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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my houseguest doesn't like me?

79 replies

lostpurplehoodie · 15/11/2017 11:35

I have someone staying for a couple of nights as he's involved in an event in our city and asked if he could stay. I'm getting the impression that we've not been asked for any other reason than convenience and he's not that bothered about us at all.

He turned up last night as I was cooking dinner, empty handed, and then decided to go to bed as soon as we'd finished eating (around 8ish). When he surfaced at 10.30 I asked how he slept and he told me he had read until gone midnight but then slept very well. He's announced that he's off out this afternoon with friends - who live in his hometown, and we're very much not invited, but he'll see us at the event/afterwards.

AIBU to think he doesn't actually like us that much and is seeing us as a means to an end?

OP posts:

MinervaSaidThar · 15/11/2017 12:13

Hopefully you won't be letting him stay again, OP?

UrsulaPandress · 15/11/2017 12:14

He sounds rude. I agree the hardest part of having guests is all the cleaning and bed changing. DH has friends who descend on us for 4 days every Autumn. I had a really shit year last year so wanted to put them off, but they agreed instead to only come for three days not four .

DeadGood · 15/11/2017 12:18

Hmm. Ok, so you are friends. Sounds like he is getting the balance wrong.
He should have brought a gift.
He might be trying to minimise his impact on you.
He probably thinks he made it quite clear he is here for the event, not for a nice visit with you.
If he offers no help stripping the bed etc, or fails to take you out for brunch (or at least make it) then you can be miffed.
No reason to think he doesn’t like you though, I think that’s a weird conclusion to reach. He might just be selfish.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2017 12:20

I would expect better from a friend, looks like he was using you as a crash pad, and did not care for your friendship. Don't have him stay again.

Iris65 · 15/11/2017 12:30

He's my kind of guest. Maybe he's going to gife a lovely thank you gift when he leaves. Although I always take a gift, depending on how long I am staying I also give a thank you gift on leaving.

Bluetrews25 · 15/11/2017 12:34

He's not quite using you as a hotel. People PAY for them.
Unless he leaves you a big gift / treats you to a meal out , he should definitely be awarded a CF badge.

Caulk · 15/11/2017 12:39

It just sounds like he’s trying not to inconvenience you. Is he an introvert? Are you? Maybe he’s worried about too much “people” time.

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 12:39

How can anyone say it's rude not to give a gift when the guest is still there? He might very well give you or send you a thank-you gift when he's leaving or after he left. I expect people to thank you after the visit, not at the beginning of it!
It's not uncommon for guests to invite their host for diner on the last night, how is that rude? Some posters sound terribly grabby

The only thing I find odd is to disappear straight after diner. being middle of the week, it's not impossible he didn't want to intrude and keep you up.

For the rest, he sounds like a normal guest, not sure what the issue is

Birdsgottafly · 15/11/2017 12:50

"we’ve put ourselves out to host him "

In what way?

I think it's a case of different expectations. He sees it as a mate helping out by letting him kip in theirs. You think you have to 'host' him.

It's crossed wires, but he did ask if he could stay, because he needed accommodation in your city.

Didn't you catch up over dinner?

I don't like people buying me gifts when I've done them a favour, but I hate all this formal etiquette crap between friends/family.

whiskyowl · 15/11/2017 12:52

I am going to my BIL's at the weekend. I will be taking some lovely wine for the meal they are cooking plus a house gift, usually flowers or chocolates. I always assumed this was the etiquette: one gift to say thank you for the stay, another to say thank you for the meal.

It's really rude to stay somewhere and not take anything!

Thetreesareallgone · 15/11/2017 12:54

It is weird to go to bed straight after dinner and read rather than be sociable with your hosts. There's no rule, usually you look for signs they like your company and would love to chat with you- so it is then rude to just retire to your own room as if you are in a hotel, without giving a reason anyway ('I hope you don't mind, I'm exhausted, I might go up to bed early, is that ok?')

YouthsAStuffWillNotEndure · 15/11/2017 12:57

We live quite close to a major airport. An old university friend of DH and his wife started using us as somewhere to stay the night before early holiday flights. With their 3 children as well it was a lot of trouble & laundry so I was pretty fed up each time it happened, especially as I really disliked the wife who was condescending & superior and just not my sort of person at all. Then their oldest child started university near us and I just knew it was going to happen even more so I got DH to put a stop to it - I think he'd had enough too by then.

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 13:00

It's really rude to stay somewhere and not take anything!

no it's not. It's quite common to send a thank you gift in the days following your stay (not 3 months later mind you).

I do know quite a few people who hate when someone brings a bottle of wine. They have to open it, but either it's mega expensive and make the wine they had chosen for the meal very cheap, or more often it looks like a very cheap wine compared to the wine the host had bought.

Unless you are very close to someone, it's easier to find a thoughtful gift to thank them after your stay, once you have seen the house, what they like, what they already have or lack and what the kids are into.

