To just want this to go away?

[passmetheketchup]

I’m depressed. I know I am. I’m not myself anymore. I feel empty and numb. Everything seems a bit unreal. Like I’m living in someone else’s. I’m normally so happy and fairly organised. No I’m sad, low, miserable and numb. My partner has started to ask questions and I just know my eldest knows I’m not right at the moment. The poor child only wants to talk about what he wants for Christmas and I just can’t be bothered. If I can be bothered to talk about it then it’s forced conversation and he probably jno s my heart isn’t in the conversation. I want to care but I’m all honestly I just don’t. It hurts to even write that but it’s true. I’m emotional and crying over anything. This morning I cried whilst driving the children to school. I waved my eldest off with tears running down my face so no doubt he will have a shit day at school. I don’t know what prompted me to cry- maybe it was one of those mornings. I then sobbed all the way to work but hav come in with my cheerful smile and put on my happy face. I’ve been to the toilet for a cry a couple of times. Today is a really low day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the GP. I don’t want to sit and sob in front of a stranger.

OP, just print off this thread and hand it to your GP, then they can read how bad it's got. LAst night, I could have written your OP; you're not the only person struggling like this.

I know that my problems are made worse by not knowing many people and struggling in the evening to have time to get out. I only manage it once a month and don't have close friends. Is this an issue for you as well - you mention your DP but no other family / friends?

Tell your DC that you're feeling a bit down, so they know. I sit with DS in the dark at the end of the day and he tells me about his day. IT just needs me to sit and stroke his head but he goes off to sleep reassured. We didn't get a chance last night and it felt grim. It's a nice habit to get in to (apologies if your oldest is 17 and has no interest in being stroked by his mum).

you look better when you smile.Everytime. ....but,i know only too well how impossible that can seem. You don't have to "loose control"by visiting the doctor and requesting help. it doesn't have to be medication. (everyone is different,i have been on\off it for years and honestly wouldn't suggest anyone seeks that).you are clearly aware that you've reached a point where your're reality is disturbing you\disrupting you and yours.Thats a big deal. So are you. Love yourself enough to find help.godluck x

OP depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. If you were a diabetic no one would think you weak for taking insulin. Why should it be any different for taking tablets to help alleviate your depression. Your DP has not helped you at all with his attitude towards this problem. Please do not listen to him, go to the gp (they are used to people crying in front of them) tell him/her what you’ve said on here and get some tablets to help in the short term and ask for a referral for counselling.

Your DP sounds ridiculous with his outdated and ignorant attitudes to mental health - please don’t take his word on anything. Now there is so much more awareness of depression and the issues around it, can he really still think depression is just about feeling a bit crap when things go wrong/life is ok so get in with it. That’s poor.

Your GP will be able to help. At my local surgery, 1 in 4 appts are for a mental not physical health issue so crying/distressed/confused patients are very common, don’t be embarrassed at all. Writing it down beforehand is a very good tip. The meds’ are SO much better these days too and your GP should have a plan for weaning you off sensibly once you are in a better place - never just stop, always phase down.

Online the Blurt Foundation has some good supportive articles and yes the Samaritans are always there. You deserve this help. You can do this.

You need to talk to a professional, OP.

So sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I have been there. Tears just used to well up and everything was hopeless and I was lifeless and couldn't speak for days. I had nothing to give.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can rebuild and find joy without feeling shitty. You just have to reach out for help first.

I am so sorry your DP is so unsupportive and ignorant.

Do you have a trusted and reliable friend? A real friend, not just a "colleague" or "chat at the school gates" type? Someone you can just let it all go with?

If you are crying at work, someone will notice. I recommend having a quiet word with your line manager saying that you are not feeling very good and you hope they know you are committed to your work and are just struggling at the moment. The last thing you need is gossiping amongst colleagues and "being called in for a chat". I know. I've been there. With hindsight, I wish I'd confronted my behaviour at work before they confronted me with it. It honestly is better in the long run.

@Undercoverbanana Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I think my DP is just uneducated when it comes to mental health. I’m sure he thinks people struggling with the mental health or on medication are just that -‘Mental’ and need to get a grip.

Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends. Not nearby anyway. Even if I did I don’t think at this moment in time I could talk to anyone.

The thing that makes me feel worse is that I’m so up and down. Crying alone one minute and I can get back to work and get on with it. People have noticed my puffy eyes at work. They ask me if I’m ok, I say ‘I’m fine’ and it’s left. The funny thing is I can join in with the conversations and get involved and forget how I’m feeling for a minute and then all of a sudden it will hit me again. It’s just hit me again now that I’m finished work and making my way home. Mornings are the time when I’m at my absolute worst.

If the Citalopram helped, then that's good. Becuase you know that you have a good chance of them helping you again. If you can make an appointment with your GP, and get yourself there, you'll only have to either show him or her this thread or say you need Citalopram again and all should go well from there.

Medications when you're depressed can be life-saving. I hope you get the help you need.

@OnTheRise Thank you. I didn’t even think of just going in and asking for them again. Hopefully my GP won’t probe me too much that way as they can see by my records how I felt before. I feel better about going already. Will see if they can fit me in tomorrow so I can get myself better.

Good for you, Pass. Just doing this thread was a really big step.

If it helps, I cried buckets on that first visit. My GP didn't bat an eyelid, I think it just reiterated that I really needed the help.

From you have said perhaps it’s the lack of local friends and family that makes you feel isolated, a DP who doesn’t do emotional support - no wonder you are struggling.

Take the drugs again and when you feel better than you do now look at trying to build some closer friendships? A good start would be being a bit more open with your colleagues and just telling them that being part of the chit chat does help.

Passme, your GP might well ask you a few questions but once you've said what you need, it will be a lot easier. And as I said, you could just pass them a note, or show them this thread--anything to get the message across.

It must be so hard for you, living with someone who isn't supportive or kind. I hope your GP is understanding. Most of them are great.

And ask them to check your vitamin D levels when you see your GP as low Vit D is really common and really affects mood and resilience

You need antidepressants. Best thing I ever did.

or could you be perimenopausal? (average age mid 40's apparently)

Depression is awful thing I suffer with it also, my partner gets really annoyed with me and takes it personal as tho he's failing me. He can't seem to understand when nothing is going wrong why I feel so low, I don't understand it either but hay that's depression for you.
Please seek some help it really does the world of difference. The drs deal with this sort of stuff daily. Please for your family and yourself seek some help

Have you changed contraceptives recently op?

thats th point op u felt better because your were taking the meds!

alot of partners dont undrstand mine included although he shouldnt tell u not to take medication
glad you'll be seeking some help again one step at a time

"It probably doesn’t help that my GP surgery is my place of work."

Would you hesitate to see your GP if you had a skin rash or a chronic sore throat?
This illness is not your fault. There's no shame in having it. Please get help.

Go to a doctor!! I don't understand why people still have such a weird attitude to depression. It's a illness. If you had a physical illness you would go to the doctor and take medication. It's the same, only it's not physical. Don't be afraid of getting help! It's an illness, get it treated!!!

I'd have a serious think about changing gp I mean if your concerned about ur privacy it's the best option

Same as PP. I had anxiety and depression for six months. Was so ashamed and terrified. Went to the Dr who put me on Citalopram immediately. Within two weeks I was a completely different person. I’m on a very low dose but it’s made ALL the difference. I’m now the best version of me I can be.

There is absolutely no shame in asking for help my love.

You might well sob your heart out when you see your GP. Sometimes that's part of the process.

It beats crying while you drive your child to school, it really does.

Please see the GP and be honest with him/her.

Please go back on the citalopram; it was making you feel better and you need to stick with it for a while. Your husband doesn't know what he's talking about.

I’ve decided to try and get an appt tomorrow. I know it’s what I need to do if I want to be feel better. Getting back to the ‘old me’ before Christmas is my goal now.

I’m not worried about confidentiality. All of the doctors are very professional so I have no concerns there. It’s just the fact that I sort of know most of the GPs and talk to them daily. As others have said I’m sure they’ve seen/heard it all before. When I went last time I booked with the GP I knew the least but perhaps it will be better for me to see one that I’m quite friendly with? Seeing a reassuring face each day that knows how I’ve been feeling might be good for me?