...to ask what your criteria for a life partner would be if you had to choose one now?

[NeverMetACakeIDidntLike]

(Tongue in cheek)

I met DH when I was 20. I chose him based on interests in common and his dashing good looks.

I’m now 37 and wish i’d discovered:

• that he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 (and he seems to have passed this onto our DD1)

• that he seems to take longer and longer to do a poo as he’s getting older and I seem to spend half my life waiting for him to get off the loo.

So... whilst ‘did you sleep well as a baby?’ and ‘are you likely to consider having a poo as one of your major hobbies later in life?’ are not good chat-up lines, I feel like I should have asked them before I committed...AIBU?

I'm with norm - what is it about having to suggest taking painkillers for a headache?

A lot of what peachgreen said, but also, they must have a modicum of optimism. My exh was sooo pessimistic, it was like living with Marvin the Paranoid Android at times. It gets you down after a while. I'm all for being realistic, and not expecting life to be wonderful all the time, but he seemed unable to see the positives in pretty much anything.

peachgreen sounds like a winning formula.

I would ask about a potential partner's parents. Mine were together for over forty years until my Dad died but they were unhappy and my mother was horrible to and about him. When I was pregnant with DD he came to visit me and told me that his greatest regret was leaving his first wife (there was an OW) because he eventually ended up with my mother and she lead him a dog's life.

My in-laws have been married for fifty years and I have never witnessed them being anything but kind to one another. Granted FIL drives MIL up the wall at times but she adores him. And quite often overshares information about all the ways in which ahe adores him. They're nearly 80,I admire their stamina.

A normal approach to teeth brushing. It's the number one thing in our relationship that drives me insane. It has to be the absolute last thing he does before we leave the house. So coats and shoes on, loaded DD into the buggy walking to the front door and we get "I just need to brush my teeth" every time. Because he couldn't have done it when he was showering and dressing 10 minutes earlier, he has to wait until everyone is ready and walking to the door. You'd think I'd have learnt by now but he still catches me out with it sometimes.

Oh and can he roll over in bed like a normal person rather than like the Orca show at SeaWorld.

I would certainly have chosen someone who I had more in common with. I find the older we get, the less we have in common and the more he irritates me. I think I will split soon as I am just totally bored with him. I want some excitement in life before it's too late!

Aside from bucketloads of cash?
That my future partner would eat as wide a range of foods as I. He only likes two vegetables and doesn’t like pasta I know I know LTB

I’d had so many crappy relationships by the time I’d met my husband, that I was running a mental checklist when we first started seeing each other. Can cook - yes! Does diy - yesss! Doesn’t gamble or drink excessively - check! He’s pretty great, yes I’m smug!

Mine’s easy.

Should have probed more about his views on sex. How often is his ‘normal’, and how adventurous does he think he is in the sack?

Who knew I’d end up with ‘cup of tea and a peck on the cheek’ man? No libido at all after the first months of marriage. Managed to conceive our child 7 years ago then nothing since.

Sometimes I fear the undertaker will be the next person to handle me in the buff!

Definitely a deal-breaker these days!

Ambition & drive.
Can cook.
Can drive a car.
High sex drive.
Filthy mind.

My 2nd husband will have ALL of these.

Skittlesandbeer, it's soul destroying.

Seriously, what is it with the poo thing???? Do men get extreme constipation age 30???

NoSwsForYou I totally feel your pain on the body clock thing. DH and I have probably gone to bed together less than a dozen times in 10 years.

The poo thing is a timing thing not a time thing. He has trained himeself to need to go just before we leave in the morning so every day I have to do DCs shoes hats coats and getting in the car whilst he is on the can upstairs leafing through a magazine.

Having said that, he is an awesome DH and I wouldn't swap him for the world. Just might start slipping him Nytol and Laxatives into his dinner...

Oh and can he roll over in bed like a normal person rather than like the Orca show at SeaWorld.

This made me laugh out loud!

NoSwsForYou I totally feel your pain on the body clock thing.

Ah, yes, this too for me. Fucks me right off.

DH and I did the Marriage Course when we were engaged and honestly, it was fantastic. Quite aside from the religious aspect (of which there was very little), it forced you to talk about these sorts of things - from the big (attitudes to sex, finances, handling conflict) to the little (how to celebrate Christmas, solo nights out, how often to see the in-laws). It was massively, massively helpful and I'm so glad we did it.

peachgreen, that sounds so useful! I wish there was a secular version available for couples who are thinking of getting married or living together long term. There's so much counselling available for couples who are already in long term relationships but having problems, but it would be even better if couples were encouraged to look at these things earlier on, with a view to avoiding problems in the first place.

I also found my partner later in life after abusive relationship.

I looked for someone who was the total opposite of my ex.

The things that I made sure I found this time round was - kindness, generosity, selflessness, honesty, family orientated, healthy, grounded but with a sense of adventure, cultured, not driven by money, not a drunk, not a gambler, not a smoker.

I’ve just sent this thread to my 21y o DD - I feel she needs to know what questions to ask.

Oh! Another. Every single date should involve the question 'do you like/love/respect your mother' - it would have saved me years of thinking I was the problem, only to realise my DP has serious mummy issues

I have wished that I had realised just how mad my DHs family is and his compulsive car buying habit (although to be fair it's a new thing that seems to have surprised him too).

ElfrideSwancourt is she going to ask him what time of day he poos and how long he takes?

She will definitely bag herself a winner

Wouldn't change DH for anything but god I wish he would buy some new clothes, he is 32 and has a coat that has his name written in the label from when he was at school!

Look carefully at your future mil. I have realised that dh and many of his contemporaries start to look scarily like their dms in later life...

Next time I'm going for a handyman. Dh is utterly hopeless. Even when he tries it ends in disaster. I do my best but I have no brawn. Also someone who can do a job anywhere or even better work from home. Dh working away a lot/long hours person has been a downer for me.

In fact I'm looking for a bloke in a Lifetime Movie. Small town, drives a truck, has a dog, plays the guitar, has nice hair, has some sort of artisan job (but was actually a human rights lawyer to prove he has brain cells) and has nice parents who live by the sea. (Actually pil lived by the sea but they were horrid.)

At 39 weeks pregnant, I think the best quality about DH that I didn’t appreciate when we met is his tiny head!!

However, I probably should also have checked his ability to actually put things in the dishwasher.
I swear he has a mental blank because while he will take things to the kitchen, he always puts them on top of the damn thing rather than in it!

He also has a fatal flaw, in that when he goes to the shops and asks if I want anything, he believes me when I say ‘nothing’. Any reasonable man would bring back a walnut whip at the very least.

his tiny head

I have a really freakishly small head. My children have heads like prize pumpkins. I'm very grateful for c sections.

Money money money hard to guess earning potential early on though.

Possibly a little more independent. Though that would probably never work as there'd be too many rows.

Taking care of himself when ill rather than expecting me to somehow psychically guess his exact symptoms and the medicine he is prepared to take. Sulking because he has an aversion to honey and lemon lemsip, yet cannot vocalise it? Why!

Takes ownership of our house and car. Instead of sheepishly idling in the corner waiting for me to do EVERYTHING.

Knows how to cuddle and likes it. For some unfathomable reason DH was a lovely cuddler for the first 2 months of our relationship. 5 years later I'm still trying to recapture it. We've had more arguments about this than any other issue. Or should I say I have an argument at him, he claims not to know what I'm on about. Drives me batty. If we did ever go to marriage counselling this would be my number one issue to resolve. Sometimes I fantasise about going to marriage counselling so the counsellor can tell DH that yes, hugs and physically affection is a key part of a marriage, and I'm not crazy.