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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH regarding night out??

86 replies

JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:20

So DH has gone out tonight (last minute) and I'm massively pissed off.......

Backstory - we don't live in UK and my parents left earlier today after a visit. It was a lovely lovely time but it's always quite tiring doing all the cooking/driving/entertaining.

I am very close to my parents, as are the DC (7 and 9) so saying goodbye is a bit upsetting and emotional. DS1 is also a sensitive one so gets really upset when they leave.

I'd texted DH earlier when I dropped them at the airport saying I was sad etc but was looking forward to a chilled out evening on the sofa in pjs with him.

DC had after school activities so we didn't get home til 6pm when DH announced he'd been invited out so was leaving in 10 minutes........

So I've cooked and cleared up for the DC and now both are in our bed as they're feeling upset (and knackered after some late nights) and I'm sitting in the dark with them until they go to sleep uncomfortable and hungry and really pissed off with him!

He is usually very hands on, does his fair share of childcare/cooking, doesn't take the piss going out etc.

But I'm so annoyed he said yes to going out in the first place and then went out when he knew how I felt.

So is it me being a bit unreasonable and tired and emotional or is he being a bit of a thoughtless dick?!

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 14/11/2017 16:43

I understand you are pissed off, beating yourself up won't help

Get some food in yourself, have a glass of something nice & chill on the sofa. Leave the dishes till tomorrow - No one is gonna die cause of leaving the dishes.

Chill out & text DH telling him to have a good evening

Sirzy · 14/11/2017 16:44

As others have said yabu.

I don’t think encouraging wallowing in the upset does anything to help anyone either!

Jasminedes · 14/11/2017 16:44

He's not wrong, you're not wrong - you just have the short straw this time. The overall picture you give of your husband and relationship is a good one. Count your blessings and suggest he brings you back some chocolate, or reschedule your night on the safa together for tomorrow.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 16:46

Is it really that bad to feel a bit upset saying goodbye to people you care about?!

Wow, well that’s twisting it and being manipulative.. No one said that and it’s wasn’t the question you asked either.

You asked if you were being unreasonable to not want him to go out and the answer is yes.

Original poster
JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:47

Jasmindes - he's off tomorrow for a few days then we have more visitors (his side of the family this time!!) so no rescheduling unfortunately!!

OP posts:
MimsyFluff · 14/11/2017 16:47

I know how you feel OP my family are everywhere and me and DC find it very upsetting when they leave. I love it when DH goes out and I get to binge watch box sets, I have no advice but I get the pain

RagingFemininist · 14/11/2017 16:47

Want isnt in isnthat he knew how you felt and said himself he was looking forward to spend the evening with you.
So to then spring an evening out on you like this is Hmm

Re how you feel about your parents leaving. I think it’s pretty normal when you move from having a full house for a while to what is your normal. House feels empty and ou feel a bit sad. What wouldn’t be normal is for that feeling to last for days, which isn’t the case.
Fwiw. Y parents say exactely the same ahem we go to stay at their house for a few days (eg at Christmas). They find it hard to go back to their routine afterwards.

Re the dcs. TBH whatever works!
If they are slightly upset too (and more tired than usual) and that means a good night of sleep for you afterwards, why not. It’s just one night!

SavageBeauty73 · 14/11/2017 16:48

I really don't get the issue and why you are hungry sitting in the dark. Open the wine, get a takeaway and watch a film. Your kids are far too old to be pandering at bedtime.

If I'd had an extended visit with my inlaws I'd be in the pub too!

Wolfiefan · 14/11/2017 16:48

Kids are 7 and 9?
If you and they are day then have a cuddle and enjoy a film and popcorn.
Then they go off to bed and you read a book in peace or watch TV.
Not sure what you really want from your partner. You're allowed to feel a bit upset. But surely there are ways to make yourself feel better without him being there.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2017 16:48

YABU. FGS, your kids are too old to have Mummy sat in the dark with them. Don't be ridiculous, go out of the room and get something to eat.

RagingFemininist · 14/11/2017 16:50

bluntness when people are describing the OP attitude as ‘wallowing in the upset’ for example, I’m not surprised that what she hears is that she isn’t allowed to feel sad her oarentsbhave just left.
I understood exactely the same thing.
It’s not her twisting things and being manipulative. It’s people being overly harsh on someone who has just said she is feeling low.

And not an ounce of compassion.

juddyrockingcloggs · 14/11/2017 16:51

I think yAbu. He’s gone out for a bit he hasn’t left you for months.

I’m pretty sure you can look after the kids on your own for a couple of hours, get a bath, relax and before you know it he’ll be home anyway.

bimbobaggins · 14/11/2017 16:51

You sound like a martyr. Get the kids into bed and have a relaxing evening yourself. And I have family overseas and don’t like saying goodbye. Distract them from it

Original poster
JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:52

Bluntness - I was referring to some of the posters rather harsh responses implying I lacked emotional resilience or was wallowing

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 14/11/2017 16:53

Yeah, raging, that’s why people post on aibu, it’s all about the compassion

Original poster
JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:53

Raging - thank you!!

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 14/11/2017 16:54

To clarify I don't normally sit in the dark with them but they were both teary and clingy, as they always are the night grandparents leave, so it's just a one off

So it's not a one-off, it happens every time and you're feeding it by sitting with them and facilitating. At 7 and 9 they are well old enough to be told that yes it's sad that granny is going away but that they can Skype later in the week, and that they need to go to sleep.

I think OP just likes playing the martyr. No wonder her DH has gone out - I would have too!!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/11/2017 16:54

Why would you be sat in the dark?
Bang a light on or have I missed something. Confused

Wishingandwaiting · 14/11/2017 16:54

YABU

Can’t be arsed to elaborate, but YABU

gunsandbanjos · 14/11/2017 16:54

How much ‘sorting’ do a 7 and 9 year old need?

FlowerPot1234 · 14/11/2017 16:56

YABU. Cook something lovely for yourself. Enjoy your evening in your jim jams with a great movie.

kaytee87 · 14/11/2017 16:57

I get why you’re upset and wanted some time with your dh but as it’s not something he makes a habit of and you’ve said he’s otherwise great, I don’t think you should make a big deal of it.

BewareOfDragons · 14/11/2017 16:57

Sorry, but I think you were being unreasonable.

You were shattered because you were entertaining and hosting your parents. I imagine he's been home being sociable with them, too.

If you'd been shattered after entertaining his family, then he should have been home doing more.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/11/2017 16:58

Och leave the OP alone - she's just said goodbye to her mum and dad and she's feeling a bit needy, dear god me and my DM aren't exactly the soppy types but even I'd feel a bit mumphled if I knew I wasn't going to see her for 6 months!

I think DH was a wee bit thoughtless but then I have to say I probably would have jumped at the chance of a night out after hosting guests (even family) for a while. Doesn't mean it's not OK to feel a wee bit sorry for yourself OP. Go and get a wine.

Original poster
JoandMax · 14/11/2017 16:59

I sat in the dark with them until they fell asleep.

Yes I could of left them but frankly they're knackered and I'm knackered and I just wanted them to go to sleep for the benefit of everyone

And we don't have skype here

OP posts:
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