...to ask what your criteria for a life partner would be if you had to choose one now?

[NeverMetACakeIDidntLike]

(Tongue in cheek)

I met DH when I was 20. I chose him based on interests in common and his dashing good looks.

I’m now 37 and wish i’d discovered:

• that he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 (and he seems to have passed this onto our DD1)

• that he seems to take longer and longer to do a poo as he’s getting older and I seem to spend half my life waiting for him to get off the loo.

So... whilst ‘did you sleep well as a baby?’ and ‘are you likely to consider having a poo as one of your major hobbies later in life?’ are not good chat-up lines, I feel like I should have asked them before I committed...AIBU?

Oh no** Floella, don’t tell me that!

I’m relying on the tiny head !

Money
Honesty
Manners
Clean and tidy
Likes housework and cooking
Enjoys spending his money on me
Doesn't talk too much
Eats quietly
No snoring

What a good thread.
Definitely agree with Tom hardy 😂

Mine would be -
Can you clean up after yourself?
Can you do things without pointing out that you should be thanked for loading the fucking dishwasher I don't think so

Can you remember you live with your wife not your mother?
Can you not complain about every single little thing ever?
Could you possibly spend more time with said wife than with your pc/phone/Xbox?
Can you actually put your clothes in the basket not next to it?

May possibly be moody with DP today....

I met DH in my 30s, and I feel like I got a second shot, after having made a disastrous choice when I was in my teens. It's not just his static qualities - intelligence, kindness, generosity (in all senses of that word), practicality, but the fact that he and I share a similar willingness to graft on projects we start that makes him ideal.

He's someone who is my best friend, not just my life partner.

I have always been the giver in relationships, and I always end up resentful and upset that previous (and current to be honest) partners don't reciprocate my levels of caring and the nice thoughtful things I do to make them happy etc. My closest school friend always has incredibly doting boyfriends, I'd always thought of them as a bit pathetic in their slavishness but they are just like me really, and she is generally very happy in the relationships until she gets bored and cheats on them. I'd like to be with someone who acted like I do in a relationship, just to see what it's like to have someone who is totally devoted to me. Maybe two givers would have a long and happy relationship if the effort remains long term.

Also a requirement that they don't have annoying needy relatives. I spend far too much time with people that I really don't like and who are rude to me because they are family now and DP won't go NC (and some of them definitely warrant NC). They were fine when it was only occasional visits but I have to see them multiple times a week now as we live locally, they just turn up at our house if I try to avoid them for more than a few days.

I would insist on Kindness, solvency, intelligence, generosity ...

none of which my exH really had ...(though I thought he had 3/4)

and NO drug problem, in fact no drugs at all ...

kind
honest
generous
doesn't snore (actually this one should probably come first)

When I fell for DH I was 21 and was attracted to:

1. His sense of humour - yep, still in place and still keeps us going.

1. His androgynous look - hmm he’s gone from a hairless wonder to a grizzly bear including his back.

1. His artistic talents - perhaps some more practicality would have been useful for the future but I did believe then he had what it took to be a big success. I still do but it didn’t work out like that and we had to reassess.

1. His adventurous attitude - I think this covered some insecurity and also earnest desire to do the right thing which has actually been what’s got us through the difficulties in (3). I sometimes wish for the spontaneity I thought I was getting but in reality the quieter side has been essential.

1. His messy ways - I had just got out of a bad relationship with a control freak who liked his spices in alphabetical order and DH was a breath of fresh air with his old newspapers piled everywhere. I won’t say I haven’t occasionally wished we were both neater, and probably wouldn’t see this as a desirable trait now, but I still prefer it to the opposite!

1. His family - he came from a lovely family, very generous, intelligent and warm. Again there are moments over the years when we’ve not seen eye to eye but ultimately I must have subconsciously known he’d be a great dad and role model to our DC.

So of those the only difference I’d look now is a bit tidier and perhaps more practical in terms of money, but no way I’d change him!

Likes housework and cooking
Eats quietly
Doesn't watch loud TV programmes that involve explosions and constant barrage of machine gun fire

I spent less time pushing our baby out than my DH does pushing out a poop! Wish I had that much time on my hands!

I’d give prospective candidates a multiple choice questionnaire. Some sample questions:

1. Where is the correct place to strip down a carburettor?

A) The kitchen draining board (0 points) B) The garage (1 point) C) What’s a carburettor? (2 points)

1. What is the correct way to load a dishwasher?

A) Allocate a space for every plate and utensil we own, align every item with anally retentive precision and have a paddy if anyone puts a teaspoon in the dessert spoon bit (0 points) B) Stuff it all in wherever it’ll fit and if anything doesn’t come out clean, finish it off in the sink (2 points) C) What’s a dishwasher? (1 point)

1. You take delivery of a large parcel and open it straight away. What do you do with the packaging?

A) Remove the name and address label, fold it all flat and put it straight in the recycling (2 points)
B) Put it in the loft. Cardboard boxes are always handy. (1 point)
C) Leave it exactly where you opened it. Ignore it for a week, then when someone else throws it out have a grump and wail “I needed that!” (0 points)

I could go on...

