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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancel My Wedding?

82 replies

Jonesy85 · 12/11/2017 22:46

I've posted this cry for help on another thread but thought I'd add a bit of background to the story.

So, I'm getting married and would love nothing more than the two most important and special women in my life to be there, my mum and aunt. However, mum refuses to attend my wedding if my aunt Wendy attends. They had a falling out about 5 years ago over the money left to my aunt in my grandmas will ( Wendy got the same amount of money as mum but also got left the house as well) I understand why gran left her the house so this dispute hasn't affected my relationship with auntie wend.

What should I do, I want them both there. Do I uninvite my aunt and risk my relationship with her. My mum must be there I would be heart broken if she wasn't.

AIBU to expect them both to be civil for my sake? Or do I cancel the whole thing. I'm stuck in the middle.

OP posts:

hmmmmm · 12/11/2017 23:16

Your dm is the unreasonable one.

Your aunt sounds great.

hmmmmm · 12/11/2017 23:18

It's funny I was just saying today how my elderly mother is much more selfish than my lovely late aunt. So different.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/11/2017 23:19

AdoraBell

The house should have been split between both siblings.

Why should the house be split? there is no guarantee that the aunt would be able to buy a place or that her career would be able to be returned to at the same level, with the same prospects that she left it at, or that she would be able to get a mortgage to cover the purchase of a new property.

More importantly, what did the OP's mother do for the GM?

blanklook · 12/11/2017 23:21

@Jonesy85

This board is AIBU = Am I Being Unreasonable
Replies will be YABU = You Are Being Unreasonable
or YANBU = You Are Not Being Unreasonable

any V in there means Very.

Here's some more for you that are frequently used on MN =MumsNet

I wish they would give this list to new posters along with the welcome email

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Voice0fReason · 12/11/2017 23:22

My mum was in a very similar position with her sister inheriting the house. My mum never resented it for a moment. She was already settled with a home, her sister had nothing. My mum didn't need a home, her sister did. Selling the home and splitting the money would have still left her sister homeless. My mum said that would have been pointless.
Fair does not mean equal.

Your mum needs to put this behind her. She has no right to put this onto you and put you in such a horrible position.
Have your wedding. Invite them both. This is not your problem.

Original poster

Jonesy85 · 12/11/2017 23:26

@blanklook. Thank you !! I'm sure I'll eventually get the lingo!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2017 23:35

Dear mum, I'm your daughter. I only plan to get married once. I would very very much love for you to be there. If you are going to miss my wedding because of this grudge you hold X I am not sure how long it will take me to forgive you, and can't make any promises. I know you will understand this given your record of being completely unable to forgive others.

Original poster

Jonesy85 · 12/11/2017 23:35

@Voice0freason your mum sound so lovely .. so kind. I wish I could say the same about mine. My aunt sacrificed a lot. A house was the least she deserved. My aunt didn't have a lot left after selling her house and paying some bills off hence why gran didn't split the house. My mum has a lovely home already, is comfortably off and doesn't want for anything. I don't understand the jealousy

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 12/11/2017 23:46

I think she's hurt, and you've no idea what happened after your grandmas death

People are selfish when someone dies, and the unfairness must be awful.

Is this the house that's worth over £1m?

Original poster

Jonesy85 · 12/11/2017 23:50

@GreenTulips

The house is worth about 350k. I just want this silly feud put aside, if only for the day :-(

OP posts:

Originalfoogirl · 12/11/2017 23:52

Cancelling the wedding is a massive over-reaction. “Sorry Mr Jonesy-to-be” my mum and her sister can’t be in the same room for one day so I can’t marry you.” That’s a very strange reaction.

Tell your mum, you would very much like your Aunt to be there and this is the beginning of your future family and maybe one day it will grow and there will be grand children’s christenings and parties and you’d love for both of them to settle their differences so that you’re not constantly put in the middle of it. Then leave it up to her. I don’t agree this is about one day, this will come up again and again.

If I had to choose, I would choose my mum, but I wouldn’t be happy about it and i’d let her know that.

Or you could invite them both round and lock them in a room til they sorted it out!

gillybeanz · 13/11/2017 00:06

I wouldn't want to marry someone who would consider cancelling our wedding for this.
It's the marriage not the wedding.
YABU

LouBlue1507 · 13/11/2017 00:11

Invite them both. If they don't turn up then they're not worth being part of your life.

SD1978 · 13/11/2017 00:20

I see a little of DM’s point- @Blondeshavemorefun does make a very good point- Aunt sold her house- assuming she kept the equity from that, was she paying her mums mortgage or rent to your grandmother? Did grandmother pay all the bills and her share was the care of the grandmother, or did she financially contribute to the upkeep and running of the house? If it was rent free and she did t pay, I would as your Mum assume some of the house would go to your Mum- not half, but a share at least. That being said- it didn’t and your mum should not be putting you in a her or me situation- she should be able to pull on her big girl pants and make sure that your day is the day you want. She doesn’t have to interact with her sister- just be cordial and in the same room.

