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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH regarding night out??

86 replies

JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:20

So DH has gone out tonight (last minute) and I'm massively pissed off.......

Backstory - we don't live in UK and my parents left earlier today after a visit. It was a lovely lovely time but it's always quite tiring doing all the cooking/driving/entertaining.

I am very close to my parents, as are the DC (7 and 9) so saying goodbye is a bit upsetting and emotional. DS1 is also a sensitive one so gets really upset when they leave.

I'd texted DH earlier when I dropped them at the airport saying I was sad etc but was looking forward to a chilled out evening on the sofa in pjs with him.

DC had after school activities so we didn't get home til 6pm when DH announced he'd been invited out so was leaving in 10 minutes........

So I've cooked and cleared up for the DC and now both are in our bed as they're feeling upset (and knackered after some late nights) and I'm sitting in the dark with them until they go to sleep uncomfortable and hungry and really pissed off with him!

He is usually very hands on, does his fair share of childcare/cooking, doesn't take the piss going out etc.

But I'm so annoyed he said yes to going out in the first place and then went out when he knew how I felt.

So is it me being a bit unreasonable and tired and emotional or is he being a bit of a thoughtless dick?!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 17:00

Ok, fair enough, but op that’s not what’s being said to you, it’s fine to be upset and knackered, what’s being said is go get something to eat and drink, chill, you shouldn’t be sitting with a nine year old and a seven year old hungry in the dark unless there is additional needs.

Your husbands went out for a few hours to blow off steam, he doesn’t fancy a night on the sofa in his pyjamas, it’s fair enough and not a reflection of his feelings for you or the kids. Sometimes we all need some time out. It’s prob been full on for the duration of the visit.

And if he was posting about you wanting to go out after his parents visited, because he wanted to sit on the sofa in his pyjamas and needed emotional support, rhe responses would be the same.

SendintheArdwolves · 14/11/2017 17:01

If your DH was there, there are three possibilities:

You would expect him to be sitting, silent and hungry, in the dark with your children alongside you
You would sit in with the children while he sat in another room
You would leave the children to sleep and be with him

The first two aren't a very appealing prospect - if that was how I was expected to spend my evening, I'd probably go out as well.

If it's option three, then clearly this sitting in the dark with the kids isn't necessary for them, it's an indulgence/point-proving for you.

KERALA1 · 14/11/2017 17:02

I quite like it when DH goes out - house to myself, what I want for dinner and control of the remote. My kids about your age and I wouldn't sit in the dark with them hungry - think I am meaner than you though.

Also would never huff when DH goes out as would not want him to do the same to me!

TitsalinaBumSqoosh · 14/11/2017 17:03

Going again the grain, I don’t think YABU.
I’d hope my DH would understand I was feeling a bit down saying goodbye to my parent for 6 months and I’d hope he’d want to be there to comfort me.
The kids are close to their grandparents and are upset, if sitting with them help then crack on, I can’t imagine telling my kids to just get on with it, it’s not their usual behaviour it’s upset due to the goodbye...

I’d be hurt if DH went out and left me to it.

SoonToBeDad20s · 14/11/2017 17:04

Hey you say he enjoys spending time with your parents ? I enjoy my OH parents company to an extent but I also put on a brace face sometimes so as not to appear rude. TBH if he doesn't go out a lot and he just fancied a night out that evening I think YABU. It's understandable you wanted a night in and felt a bit rejected when he said he was going out but in all honesty you can have those nights in anytime.

Wolfiefan · 14/11/2017 17:04

Why though? They're not toddlers! Cuddle if they feel low then a breezy off to bed.

Gottagetmoving · 14/11/2017 17:05

Ok, so you are disappointed your dh has gone out tonight instead of comforting you...that's ok I suppose but really, you are a grown woman and its not as if you can never cuddle up again?.
Your Dh is a good dad and does his share and you say doesn't take the piss going out, so try to let this go. Instead of relying on him to make you feel better, do something you enjoy, have some food, relax, a glass of wine?.watch a film...Just don't dwell on it.

Original poster

JoandMax · 14/11/2017 17:06

I have eaten and drunk now, they are asleep so the house is quiet and calm and normal life resumed

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 14/11/2017 17:06

Having endured an in law visit, given the choice I think I too would choose a few drinks out rather than a night spent looking at my OH’s woebegone face tbh.

Celp28 · 14/11/2017 17:08

7 & 9, they are still your babies, so what if they want a cuddle and reassurance from their mum?! Why do people insist on making their kids grow up so quickly. I think it's lovely you have that relationship with them. They grow up so quickly, cherish the fact they want you to sit with them until they drop off, it won't be long before Kevin the teenager hits your house.
You are obviously tired and a little over emotional, but hey we are all human and we all need a little tlc sometimes, don't beat yourself up over it. Men don't think the same way as women so don't take offence dh went out. Carry on being a caring parent and I hope you have a nice relaxing evening.

