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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancel My Wedding?

82 replies

Jonesy85 · 12/11/2017 22:46

I've posted this cry for help on another thread but thought I'd add a bit of background to the story.

So, I'm getting married and would love nothing more than the two most important and special women in my life to be there, my mum and aunt. However, mum refuses to attend my wedding if my aunt Wendy attends. They had a falling out about 5 years ago over the money left to my aunt in my grandmas will ( Wendy got the same amount of money as mum but also got left the house as well) I understand why gran left her the house so this dispute hasn't affected my relationship with auntie wend.

What should I do, I want them both there. Do I uninvite my aunt and risk my relationship with her. My mum must be there I would be heart broken if she wasn't.

AIBU to expect them both to be civil for my sake? Or do I cancel the whole thing. I'm stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
TillyTheTiger · 13/11/2017 03:38

Please think about your fiancé in all of this. The most hurtful thing DH has ever said to me is that he'd rather not get married than upset his Mum (over a similar guest list issue). It's your wedding not hers, invite them both. Surely your Mum wouldn't really prioritise her unreasonable jealousy above her daughter's happiness? Your Aunt sounds lovely by the way.

SpareASquare · 13/11/2017 03:45

I would simply invite them both and leave them to it. It seems that your mum is the one with the issue so she can choose to attend or not. I wouldn't give it any further time or worry OP as it just gives your mum more opportunities to moan. Matter of fact - "this is what's happening, I'll leave it with you"

rainbowduck · 13/11/2017 05:15

I had a similar situation. My aunt and parents fell out over twenty years ago over something ridiculous, but I maintained a close relationship with my aunt (also godmother) with parents blessing.

Aunt dictated my wedding to me, said she couldn't bear to watch if my dad gave me away (I was VERY close to my aunt). In the end she came, I (regretfully) walked myself down the aisle, she refused to shake my parents hands at the meet and greet, and sat with her back to us all during dads speech, even though he acknowledged her (as I was very very close to her).

It continued to get worse once I started a family. My aunt refused to come to christenings, I even threw two first birthdays for my DS (which my aunt arrived late to hers, as the other guests were leaving).

Eventually I grew a backbone and stood up to my aunt, and told her to behave. She cut me off, moved away and I have not seen her for about 6 years now. Have had very brief Facebook contact (births/deaths). I did send her a Facebook message a few
Months ago saying I loved her, which was read but not
Acknowledged.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, do what makes you happy. It's your life. Either they will
Act like adults, or they won't, but ultimately, it's your wedding and if they truly value you, they will break bread for the day.

Good luck! X

teaandtoast · 13/11/2017 05:24

Sounds like your aunt spent her house money on what she wanted to - bills and uni costs for her children - lived rent and bill free for 7 years and then, hey presto, got given another house.

I'm not surprised your mum's a bit upset. Maybe she feels her mother was fleeced and her will was unfair?
Talk to your mother about it and understand her side. You alrwady seem to be on your Aunt's side.

Ausparent · 13/11/2017 05:27

My parents went to a wedding where the bride's parents hated each other and hadn't spoken for years. She didn't have a top table and did her own speech to avoid points of conflict and it was fine.
Invite them both and let them sort it out

nooka · 13/11/2017 06:19

My mother has a carer. Not only does she not pay any rent or contribute to bills or food costs she also gets paid a good wage (as she should). The aunt wasn't a freeloader, she was a carer, giving up her own career to look after her mum. The OP's mother apparently didn't help at all and the grandmother decided to recognise this in her will. Unless the mother thinks that the aunt coerced her mother somehow (in which case she should have challenged the will) it's really nothing to do with either sister, their mother arranged her estate the way she wanted.

OP it sounds as if you have already invited both sisters. I'd leave things be at least for now and hope your mum comes to her senses and realises the only person she is really going to hurt is you.

minmooch · 13/11/2017 06:58

Get married. Invite both and stand by your invitations to the women you love. If they do not turn up then it is their loss. Tell them life is too short for this type of bullshit. They need to grow up.

I can’t stand this sort of shit. Having lost my son and mum to cancer I can’t bear this arrogance that people seem to have over trying to put their opinions on others or sway them to their way of thinking. Stand tall above them, show them how nice people act. Family is a privilege that not all get.

OuaisMaisBon · 13/11/2017 07:02

Those saying it is not fair on the OP's mother clearly have no concept of what giving your life up to care for an elderly relative entails - OP's aunt gave up her independence, income and attendant financial security, career and her own home for 7 years of her life and incidentally saved OP's mother the cost of a nursing home for that length of time. OP's mother is behaving extremely selfishly all round.

OuaisMaisBon · 13/11/2017 07:03

And yes, yes, to what nooka said!

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/11/2017 07:12

teaandtoast

I could see your point if the OP's mother had done anything for her mother. But she didn't, it was the aunt that was a 24/7 carer.

EmilyChambers79 · 13/11/2017 07:20

Invite them both as normal. And make it clear to them that if either of them causes a fuss or any trouble of any sort then they will be asked to leave.

And tell them when they receive the invite, if they feel they can't hold their tongue for the day, not to bother coming at all.