Original poster

Jonesy85 · 13/11/2017 00:28

@SD1978 My grans mortgage had been paid off years and years ago. My aunt didn't pay rent as my gran was a kind lady who wouldn't accept it (aunt offered rent), the money from my aunts house wasn't a great amount and went towards paying off some bills and helping her twins out with Uni fees etc. In my eyes my gran left her the house because of what she did for her. I love my mum dearly but she didn't help out once with gran. Why should she be rewarded for not bothering.

OP posts:

Ferne80 · 13/11/2017 00:59

DM and Aunt need to put their differences aside for one day. I had a similar issue at my Sisters wedding. I used to be partners with her OH Brother and we now couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other. However, for the sake of my sister and his brother we were both amicable and attended the wedding. We stayed apart and the day was a success. If your DM loves you, I'm sure she will be there. Good luck Hun x

Cavender · 13/11/2017 01:14

This is emotional blackmail.

If you give in to this, what happens if you have a child? Their Christening, music recitals, sports days, prize giving etc etc ?

Invite your Mum. Tell her you love her and want her there but don’t give in to blackmail.

Invite them both.

Dobopdidoo1 · 13/11/2017 01:16

Going against the grain here, if you have a good relationship with your Mum generally and hardly see Aunt Wendy, personally I’d not invite aunt Wendy. Unless your relationship with your mum is terrible and unlikely to be a big part of your life - now and after you’re married, keeping neutral will be seen as taking sides with aunt Wendy as far as your Mum is concerned.

Looking at the long term effect, what do you value more? A good relationship with your mum or Aunt Wendy? Who’s going to be there for you through thick and thin? There lays your answer.

lalliella · 13/11/2017 01:26

Dobop based on form it’s likely Aunt Wendy will be there for OP through thick and thin. Have Aunt Wendy there and tell DM to grow the f up.

WyfOfBathe · 13/11/2017 01:41

My dad's parents are divorced and both said they wouldn't come to my wedding unless I uninvited the other. I planned to tell them that I wasn't uninviting either of them, so they could either decline to come (and I'd let the other one know) or act civilly from opposite sides of the room. This is what I would tell your mum and aunt as well, so that it's on their side. However, it might end up with one of them not coming, which you would have to be prepared for.

(In my case, the problem was solved when my grandmother decided she wouldn't come anyway because my husband isn't white - yes we're now NC!)

charlestonchaplin · 13/11/2017 01:51

If caring for elderly relatives is such a good gig why are there so many residential and nursing homes all over the country? It's interesting how some people only feel entitled to the inheritance. Little to no responsibility for the daily grind of care work. And no appreciation of the fact that caring for family members at home preserves the assets for all those who are due to inherit. Have you any idea of the eye-watering costs of care homes?

When, instead of considering the amount saved on external care, you have someone asking whether the carer was paying rent, there you have someone with an eye on the bank balance over and above everything else. Not to mention that an in-situ carer saves other family members a whole lot of hassle, inconvenience and worry.

OP: Considering the nature of your aunt's 'crime' I would just invite them both and leave it at that. This is assuming you have already explained to your mother why you feel your gran's will was fair.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2017 02:04

Your Gran had no income to speak of for 7 years! Your mum needs to see this was a huge sacrifice.

Is saying nothing an option or making sure they sit away from each other.

Boy your mum can hold a grudge...

KC225 · 13/11/2017 03:03

Do not cancel your wedding and do fall victim to emotional blackmail. Your Mother is being unreasonable. Is it a big enough wedding where they both attend but ignore each other? Is there third party that can state your case and negotiate for you? For example, making sure they are not next to each other in the photographs, or seated on the same table. That no one will approach the other.

As others have said state your case to your mum and ask her to think about it? Then ask a sister/brother/father/bridesmaid that can eliviate the stress from you but stand in your corner and make her realise this is not about her and what she would be missing if she didn't attend.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2017 03:15

On a purely monetary basis, care home fees are around £40k a year. Had your aunt not stepped in, your dgran would have paid out £280k in fees. As house prices have gone up in the past 7 years, the entire proceeds of sale of the house would have been swallowed up. Therefore, had your aunt not stepped in, any money from the house would be academic.

I know that your aunt didn’t do it for the house or the money. However, out of love, she sacrificed her entire financial security and future for her mother. She totally deserves the house.

It sounds as if your mother wanted to have her cake and eat it and is having a childish strop because she’s not getting it.

timeisnotalones response is very apt. Absolutely invite them both. Otherwise you are setting an unhealthy precedent for the future. You need to teach your mother that she is part of your extended family. Your dh and any children you may have will be your nuclear family and you decide upon the rules for your family.

Ceesadoo · 13/11/2017 03:28

You aren’t being unreasonable. This is your wedding day.

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