Badgers

please do go on

@TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt, I’ve got a question that I need to add to your list.

How do you feel about football?
A) I vaguely follow sports but I’m not really a big fan (3 points)
B) I follow a local team (2 points)
C) I have a season ticket to a not so local team (1 point)
D) I’m incapable of listening to anything that you say until the season is over because I’m either at my team’s games over an hour away, watching any other team if the match is televised, or playing football myself. Please ask again in the international break or after May (0 points)

Kind to people regardless of status or ability (exh had extremely peculiar view that only people as allegedly clever as himself deserved respect, ie decent behaviour)

Kind to animals (in fact, liking animals a lot)

Not ranting about conspiracy theories (man I was keen on for ages would do this - not in a creepy right or far left way - and it bloody bored me rigid. I’d go “mmhmm” a lot and do fantasy home renos while he prattled on).

Has a job and for the most part enjoys it.

Great hygiene - no revolting feet, keeps teeth in decent condition, cleans fingernails etc.

No substance abuse problems. None. Btdt.

Recognizes the function of a dishwasher and loads it - and even unloads it!

Makes meals on occasion, unasked.

Of course this is all ridiculous as there is a very finite amount of these people - of either gender - about and they were all snaffled up by people a lot smarter than me, decades ago when we were in our twenties.

I will certainly never, ever, bloody go for Byronesque, brooding and handsome again as they are a giant pain in the ass and expect to be worshipped as their mum’s worshipped them. When one of these unicorns hoves into view he’d better be ready to appreciate me.

@TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt I reckon you’re onto something there. You could finish that off and sell it to a dating website for a fool-proof way of finding a good partner

Your mum’s birthday is coming up. Do you:
A) Buy something from yourself and kids, wrap it and get it to her in time for her birthday? (3 points)
B) Realise it’s her birthday but don’t bother to sort anything out in time (1 point)
C) Ask your wife what she’s bought your mother for her birthday from the family (0 points)

Will you morph into your dad.
Will you be identical to him in mannerisms and baldness.
Will you be crippled with arthritis but make so many stupid financial decisions that you will have to work for rest of your life!

I blame the fact that we spent much of our early dating life in pubs or clubs for not discovering that DH does not have an indoor voice until it was too late and I luffed him anyway.

We're expecting our first baby in June and I'm getting more and more worried about the implications of this...

I genuinely had a reallllly long list of what I wanted in a boyfriend shortly before I started dating him. I wish I still had it as I know he didn't tick half the boxes (never played a single bloody instrument and has crap taste in music.)

I should have gone for someone with better DIY, car maintenance and general life skills. He couldnt even work out how to order more heating oil!

Serious - A man who isn't judgemental, is someone who I can be real me around and feel comfortable with. DH is just that man, exh definitely wasn't.

Light hearted - Someone who can stay awake during a film or tv programme.

RedBullBlood....yes! Perfect answer, so I'm stealing it.
Bufferingkisses.....wt(actual)f??!!

Someone who doesn’t want to move to he country!
Someone with a normal happy childhood. Dh has a total lack of resilience due to his traumatic childhood and also has no idea about normal relationships in many ways. It’s all quite exhausting and not apparent until we had dcs.

when your wife asks for a cuddle
do you
(a) get her in a head lock and start laughing (0points)
(b) stand there like a martyr about to be consumed by flames and pat her back like you are doomed (also 0 points)
(c) cuddle her for as long as she wants without moaning or trying to escape (3points)

Do you : Do housework,know how to operate a washing machine,iron, pick up clothes.
Can you: Do d.i.y. without all the shouting,swearing,banging and moaning but somehow not manage for it to be worse than before you started.
Actually finish a job the same year you started.

Nevermetacake - if you meet a divorced man you can amend your list to:

When it’s the season of your mum or dad’s birthday do you
A) send them a card on time and call on the day (3 points)
B) contact your long-suffering exwife to ask her when your parents’ birthday is well before the date (1 Point)
C) contact your long-suffering exwife 2 weeks past the parental birthday to ask when your parent’s birthday is (0 points)

Bonus point loss: the inability to remember the perfectly common name of your only two nephews. You have no nieces, just the two nephews. You have to text your ex wife to ask her what their names are.