to think my houseguest doesn't like me?

[lostpurplehoodie]

I have someone staying for a couple of nights as he's involved in an event in our city and asked if he could stay. I'm getting the impression that we've not been asked for any other reason than convenience and he's not that bothered about us at all.

He turned up last night as I was cooking dinner, empty handed, and then decided to go to bed as soon as we'd finished eating (around 8ish). When he surfaced at 10.30 I asked how he slept and he told me he had read until gone midnight but then slept very well. He's announced that he's off out this afternoon with friends - who live in his hometown, and we're very much not invited, but he'll see us at the event/afterwards.

AIBU to think he doesn't actually like us that much and is seeing us as a means to an end?

Is he a lot younger than you? Sounds like he sees you as an air b n b /couch surfer host.

Did you have a close hanging out together friendship before this?

It's not a drama or a hardship, but it is putting oneself out, because if that guest was not there one would not need to do it!

just as you wouldn't expect a box of chocolates to be handed around

Who doesn't open a box of chocolate to share with current guests? I know we come from different culture and possibly countries, but I'd never heard of anyone hiding away a food gift to open it only when the guests have departed. That's hilarious!

We have friends to stay when they’re working in town. We are literally a bed for the night, that’s fine. In our industry, accommodation is a big expense (and it’s not terribly well paid) so friends and family who are willing to host is enormously appreciated. Our attitude is that we’re paying it forward or back, depending on where we’re at in the hosting trade off.

Oth, if someone’s working I don’t tend to go to loads of effort and expect them to fit in with household routine. So if I’m cooking dinner then I’ll ask then if they want to eat, I tell them where the kettle is and where the tea and coffee is! We make up the bed for them and that’s about the extent of the ‘hosting’ apart from we might hang out and chat if we’re still up when they get back from the job.

Have to agree with Coddiewomple I would expect chocs to be opened! But I would not mind my gift of wine being saved, especially if I had brought red and we were having chicken etc!

I think for some having people in their home may be harder work than for others. I do feel quite sociable but I think my family are less happy to have guests staying as everyone likes there own space and our house is not huge!

coddi your everyday food must be of a considerably higher standard than mine if every night is like a dinner party at your house! I tend to cook up a stew or lasagne or curry or something basic like that in the week - I'm not doing posh tarts and patisserie and three courses every day!! I know some people do, and I take my hat off to them. But, for me, cooking dinner for someone definitely involves extra expense on ingredients I wouldn't necessarily buy for a standard meal, and a lot of extra effort.

Agree with haha - that was always my understanding about the wine too.

You're easily amused, coddi! I'm not in the habit of hiding chocolate but it simply comes back to the distinction of a gift or a contribution. Gifts aren't consumed that evening, contributions are.

So let's say that you are coming around for dinner. I am planning to serve mushrooms on sourdough toast for the starter; seabass for the main; and a tarte tatin for pudding. I've chosen a lovely petit Chablis to pair with the starter and main courses and a Sauternes to go with pudding.

You bring a beautiful, full-bodied Malbec with you. I am delighted but serving it with my menu would ruin the food as well as being a waste of your wine.

What would you have me do?

Coddiwomple, your attempt at a tinkly little laugh hasn’t worked. You sound a bit mad. As for people sending a gift in the post after the visit... no, that’s not a thing. If someone did it to me, I’d assume they had forgotten to amorganise something in time to bring it with them. I certainly wouldn’t be impressed at their superior knowledge of etiquette.

It wasn't an attempt at a tinkly little laugh my dear, I do find the image of hoarding special food away from guests funny.
After reading the thread about little guests at a birthday party being shown the birthday cake, but not being given any, I guess it is a thing in some circle, and not just people who employ au-pairs.

Many people do send a thoughtful gift after their visit. Most people I know don't have magic powers so only know when they are there what kind of house you have and what the best gift would be. Nothing wrong with bringing a generic bunch of flowers or a bottle of something, but I have friends and families who make an extra effort. Unlike you they are not trying to compete about etiquette, they are trying to be nice. My suppliers send me bottles and various hampers. I am glad friends and family don't treat me like a client.

Interested to know if your guest redeemed himself OP?

I wish! We left the event fairly early as I was shattered and he came home shortly after midnight with a woman in tow. He left around lunchtime and didn’t strip the bed - it’s such fun touching other people’s sex sheets.

I’m not likely to have him back.

Oh, and he left a bizarre blue stain on the wall of our freshly painted spare room.

Smurf DNA. Is this the woman he brought home? pretty

I wouldn't have him back. He's a bit of a dick. I'd have been fuming about his bringing some random back. Actually, I'd have thrown him out for that then and there because I once had a roommate who did this and the bitch stole a bunch of our stuff in the common areas.

He bought a woman back to your house? I revise my opinion. He’s a dick.

Oh, and because the twat brought her into our flat voluntarily, our contents insurance paid out sweet FA for the loss of the property she took. After that, anyone who pulled that stunt got shown the door.

What a knob!

What shitty behaviour. Did he even say so much as a thank you?

Wow. What a twat. I’d say cut all contact, unless he lives in a location where you might want to visit in future and royally take the piss in return?

Did he chuck his viagra at the wall in frustration?

What shoddy behavior. I think you are totally right not to invite him back.

Bill him.

He said thank you as he left, which I think at least shows some manners, but that’s as high as he got.

I think I should change the title of this thread to AIBU to think I don’t like my houseguest? That might be a unanimous thread though. In the morning he made some delightful wisecracks about Harvey Weinstein and consent and also suggested someone on the TV “was batting for the other side” when on a quiz show and then argued when I asked why anyone would care.

I had two house guests stay last year for two nights, friends of friends here for a party. I cleaned the room, put in fresh flowers, clean towels, bought lovely things for breakfast. Dh stayed up late to let them in as they arrived after midnight. They stayed in bed til midday both mornings so I spent 4 hours out/keeping dc relatively quiet.

What did we get as a thank you? Nothing. I felt quite hurt and used by this couple. It put me off hosting for a while.