go to work I do feel better, my job isn’t stressful but it’s the pressure of getting there on time (I know that sounds silly) and getting everything sorted before, getting DC to school etc.

These kind words mean so much to me.

I think just knowing you have a plan can help. You're taking control.

Well done OP. Take advantage of a good day to push through and get things moving.

Your stress doesn’t sound silly to me. When my anxiety is playing up, I get really focused on getting places very early to enable me to park my car. I don’t know why - my car is tiny and I am quite good at parking but the possibility of not getting a space / being unable to actually park in a space The mind is odd - I think you’d be surprised how many of us deal with worries like this.

Try not to focus on Christmas. If it works great, but it might be worth to scale down for Christmas this year. Also it can provide relieve to be prepared to cancel it, if you really don't feel up to it. Your kid might be happier with a cup of hot chocolate, a nice gift and a mother who is relaxed than a whole big affair that drives one of his parents to tears.

The reaction of your partner worries me, OP. Is he generally unsupportive? This has got nothing to do with old fashioned attitudes and everything to do with him thinking he knows better than trained medical professionals. Are their other areas of your life about which he makes scathing/sarcastic remarks?

I used to suffer from deep melancholia or depression as others call it - regularly - from November to January. I was diagnosed with vitamin D deficiency and told to get out in the sunshine as much as possible. You can get those natural light lamps.

This is my second November of feeling normal after taking vitamin D supplements and spending what time I can spare outdoors.

Remember that the way you are feeling is keeping you from getting better — like you have an illness that has made you so sick you can't face going to the GP.

Ask yourself what you would say to someone you love who was in your position. Then do that.

And good luck, OP.

Do hope things went well this afternoon. I've been in a similar place to you and it's awful. Medication helped me (still does) and is infinitely better than feeling so dreadful. If your partner is less than understanding why not come back here for support - most Mumsnetters are lovely and several have been in a similar place.

@DogMa1 I’m ashamed to say I cancelled my appointment. I honestly felt so much better yesterday and thought I was just being over the top by saying I think I’m depressed. Today, I don’t feel happy and don’t feel sad. I just feel a bit empty. Like there’s no substance to anything. My conversations and smiles are forced. I just want to sit and do nothing.

@counterpoint Thank you- that’s something for me to consider.

@InternetHoopJumper

My partner is otherwise supportive. After his reaction when I opened up to him about how I was feeling I don’t feel I can talk to him this time. I know I’m distancing myself from him which isn’t helping. He’s otherwise loving and caring. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with it when I spoke to him last time so tried to make in a non-issue if that makes sense?

I’m ashamed to say I cancelled my appointment.

Book another one.

For your sake & your family's sake, you really want to deal with your illness before it gets more serious.

I’ve had severe depression. You need to see GP and medication might be the route you need. Don’t dismiss it outright. It doesn’t have to be forever.

Please book s other appointment and keep it. You need to get backing control of your life. My friends husband has depression and *won't see a doctor. It's hugely frustrating.

If your leg was hanging off you would be in an ambulance, if you were having a different t medical emergency you would be down A and E, and if you needed glasses you would see an optician. Why is this different!

Please do not struggle on alone when help is there. You owe it to your child, partner and most of all yourself.

Book another appointment

Try to have positive, productive weekend

Go for a walk, cook something nice, watch a film with snacks as a family, prep a bit for Christmas.

One step at a time.

It’s so easy to keep sinking. Rise a little every day

I saw my gp about being depressed yesterday. I have been putting it off for months (maybe even years). I start CBT on Monday so fingers crossed that’s the first step to the old me. Please make another appointment Ketchup.

@lightcola Good on you. How did your appt go? How are you feeling today?

@glitterbiscuits Thank you for the advice. I definitely feel like I’m sinking today. We went out for a walk and a bit of lunch and then popped in for a coffee with family. It should have been a lovely day but I feel emotionless- almost robotic.

For others who have had depression. How did you feel at your lowest? What made you take the step and see your GP?

Bluntly? My ex more or less dragged me there after I'd tried to kill myself. I still have burn & cut scars.

Life's better now than I could ever have imagined but Pass, that's why I'm urging you to do get help now.