KitKat1985 · 15/11/2017 13:04

Hmm, it's hard to tell whether he's being rude or he's trying not to impose on you too much. I agree though that I would have expected him to make a bit of effort to spend some time catching up with you all though if he's an old friend.

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2017 13:06

lostpurplehoodie

"...I feel like we’re being treated as a hotel rather than friends you stay with."

I'd kind of agree.

I think it was rude to turn up empty handed. Flowers or chocs or wine would have been nice. Hopefully he will leave something for you.

Did he help with clearing up/washing up?

The fact he went to bed straight after dinner does seem a bit rude to me. I bet he doesn't go to bed so early at home.

Birdsgottafly "we’ve put ourselves out to host him " "In what way?"

Well I would imagine in terms of providing a room with clean bed linen for two nights that will be cleaned after he leaves. Being home when he arrives to let him in (and every time after that, or providing a key), cooking him a meal that the OP has shopped and paid for, and providing breakfast (both days I expect) and possibly other meals. Maybe more... correct me if I am wrong OP.

AngelaTwerkel · 15/11/2017 13:07

"I do know quite a few people who hate when someone brings a bottle of wine. They have to open it, but either it's mega expensive and make the wine they had chosen for the meal very cheap, or more often it looks like a very cheap wine compared to the wine the host had bought."

It must be quite angsty going through life overthinking everything like this. When most people get a bottle of wine they just say thanks and put it to the side, don't they?!

expatinscotland · 15/11/2017 13:07

He's rude. If he asks again, say no.

whiskyowl · 15/11/2017 13:12

"They have to open it, but either it's mega expensive and make the wine they had chosen for the meal very cheap, or more often it looks like a very cheap wine compared to the wine the host had bought"

Who thinks like that, though? Constantly competing and comparing?

If a guest brings an expensive bottle of wine, I think they've done a lovely thing - they are sharing something really special with me. I have a mate who is on the wine committee of a posh Cambridge college and when he brings something dusty from there, I feel properly treated! I'm not going to worry that the wine I'm providing is only a £15 bottle I got from the nice bloke at the wine shop, because it will be plenty good enough not to be embarrassing. There are cheaper bottles, too, that are absolutely fine.

If a guest brought a wine that wasn't suitable to have with the food, I'd just have that conversation - "Would you mind awfully if we don't open this right now - I do have some wine that I've bought that will go really well. We can still drink it later!"

No-one expects expensive gifts, particularly if someone is struggling. A homemade cake, a batch of biscuits, a pot of homemade jam or chutney, little and inexpensive things that show thought are fine.

BarbarianMum · 15/11/2017 13:16

I don't think he's beingb"the perfect guest" at all. I'd expect any guest of mine to either bring a small contribution towards a shared meal (wine/pudding/nibbles) or muck in to prepare ir/clear up and like us enough to spend an hour or two in our company.

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 13:31

When most people get a bottle of wine they just say thanks and put it to the side, don't they?!

not really , it's rude not to open and serve whatever food or drink people bring you. I am not that bothered, but I do know quite a few people who are. They are too polite to tell you of course!

If you read the forum regularly, you will have also noticed that many people hate anything home-made, and would never put anything in their mouth that hasn't been factory-produced! They seem to imagine that their friends have filthy kitchen and filthy habits, and that all home-made food produce are full of germs and god knows what.

I can't see how having to wash bedding and towels after a friend stays over is such a hardship (I do have a washing machine to be fair), and diner would be cooked regardless, my family eats even when there's no one around, but it sounds like a huge deal for some people.

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2017 13:32

He's only being the perfect guest if OP really is running a hotel!

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2017 13:34

Who said it was " ... such a hardship"! But having someone in your house for 48 hours does require one to put yourself out a bit. We do it for friends because we like their company. I would try and help people out who need a bed for the night (friends) and friends have done this for me but generally I only visit if I actually want to see the person and vice versa.

Kentnurse2015 · 15/11/2017 13:35

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest!!

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 13:36

Who said it was " ... such a hardship"
not me! But posts such as ^we’ve put ourselves out to host him " "In what way?"
in terms of providing a room with clean bed linen for two nights that will be cleaned after he leaves. Being home when he arrives to let him in (and every time after that, or providing a key), cooking him a meal that the OP has shopped and paid for, and providing breakfast (both days I expect) and possibly other meals. Maybe more...

The drama!

HaHaHmm · 15/11/2017 13:37

not really , it's rude not to open and serve whatever food or drink people bring you. I am not that bothered, but I do know quite a few people who are. They are too polite to tell you of course!

Nope. The host plans the menu and chooses the corresponding wines. The guest should not expect their wine to be opened as it is a gift for the host, just as you wouldn't expect a box of chocolates to be handed around or a candle to be lit that evening. The exception is if the guest has offered to bring a bottle and asks what is on the menu; the host says, 'how kind, we are having fish pie' and the guest chooses a Chablis or whatever to go with it.

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