My Sister had this at her wedding, two close family members. She told them both the above. One person didn't come at all and the other took it as a chance to make a few digs that the one who didn't come couldn't help but cause trouble. My Sister kindly pointed out that she had a lot more respect for the person who knew they wouldn't be able to hold their mouth so stayed away, than the person who still went and still tried to stir.

Do not cancel your wedding!

Whinesalot · 13/11/2017 07:28

Invite them both and tell your mother that she needs to put you first and suck it up for your sake, whatever her personal feelings.

Isetan · 13/11/2017 07:29

Put the ball back in their court and don’t pick it up again. If your Mum prioritises a feud over being at her DD’s wedding then that says it all.

I doubt very much that this is the first instance of poor behaviour by your mother, don’t let her bully you because it won’t stop at this.

Isetan · 13/11/2017 07:30

The decision not to attend your wedding is theirs not yours, don’t be manipulated into thinking it’s the other way round.

Yogagirl123 · 13/11/2017 07:32

Very sad that such a happy occasion is marred by stress, people are just so selfish at times. I hope you have a lovely wedding day and these grown up women can behave like grown ups.

hmmmmm · 13/11/2017 07:50

OP has any of the advice helped? What does your fiance say?

MiraiDevant · 13/11/2017 07:58

I agree that what your aunt did was huge and that had she not done so the value of the house would have been eaten up in fees.

We have been paying just under £30k a year on carers plus I have had to dramatically reduce my hours to manage medication/ all doctors appointments/ problems with house, (boiler services, plumbing problems etc) and do all shopping. My work has suffered badly. I am earning very little. I am pushing for more paid care but my siblings think it is fine and are worried about the money, (their inheritance)

Your mum would not have had a house anyway if your aunt had not done the care,

Invite both and let them sort it out

GU24Mum · 13/11/2017 07:58

Only you know what the dynamic is with your mother and whether she'd actually follow through and that would cause issues for years to come. Yes, that's essentially her blackmailing you but make sure you are happy with the potential outcomes before you make any ultimatums. All of that said, of course they are both being unreasonable but as someone with a mother who can pull different stunts sometimes you have to make sure that you get the outcome you want out of it.
Can anyone intervene with your mother - your OH, a sibling? If that doesn't work then you have to work out which is the less bad option - not having your mother there or explaining to your aunt why she can't come (could she come to the hen instead?).
Good luck - I know how hideous all of this is......

flumpybear · 13/11/2017 07:58

I’d be really cross with my mum and just tell her it’s not about her, it’s about you, so if she wants tinker you down then by all means sulk at home like a petulant child, or come and enjoy your child getting married - which has bigger all to do with her feud

FWIW I’d be annoyed about the house thing too, unless granny left a lot of money which would pale the house into insignificance- but maybe granny didn’t realise the money the house was worth ? Anyway like you said she did nothing for her mum care wise and your aunt gave up everything so that’s a huge sacrifice and her wages over 7 years would have been getting on for 300k I would imagine ...... it’s a tough one oerhaps granny should have sorted out the discussions before she died

BernardBlacksHangover · 13/11/2017 08:02

Agree with pps. Invite them both. If your mum refuses to come, it really is her loss and you can’t make them both come. I can’t imagine anything stopping me going to my dd’s wedding, (ok maybe if she hated me and didn’t want me there).

IHateYourCarpet · 13/11/2017 08:06

We had this with DH's mum and dad (separated). Both refused to attend if the other did. They both have children, so it meant DH's half siblings would also not be 'allowed' to attend.

I intervened when DH was in tears about it, to the point of refusing to ever marry me because it was causing too much upset.

Anyway, MIL came to the ceremony and reception. FIL came to the ceremony and stood in a far away field (literally) to avoid her. They couldn't find it within themselves to be civil, so on top of that DH had a bloody miserable day. Not only would neither of his parents speak to us, but guests noticed on the tensions and felt the need to keep commenting.

All I can say is even if you persuade them, it might not be the best solution, and you do risk tarnishing the day if they can't get along for the sake of a few hours.

BernardBlacksHangover · 13/11/2017 08:10

@carpet

That sounds so stressful! I can definitely see the appeal of eloping.

T00much · 13/11/2017 08:18

Invite both. I went to my best friend's wedding a few years ago. Her mum and dad had divorced years and years previously, he went off with a work colleague and they hadn't spoken since. They both came with their respective partners (including OW) and were civil to each other but it was a bit tense. I was so moved when the mum went up to the dad and said something along the lines of 'so proud of our daughter, it's a long time ago lets put it behind us' and he apologised and they had a hug. Sad

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/11/2017 09:05

I See things the same as @teaandtoast

Aunt didn't have to sell house. She could have rented it out and had an income or paid mortgage

Instead she paid her debts off /bills and paid for kids uni

Yes she looked after her mum but don't think 7yrs means she gets whole house value

lalliella · 13/11/2017 09:56

My dad’s care home cost over £1,000 per week. That’s a lot of money the gran saved over the years in care costs. Fair that Aunt Wendy got the house. Gran’s house, Gran’s choice anyway. DM needs to get over it and grow up. Feel for you OP. Invite them both, if DM decides to be an idiot tell her straight that you don’t want any unpleasantness at your wedding, if she’s going to be like that she should stay away.