EivissaSenorita · 14/11/2017 17:08

Defo BU. He probably did enjoy your parents visit, but I would probably like a few drinks with friends after playing host. And yes to PP sounds like you
are sitting with the children in the dark so you can guilt trip him later.....if he is otherwise a good and supporting partner I would let this slide.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 17:10

Where are you op that you can’t do face time or Skype? Normally if you’ve wi fi you can do it.

Original poster

JoandMax · 14/11/2017 17:13

In the Middle East Bluntness - all voip has been blocked, we were getting around it with a vpn but that's stopped working now too. Most annoying as I can't watch British TV either now!

OP posts:

DiegoMadonna · 14/11/2017 17:13

I think you are being a bit over-emotional IMO (I say that as someone who lives abroad and only sees parents every 12-18 months), and I think that's probably affecting your reaction to you DH going out. You'll probably see things better in the morning.

Sarahh2014 · 14/11/2017 17:14

My ds is nearly 4 and I wouldn't sit in dark with him for hours you might be making rod for your own back there sorry

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 17:16

Oh that’s a shame on the Skype. Doesn’t make it any easier.

nooka · 14/11/2017 17:17

I don't think the OP is wrong to be feeling a bit upset. She clearly doesn't like saying goodbye to her parents and is wanting to feel connected to her husband and kids. I can understand that, although to be honest when my mum goes home we all breathe a bit of a sigh of relief (ad then feel guilty!) probably different as my children are teenagers and find being on their best behaviour for granny a bit exhausting.

I think it was probably a bit thoughtless of the OP's dh to go out, especially with no notice. However I agree with everyone else that sitting in the dark with children is a way to make those feelings of sadness stronger when what is needed is a distraction. If the original plan was a bit of TV on the sofa then it would have been better to make that child friendly, ie snuggle with mum and watch something silly before bed. If everyone is always sad and emotional at the end of a visit it's time for a new family tradition to be started. New or favourite silly movie or show with favourite no effort food.

cansu · 14/11/2017 17:18

You sound a bit sulky and rather controlling tbh. Clearly he has been in the house with you and your parents whilst they have been visiting. He has the opportunity for an evening out and accepted. Why is this an issue?You see him everyday!I get this kind of crap from my partner and it saps the joy out of life really. You can be a family and still have own friends and interests. Why not do something you would like to do?

Couldsleeptillnextyear · 14/11/2017 17:21

Don't be rediculous,woman up...up of the bed.say night night to kids,and head for your evening you had planned..you don't need yr dh to enjoy a chilled evening,you can manage that alone😃

DailyMaui · 14/11/2017 17:23

I wonder where you live that you don't have Skype... There are other ways to video chat.

I lived in the Middle East for a few years and we had family visitors quite often. TBH when mine left I knew I would miss them (a year between visits for us) but we face timed, did something else that meant we could video chat and phoned/emailed a lot. I would have picked a night out over sitting at home feeling maudlin though.

I'm glad you are no longer sitting in the dark - no point making yourself feel even more miserable. Now you can watch things YOU like or have a good read. Bliss.

Inertia · 14/11/2017 17:25

At least you now know that there’s an opening for you to plan a night out for yourself when your husband’s family leave in a few days time.

19lottie82 · 14/11/2017 17:27

Sorry OP another vote for, leave the kids (they will be fine), go relax, watch a box set and order a take away and / or open a bottle of wine. Then text your DH and tell him you love him and to enjoy yourself!

Oh and start texting your friends and arrange a night out for yourself!

mumisnotmyname · 14/11/2017 17:27

I remember feeling really down and tearful after my sister and her family left last time we were living abroad. It is was a much bigger deal for me then when I usually say goodbye, even if the time gaps weren't that much bigger. Saying goodbye to family is harder as an expat I think. That said look after yourself and don't turn your understandable sadness on your DH. I think spending time with sad DC is also fine although I would have fed myself first and taken a drink upstairs while reading, tucking them in!

AnyFucker · 14/11/2017 17:32

Yabu

Now have a nice cuppa or glass of wine and enjoy the peace and quiet

DailyMaui · 14/11/2017 17:35

Ah I see middle east - there are ways around it. Even if one VPN has been blocked you can sort out another one. Our family all have iphones so we could facetime. I used to facetime my brother almost daily. He was the only one who could help me through the madness out there.

I'm going to say this very kindly - do you work? If he is the only one working and you have just had visitors then he may well be more than shattered himself and looking for a break from family stuff. I was the breadwinner when we lived out there and the daily stress was very, very high. I found working and general life to be way more exhausting for numerous reasons there compared to here (UK). Add in visitors and I would be swinging from lights in nightclubs when they left! If my husband was sitting in the dark with a 7 and 9 year old (mine were similar ages) feeling miserable about me going out after a visit from his family I would be more than a little

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